A glorious day in New York City. walked through the park with the Italian stallion and Craig Gordon from now age press. Typical ‘autumn in New York’ like one sees in films. Cool and breezy but not too cold. Leaves are changing colors to yellow and orange. And everyone walking around smiling and saying hello and discussing the topics of the day. it is good to be in America.
God is New York beautiful. Everyone is so smart and handsome and educated and hip. It’s really something.
Sunday, October 31, 2004
I read the entire transcript of the Osama bin laden videotape today and was struck so strongly that I could not speak. I will copy and paste it below and then comment on it afterwards. it is strange indeed because of the message I wrote last night; before I had even read this. now, I feel ever stronger about our position in the world and the damage we have been causing. As innocent Americans, we are really fucked. But we are not victims of other countries or terrorists as much as victims of our own government and the things they do in our name and at our expense and the expense of the rest of the world’s peoples.
But you cannot speak things like that here in America, because most Americans have no idea what is really happening. So they think you are crazy. their knowledge of world affairs is limited to CNN and other very biased and limited-scope American media. And they almost never tell the whole story. So we get bombed and everyone in America goes into shock and can’t figure out why. except for a very few. But we don't and cannot say anything for fear of being called treasonous when all we are doing is telling the truth. Here is the transcript:
Friday, October 29, 2004 Posted: 10:05 PM EDT (0205 GMT)
(CNN) -- Osama bin Laden delivered a new videotaped message which aired on the Arab language network Al-Jazeera Friday. This is a transcript of his remarks as translated by CNN senior editor for Arab affairs Octavia Nasr.
You, the American people, I talk to you today about the best way to avoid another catastrophe and about war, its reasons and its consequences.
And in that regard, I say to you that security is an important pillar of human life, and that free people do not compromise their security.
Contrary to what [President George W.] Bush says and claims -- that we hate freedom --let him tell us then, "Why did we not attack Sweden?" It is known that those who hate freedom don't have souls with integrity, like the souls of those 19. May the mercy of God be upon them.
We fought with you because we are free, and we don't put up with transgressions. We want to reclaim our nation. As you spoil our security, we will do so to you.
I wonder about you. Although we are ushering the fourth year after 9/11, Bush is still exercising confusion and misleading you and not telling you the true reason. Therefore, the motivations are still there for what happened to be repeated.
And I will talk to you about the reason for those events, and I will be honest with you about the moments the decision was made so that you can ponder. And I tell you, God only knows, that we never had the intentions to destroy the towers.
But after the injustice was so much and we saw transgressions and the coalition between Americans and the Israelis against our people in Palestine and Lebanon, it occurred to my mind that we deal with the towers. And these special events that directly and personally affected me go back to 1982 and what happened when America gave permission for Israel to invade Lebanon. And assistance was given by the American sixth fleet.
During those crucial moments, my mind was thinking about many things that are hard to describe. But they produced a feeling to refuse and reject injustice, and I had determination to punish the transgressors.
And as I was looking at those towers that were destroyed in Lebanon, it occurred to me that we have to punish the transgressor with the same -- and that we had to destroy the towers in America so that they taste what we tasted, and they stop killing our women and children.
We found no difficulties in dealing with the Bush administration, because of the similarities of that administration and the regimes in our countries, half of which are run by the military and half of which are run by monarchs. And our experience is vast with them.
And those two kinds are full of arrogance and taking money illegally.
The resemblance started when [former President George H.W.] Bush, the father, visited the area, when some of our own were impressed by America and were hoping that the visits would affect and influence our countries.
Then, what happened was that he was impressed by the monarchies and the military regimes, and he was jealous of them staying in power for tens of years, embezzling the public money without any accountability. And he moved the tyranny and suppression of freedom to his own country, and they called it the Patriot Act, under the disguise of fighting terrorism. And Bush, the father, found it good to install his children as governors and leaders.
We agreed with the leader of the group, Mohammed Atta, to perform all attacks within 20 minutes before [President George W.] Bush and his administration were aware of what was going on. And we never knew that the commander-in-chief of the American armed forces would leave 50,000 of his people in the two towers to face those events by themselves when they were in the most urgent need of their leader.
He was more interested in listening to the child's story about the goat rather than worry about what was happening to the towers. So, we had three times the time necessary to accomplish the events.
Your security is not in the hands of [Democratic presidential nominee John] Kerry or Bush or al Qaeda. Your security is in your own hands. Any nation that does not attack us will not be attacked.
Watch video here: javascript:LaunchVideo('/world/2004/10/29/robertson.binladen.affl.','300k');
But you cannot speak things like that here in America, because most Americans have no idea what is really happening. So they think you are crazy. their knowledge of world affairs is limited to CNN and other very biased and limited-scope American media. And they almost never tell the whole story. So we get bombed and everyone in America goes into shock and can’t figure out why. except for a very few. But we don't and cannot say anything for fear of being called treasonous when all we are doing is telling the truth. Here is the transcript:
Friday, October 29, 2004 Posted: 10:05 PM EDT (0205 GMT)
(CNN) -- Osama bin Laden delivered a new videotaped message which aired on the Arab language network Al-Jazeera Friday. This is a transcript of his remarks as translated by CNN senior editor for Arab affairs Octavia Nasr.
You, the American people, I talk to you today about the best way to avoid another catastrophe and about war, its reasons and its consequences.
And in that regard, I say to you that security is an important pillar of human life, and that free people do not compromise their security.
Contrary to what [President George W.] Bush says and claims -- that we hate freedom --let him tell us then, "Why did we not attack Sweden?" It is known that those who hate freedom don't have souls with integrity, like the souls of those 19. May the mercy of God be upon them.
We fought with you because we are free, and we don't put up with transgressions. We want to reclaim our nation. As you spoil our security, we will do so to you.
I wonder about you. Although we are ushering the fourth year after 9/11, Bush is still exercising confusion and misleading you and not telling you the true reason. Therefore, the motivations are still there for what happened to be repeated.
And I will talk to you about the reason for those events, and I will be honest with you about the moments the decision was made so that you can ponder. And I tell you, God only knows, that we never had the intentions to destroy the towers.
But after the injustice was so much and we saw transgressions and the coalition between Americans and the Israelis against our people in Palestine and Lebanon, it occurred to my mind that we deal with the towers. And these special events that directly and personally affected me go back to 1982 and what happened when America gave permission for Israel to invade Lebanon. And assistance was given by the American sixth fleet.
During those crucial moments, my mind was thinking about many things that are hard to describe. But they produced a feeling to refuse and reject injustice, and I had determination to punish the transgressors.
And as I was looking at those towers that were destroyed in Lebanon, it occurred to me that we have to punish the transgressor with the same -- and that we had to destroy the towers in America so that they taste what we tasted, and they stop killing our women and children.
We found no difficulties in dealing with the Bush administration, because of the similarities of that administration and the regimes in our countries, half of which are run by the military and half of which are run by monarchs. And our experience is vast with them.
And those two kinds are full of arrogance and taking money illegally.
The resemblance started when [former President George H.W.] Bush, the father, visited the area, when some of our own were impressed by America and were hoping that the visits would affect and influence our countries.
Then, what happened was that he was impressed by the monarchies and the military regimes, and he was jealous of them staying in power for tens of years, embezzling the public money without any accountability. And he moved the tyranny and suppression of freedom to his own country, and they called it the Patriot Act, under the disguise of fighting terrorism. And Bush, the father, found it good to install his children as governors and leaders.
We agreed with the leader of the group, Mohammed Atta, to perform all attacks within 20 minutes before [President George W.] Bush and his administration were aware of what was going on. And we never knew that the commander-in-chief of the American armed forces would leave 50,000 of his people in the two towers to face those events by themselves when they were in the most urgent need of their leader.
He was more interested in listening to the child's story about the goat rather than worry about what was happening to the towers. So, we had three times the time necessary to accomplish the events.
Your security is not in the hands of [Democratic presidential nominee John] Kerry or Bush or al Qaeda. Your security is in your own hands. Any nation that does not attack us will not be attacked.
Watch video here: javascript:LaunchVideo('/world/2004/10/29/robertson.binladen.affl.','300k');
I was in the bath. Called the artisan.
Hey artisan.
Hey Fishy, what a pleasant surprise, how are you?
I'm good. listen, how much do you weigh?
My oh my, what kind of a question is that sweetie?
I know it sounds crazy, but I'm taking some surveys; I just need to know. some girl I know wants to set me up with one of her friends and I found out her measurements and so I am calling a few girls I know so I can get a good idea of what this means.
Well Fishy you don't have to marry her. just go for coffee.
Yes I know, but I need to know what kind of getting together for coffee its going to be. you know, just need to know what to expect for things like this.
Well how tall is she?
She's 5’5.
O.k. well that's good. so am i.
Well how much do you weigh?
Well normally when you see me I weigh about 113, but I'm a bit lighter now. o.k. 113. yeah that's nice. now does that include your breasts?
Oh stop it.
O.k. so lets assume that includes your breasts.... which are quite nice by the way. if you don't mind me saying so...
Fishy stop. But thank you.
So do you think 5’5 and 125 is too big for me then?
Well for you probably yes. but for a lot of men that would be perfect. but I know what you like and that may be a bit too big for you. depending on the size of her breasts of course. They may be very large. And you may like that. I don't know.
Well I like your body.
But you always said that I needed a bigger butt.
Well this is true. if you had another pound or two at least around your ass, that would really be quite perfect. but that doesn’t add up to 125 does it?
No sweetie, it sure doesn’t. but I think you should still at least go have some coffee with her...
Yeah, no harm in that. its just good to know what kind of go to have some coffee your going to have that's all. you know?
Yes I know....
Then we talked about boo boo kitty. How cute she is but I mentioned her short temper.
Yes she does have a short temper doesn’t she. [if you could only hear the voice of the artisan.... it is quite intoxicating. She is a very dreamy woman...]
The thing is that sometimes she just loses her temper and starts barking at people. and you know that's fine if you know her really well or you are related to her, but when you don't know someone that can be quite alarming.
Yes I know. when she starts acting that way towards me I just laugh at her.
Well so do i. I just tell her that she is being incorrigible. And then she laughs and askes me what the word means. I explain to her that the way that she is being is a perfect example of the definition of the word. But last night I took her to a very fancy place with some very fancy friends of mine and they made some comment about Michael Moore’s movie being full of holes and not very accurate and I swear to God she just started biting the guys head off. Right there at the table. And they didn't even know each other and here she is yelling at him.
Yes you must help her get over that Fishy. she listens to you.
Well my friend didn't know what to do. he felt so bad about it as if he must have really offended her. I felt awful.
Well just help her out of this creation Fishy. you can do it. she is learning a lot from you since you moved there. she really looks up to you. don't tell her I said so but she really admires a lot of your qualities and realizes that she can learn a lot from how you are.
Well that makes me feel good but I'll tell you, I'm still learning myself. That's a big responsibility and I'm a real bastard a lot of the time. and honestly I can’t seem to help myself. I hate that.
Oh I know. we all are. Its just part of being human. But you're wonderful sweetie. You're a very positive influence on those around you. you know that. you’ve taught me a lot.
Well, I try, but I fuck up all the time. I really fucking hate that. you know, I think the reason why we like Pride and Prejudice so much is because the characters are so perfect as people that it gives us something to aspire to. I wish we were more like that. I wish I was as perfect a man as Mr. Darcy.
I know! she sings... and perhaps we will be one day if we keep at it Fishy. perhaps one day we can be as absolutely perfect as Jane Austen characters, each and everyone of us. wouldn’t that be great?
Yes it would Artisan. That would be just great.
We had a brilliant production meeting today about the new reality TV show. It was filmed. the key is just to have a camera on me at all times we decided. We watched some of the footage that was already shot and it was truly hilarious! The guys said ‘people are going to watch this and think who the fuck is this guy and where does he come from?’
Saturday, October 30, 2004
[October 30th actually took up the span of three full days in the year 2004. Some say it was because of the lunar eclipse. So don't be confused by this entry as many have been.]
The Transcendence Diaries were an experiment in the ongoing saga of The Adventures of Fishy. Not being able to complete the work, or better put, not even being able to make sense of it, I decided to abandon it all together and just start keeping a daily journal. Both factual and fictitious certainly. Thoughts, events, ideas, feelings, stories and fantasies, expurgations and exploits alike. It was much easier to journal everyday than it was to pen a novel. And I being a very lazy person thought the idea a brilliant one. At least for the benefit of my own sanity, but perhaps unfortunately not for the old bank account. I thought that going back to journal writing might help me one day prepare for novel writing. They were a therapy perhaps even more. Having been estranged from the lovely and mysterious Cleopatra at that point for close to a year, I needed something to fall in love with. Why not myself. I needed something to feed and water and care for. And the daily habit of diary keeping was just that thing.
They were started on July 12th, in the year 2002. not any different than the thousands of pages I had already penned as a young teenager and college student before I got the notion that I would turn it all into a novel one day. that idea and my many attempts at it so destroyed the journals completely that I soon started detesting the idea of writing. And for years I never even opened a book to jot down a word. Out of necessity really I began again simply and soon found my self so addicted to the process that I never travel anywhere now without my laptop and never find a quiet moment in the old noggin when there isn’t a narrator deep in the recesses of my mind recalling and retelling and reshaping every moment that I breathe, everything that I witness or observe, every thought, feeling, action, or event is narrated for me as if by some mysterious and unknown third party that dwells somewhere within my skull without me actually ever doing a thing. I just listen; attentively sometimes; except when I am trying to sleep; and I try my best to write a little bit of it down every night before I go to bed.
Although they are regularly posted to the Internet every few days a few pages at a time, they are actually kept in one-hundred page word documents to keep the file sizes manageable on my hard drive and a few external back up drives. Regardless of the date, each chapter is closed after a hundred pages have been typed. This evening I closed the ninth chapter to begin the 10th. That makes for an approximate count of 900 pages. [After a quick survey of each I found the actual count to be 944 pages to be exact.] Today's date is October 30th, 2004. Two years and three months later and 944 pages typed in. Not bad kid. Not bad at all. Especially since I don't take it seriously and don't even spend much time doing it. for the most part I had long considered it an almost fruitless exercise that I had created simply because I was too lazy to be a real writer. I had always compared diary keepers to part-time musicians who never bother to write complete songs or record albums. Hobbyists at best. Most of the time just nuisances.
But the project has not been without its benefits. I do derive an immense pleasure from the practice for some reason. I think partly because it affords me something to do with my mind. I have from what I can tell an certifiably insane mind. I was born with it. always had it since I could remember. Since I was a baby I could always hear this other voice inside my head speaking to me; no, not speaking to me. speaking to itself. While I listened. ‘so this is the nice woman. this is the mean man. This is my grandfather. He is the father of the nice woman. she is my mother. That is her mother over there. she does the cooking. She is the wife of the grandfather. He sits around and tells everyone else what to do. how long have I been here? who am I? how did I end up here? with them? who are these people? what if there were nothing in this world? what would the world be like if there was no world? would I still be in this world? is there another world besides this world? what world did I originally come from?’
These are my earliest memories of my earliest thoughts. Before I could walk or speak or communicate with the outside world of the giants all around me. I would close my eyes for minutes at a time and try to imagine a world where there was no world in it, or try to picture the world from which I came. For I knew that one day I was not here, and the next thing I knew, I was here. this I knew. The other voice in my head always thinking, calculating, analyzing. And me just following along for the ride.
I ask other people do you have this voice in your head that is always narrating everything and commenting on everything and cataloging everything and judging everything? and most often than not they say no and that I should seek medical treatment. So I think the diaries are that medical treatment. It’s the way I ward off the insanity that would surely come from someone living with this day in and day out without any rest from it like I do. so I write it all out instead. I think that's the truest thing I've ever written in my life.
The Transcendence Diaries were an experiment in the ongoing saga of The Adventures of Fishy. Not being able to complete the work, or better put, not even being able to make sense of it, I decided to abandon it all together and just start keeping a daily journal. Both factual and fictitious certainly. Thoughts, events, ideas, feelings, stories and fantasies, expurgations and exploits alike. It was much easier to journal everyday than it was to pen a novel. And I being a very lazy person thought the idea a brilliant one. At least for the benefit of my own sanity, but perhaps unfortunately not for the old bank account. I thought that going back to journal writing might help me one day prepare for novel writing. They were a therapy perhaps even more. Having been estranged from the lovely and mysterious Cleopatra at that point for close to a year, I needed something to fall in love with. Why not myself. I needed something to feed and water and care for. And the daily habit of diary keeping was just that thing.
They were started on July 12th, in the year 2002. not any different than the thousands of pages I had already penned as a young teenager and college student before I got the notion that I would turn it all into a novel one day. that idea and my many attempts at it so destroyed the journals completely that I soon started detesting the idea of writing. And for years I never even opened a book to jot down a word. Out of necessity really I began again simply and soon found my self so addicted to the process that I never travel anywhere now without my laptop and never find a quiet moment in the old noggin when there isn’t a narrator deep in the recesses of my mind recalling and retelling and reshaping every moment that I breathe, everything that I witness or observe, every thought, feeling, action, or event is narrated for me as if by some mysterious and unknown third party that dwells somewhere within my skull without me actually ever doing a thing. I just listen; attentively sometimes; except when I am trying to sleep; and I try my best to write a little bit of it down every night before I go to bed.
Although they are regularly posted to the Internet every few days a few pages at a time, they are actually kept in one-hundred page word documents to keep the file sizes manageable on my hard drive and a few external back up drives. Regardless of the date, each chapter is closed after a hundred pages have been typed. This evening I closed the ninth chapter to begin the 10th. That makes for an approximate count of 900 pages. [After a quick survey of each I found the actual count to be 944 pages to be exact.] Today's date is October 30th, 2004. Two years and three months later and 944 pages typed in. Not bad kid. Not bad at all. Especially since I don't take it seriously and don't even spend much time doing it. for the most part I had long considered it an almost fruitless exercise that I had created simply because I was too lazy to be a real writer. I had always compared diary keepers to part-time musicians who never bother to write complete songs or record albums. Hobbyists at best. Most of the time just nuisances.
But the project has not been without its benefits. I do derive an immense pleasure from the practice for some reason. I think partly because it affords me something to do with my mind. I have from what I can tell an certifiably insane mind. I was born with it. always had it since I could remember. Since I was a baby I could always hear this other voice inside my head speaking to me; no, not speaking to me. speaking to itself. While I listened. ‘so this is the nice woman. this is the mean man. This is my grandfather. He is the father of the nice woman. she is my mother. That is her mother over there. she does the cooking. She is the wife of the grandfather. He sits around and tells everyone else what to do. how long have I been here? who am I? how did I end up here? with them? who are these people? what if there were nothing in this world? what would the world be like if there was no world? would I still be in this world? is there another world besides this world? what world did I originally come from?’
These are my earliest memories of my earliest thoughts. Before I could walk or speak or communicate with the outside world of the giants all around me. I would close my eyes for minutes at a time and try to imagine a world where there was no world in it, or try to picture the world from which I came. For I knew that one day I was not here, and the next thing I knew, I was here. this I knew. The other voice in my head always thinking, calculating, analyzing. And me just following along for the ride.
I ask other people do you have this voice in your head that is always narrating everything and commenting on everything and cataloging everything and judging everything? and most often than not they say no and that I should seek medical treatment. So I think the diaries are that medical treatment. It’s the way I ward off the insanity that would surely come from someone living with this day in and day out without any rest from it like I do. so I write it all out instead. I think that's the truest thing I've ever written in my life.
Early morning: an amazing thing had happened: quickly because my bath is running. Had spoken with God/higher self/whatever that night and just said, you know, I'm tired of the Juliet creation. I'm here in New York now. my heart is bursting open and I want to love and be loved. I am tired of loving Juliet or thinking about loving Juliet. So alas I am going to discreate this now. But what still struck me as not very pleasing about the situation was all the signs from the universe about her. the coincidences, the synchronistic events, the dreams and visions. It was like some kind of cosmic joke. Appeared entirely like some beautiful scene from a Richard Bach novel and yet... nothing. My intuition led me to believe that she was not it. a best friend at best. and yet... what then were all the signs for? To show me how strong our minds were at manifesting things that were at the forefront of our consciousness? Perhaps the signs were God’s/the universe’s way of showing me that it wasn't so much about fate or destiny as it was about our own ability to create our own reality.
Having always been one who was vulnerable to the belief in fate and destiny over chaos and chance events ruling our lives, I found this conclusion challenging. And yet, there it seemed to be, right in front of me. in my heart, I could feel in that moment that Juliet was not the one. that she may indeed possess many and most of the qualities and characteristics that I have searched for in a woman all my life and yet I could feel that she was not the one, even though perhaps I really wanted her to be sometimes. For various reasons. Not the least of which would be the pure romanticism of falling in love and marrying the girl you have had a crush on since junior high school. That was so up my alley that you can picture me drooling at the thought of it.
And yet, there it was in my heart, the knowing. Somehow the creation had changed. I had changed the creation. And felt now, that she was actually, someone else. someone I have not yet met. But still, there, in the cold dark of the night I struggled with what God/spirit/the universe was trying to tell me by sending all of these signs into my life over the last six months about dear Juliet. Perhaps it was not she at all? perhaps a different girl who shared the same name? could be. but I didn't believe that to be so. Too many other signs about the town she lives in as well. no, there was something... something to the signs. But what?
In that moment I resigned myself to the fact that I may never know what any of it meant, and in all honesty I could not care anymore. I am here. she is there. I am wild and crazy and live life like a train out of hell. And she is in the great northwest of Washington for Gods sake, living on a farm, slowly, methodically, peaceably. Our lives were not meant to be bound; but only to cross. I could feel that.
And in that moment I prayed: and yet God, if there was something to this, certainly Juliet would know it as well... yes? it wouldn’t be all me, unless it were all in my imagination only. Just my creation.... and only my creation? Are we all just prisoners of our own creative imaginations? Each of us bound by nothing more than our individual creative abilities? Are there no absolutes whatsoever? No fate? No destiny? she has received some signs certainly... many dreams she has relayed to me over the last six months.... but still... perhaps if she received the same type of signs as I have then she too would wonder about this as much as I do. perhaps she does and because of her current circumstances she just cannot reveal the matter. Well, I will sleep now. and if there is something to this, then certainly Juliet will get a sign of some kind as well.... if there is no sign to dear Juliet then I will wash my hands of it once and for all and move on.
The next morning I logged onto the Internet over a cup of coffee and hit ‘send/receive,’ and there in my inbox is an email from Juliet. I open it up and I could not believe what I saw before me. I almost fell off my chair. But as is almost always the case when we experience something magical or mythical, I was too stunned to move at all. The opening lines of her email were, to directly quote it here:
“Subject: bizarre dream
Later that day...
Having always been one who was vulnerable to the belief in fate and destiny over chaos and chance events ruling our lives, I found this conclusion challenging. And yet, there it seemed to be, right in front of me. in my heart, I could feel in that moment that Juliet was not the one. that she may indeed possess many and most of the qualities and characteristics that I have searched for in a woman all my life and yet I could feel that she was not the one, even though perhaps I really wanted her to be sometimes. For various reasons. Not the least of which would be the pure romanticism of falling in love and marrying the girl you have had a crush on since junior high school. That was so up my alley that you can picture me drooling at the thought of it.
And yet, there it was in my heart, the knowing. Somehow the creation had changed. I had changed the creation. And felt now, that she was actually, someone else. someone I have not yet met. But still, there, in the cold dark of the night I struggled with what God/spirit/the universe was trying to tell me by sending all of these signs into my life over the last six months about dear Juliet. Perhaps it was not she at all? perhaps a different girl who shared the same name? could be. but I didn't believe that to be so. Too many other signs about the town she lives in as well. no, there was something... something to the signs. But what?
In that moment I resigned myself to the fact that I may never know what any of it meant, and in all honesty I could not care anymore. I am here. she is there. I am wild and crazy and live life like a train out of hell. And she is in the great northwest of Washington for Gods sake, living on a farm, slowly, methodically, peaceably. Our lives were not meant to be bound; but only to cross. I could feel that.
And in that moment I prayed: and yet God, if there was something to this, certainly Juliet would know it as well... yes? it wouldn’t be all me, unless it were all in my imagination only. Just my creation.... and only my creation? Are we all just prisoners of our own creative imaginations? Each of us bound by nothing more than our individual creative abilities? Are there no absolutes whatsoever? No fate? No destiny? she has received some signs certainly... many dreams she has relayed to me over the last six months.... but still... perhaps if she received the same type of signs as I have then she too would wonder about this as much as I do. perhaps she does and because of her current circumstances she just cannot reveal the matter. Well, I will sleep now. and if there is something to this, then certainly Juliet will get a sign of some kind as well.... if there is no sign to dear Juliet then I will wash my hands of it once and for all and move on.
The next morning I logged onto the Internet over a cup of coffee and hit ‘send/receive,’ and there in my inbox is an email from Juliet. I open it up and I could not believe what I saw before me. I almost fell off my chair. But as is almost always the case when we experience something magical or mythical, I was too stunned to move at all. The opening lines of her email were, to directly quote it here:
“Subject: bizarre dream
Dear FishySo, there it is. magic. Absolute fucking magic. So we certainly cannot laugh too heartily at the idea of God anymore as much as just laugh along with Him/Her/It. The amazing thing is that this experience, I mean the fact that I fell asleep asking God to show me a sign by showing Juliet a sign and that very same night she dreamed that we were getting married.... hmmm.... but the experience somehow liberated me from the creation itself. Stunned but complacent now to move on. It is right there, to me, anyway, in front of us, the messages and signs, more so than what one could even hope for in your average Carlos Casteneda novel. What we do with it on the other hand is an entirely different matter. And at this point, I must be deadly honest, I succumb to the fact that I have had so many realizations about these matters since I have moved here, having seen more beautiful and eligible women in the last month than I have seen anywhere else in my entire life altogether, that in the end perhaps it just doesn’t matter. Perhaps the Juliet saga is a wild card thrown in by the great gods with joyous senses of humor for illumination of a different sort; more metaphysical and metaphorical than literal. As a warrior, as a mystic, and as a man, I feel that I can draw much from the experience, the least of which being that the possibilities are endless as they are laid out before us by the powers that be; that Juliet may indeed be my soul mate, but perhaps not my wife. That perhaps she was my wife in a past life and this is the great and final parting of the ways that we both need to finish our karma together and move on with our respective lives. Or that perhaps she holds a different message entirely. but that the only way to get to me the great gods know is through my longings for love and sex and romance and the like. Whatever the case may be, I remain awestruck by the event. And I will never again doubt our power to create; our power to transmit thoughts and feelings through the ethers is undeniable to me now.
alright. get this one. i dreamed we got married. it was super-surreal. a big church to-do that was completely out of scope. the "here comes the bride" organ dirge music was going, the dress was BIG and white and on, my hair was BIG and veil-festooned, the pews were packed with poloi, and i was standing amidst it thinking, shit, i am getting married and this is absolutely the furthest thing from my plan right now. besides, i would have designed it all completely different. not like "my big fat greek wedding", certainly!!! i looked around at all the people, felt the scratchy layers of my hideous dress, felt someone holding my hand and i looked over and it was you Fishy, looking equally horrified and very uncomfortable and nervous in a tightly tied tuxedo rig. oh, i am marrying Fishy, I thought.” How bizarre...
Later that day...
Friday, October 29, 2004
The American congressman John Calhoun stated vehemently in his argument before the senate when trying to do away with the abolitionist movement (the smart peeps trying to free the black people who were mistakenly and criminally known as “slaves”) that it was ridiculous to consider all men equal when it was clear as day just by looking at them that they weren't. he really believed this of course. Or perhaps he just pretended he did because he needed them to keep working for him for free. Who knows. who cares. The guy was a fucking nutjob. And so were all those other creeps who owned other people, including the so-called founding fathers, who were only founding fathers in the first place because they had the biggest plantations. Meaning: that they owned the most black people who were mistakenly and criminally being known as slaves.
Now today we can look back at that think it’s the most ridiculous thing we've ever heard... but maybe old jackass fuckhead bastard Calhoun was right in a way.... If you look at the last thirty years, what's it been? Thirty years? since the black people were really free in America? About that anyway, maybe forty years at best.... their quick ascension to complete domination in sports, of the arts, and the world of entertainment, maybe they're just plain better than the white people in a lot of respects. Maybe that's what Mr. Calhoun knew all along and was just scared shitless about so he kept it a secret. They sure have the biggest shlongs. That's for sure. Honestly if you’ve ever seen one, its just plain scary. All I know is I don't care who was right or who was wrong, but I do know this. I sure would like to play the guitar as good as Jimi Hendrix did, or rap as well as jay z or chuck D, or dance as well as Prince, or play ball as well as Michael Jordan or Barry bonds, or be as smart, and rich, as oprah winfrey, or be as funny as Chris rock Eddie Murphy, bill cosby or Richard Pryor. That's for sure. So say what you will my Negros but them blackies are taking over. And they're doing it fast. I don't think they're equal at all. I think they may just end up being superior to the white people in a lot of fucking ways. The only thing the white people had was more guns and more money.
Last screening: MOTORCYCLE DIARIES. HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS FILM. this is a great movie. This is a major chill factor movie. Man I was enthused coming out of there. boo boo my companion wanted to walk but I said fuck that I'm hopping in a cab, I have to get home and write and work on this reality show thing. it is everyday becoming more and more clear. same thing with the diaries. PS – the American CIA helped kill che guevera. Why is America always involved in this kind of stuff?
Now today we can look back at that think it’s the most ridiculous thing we've ever heard... but maybe old jackass fuckhead bastard Calhoun was right in a way.... If you look at the last thirty years, what's it been? Thirty years? since the black people were really free in America? About that anyway, maybe forty years at best.... their quick ascension to complete domination in sports, of the arts, and the world of entertainment, maybe they're just plain better than the white people in a lot of respects. Maybe that's what Mr. Calhoun knew all along and was just scared shitless about so he kept it a secret. They sure have the biggest shlongs. That's for sure. Honestly if you’ve ever seen one, its just plain scary. All I know is I don't care who was right or who was wrong, but I do know this. I sure would like to play the guitar as good as Jimi Hendrix did, or rap as well as jay z or chuck D, or dance as well as Prince, or play ball as well as Michael Jordan or Barry bonds, or be as smart, and rich, as oprah winfrey, or be as funny as Chris rock Eddie Murphy, bill cosby or Richard Pryor. That's for sure. So say what you will my Negros but them blackies are taking over. And they're doing it fast. I don't think they're equal at all. I think they may just end up being superior to the white people in a lot of fucking ways. The only thing the white people had was more guns and more money.
Last screening: MOTORCYCLE DIARIES. HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS FILM. this is a great movie. This is a major chill factor movie. Man I was enthused coming out of there. boo boo my companion wanted to walk but I said fuck that I'm hopping in a cab, I have to get home and write and work on this reality show thing. it is everyday becoming more and more clear. same thing with the diaries. PS – the American CIA helped kill che guevera. Why is America always involved in this kind of stuff?
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Looking for meaning. I think this is the hardest part of it. looking for meaning. More later. But I still find it the most difficult challenge of being alive here. I'm not just speaking personally. Maybe I'm not speaking personally at all; but more intellectually. For personally I get the sensation at least most of the time that I have some sense of meaning in my life.... it is only when I stop to meditate on it that I begin to see that it is for the most part not much. That in the bigger scheme of things, in the human scheme of things, that there is not a lot of meaning to all of it.... that beyond love, beyond sex, beyond family and friends, beyond children, what is there for us?
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
History of The Curse
So the Boston red sox won the American Series (calling it the World Series is still silly and very 20th century. Either invite the rest of the world to play or stop calling it the World Series.) But in any case, guess what? The curse has finally been reversed! After almost a hundred years. Babe Ruth can sleep well now and so can the city of Boston. I think this is a good omen for America indeed. A few days before the series, our good friend old Chap and his friend, both from the northeast, drove to the actual grave of babe Ruth which is here in New York upstate and begged him to release the curse. This is a true story. They poured an entire brand new bottle of jack Daniels on his gravesite as an offering and begged him to let the old curse go. Well we all know what happened next. So today they are on their way back up to the gravesite to give him another bottle of jack Daniels and to lay a few Boston red sox caps on his grave and to give their thanks.
History of The Curse
Jan. 3, 1920 -- Boston, winners of five World Series appearances (1903, 1912, 1915, 1916 and 1918) sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees. The Red Sox received a fee of $125,000 plus a loan of $350,000 for Ruth, and superstitious fans believe a curse was thrown in for free. The "Curse of the Bambino" has followed Boston through four World Series defeats -- each one in seven games. May 8, 1926 -- During a span in which Boston lost over 100 games in three consecutive seasons, much of the left-field bleacher sections in Fenway Park were destroyed by a fire. Jan. 4, 1934 -- When Tom Yawkey purchased the Red Sox in 1933, restoration began on Fenway to repair damage from the 1926 fire. During construction, another fire swept through the ballpark, undoing much of the progress. Oct. 15, 1946 -- In Boston's first visit to the World Series since 1918, the Red Sox lost a decisive Game 7 to the Cardinals. Tied at 3-all in the eighth inning, Enos Slaughter scored from first on Harry Walker's double in the bottom half when shortstop Johnny Pesky hesitated with his relay throw. Oct. 4, 1948 -- The Red Sox lost 8-3 to Cleveland in a one-game playoff for the American League pennant. Oct. 12, 1967 -- The Red Sox lost to the Cardinals in their next visit to the World Series. After leading the Red Sox to victory in Games 2 and 5, Jim Lonborg returned to the mound in Game 7 against the Cardinals' Bob Gibson. Gibson gave up three hits while Lonborg, pitching on only two days rest, allowed the Cardinals to score seven runs for a 7-2 loss. March 22, 1972 -- In yet another of a long line of bad Boston trades, the Yankees acquired relief pitcher Sparky Lyle for first baseman Danny Cater. Lyle was a three-time all-star with the Yankees and won the AL Cy Young Award in 1977. Oct. 14, 1975 -- Cincinnati took a 2-1 lead in the World Series with a controversial 6-5, 10-inning win. Reds pinch-hitter Ed Armbrister hesitated after a bunt and collided with catcher Carlton Fisk, who was trying to field the ball. Fisk's throwing error allowed Cesar Geronimo to advance to third -- and later score the game-winning run. Home plate umpire Larry Barnett ruled there was no interference despite heated protests by the Red Sox. Oct. 22, 1975 -- One day after Carlton Fisk hit a 12th-inning homer off the left-field foul pole to win Game 6, Boston lost Game 7 by wasting a 3-0 lead. Joe Morgan blooped a go-ahead ninth-inning single off Jim Burton in Cincinnati's 4-3 win. Oct. 2, 1978 -- The Red Sox lost the only other one-game playoff in AL history. Bucky Dent hit a three-run homer off Mike Torrez to lead the Yankees to a 5-4 victory at Fenway Park. The Red Sox at one point in the year had a 14-game lead over the Yankees in the East division. Oct. 25, 1986 -- The Red Sox were one strike away from the title. But then came Bob Stanley's tying wild pitch and Mookie Wilson's winning grounder through the legs of first baseman Bill Buckner in Game 6. Oct. 27, 1986 -- Boston again wasted a 3-0 lead in Game 7, losing 8-5. Nov. 5, 1996 -- Roger Clemens was granted free agency after Boston's then-general manager Dan Duquette said the pitcher was in the "twilight" of his career. Over the next eight years, Clemens went on to post a 136-53 record while earning three more Cy Young awards and two World Series rings with the Yankees. Oct. 18, 1999 -- Boston blew a three-run lead in the bottom of the eighth and stranded 11 runners in a 6-1 loss to New York in Game 5 of the ALCS. The victory clinched the Yankees' 36th American League Pennant and led to their 25th World Series title since the acquisition of Ruth. Oct. 16, 2003 -- Aaron Boone homered off Tim Wakefield in the bottom of the 11th inning of Game 7 of the ALCS and the Yankees advanced to the World Series for the sixth time in eight years. Boone was just 2-for-16 in the ALCS before the home run. Feb. 14, 2004 -- The Yankees and the Texas Rangers agreed to the outline of a deal that sent Alex Rodriguez to New York. The Red Sox nearly acquired A-Rod in December of 2003, but a proposed deal that would have sent outfielder Manny Ramirez to Texas fell through because the players' association blocked Boston's attempt to restructure Rodriguez's record $252 million, 10-year contract. June 13, 2004 -- Hoping to lift the curse, divers attempted to find and raise the sunken remains of a piano that Babe Ruth allegedly pushed into Willis pond in Sudbury, Mass. after the 1918 World Series. The fourth such dive surfaced without so much as a pedal or a piano string.
AND:
Scientists uncover possible new species of human
Dwarf skeleton is 18,000 years old
Wednesday, October 27, 2004 Posted: 1:06 PM EDT (1706 GMT)
(AP) -- In a breathtaking discovery, scientists working on a remote Indonesian island say they have uncovered the bones of a human dwarf species marooned for eons while modern man rapidly colonized the rest of the planet.
One tiny specimen, an adult female measuring about 3 feet tall, is described as "the most extreme" figure to be included in the extended human family. Certainly, she is the shortest.
This hobbit-sized creature appears to have lived as recently as 18,000 years ago on the island of Flores, a kind of tropical Lost World populated by giant lizards and miniature elephants.
Read more here:
http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/10/27/dwarf.cavewoman.ap/index.html
History of The Curse
Jan. 3, 1920 -- Boston, winners of five World Series appearances (1903, 1912, 1915, 1916 and 1918) sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees. The Red Sox received a fee of $125,000 plus a loan of $350,000 for Ruth, and superstitious fans believe a curse was thrown in for free. The "Curse of the Bambino" has followed Boston through four World Series defeats -- each one in seven games. May 8, 1926 -- During a span in which Boston lost over 100 games in three consecutive seasons, much of the left-field bleacher sections in Fenway Park were destroyed by a fire. Jan. 4, 1934 -- When Tom Yawkey purchased the Red Sox in 1933, restoration began on Fenway to repair damage from the 1926 fire. During construction, another fire swept through the ballpark, undoing much of the progress. Oct. 15, 1946 -- In Boston's first visit to the World Series since 1918, the Red Sox lost a decisive Game 7 to the Cardinals. Tied at 3-all in the eighth inning, Enos Slaughter scored from first on Harry Walker's double in the bottom half when shortstop Johnny Pesky hesitated with his relay throw. Oct. 4, 1948 -- The Red Sox lost 8-3 to Cleveland in a one-game playoff for the American League pennant. Oct. 12, 1967 -- The Red Sox lost to the Cardinals in their next visit to the World Series. After leading the Red Sox to victory in Games 2 and 5, Jim Lonborg returned to the mound in Game 7 against the Cardinals' Bob Gibson. Gibson gave up three hits while Lonborg, pitching on only two days rest, allowed the Cardinals to score seven runs for a 7-2 loss. March 22, 1972 -- In yet another of a long line of bad Boston trades, the Yankees acquired relief pitcher Sparky Lyle for first baseman Danny Cater. Lyle was a three-time all-star with the Yankees and won the AL Cy Young Award in 1977. Oct. 14, 1975 -- Cincinnati took a 2-1 lead in the World Series with a controversial 6-5, 10-inning win. Reds pinch-hitter Ed Armbrister hesitated after a bunt and collided with catcher Carlton Fisk, who was trying to field the ball. Fisk's throwing error allowed Cesar Geronimo to advance to third -- and later score the game-winning run. Home plate umpire Larry Barnett ruled there was no interference despite heated protests by the Red Sox. Oct. 22, 1975 -- One day after Carlton Fisk hit a 12th-inning homer off the left-field foul pole to win Game 6, Boston lost Game 7 by wasting a 3-0 lead. Joe Morgan blooped a go-ahead ninth-inning single off Jim Burton in Cincinnati's 4-3 win. Oct. 2, 1978 -- The Red Sox lost the only other one-game playoff in AL history. Bucky Dent hit a three-run homer off Mike Torrez to lead the Yankees to a 5-4 victory at Fenway Park. The Red Sox at one point in the year had a 14-game lead over the Yankees in the East division. Oct. 25, 1986 -- The Red Sox were one strike away from the title. But then came Bob Stanley's tying wild pitch and Mookie Wilson's winning grounder through the legs of first baseman Bill Buckner in Game 6. Oct. 27, 1986 -- Boston again wasted a 3-0 lead in Game 7, losing 8-5. Nov. 5, 1996 -- Roger Clemens was granted free agency after Boston's then-general manager Dan Duquette said the pitcher was in the "twilight" of his career. Over the next eight years, Clemens went on to post a 136-53 record while earning three more Cy Young awards and two World Series rings with the Yankees. Oct. 18, 1999 -- Boston blew a three-run lead in the bottom of the eighth and stranded 11 runners in a 6-1 loss to New York in Game 5 of the ALCS. The victory clinched the Yankees' 36th American League Pennant and led to their 25th World Series title since the acquisition of Ruth. Oct. 16, 2003 -- Aaron Boone homered off Tim Wakefield in the bottom of the 11th inning of Game 7 of the ALCS and the Yankees advanced to the World Series for the sixth time in eight years. Boone was just 2-for-16 in the ALCS before the home run. Feb. 14, 2004 -- The Yankees and the Texas Rangers agreed to the outline of a deal that sent Alex Rodriguez to New York. The Red Sox nearly acquired A-Rod in December of 2003, but a proposed deal that would have sent outfielder Manny Ramirez to Texas fell through because the players' association blocked Boston's attempt to restructure Rodriguez's record $252 million, 10-year contract. June 13, 2004 -- Hoping to lift the curse, divers attempted to find and raise the sunken remains of a piano that Babe Ruth allegedly pushed into Willis pond in Sudbury, Mass. after the 1918 World Series. The fourth such dive surfaced without so much as a pedal or a piano string.
AND:
Scientists uncover possible new species of human
Dwarf skeleton is 18,000 years old
Wednesday, October 27, 2004 Posted: 1:06 PM EDT (1706 GMT)
(AP) -- In a breathtaking discovery, scientists working on a remote Indonesian island say they have uncovered the bones of a human dwarf species marooned for eons while modern man rapidly colonized the rest of the planet.
One tiny specimen, an adult female measuring about 3 feet tall, is described as "the most extreme" figure to be included in the extended human family. Certainly, she is the shortest.
This hobbit-sized creature appears to have lived as recently as 18,000 years ago on the island of Flores, a kind of tropical Lost World populated by giant lizards and miniature elephants.
Read more here:
http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/10/27/dwarf.cavewoman.ap/index.html
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Step by step and little by little my life is taking on an air of honesty and admirability as an added bonus that I entirely unexpected from this move. I dare say that if I continue in this manner, to be vigilant of my thoughts and actions, and to be diligent in my adherence to the call that I feel from the deepest center of my being, that I may just end up the gentleman that I never knew that I always wanted to be.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Reading the label of a Guess shirt I have. a handsome rugged brown velvet model that I have always enjoyed sporting now and then. i looked down at the care label and was aghast at the irony and sheer hypocrisy that I saw: GUESS. U.S.A. American TRADITION. made in china. 100% cotton. Fucking bastards. What the hell do “American tradition” and “made in china” have to do with one another? Well maybe more than we care to admit.
Last screening: Ken Burns documentary entitled ‘The American Congress.’ See it. its good.
Last screening: Ken Burns documentary entitled ‘The American Congress.’ See it. its good.
Friday, October 22, 2004
Francis in town with her mother. Her mother is gorgeous and I quickly admitted that she is the first 60 year old woman that I have ever met that I would not only make love to but feel absolutely honored to have the privilege of doing so. Very refined and intelligent French woman. much like Francis herself.
We spent a lot of time discussing this whole new reality TV project idea I have been dipping my feet into. she had many good ideas and suggestions. Feeling very excited about it actually. So I sit here and try to take as many notes as possible while attempting to stay diligent to the transcendence diaries at the same time.
Changing the transcendence diaries now. making them more public as we have kept them in frame sets to keep them off the search engines and rather a private affair just for fans. But the idea now is to not only open them up to the public by allowing search engine robots to see them, but to actually make them more of a forum situation where users can post comments and replies to one another based on the content of the diaries. bloggers are already doing this. its funny. I've been doing the transcendence diaries for years now and to a certain degree, for a short time, it was a quite a novel and fresh and controversial thing, but while I was doing it this whole blog phenom starting hitting so its right in line with what's going on. I was doing it the whole time and here it turns into this whole public phenom. And now it certainly isn't a novel idea. Whether or not it is controversial still remains to be seen since the only people who read the transcendence diaries seem to be die hard fans and they don't really care how far off I go in them. I assume that people who don't like what I write will just stop reading and close their browser window.
Opening them up to the public, putting them more out there, could certainly open up a few cans of worms. But I believe that it may be part of the bigger picture. After all it has been almost a year since last years ski trip when the artisan pleaded with me vehemently to have my own TV show and do whatever it took to expand my horizons and my image beyond just standing on stage and singing. So being here now, I feel very open all of a sudden. You cannot help but feel this sense of infinite possibilities.
I have taken an office on park avenue. Which really made me walk out of there kicking my heals with excitement about how much I will be able to get accomplished now. (never been one to be very adept at working from home myself. Wish I could actually because this fucking office is expensive.) How you might ask? Since I am flat broke? Oh well that is the secret I have been living my life by since I can remember. Some call it living beyond your means. I call it living your dreams. something akin to believing it first and seeing it soon after. I have always lived this way. and whenever I have found myself living through more mainstream belief systems, like being prudent or scared of not having enough money etc I have always popped out of it and realized that I wasn't really living the life as fully as I was meant to or was capable of.
[Take Boo Boo Kitty for instance. She has over four hundred thousand dollars in the bank. Invested. And I ask her today if I can borrow the second volume to pride and prejudice and she tells me that I can only come over the her house to watch it and cannot take it out of her house because it is too valuable. Go on Amazon and you can buy a set for less than twenty bucks. Prob less. So you just have to wonder where that comes from. that kind of lack mentality, where even if someone has that much money in the bank they still feel poor and worry about losing a used videotape.]
We spent a lot of time discussing this whole new reality TV project idea I have been dipping my feet into. she had many good ideas and suggestions. Feeling very excited about it actually. So I sit here and try to take as many notes as possible while attempting to stay diligent to the transcendence diaries at the same time.
Changing the transcendence diaries now. making them more public as we have kept them in frame sets to keep them off the search engines and rather a private affair just for fans. But the idea now is to not only open them up to the public by allowing search engine robots to see them, but to actually make them more of a forum situation where users can post comments and replies to one another based on the content of the diaries. bloggers are already doing this. its funny. I've been doing the transcendence diaries for years now and to a certain degree, for a short time, it was a quite a novel and fresh and controversial thing, but while I was doing it this whole blog phenom starting hitting so its right in line with what's going on. I was doing it the whole time and here it turns into this whole public phenom. And now it certainly isn't a novel idea. Whether or not it is controversial still remains to be seen since the only people who read the transcendence diaries seem to be die hard fans and they don't really care how far off I go in them. I assume that people who don't like what I write will just stop reading and close their browser window.
Opening them up to the public, putting them more out there, could certainly open up a few cans of worms. But I believe that it may be part of the bigger picture. After all it has been almost a year since last years ski trip when the artisan pleaded with me vehemently to have my own TV show and do whatever it took to expand my horizons and my image beyond just standing on stage and singing. So being here now, I feel very open all of a sudden. You cannot help but feel this sense of infinite possibilities.
I have taken an office on park avenue. Which really made me walk out of there kicking my heals with excitement about how much I will be able to get accomplished now. (never been one to be very adept at working from home myself. Wish I could actually because this fucking office is expensive.) How you might ask? Since I am flat broke? Oh well that is the secret I have been living my life by since I can remember. Some call it living beyond your means. I call it living your dreams. something akin to believing it first and seeing it soon after. I have always lived this way. and whenever I have found myself living through more mainstream belief systems, like being prudent or scared of not having enough money etc I have always popped out of it and realized that I wasn't really living the life as fully as I was meant to or was capable of.
[Take Boo Boo Kitty for instance. She has over four hundred thousand dollars in the bank. Invested. And I ask her today if I can borrow the second volume to pride and prejudice and she tells me that I can only come over the her house to watch it and cannot take it out of her house because it is too valuable. Go on Amazon and you can buy a set for less than twenty bucks. Prob less. So you just have to wonder where that comes from. that kind of lack mentality, where even if someone has that much money in the bank they still feel poor and worry about losing a used videotape.]
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Watching Your Thoughts
I was in a French café. Seated. Eating. A chocolate croissant. A cappuccino. I am staring at this new girl who walks in. Time slows down. I thought the thoughts. But then suddenly I popped out of thinking the thoughts and started watching them instead. you have to love when that happens. I pulled out my notepad and began making a list. This is the closest I came up with the exact order of how they popped in with absolutely no malice or deliberation on my part. As if I am nothing but the observer of this whole other being that lives inside of me thinking all these thoughts and feeling all these feelings. Fascinating.
Within a matter of less than two minutes it went something like this I noticed: “oh that's a pretty girl. Is she pretty? Let me see her face. I wish she would turn around. Great body from behind. I feel a sense of urgency and fear. She's turning around. If she is pretty I will surely feel sad that I cannot have her. how do you know you cannot have her? you don't even know her. well I guess I just assume I cannot have her. well maybe you can have her. she's probably married. Look at her finger. If she is hot and she is married then I will feel relief and the sadness will go away because then I don't have to worry about her wanting to go out with me or not. She's taken. Yes true but I will also feel sad because she is married and all the good girls are already taken. How will I ever find a great girl of my own? oh look she's not that pretty. Good. now I feel better. She's not pretty. So I don't have to worry. but man what if she is not married? Oh that will make me sad because now I will feel sorry for her and worry about her getting married....” that is when I realized that I was watching my thoughts rather than thinking them. or rather, that is when I stopped thinking my thoughts and realized that I was watching them at the same time. again, fascinating. What irony. So lets get this straight according to my insane thinking, if a girl is hot then I feel bad for myself that she probably won't want me, unless of course she does then I immediately don't really like her or want her anymore for some strange reason. If she is married I feel a little bit better because at least I don't have to worry about her wanting me or not. Can’t fault her for not wanting me if she is married after all. but if she is unattractive, then I feel immediate relief from this nagging sorrow that no hot and eligible girls like me, fucking fascinating. And yet at the same time I immediately start feeling bad for them and hoping that they meet someone fast that will love them and marry them. crazy series of fears, resistances, and projections. A psychotic brain if you ask me.
The whole time I am observing this I am taking notes in the restaurant. The Syrian girl is curiously reading my every word, attempting to discover what I am scribbling about. I am sure she has no idea.
Later that night the Syrian girl seduces me. I am serious. I have no attraction to this girl. Some but not a lot. I have never had Syrian before so I tell myself that I should at least attempt to sleep with her if that is what she is aiming at just to rack up another country. Syria is totally uncharted territory to me. so I jump up and look up Syria on msn Encarta world atlas. Wow there it is in the middle of all of these Muslim countries. I ask her to show me exactly where she lives on the map. So there it is. crazy. what the hell is she doing all the way over here in New York? She tells me that she listens to my cds everyday and her favorite song is superhero girl. That it is her song. She then takes off her clothes and tells me to make love to her.
Within a matter of less than two minutes it went something like this I noticed: “oh that's a pretty girl. Is she pretty? Let me see her face. I wish she would turn around. Great body from behind. I feel a sense of urgency and fear. She's turning around. If she is pretty I will surely feel sad that I cannot have her. how do you know you cannot have her? you don't even know her. well I guess I just assume I cannot have her. well maybe you can have her. she's probably married. Look at her finger. If she is hot and she is married then I will feel relief and the sadness will go away because then I don't have to worry about her wanting to go out with me or not. She's taken. Yes true but I will also feel sad because she is married and all the good girls are already taken. How will I ever find a great girl of my own? oh look she's not that pretty. Good. now I feel better. She's not pretty. So I don't have to worry. but man what if she is not married? Oh that will make me sad because now I will feel sorry for her and worry about her getting married....” that is when I realized that I was watching my thoughts rather than thinking them. or rather, that is when I stopped thinking my thoughts and realized that I was watching them at the same time. again, fascinating. What irony. So lets get this straight according to my insane thinking, if a girl is hot then I feel bad for myself that she probably won't want me, unless of course she does then I immediately don't really like her or want her anymore for some strange reason. If she is married I feel a little bit better because at least I don't have to worry about her wanting me or not. Can’t fault her for not wanting me if she is married after all. but if she is unattractive, then I feel immediate relief from this nagging sorrow that no hot and eligible girls like me, fucking fascinating. And yet at the same time I immediately start feeling bad for them and hoping that they meet someone fast that will love them and marry them. crazy series of fears, resistances, and projections. A psychotic brain if you ask me.
The whole time I am observing this I am taking notes in the restaurant. The Syrian girl is curiously reading my every word, attempting to discover what I am scribbling about. I am sure she has no idea.
Later that night the Syrian girl seduces me. I am serious. I have no attraction to this girl. Some but not a lot. I have never had Syrian before so I tell myself that I should at least attempt to sleep with her if that is what she is aiming at just to rack up another country. Syria is totally uncharted territory to me. so I jump up and look up Syria on msn Encarta world atlas. Wow there it is in the middle of all of these Muslim countries. I ask her to show me exactly where she lives on the map. So there it is. crazy. what the hell is she doing all the way over here in New York? She tells me that she listens to my cds everyday and her favorite song is superhero girl. That it is her song. She then takes off her clothes and tells me to make love to her.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Big birthday party at sushi samba with a bunch of my friends from the city. these were various people I have known throughout my life that have all managed to have moved at some time in the last fifteen years to New York. I could not believe how many good friends I have here. more so than in Miami probably. Interesting omen. A great party. Good food good drinks good presents and good company. Good times.
In the bad news dept the Yankees somehow managed to take a 3 game to 0 lead against the sox and lost the series. New York is in mourning. A bad omen for my move here? nah. Prob not. But how they did that I have no fucking clue.
Hi Juliet,
You came to me in a dream last night. well, better put, we met up in a dream last night, I will scribble madly without editing.
Did you know that today was my birthday? no I'm sure you didn't but it is and last night/this morning I was awoken by the first time you came to me in the dream by how vivid it was. as if we were in another universe. Like the one you had where we were at the university/college campus under the stars... remember?
This was so vivid that I awoke and thought wow this is awesome Juliet is coming for my birthday. we were building a fort together outdoors with my boys in the band. and then we had to do our own radio show. I mean it was like you were right there. it was so real. you have a lot of young boy energy, I assume you can feel that. a lot of tom boy in you. yes? you know, I was always so obsessed with my obsession of you since junior high as the archetypal woman that I never even noticed that before this dream. And then I was looking at you in the dream and I was seeing it and of course now that I am awake I can really see it. a lot of male energy.
We had a lot of fun in the dream and felt a very strong loving trusting vibe to one another. Again, other worldly, magnificent, close, brother/sisterly, completely unconditional and trusting. And we were very happy to be joined up doing our thing there. it was not a lovey dovey sexual kind of thing at all. which of course continues to daunt my weak and feeble mind because that is the only way I seem to be able to relate to girls until after I sleep with them, in which case then I can easily look at them from a friends only perspective. Haha! oh my God did I just write that?! classic. But true most of the time. unless I am not attracted to them. and in this case I cannot even say that I am attracted to Juliet. I just want to sit and stare in her eyes for hours all the time --- those eyes of hers --- it is as if I am peering into the soul of myself or someone very dear to me, like family or something.... and I long to listen to her speak, as strange as that sounds, because she says such amazingly transcendent things; like a guy, I mean, not to be sexist, but she speaks and writes like a guy, like some fifty year old award winning novelist guy; or like you would want a girl to, but have her still stay a girl; there are many so many examples of these julietisms. Once when she compared life to a shot of cognac after a yoga class, and in that moment I wanted to grab her and stare in her eyes for an hour and then make love to her all day and just stare in her eyes and hold her and bond with her and I don't know, just get to know her more and get to know the possibilities of what we could be I guess. I wanted to glance at her from afar glancing at me from afar. And then both of us letting out smiles that we were there, together, lucky to know one another and to appreciate one another for who we were. Things like that.
So I don't know if you can call that attraction. I think it is more like admiration. I even try sometimes to look at her from that perspective. I try to imagine kissing her, caressing her, making love to her... I mean, I'm a guy, I try to look at all women from that perspective. Especially with someone I love as dearly as Juliet. But with her, I cannot. Not really. I guess there is a part of me that feels that it is off limits, one because she has a boyfriend, and two because she has already indicated that it wouldn’t be appropriate, and three because it would be a waste of my time to guide my own mind in that direction if that isn't the direction our relationship is intended to go into. so yes, just us hanging out enjoying being together, like both of us very happy that we happened to be there, in the company of one another in this dream, like so many others. felt cosmic. Very cosmic. Answers? Prob no answer. just is.
In the bad news dept the Yankees somehow managed to take a 3 game to 0 lead against the sox and lost the series. New York is in mourning. A bad omen for my move here? nah. Prob not. But how they did that I have no fucking clue.
Hi Juliet,
You came to me in a dream last night. well, better put, we met up in a dream last night, I will scribble madly without editing.
Did you know that today was my birthday? no I'm sure you didn't but it is and last night/this morning I was awoken by the first time you came to me in the dream by how vivid it was. as if we were in another universe. Like the one you had where we were at the university/college campus under the stars... remember?
This was so vivid that I awoke and thought wow this is awesome Juliet is coming for my birthday. we were building a fort together outdoors with my boys in the band. and then we had to do our own radio show. I mean it was like you were right there. it was so real. you have a lot of young boy energy, I assume you can feel that. a lot of tom boy in you. yes? you know, I was always so obsessed with my obsession of you since junior high as the archetypal woman that I never even noticed that before this dream. And then I was looking at you in the dream and I was seeing it and of course now that I am awake I can really see it. a lot of male energy.
We had a lot of fun in the dream and felt a very strong loving trusting vibe to one another. Again, other worldly, magnificent, close, brother/sisterly, completely unconditional and trusting. And we were very happy to be joined up doing our thing there. it was not a lovey dovey sexual kind of thing at all. which of course continues to daunt my weak and feeble mind because that is the only way I seem to be able to relate to girls until after I sleep with them, in which case then I can easily look at them from a friends only perspective. Haha! oh my God did I just write that?! classic. But true most of the time. unless I am not attracted to them. and in this case I cannot even say that I am attracted to Juliet. I just want to sit and stare in her eyes for hours all the time --- those eyes of hers --- it is as if I am peering into the soul of myself or someone very dear to me, like family or something.... and I long to listen to her speak, as strange as that sounds, because she says such amazingly transcendent things; like a guy, I mean, not to be sexist, but she speaks and writes like a guy, like some fifty year old award winning novelist guy; or like you would want a girl to, but have her still stay a girl; there are many so many examples of these julietisms. Once when she compared life to a shot of cognac after a yoga class, and in that moment I wanted to grab her and stare in her eyes for an hour and then make love to her all day and just stare in her eyes and hold her and bond with her and I don't know, just get to know her more and get to know the possibilities of what we could be I guess. I wanted to glance at her from afar glancing at me from afar. And then both of us letting out smiles that we were there, together, lucky to know one another and to appreciate one another for who we were. Things like that.
So I don't know if you can call that attraction. I think it is more like admiration. I even try sometimes to look at her from that perspective. I try to imagine kissing her, caressing her, making love to her... I mean, I'm a guy, I try to look at all women from that perspective. Especially with someone I love as dearly as Juliet. But with her, I cannot. Not really. I guess there is a part of me that feels that it is off limits, one because she has a boyfriend, and two because she has already indicated that it wouldn’t be appropriate, and three because it would be a waste of my time to guide my own mind in that direction if that isn't the direction our relationship is intended to go into. so yes, just us hanging out enjoying being together, like both of us very happy that we happened to be there, in the company of one another in this dream, like so many others. felt cosmic. Very cosmic. Answers? Prob no answer. just is.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
In a very strange case of strangeness, this girl I know who lives in Syria showed up this morning at my doorstep all the way over here in New York. She rings me up and says I am here in New York. Where do you live? She is staying at my apartment now. more of a fan than a friend but a friend just the same. I couldn’t exactly put her out on the streets or make her go to a hotel. Crazy times. her English is very slight. so I find myself in the strangest of circumstances now. everywhere I go she follows me around. Even around the small apartment. She just follows me everywhere, stands next to me while I am sitting on the phone or on the computer and watches me. If I go to reach to grab something, she tries to get it for me first and hand it to me. Muslim women are very different than American women. One time we were in the subway, and I took my coat off because I was hot, and she reached out her arm to hold my coat for me in the subway station. I was shocked. Totally reverse roles than we have here in the states. I get the idea that the women are treated very subordinately over there. if a chick is grabbing for your coat to hold it for you. I hope I am showing her that we are different over here.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Well we aren't rock and roll icons yet. there is a real major label buzz about the band right now, but word is that even though some of them passionately love our music they have a concern that our lead singer is too old. We told them that I would stand behind the stage and sing and we would put Bloopy who is only 22 years old out in front and let him pretend he is singing. Haha. imagine being at the peak of your career and being told that you are too old at the age of thirty. Fucking crazy. but we are venturing onward. Feeling rightfully so that we are making the best music of our careers.
You see things here...
There was the 45 year old Turkish woman, big breasted, dark eyes, dark hair, smoking a cigarette, who sat down next to me on a bench in front of the CBS building and asked me if I wanted a “massage and some companionship.” We talked some more. I told her no thank you, that I was meeting a friend in a few minutes to play a board game. This was true. But I took her number. Talk about a fantasy she would be. I've never had Turkish. So this is must when I get the time.
The lady all dressed up in black pantsuit swaggering down the sidewalk totally wasted. Like any minute she was going to stumble over and fall face first onto the ground and never wake up. she was mumbling to herself very grumpily. Just totally wasted.
This girl standing on the corner at union square crying, just a little girl, maybe 18, ‘can any of you please spare some loose change. The guys in my band shied away from her but I came up to her and asked her are you having a bad night and she said yes a very bad night. I took out a ten and gave it to her. it was all I had. aren't you broke man my bandmates asked me. I am now I answered. I then hugged her and reminded her to pray to ask God for help and he would help her. it stayed with me all night. the desperation on her face. The pure sadness.
it reminded me of when I was a young struggling artist. Although I was never hooked on any major drugs like she obviously was I was still totally down and out and I know that God has infinite compassion and understanding for whoever we are and where ever we are in our lives. He knows and he accepts and he is always there for us ready to pull us out when we are ready.
The seven year old kid who knocks on our apartment door for a half hour while we are trying to sleep. Finally he just walks in and goes up to the edge of my bed. He wakes me up I swear to go I don't even know this kid and asks me if I play the guitar. I say yes in complete shock. He then asks me if I will teach him guitar. I politely tell him that yes I will but that he will have to wait till we wake up. that musicians sleep very late in the day and that it is better if he doesn’t just walk in to strange apartments like that. crazy. only in New York.
There is the garbage issue here too that is totally out of the twilight zone. Today I received a ticket for improper disposal of my garbage because some garbage cop assumedly found 1 can and two plastic bottles in a clear plastic bag rather than a blue or black bag.
So you can’t throw away cans bottles or plastic or glass or aluminum of any kind. O.k. that's actually cool if you can figure out where to get these special bags from. But you also cannot throw away cardboard boxes either. So my apartment is filling up with them. these big boxes. Because supposedly you have to tear them apart and then flatten them and then tie them up with string or twine whatever the hell that is. and where the hell are we supposed to buy that from.... this place is nuts.
A camera, I need a video camera around me and on me at all times here. the rest of the country will never believe what it is like here. it is a world all its own.
You see things here...
There was the 45 year old Turkish woman, big breasted, dark eyes, dark hair, smoking a cigarette, who sat down next to me on a bench in front of the CBS building and asked me if I wanted a “massage and some companionship.” We talked some more. I told her no thank you, that I was meeting a friend in a few minutes to play a board game. This was true. But I took her number. Talk about a fantasy she would be. I've never had Turkish. So this is must when I get the time.
The lady all dressed up in black pantsuit swaggering down the sidewalk totally wasted. Like any minute she was going to stumble over and fall face first onto the ground and never wake up. she was mumbling to herself very grumpily. Just totally wasted.
This girl standing on the corner at union square crying, just a little girl, maybe 18, ‘can any of you please spare some loose change. The guys in my band shied away from her but I came up to her and asked her are you having a bad night and she said yes a very bad night. I took out a ten and gave it to her. it was all I had. aren't you broke man my bandmates asked me. I am now I answered. I then hugged her and reminded her to pray to ask God for help and he would help her. it stayed with me all night. the desperation on her face. The pure sadness.
it reminded me of when I was a young struggling artist. Although I was never hooked on any major drugs like she obviously was I was still totally down and out and I know that God has infinite compassion and understanding for whoever we are and where ever we are in our lives. He knows and he accepts and he is always there for us ready to pull us out when we are ready.
The seven year old kid who knocks on our apartment door for a half hour while we are trying to sleep. Finally he just walks in and goes up to the edge of my bed. He wakes me up I swear to go I don't even know this kid and asks me if I play the guitar. I say yes in complete shock. He then asks me if I will teach him guitar. I politely tell him that yes I will but that he will have to wait till we wake up. that musicians sleep very late in the day and that it is better if he doesn’t just walk in to strange apartments like that. crazy. only in New York.
There is the garbage issue here too that is totally out of the twilight zone. Today I received a ticket for improper disposal of my garbage because some garbage cop assumedly found 1 can and two plastic bottles in a clear plastic bag rather than a blue or black bag.
So you can’t throw away cans bottles or plastic or glass or aluminum of any kind. O.k. that's actually cool if you can figure out where to get these special bags from. But you also cannot throw away cardboard boxes either. So my apartment is filling up with them. these big boxes. Because supposedly you have to tear them apart and then flatten them and then tie them up with string or twine whatever the hell that is. and where the hell are we supposed to buy that from.... this place is nuts.
A camera, I need a video camera around me and on me at all times here. the rest of the country will never believe what it is like here. it is a world all its own.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
In the subway this evening at about 7 or 8 or so. There were so many people. I couldn’t help but smile at the site of us all trying to squeeze into these tiny trains. I think that if you are already accustomed to it its probably pretty boring, but I still get a kick out of it. it reaffirmed my belief that my passion is people, not nature. I just don't have much of an interest in nature or ecology or things of that nature half as much as I do in us. in who we are and why we are and what we’re doing.
Being back in America now, after living in Miami for almost four years, I notice that my heart feels a certain sense of comfort when I hear people on the street here in nyc speaking Spanish. Gives me a subconscious sense of home somehow. I guess it just reminds me of Miami and everyone I know there. interesting. Now speaking Spanish, which in Miami was obligatory and because of that sometimes a very frustrating pain in the ass, is fun and helps break up the monotony of day to day life here.
I am still in complete shock how often you hear people speaking in other languages here in this city. I am not exaggerating when I say that you hear foreign languages being spoken here on the street and in the various shops and buildings just as often if not more than you hear English being spoken. In the last two weeks I have heard Albanian, Pakistani, Arabian, Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese, Russian, Farsi, various Indian dialects, and numerous others I can’t sound out yet. its really inspiring and cool.
Bad things: my apt is too small and I think I'm going stir crazy. its cold. Its wet. Its always raining. Its crowded. Its noisy. Its expensive. Its hard to get around. But besides that its good here. I keep telling myself that. LOL.
New York weather forecast:
5 DAY FORECAST
Tuesday 54°F (12°C) | 46°F (8°C)
Wednesday 56°F (13°C) | 48°F (9°C)
Thursday 59°F (15°C) | 47°F (8°C)
Friday 57°F (14°C) | 47°F (8°C)
Saturday 57°F (14°C) | 51°F (11°C)
Miami weather forecast:
5 DAY FORECAST
Tuesday 87°F (31°C) | 76°F (24°C)
Wednesday 88°F (31°C) | 74°F (23°C)
Thursday 88°F (31°C) | 71°F (22°C)
Friday 86°F (30°C) | 72°F (22°C)
Saturday 86°F (30°C) | 75°F (24°C)
No wonder my body feels like its freaking out. I think what I am experiencing can best be described as shock! There is one word for this weather of the north. It sucks.
Good things: well this is Manhattan after all. Gotham city. so that's cool. millions of pretty classy girls to look at. And millions of educated well informed cool men to hang out and converse with. Thousands of cool buildings to stare up at and venture into. I get to ear all of my winter clothes that I never got to wear in Florida. Sweaters and scarves and things like that. that's cool.
Also we are in the middle of the pennant race and as always the Yankees are in it. I was raised a Yankees fan since my family was from up here originally. We used to watch the Yankees games on TV with my grandfather all the time growing up and he would tell us all the old stories of their glory days when he was growing up. the New York Yankees were one of the most important things in their lives back then, before TV and movies and Internet and all that. the yanks were it. So actually being a resident here while the Yankees are fighting for it, rather than rooting for them from some other city is a really fulfilling feeling. Like I'm connecting with my grandparents and great grandparents by being here now while they are playing to become the champions.
I think the old lyric “if I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere...” rings pretty true.
Strange signs of the times. things are changing? In two unrelated but significantly similar instances both this week. American soldiers fighting in Iraq refused to follow orders to drive a truck down a certain road which is grounds for court marshal but the whole squadron just refused to follow the orders because they said there was no frontline to protect them, and that the truck was not properly maintained nor was it properly armored.
And then last night a young boy in Russia shot and killed both of his parents because his father gave him a beating after school on Monday for receiving low grades. Crazy.
Current read: the alchemist. I love this book, as so many people do. the soul of the world, the language of the universe, your personal legend. The book is very simple. The little prince meets sidartha. But it is very special and every night you look forward to reading it. this is a must read. this is kind of book you want to read again as soon as you finish it just so you can stay in the world of it.
Being back in America now, after living in Miami for almost four years, I notice that my heart feels a certain sense of comfort when I hear people on the street here in nyc speaking Spanish. Gives me a subconscious sense of home somehow. I guess it just reminds me of Miami and everyone I know there. interesting. Now speaking Spanish, which in Miami was obligatory and because of that sometimes a very frustrating pain in the ass, is fun and helps break up the monotony of day to day life here.
I am still in complete shock how often you hear people speaking in other languages here in this city. I am not exaggerating when I say that you hear foreign languages being spoken here on the street and in the various shops and buildings just as often if not more than you hear English being spoken. In the last two weeks I have heard Albanian, Pakistani, Arabian, Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese, Russian, Farsi, various Indian dialects, and numerous others I can’t sound out yet. its really inspiring and cool.
Bad things: my apt is too small and I think I'm going stir crazy. its cold. Its wet. Its always raining. Its crowded. Its noisy. Its expensive. Its hard to get around. But besides that its good here. I keep telling myself that. LOL.
New York weather forecast:
5 DAY FORECAST
Tuesday 54°F (12°C) | 46°F (8°C)
Wednesday 56°F (13°C) | 48°F (9°C)
Thursday 59°F (15°C) | 47°F (8°C)
Friday 57°F (14°C) | 47°F (8°C)
Saturday 57°F (14°C) | 51°F (11°C)
Miami weather forecast:
5 DAY FORECAST
Tuesday 87°F (31°C) | 76°F (24°C)
Wednesday 88°F (31°C) | 74°F (23°C)
Thursday 88°F (31°C) | 71°F (22°C)
Friday 86°F (30°C) | 72°F (22°C)
Saturday 86°F (30°C) | 75°F (24°C)
No wonder my body feels like its freaking out. I think what I am experiencing can best be described as shock! There is one word for this weather of the north. It sucks.
Good things: well this is Manhattan after all. Gotham city. so that's cool. millions of pretty classy girls to look at. And millions of educated well informed cool men to hang out and converse with. Thousands of cool buildings to stare up at and venture into. I get to ear all of my winter clothes that I never got to wear in Florida. Sweaters and scarves and things like that. that's cool.
Also we are in the middle of the pennant race and as always the Yankees are in it. I was raised a Yankees fan since my family was from up here originally. We used to watch the Yankees games on TV with my grandfather all the time growing up and he would tell us all the old stories of their glory days when he was growing up. the New York Yankees were one of the most important things in their lives back then, before TV and movies and Internet and all that. the yanks were it. So actually being a resident here while the Yankees are fighting for it, rather than rooting for them from some other city is a really fulfilling feeling. Like I'm connecting with my grandparents and great grandparents by being here now while they are playing to become the champions.
I think the old lyric “if I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere...” rings pretty true.
Strange signs of the times. things are changing? In two unrelated but significantly similar instances both this week. American soldiers fighting in Iraq refused to follow orders to drive a truck down a certain road which is grounds for court marshal but the whole squadron just refused to follow the orders because they said there was no frontline to protect them, and that the truck was not properly maintained nor was it properly armored.
And then last night a young boy in Russia shot and killed both of his parents because his father gave him a beating after school on Monday for receiving low grades. Crazy.
Current read: the alchemist. I love this book, as so many people do. the soul of the world, the language of the universe, your personal legend. The book is very simple. The little prince meets sidartha. But it is very special and every night you look forward to reading it. this is a must read. this is kind of book you want to read again as soon as you finish it just so you can stay in the world of it.
Friday, October 15, 2004
Well well well. starting to get to know Manhattan now. seeing the other side of it. its not all a bed of roses here. [you know that phrase is a misnomer really – I mean, what would be so good about a bed of roses? Maybe they meant bed of rose petals. But a bed of roses? With all those thorns? Sounds painful to me.] perhaps New York is a bed of roses after all. there is real beauty here and more inspiration both intellectually and artistically than I would ever hope for in one place.
But there is also the other side to is as well. the whole lower half of the island is quite dirty and seedy. There is graffiti everywhere. and the streets get all cockeyed and confused and broken up. there is the aspect of having to walk everywhere in the freezing cold that truly sucks. Or you have to go down and catch a subway and stand in these crazy ass lines and wait a long time and ride in these train cars packed like a sardine with thousands of other people. nothing fun about that. but somehow I find it fun.
I think that at a different income level New York would be everything that a person would want it to be. once you get to a six digit income then I think it would be just grand, once you can afford your own driver really. That's what you need really. That would be the first thing to word toward. For me anyway. My own driver. Getting around here at this income level just really sucks if you are not from here and are not accustomed to it. honestly, and with all due respect towards native new Yorkers, walking around like this and taking the subway everywhere just really sucks and is very inconvenient if you are used to just getting in your car and driving where ever you want to go.
[speaking of being accustomed to something, I recently contemplated the difference between the English phrases of “I am used to it” versus “I am accustomed to it.” we use the phrases interchangeably don't we? But they don't really mean the same thing literally when you think about it. Even though we intend the same idea at this point in their usage. But their original derivation is quite dissimilar when you stop and think about it. ‘I am used to it’ would mean more that ‘we’ are ‘used’ to ‘it,’ that ‘it’ is somehow tired of ‘us,’ that we are no longer ‘new’ to it. Now seeing that most of the time the ‘it’ we are referring to is most likely an inanimate object, if we really wanted to say ‘I’ am accustomed to ‘something,’ then we should really be saying ‘it’ is ‘used’ to ‘me,’ rather than ‘I am used to it.’ Just an observation.]
The other day I went to the local smoke shop to sit and have smoke with all the other guys from around town. it is quite the scene here in the city. a very special scene, one that I had dreamed of my whole life. and it really does exist. You just buy your favorite smoke and sit down in this lounge area with a bunch of other guys smoking a cigar or pipe and talk about politics or sports or finances or stocks or the latest issues of the day. you end up hanging with all these Harvard business school graduates, and ceos of major companies like office depot and even the mayor will stop in and sit to have a smoke and a talk.
Being in a band, living eating sleeping breathing in the world of rock and roll, all you ever talk about is music and sex and pop culture. So the older crowd more mainstream crowd is important for me to get away to. there are only so many dick jokes you can hear in one day. and that's what being in a rock band is all about. talking about music or girls and lots of dick jokes and gay jokes. Its fun, but you know, it can get tiresome.
So I tend to need to sneak away to a more refined and intellectual scene now and then. Get into a different crowd altogether. And there is no place like a cigar shop to do this. these men are puffing away on cigars that cost at a minimum of ten to twenty dollars a pop. So they are well to do and already quite made. so they have a lot of time on their hands so they tend to study a lot and be well educated. You can learn a lot in a cigar shop. And make a lot of good connections.
We spent a whole evening watching jeopardy. If you can imagine. Everyone shouting out the answers to the questions. Or rather, the questions to the answers. And I must say I was in heaven. So there is intelligent life in the universe after all. I just needed to get to New York to find it.
But there is also the other side to is as well. the whole lower half of the island is quite dirty and seedy. There is graffiti everywhere. and the streets get all cockeyed and confused and broken up. there is the aspect of having to walk everywhere in the freezing cold that truly sucks. Or you have to go down and catch a subway and stand in these crazy ass lines and wait a long time and ride in these train cars packed like a sardine with thousands of other people. nothing fun about that. but somehow I find it fun.
I think that at a different income level New York would be everything that a person would want it to be. once you get to a six digit income then I think it would be just grand, once you can afford your own driver really. That's what you need really. That would be the first thing to word toward. For me anyway. My own driver. Getting around here at this income level just really sucks if you are not from here and are not accustomed to it. honestly, and with all due respect towards native new Yorkers, walking around like this and taking the subway everywhere just really sucks and is very inconvenient if you are used to just getting in your car and driving where ever you want to go.
[speaking of being accustomed to something, I recently contemplated the difference between the English phrases of “I am used to it” versus “I am accustomed to it.” we use the phrases interchangeably don't we? But they don't really mean the same thing literally when you think about it. Even though we intend the same idea at this point in their usage. But their original derivation is quite dissimilar when you stop and think about it. ‘I am used to it’ would mean more that ‘we’ are ‘used’ to ‘it,’ that ‘it’ is somehow tired of ‘us,’ that we are no longer ‘new’ to it. Now seeing that most of the time the ‘it’ we are referring to is most likely an inanimate object, if we really wanted to say ‘I’ am accustomed to ‘something,’ then we should really be saying ‘it’ is ‘used’ to ‘me,’ rather than ‘I am used to it.’ Just an observation.]
The other day I went to the local smoke shop to sit and have smoke with all the other guys from around town. it is quite the scene here in the city. a very special scene, one that I had dreamed of my whole life. and it really does exist. You just buy your favorite smoke and sit down in this lounge area with a bunch of other guys smoking a cigar or pipe and talk about politics or sports or finances or stocks or the latest issues of the day. you end up hanging with all these Harvard business school graduates, and ceos of major companies like office depot and even the mayor will stop in and sit to have a smoke and a talk.
Being in a band, living eating sleeping breathing in the world of rock and roll, all you ever talk about is music and sex and pop culture. So the older crowd more mainstream crowd is important for me to get away to. there are only so many dick jokes you can hear in one day. and that's what being in a rock band is all about. talking about music or girls and lots of dick jokes and gay jokes. Its fun, but you know, it can get tiresome.
So I tend to need to sneak away to a more refined and intellectual scene now and then. Get into a different crowd altogether. And there is no place like a cigar shop to do this. these men are puffing away on cigars that cost at a minimum of ten to twenty dollars a pop. So they are well to do and already quite made. so they have a lot of time on their hands so they tend to study a lot and be well educated. You can learn a lot in a cigar shop. And make a lot of good connections.
We spent a whole evening watching jeopardy. If you can imagine. Everyone shouting out the answers to the questions. Or rather, the questions to the answers. And I must say I was in heaven. So there is intelligent life in the universe after all. I just needed to get to New York to find it.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
The whole band is in town rehearsing for our shows this weekend. Lots of different meetings last few nights. Made some time to watch the debates right in the middle of one meeting with one management team. They were in shock as I flipped on the TV right in the middle of the meeting so I could watch the debates. I just turned the volume way up and got really absorbed into it while everyone played name their favorite band while they waited for me. I think that they all think that I am insane. but I wasn't going to miss it.
So the entire country watched John Kerry wipe the floor with a very nervous and fidgety George w. bush. At times it almost appeared that bush was so scared or frustrated with his own performance and lack of information and knowledge that he wanted to walk off the stage. I don't think we have ever had a president so unfit for the job. None perhaps besides Ford of course, who never wanted to be president in the first place and just ended up there by some crazy twist of unfortunate luck. But boy Bush was just really off last night and Kerry of course was better than ever. I felt proud watching him and listening to him last night at the thought he may eventually be our president. But at heart I am pretty much a blind idealist so I wouldn’t take my admiration of the man too seriously. not even I do. I felt the same way about Clinton/gore in 92 as a kid, and we all know how they turned out. I'm not saying it was all bad ---the nineties were a pretty wonderful time for us in American, but that administration had its fair share of problems, that's for sure.
I know some people don't agree with me, but that's cool. I respect that. I always bounce back and forth in elections. Never take the repub or the democrat side a hundred percent of the time. just depends on the year and the candidate and the issues that are most important for the country that year. this year its Kerry and the dems. Maybe in four years it will be the other side or a whole different party. Just have to wait and see.
I was amazed to learn that we’re in the middle of a dead heat right now, which I think is truly amazing because I really can’t imagine anyone voting for bush after seeing him in these last three debates. I wouldn’t vote for him for president of any of my own little companies, let alone the biggest most powerful country in the known universe. I honestly can’t figure out what people are thinking when they see him speak and still want to vote for him for anything. But that's just me.
Although if you take a look at the map of the United States and how we voted in the year 2000, it is actually quite telling. It is divided between the blue democratic states and the red republican states. what you notice is that all the big city states like New York and la and Boston and phili and Chicago and Seattle voted democrat. And so did all the cool states like new Mexico and Wisconsin and Oregon and of course the predominantly upper class New England states. but then the majority of the states actually, all the small town American states, the rural states and farming states and southern states, what we city folk call the scary places in America all voted republican. telling indeed.
I guess its easier to sell “values” as a word or a concept rather than a real tangible thing we can put into action to these states. they can lose their jobs and income and health care and education and even lose their loved ones in misleading wars and still be sold “values” as a concept, rather than just voting for real values. It’s a phenomenon of the frailty of the human mind really.
And this whole thing about the word liberal being a bad word to these people is hilarious our country was founded on the idea of liberty. And we have worked our asses off at defining and defending those liberties. Why the hell would liberal be a bad word? My brother and his wife voted for W in 2000 for no other reason than the abortion issue. I respected that. but they sure have changed their tune in the last four years. I think a lot of people have. but if these crazies somehow find a way to get W back in office for another four years and things keep going the way they are going for this country for another four years, God help us all, I think the whole damn country is just going to go berserk on the guy and mutiny. There's only so far the values card can be played before even the simplest minds begin to get the real picture.
Anyway, enough of that. Beaver is going crazy. being promoted again at his big oil company. Something has shifted in him now. he realizes that he is wasting his life by not being in a job that is more focused on helping people. so mom just left me and flew home and now she is headed back out on a flight tonight to be with Beav and his family. I'll tell you, we are the luckiest guys in the world to have the mom that we do. she is just so there for us in her role as mother. Its so inspiring. She just says hang on I'll be there in five hours and hops on a plane to come be by our side and help us. she's always been that way since we we’re little kids. God bless her a hundred times a day please.
We have a real chance that our next election will be a tie and no man will win the majority of votes needed to win the white house. so I did some research to see what would happen. google it. its fascinating stuff:
How the Electoral College works
(CNN) -- The 2000 election was the fourth time the Electoral College selected a candidate other than the one who won the popular vote.
So do we the people really elect the president and vice president? Technically, we don't. Presidents are elected by the states and the District of Columbia, not by a national tally of voters. When you vote, you cast your ballot for electors who will vote for a candidate they are politically aligned with.
Most of the time, that means the candidate who wins the popular vote also wins the Electoral College vote.
There are 538 Electoral College voters, one per senator and representative from each state. The District of Columbia, which has no congressional representation, has three votes - the minimum.
California has 55 votes, while Texas (34) and New York (31) have the second and third most, respectively. Besides D.C., seven states have three votes.
So the entire country watched John Kerry wipe the floor with a very nervous and fidgety George w. bush. At times it almost appeared that bush was so scared or frustrated with his own performance and lack of information and knowledge that he wanted to walk off the stage. I don't think we have ever had a president so unfit for the job. None perhaps besides Ford of course, who never wanted to be president in the first place and just ended up there by some crazy twist of unfortunate luck. But boy Bush was just really off last night and Kerry of course was better than ever. I felt proud watching him and listening to him last night at the thought he may eventually be our president. But at heart I am pretty much a blind idealist so I wouldn’t take my admiration of the man too seriously. not even I do. I felt the same way about Clinton/gore in 92 as a kid, and we all know how they turned out. I'm not saying it was all bad ---the nineties were a pretty wonderful time for us in American, but that administration had its fair share of problems, that's for sure.
I know some people don't agree with me, but that's cool. I respect that. I always bounce back and forth in elections. Never take the repub or the democrat side a hundred percent of the time. just depends on the year and the candidate and the issues that are most important for the country that year. this year its Kerry and the dems. Maybe in four years it will be the other side or a whole different party. Just have to wait and see.
I was amazed to learn that we’re in the middle of a dead heat right now, which I think is truly amazing because I really can’t imagine anyone voting for bush after seeing him in these last three debates. I wouldn’t vote for him for president of any of my own little companies, let alone the biggest most powerful country in the known universe. I honestly can’t figure out what people are thinking when they see him speak and still want to vote for him for anything. But that's just me.
Although if you take a look at the map of the United States and how we voted in the year 2000, it is actually quite telling. It is divided between the blue democratic states and the red republican states. what you notice is that all the big city states like New York and la and Boston and phili and Chicago and Seattle voted democrat. And so did all the cool states like new Mexico and Wisconsin and Oregon and of course the predominantly upper class New England states. but then the majority of the states actually, all the small town American states, the rural states and farming states and southern states, what we city folk call the scary places in America all voted republican. telling indeed.
I guess its easier to sell “values” as a word or a concept rather than a real tangible thing we can put into action to these states. they can lose their jobs and income and health care and education and even lose their loved ones in misleading wars and still be sold “values” as a concept, rather than just voting for real values. It’s a phenomenon of the frailty of the human mind really.
And this whole thing about the word liberal being a bad word to these people is hilarious our country was founded on the idea of liberty. And we have worked our asses off at defining and defending those liberties. Why the hell would liberal be a bad word? My brother and his wife voted for W in 2000 for no other reason than the abortion issue. I respected that. but they sure have changed their tune in the last four years. I think a lot of people have. but if these crazies somehow find a way to get W back in office for another four years and things keep going the way they are going for this country for another four years, God help us all, I think the whole damn country is just going to go berserk on the guy and mutiny. There's only so far the values card can be played before even the simplest minds begin to get the real picture.
Anyway, enough of that. Beaver is going crazy. being promoted again at his big oil company. Something has shifted in him now. he realizes that he is wasting his life by not being in a job that is more focused on helping people. so mom just left me and flew home and now she is headed back out on a flight tonight to be with Beav and his family. I'll tell you, we are the luckiest guys in the world to have the mom that we do. she is just so there for us in her role as mother. Its so inspiring. She just says hang on I'll be there in five hours and hops on a plane to come be by our side and help us. she's always been that way since we we’re little kids. God bless her a hundred times a day please.
We have a real chance that our next election will be a tie and no man will win the majority of votes needed to win the white house. so I did some research to see what would happen. google it. its fascinating stuff:
How the Electoral College works
(CNN) -- The 2000 election was the fourth time the Electoral College selected a candidate other than the one who won the popular vote.
So do we the people really elect the president and vice president? Technically, we don't. Presidents are elected by the states and the District of Columbia, not by a national tally of voters. When you vote, you cast your ballot for electors who will vote for a candidate they are politically aligned with.
Most of the time, that means the candidate who wins the popular vote also wins the Electoral College vote.
There are 538 Electoral College voters, one per senator and representative from each state. The District of Columbia, which has no congressional representation, has three votes - the minimum.
California has 55 votes, while Texas (34) and New York (31) have the second and third most, respectively. Besides D.C., seven states have three votes.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
O.k. so check it out. I just woke up. the guys are on a big plane on their way in. we are headlining the Friday night at acme underground for CMJ music marathon. We will be showcasing for 11, count them, 11 different label reps are coming in just to see us. Tovar is already here in the city meeting with them. and we are going to spend the next two days rehearsing our butts off.
If we are good and we kick ass, we have a chance. If we suck, well I guess we will just always .... be a little unknown band... SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this is a big three days for us coming up.
Wish us luck.
Last screening: cat Stevens Majikat concert from 1976. really really good. but man what happened to the Cat? He went Muslim on us and it doesn’t look like he is turning back anytime soon.
In this movie what the bleep do we know? this man comments that the most audacious thing we can do spiritually is to define this amazingly grand and powerful concept of God in our own image, as so many of mankind’s current antiquated religions still do. hey man you don't have to tell me that. I've been thinking that since I was a little kid. I just never understood that whole lets box God in our own image thing that most people are so willing to do. I always just assumed that everyone me was crazy or worse that maybe it was just me. like I was an alien from a more enlightened planet or something.
there is this funny vision I have sometimes of what life must seem like for the humans when you are an alien who wakes up one day and realizes that they're all playing football with these sticks of dynamite. And you ask them ‘hey aren't you all worried that you're playing ball with this dynamite?’ and they're all like ‘oh no we’re not worried because the dynamite is our friend and its perfectly safe and we love the dynamite...’ and you're like ‘well on my planet dynamite is dangerous and it could explode at any minute and kill you all. and the humans are like ‘well we are safe with the dynamite.’ ‘well how do you know this?’ ‘because it is written in our holy books. Everyone knows it. that's just the way it is.’ And then you look at what they refer to as their holy books and its just all this crazy writing through the years all hodgepodge and collected over years and years with not a lot of sense. Some good some bad and a lot of confusing contradictions and non sequitors. You read how sometimes dynamite is a great thing and how people have loved the game of tossing it about for centuries, and other times dynamite is very dangerous and whole towns have been destroyed by it and yet the humans still persist in playing with it.. You can try to talk sense into them but they still continue to play with the dynamite and one day a big group of them blows up from the dynamite and then you question them about that and they reply that ‘it was the will of the dynamite. That's just the way it is. the dynamite knows what is best.’
You feel sad for them and you realize that you may not be able to help them because this whole dynamite throwing game is just really big in their lives. they're just going to keep playing with the dynamite and writing books about the dynamite and when bad things happen because of the dynamite they are just going to find a way to rationalize it. somehow, for some reason, they are addicted to it and will find any rational to justify the game, good or bad. If you really are an alien you may just want to head back to your own planet and leave the humans to their own devices till they smarten up a bit. But if you are from here on planet earth you have to find a way to deal with it. hope no one throws you any live sticks of dynamite with a big smile and tells you it can save your soul or something. just stay away from large open fields I guess.
But its not so bad anymore. People are coming around now. real spirituality is starting to slowly replace mans old dogma. I mean, we are at the place now where as a species we are trying to find a balance between the impractical and illogical dogma of mans old religions and the mysterious but innate spirituality that we all feel called to inside. We’re not there yet, but we’re getting there. God’s speed to all of us.
Current spin: raspberries first two albums. Really great old power pop on these records.
If we are good and we kick ass, we have a chance. If we suck, well I guess we will just always .... be a little unknown band... SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this is a big three days for us coming up.
Wish us luck.
Last screening: cat Stevens Majikat concert from 1976. really really good. but man what happened to the Cat? He went Muslim on us and it doesn’t look like he is turning back anytime soon.
In this movie what the bleep do we know? this man comments that the most audacious thing we can do spiritually is to define this amazingly grand and powerful concept of God in our own image, as so many of mankind’s current antiquated religions still do. hey man you don't have to tell me that. I've been thinking that since I was a little kid. I just never understood that whole lets box God in our own image thing that most people are so willing to do. I always just assumed that everyone me was crazy or worse that maybe it was just me. like I was an alien from a more enlightened planet or something.
there is this funny vision I have sometimes of what life must seem like for the humans when you are an alien who wakes up one day and realizes that they're all playing football with these sticks of dynamite. And you ask them ‘hey aren't you all worried that you're playing ball with this dynamite?’ and they're all like ‘oh no we’re not worried because the dynamite is our friend and its perfectly safe and we love the dynamite...’ and you're like ‘well on my planet dynamite is dangerous and it could explode at any minute and kill you all. and the humans are like ‘well we are safe with the dynamite.’ ‘well how do you know this?’ ‘because it is written in our holy books. Everyone knows it. that's just the way it is.’ And then you look at what they refer to as their holy books and its just all this crazy writing through the years all hodgepodge and collected over years and years with not a lot of sense. Some good some bad and a lot of confusing contradictions and non sequitors. You read how sometimes dynamite is a great thing and how people have loved the game of tossing it about for centuries, and other times dynamite is very dangerous and whole towns have been destroyed by it and yet the humans still persist in playing with it.. You can try to talk sense into them but they still continue to play with the dynamite and one day a big group of them blows up from the dynamite and then you question them about that and they reply that ‘it was the will of the dynamite. That's just the way it is. the dynamite knows what is best.’
You feel sad for them and you realize that you may not be able to help them because this whole dynamite throwing game is just really big in their lives. they're just going to keep playing with the dynamite and writing books about the dynamite and when bad things happen because of the dynamite they are just going to find a way to rationalize it. somehow, for some reason, they are addicted to it and will find any rational to justify the game, good or bad. If you really are an alien you may just want to head back to your own planet and leave the humans to their own devices till they smarten up a bit. But if you are from here on planet earth you have to find a way to deal with it. hope no one throws you any live sticks of dynamite with a big smile and tells you it can save your soul or something. just stay away from large open fields I guess.
But its not so bad anymore. People are coming around now. real spirituality is starting to slowly replace mans old dogma. I mean, we are at the place now where as a species we are trying to find a balance between the impractical and illogical dogma of mans old religions and the mysterious but innate spirituality that we all feel called to inside. We’re not there yet, but we’re getting there. God’s speed to all of us.
Current spin: raspberries first two albums. Really great old power pop on these records.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Where to begin. Dear Juliet I dedicate this one to you. though you will never read it. Juliet does send me one of her brilliant yet brief epitaphs, something about whispering into my ear in the early morning hours before dawn that I have secret lover for all time that I can always run into the warm and welcoming arms of. I take it to be her regardless of whether that was the intention of her message or not. I am madly in love with the potential of Juliet and do not feel threatened by it at all because we are separated by well over three thousand miles and entirely different lifestyles. So it is indeed a secret love that can never sour as long as we never take any further than where it is now. perfect. pure.
The poet, our drummer of course, came into town tonight. the first of the guys. tomorrow morning the rest of the guys pull in. we go to the apocalypse lounge to meet some of his friends. East village. Walking around that I feel down there as though any minute you are three yards from an impending drug deal going down from all sides. A grungy area that when I was a younger man I cherished, and now feel more comfortable admiring from afar. Perhaps, I remark to the poet, that as you become older you simply become more uptown, and that's just the way it is. regardless of the plausibility of my words ever ringing true enough to become prophecy, it has certainly happened for me. I couldn’t feel more comfortable on the upper east side, even though I couldn’t look more east village if I tried. This is the dichotomy of character that I have lived with all of my life. but now I am very comfortable in it.
If you are a person who drives, as most of us are here in America, you know that homey comfort you get from getting inside your car. especially if you have a car you really like. It becomes a part of you. and when you are inside of it you feel as though you are in your second home, your home away from home. in New York you don't have that because you don't have a car in New York. Some people I hear, but most don't. you don't drive anywhere but instead you just walk or take a cab or take the subway everywhere.
The poet, our drummer of course, came into town tonight. the first of the guys. tomorrow morning the rest of the guys pull in. we go to the apocalypse lounge to meet some of his friends. East village. Walking around that I feel down there as though any minute you are three yards from an impending drug deal going down from all sides. A grungy area that when I was a younger man I cherished, and now feel more comfortable admiring from afar. Perhaps, I remark to the poet, that as you become older you simply become more uptown, and that's just the way it is. regardless of the plausibility of my words ever ringing true enough to become prophecy, it has certainly happened for me. I couldn’t feel more comfortable on the upper east side, even though I couldn’t look more east village if I tried. This is the dichotomy of character that I have lived with all of my life. but now I am very comfortable in it.
If you are a person who drives, as most of us are here in America, you know that homey comfort you get from getting inside your car. especially if you have a car you really like. It becomes a part of you. and when you are inside of it you feel as though you are in your second home, your home away from home. in New York you don't have that because you don't have a car in New York. Some people I hear, but most don't. you don't drive anywhere but instead you just walk or take a cab or take the subway everywhere.
Where to begin. Dear Juliet I dedicate this one to you. though you will never read it. Juliet does send me one of her brilliant yet brief epitaphs, something about whispering into my ear in the early morning hours before dawn that I have secret lover for all time that I can always run into the warm and welcoming arms of. I take it to be her regardless of whether that was the intention of her message or not. I am madly in love with the potential of Juliet and do not feel threatened by it at all because we are separated by well over three thousand miles and entirely different lifestyles. So it is indeed a secret love that can never sour as long as we never take any further than where it is now. perfect. pure.
The poet, our drummer of course, came into town tonight. the first of the guys. tomorrow morning the rest of the guys pull in. we go to the apocalypse lounge to meet some of his friends. East village. Walking around that I feel down there as though any minute you are three yards from an impending drug deal going down from all sides. A grungy area that when I was a younger man I cherished, and now feel more comfortable admiring from afar. Perhaps, I remark to the poet, that as you become older you simply become more uptown, and that's just the way it is. regardless of the plausibility of my words ever ringing true enough to become prophecy, it has certainly happened for me. I couldn’t feel more comfortable on the upper east side, even though I couldn’t look more east village if I tried. This is the dichotomy of character that I have lived with all of my life. but now I am very comfortable in it.
If you are a person who drives, as most of us are here in America, you know that homey comfort you get from getting inside your car. especially if you have a car you really like. It becomes a part of you. and when you are inside of it you feel as though you are in your second home, your home away from home. in New York you don't have that because you don't have a car in New York. Some people I hear, but most don't. you don't drive anywhere but instead you just walk or take a cab or take the subway everywhere.
The poet, our drummer of course, came into town tonight. the first of the guys. tomorrow morning the rest of the guys pull in. we go to the apocalypse lounge to meet some of his friends. East village. Walking around that I feel down there as though any minute you are three yards from an impending drug deal going down from all sides. A grungy area that when I was a younger man I cherished, and now feel more comfortable admiring from afar. Perhaps, I remark to the poet, that as you become older you simply become more uptown, and that's just the way it is. regardless of the plausibility of my words ever ringing true enough to become prophecy, it has certainly happened for me. I couldn’t feel more comfortable on the upper east side, even though I couldn’t look more east village if I tried. This is the dichotomy of character that I have lived with all of my life. but now I am very comfortable in it.
If you are a person who drives, as most of us are here in America, you know that homey comfort you get from getting inside your car. especially if you have a car you really like. It becomes a part of you. and when you are inside of it you feel as though you are in your second home, your home away from home. in New York you don't have that because you don't have a car in New York. Some people I hear, but most don't. you don't drive anywhere but instead you just walk or take a cab or take the subway everywhere.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Dinner with the Italian stallion last night. she looked as always ravishing. I could have eaten her up for dinner and had nothing else and been entirely satiated. She is perfect in many ways.
mom left. She cried. what a pleasure it was to spend time with her. what a gift a mother is. the older I get the more I come to realize how lucky we are to have moms, for those of us who are that lucky. there is nothing like the love of a mother for her children. They say its hormonal for them. but I dare say that there's got to be more to it than just hormones. Mom is an angel and really helped me settle in to my new home nicely.
Current read: the alchemist. A nice little inspiring read. he has sold more than fifty million books in total. Good times. also checking out this book called mentored by a millionaire. Trite for the most part, but subtle changes can be had by scanning the pages within.
Cool story here about the underground parties in Paris’ subways:
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=572&ncid=572&e=1&u=/nm/20041009/lf_nm/france_cataphiles_dc
mom left. She cried. what a pleasure it was to spend time with her. what a gift a mother is. the older I get the more I come to realize how lucky we are to have moms, for those of us who are that lucky. there is nothing like the love of a mother for her children. They say its hormonal for them. but I dare say that there's got to be more to it than just hormones. Mom is an angel and really helped me settle in to my new home nicely.
Current read: the alchemist. A nice little inspiring read. he has sold more than fifty million books in total. Good times. also checking out this book called mentored by a millionaire. Trite for the most part, but subtle changes can be had by scanning the pages within.
Cool story here about the underground parties in Paris’ subways:
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=572&ncid=572&e=1&u=/nm/20041009/lf_nm/france_cataphiles_dc
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Today we walked in central park and I happened to come upon this big sign that showed where we were and all the other little areas of the park and what goes on in each area. It showed this one pond area where “children ice skate each winter” and that's when it occurred to me where I actually was. what an entirely different world it is indeed to live in the north than in the South. When you live in the Southern states of America you only see that kind of thing on TV or in the movies so it is all very unreal. Seems like a totally different world. not of our known universe. And yet even if you go skiing or snowboarding every year, you still don't feel connected to it. but then you get here and you begin to realize that it is after all real. People do ice skate every year in their own backyard. Wow.
*** it is not the best city in the world to be fair to other cities, but I would say that in all fairness it may be the best place in the world. something like that.
Last screening: what the bleep do we know? good film. all should see it. doesn’t say much new if you are already a new-ager or into quantum physics. but you will still enjoy it. just being among like-minds for a short time will give much comfort.
By the way, Christopher reeves died today. I am writing it, but I cannot believe it. now I fear for the worst. I had just always envisioned that in the next couple of years that we would all wake up one day and discover that Chris was up and walking on his own. That was the great promise of the superman. THAT WAS the dream. But that dream is lost now. seems like a bad omen.
Last night I dreamed that I had killed a few people. the agony over it, the irreversible guilt and agony was miserable to bear. You wouldn’t imagine. An intense secret that weighed very heavy. Constantly trying to hide from everyone that I came into contact with.
*** it is not the best city in the world to be fair to other cities, but I would say that in all fairness it may be the best place in the world. something like that.
Last screening: what the bleep do we know? good film. all should see it. doesn’t say much new if you are already a new-ager or into quantum physics. but you will still enjoy it. just being among like-minds for a short time will give much comfort.
By the way, Christopher reeves died today. I am writing it, but I cannot believe it. now I fear for the worst. I had just always envisioned that in the next couple of years that we would all wake up one day and discover that Chris was up and walking on his own. That was the great promise of the superman. THAT WAS the dream. But that dream is lost now. seems like a bad omen.
Last night I dreamed that I had killed a few people. the agony over it, the irreversible guilt and agony was miserable to bear. You wouldn’t imagine. An intense secret that weighed very heavy. Constantly trying to hide from everyone that I came into contact with.
Saturday, October 09, 2004
Working on fears. Fears. Oh boy. Just the mention of the word can bring fear up for some of us. anyway, lately I've been noticing that I've been pretty much living in a constant state of fear. Now that's something pretty different for me I must admit. For most of my life I have lived in a state that may best be described as ‘insane and blind ambition and enthusiasm.’ Fear never had a place. or perhaps, I never had a place for fear. But lately its been different than that. the thing about fear is that it creeps up on you. so you never know its coming and you may not even recognize that you're living with so much of it inside you.
Very important to use whatever tools you have available, whether they be Avatar or Anthony Robbins or visualization or meditation or what have you, to get rid of it. but again, the key is in recognizing that you are living in a state of fear. Then the easy part is to discreate it.
We have come so far as a species now. we have so many tools available to us now to improve ourselves. There really is no excuse to not be living the life of our dreams.
So cold in New York now that when I am outside writing that I cannot get the cursor to move on my laptop’s touchpad because my fingers are so cold. The touchpad works by heat from your fingers. My fingers must be too freezing. Now that's cold.
Very important to use whatever tools you have available, whether they be Avatar or Anthony Robbins or visualization or meditation or what have you, to get rid of it. but again, the key is in recognizing that you are living in a state of fear. Then the easy part is to discreate it.
We have come so far as a species now. we have so many tools available to us now to improve ourselves. There really is no excuse to not be living the life of our dreams.
So cold in New York now that when I am outside writing that I cannot get the cursor to move on my laptop’s touchpad because my fingers are so cold. The touchpad works by heat from your fingers. My fingers must be too freezing. Now that's cold.
Friday, October 08, 2004
I heard someone say recently down in Miami that they didn't like New York because New York was too dirty. Now the rest of us laughed because as most people know, New York is not dirty. She either is going on information from twenty years ago, or just doesn’t dig New York and is grasping at straws to try to cut it down to size. After all, New York is a goliath to contend with on any level. Saying i don't like New York because New York is too dirty is like saying I'm not going to sail too far out because the earth is flat and we might fall off. It's old news and it makes you sound like a cretin.
In fact, and this is the true nature of why I am writing, New York is such a beautiful happy go lucky and joyous city, (o.k. so forget the noise, the cold, the crowds, the lines, the traffic, the piles of garbage everywhere, and how expensive it is...) that you may even find yourself picking up litter off of the street. You almost notice yourself feeling a kind of motherly protectionist feeling about the city. say what you will, it may be for you and it may not be for you, but its one of those places that if it is for you, people just worship it. New York is something sacred and holy to people, both residents and visitors alike. Even to people who have never been to New York but who just honor it or are fascinated by it from afar, from books or movies, find a certain sense of awe or inspiration from the great city. a certain pride that New York is an American city. its our city. We’re lucky in that. its our greatest achievement.
And this is the nature of my thoughts this evening as I noticed that I was picking up all of the used matches from the stairs I was sitting on so as not to litter. I noticed how careful people are to pick up after themselves, how much money has been spent over the years on the city’s streets and infrastructure and buildings... but I reflected back on a time when it wasn't like that. back in the seventies when New York the city filed for bankruptcy and had to beg president ford to bail them out not once but twice. When indeed New York was known as one of the dirtiest cities in the world and it was considered quite gross to live in New York. Like you lived in the ghetto or something.
So it made me think about the nature of how things evolve, how sometimes it appears that something is dying, and they may indeed die and then they are no more. think of the great kingdoms of the Aztecs or the Mayans or the Egyptian empire. Great things die and then they are no more. this is true. but sometimes they persevere. They keep going in the face of the most abject adversity imaginable.
Everyday you hear stories here how someone bought a building for three hundred thousand and now its worth 4 million. What was once considered a ridiculous buy now is considered a treasure to be coveted by all. New York real estate is like that now. the whole damn city is. I look around me and I cannot fathom the amount of love and care and attention that has been put into this city over the last four hundred years. it is apparent everywhere you look. People love it. they give to it, donate to it, take care of it, pamper it, and protect it like it is one of their children.
So New York didn't die in the seventies like many cities do. and it didn't die after September 11th, as some people predicted. It only got stronger and more beautiful and more valuable.
People are moving to New York in droves, twice as many are moving here than are leaving, even after September 11th, strangely enough. I often am asked by other people who live in different parts of the country why I would possibly move to New York now? of all times? aren't you afraid of terrorist attacks? And my answer of course is that if I’m going be blown to smithereens by a terrorist attack I would rather it be here than anywhere else. in fact, if New York is going to be blown up beyond all recognition sometime in the near future, I want to be here. after all we’re in the belly of the beast here, the heart of the empire, the living breathing epicenter of the known universe... so for now it makes perfect sense for me, and I guess for a lot of people to be here if anything happens here, good or bad. after September 11th people just started flocking here. maybe its our motherly instincts to want to protect each other. Maybe its our tribal instincts wanting to be together in good times and bad. If we’re all going to die anyway, let it be in the center of it all. let it be at the very heart of the matter where we take our last gasp in this brief and fleeting life. the last thing in the world I would ever want to have happen and this is entirely selfish on my part I would assume, is for something horrible to happen to New York again and for me to be watching it on a TV from somewhere else in the world. I would feel as though I was betraying myself in some way, and even more than that, that I was betraying New York, and betraying my fellow man in some weird way.
In fact, and this is the true nature of why I am writing, New York is such a beautiful happy go lucky and joyous city, (o.k. so forget the noise, the cold, the crowds, the lines, the traffic, the piles of garbage everywhere, and how expensive it is...) that you may even find yourself picking up litter off of the street. You almost notice yourself feeling a kind of motherly protectionist feeling about the city. say what you will, it may be for you and it may not be for you, but its one of those places that if it is for you, people just worship it. New York is something sacred and holy to people, both residents and visitors alike. Even to people who have never been to New York but who just honor it or are fascinated by it from afar, from books or movies, find a certain sense of awe or inspiration from the great city. a certain pride that New York is an American city. its our city. We’re lucky in that. its our greatest achievement.
And this is the nature of my thoughts this evening as I noticed that I was picking up all of the used matches from the stairs I was sitting on so as not to litter. I noticed how careful people are to pick up after themselves, how much money has been spent over the years on the city’s streets and infrastructure and buildings... but I reflected back on a time when it wasn't like that. back in the seventies when New York the city filed for bankruptcy and had to beg president ford to bail them out not once but twice. When indeed New York was known as one of the dirtiest cities in the world and it was considered quite gross to live in New York. Like you lived in the ghetto or something.
So it made me think about the nature of how things evolve, how sometimes it appears that something is dying, and they may indeed die and then they are no more. think of the great kingdoms of the Aztecs or the Mayans or the Egyptian empire. Great things die and then they are no more. this is true. but sometimes they persevere. They keep going in the face of the most abject adversity imaginable.
Everyday you hear stories here how someone bought a building for three hundred thousand and now its worth 4 million. What was once considered a ridiculous buy now is considered a treasure to be coveted by all. New York real estate is like that now. the whole damn city is. I look around me and I cannot fathom the amount of love and care and attention that has been put into this city over the last four hundred years. it is apparent everywhere you look. People love it. they give to it, donate to it, take care of it, pamper it, and protect it like it is one of their children.
So New York didn't die in the seventies like many cities do. and it didn't die after September 11th, as some people predicted. It only got stronger and more beautiful and more valuable.
People are moving to New York in droves, twice as many are moving here than are leaving, even after September 11th, strangely enough. I often am asked by other people who live in different parts of the country why I would possibly move to New York now? of all times? aren't you afraid of terrorist attacks? And my answer of course is that if I’m going be blown to smithereens by a terrorist attack I would rather it be here than anywhere else. in fact, if New York is going to be blown up beyond all recognition sometime in the near future, I want to be here. after all we’re in the belly of the beast here, the heart of the empire, the living breathing epicenter of the known universe... so for now it makes perfect sense for me, and I guess for a lot of people to be here if anything happens here, good or bad. after September 11th people just started flocking here. maybe its our motherly instincts to want to protect each other. Maybe its our tribal instincts wanting to be together in good times and bad. If we’re all going to die anyway, let it be in the center of it all. let it be at the very heart of the matter where we take our last gasp in this brief and fleeting life. the last thing in the world I would ever want to have happen and this is entirely selfish on my part I would assume, is for something horrible to happen to New York again and for me to be watching it on a TV from somewhere else in the world. I would feel as though I was betraying myself in some way, and even more than that, that I was betraying New York, and betraying my fellow man in some weird way.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Almost totally lost now. a complete stranger in a strange land here in South beach. Like a walking ghost in an alternate reality. Moved out of the apt. and now living out of a suitcase in a friends spare bedroom. But this isn't even a spare bedroom. This is someone's bedroom who happens to be out of town. sleeping in their bed amongst all of their things. Brought my own bed sheets of course. No car and no house. friends think I'm crazy but I am having fun. somehow really enjoying it right now. I feel so free and happy. Beaver asks me tonight when hearing of my plight, ‘dude do you ever get scared? Scared that it won't work out and that you will end up with nothing?” “Dude, I almost have nothing now.” “yeah, but you know what I mean. You're in someone else's bedroom now. no home, no car. no savings. What happens if you call me in three months and you are on the street?” “Dude, I'm living my dreams. in less than two weeks we will be backstage, not in front of the stage. But back stage and on the stage. Playing for thousands of people. I've gotten to record six albums instead of just wishing for it. And those albums are in stores that people buy. This is what we always used to talk about when we were kids. Remember? I'm happy man. Don't worry about me.” “O.k. bro. I'm going to keep worrying about you no matter what you say. But I hear ya man. Just make it happen.”
What I find actually is that this freedom from house and home has brought me a new sense of artistic passion that I haven't felt in years. [o.k. I know I say that every few weeks regardless of my circumstances... but that can only be viewed as a good thing... lol. Remember when we were young and only dreaming of being great artists one day ourselves? Reading and studying the great creators of history... that is always the start of it. and now to wake up one day and realize that you are living and breathing it. that you really did it. you turned into it. you are a living breathing biography of the life you were always meant to live. That's an unbelievable feeling.
Current spin: Marilyn Manson, this is the new shit. What a great song this is. I have always considered Brian and myself the polar opposites of one another. Me the good witch doing my best to explore and display the best of what the world has to offer, and he the wicked witch happy to profit from exploiting the worst in everything. perhaps it is because we grew up in the same town, or because he has achieved superstardom in the real world, and me only in my imagination, haha. But either way, I dig what he does sometimes. It has great power when its good, and of course its great shit when its not good, like all of us. But now,,, how to harness that same level of power with something beautiful and wonderful and helpful... that is the goal. So I keep at it.
Current screening: Frida. Again. Better the second time around. That scene of the accident. Wow. Again, the movie is heartbreaking, moving, inspiring. I am reminded to live fuller and richer and deeper and to ignore everything else around me that beckons normalcy, mainstream, or mediocrity in the name of society or status quo. It is one of the aligned companions along the way this film. “If you're a real painter you'll paint because you can’t live without painting. You'll paint till you die,” he says. Yes indeed my friends.
I feel that I am only at the beginning of everything that I am here for, everything I am meant to create as an artist, as a revolutionary, and as a man. I feel a constant sense of frustration with how slowly everyone else is around me in achieving our shared goals; and with the constant lack of money and resources we have to work with. It will only take one big hit or payoff and my work will take off in the way that I have always envisioned. I will then have the resources to live completely in and for the work in the way that the artist needs to if he is to achieve the vision beyond the hype of the moment. My greatest work is still in front of me.
So no, I am not bothered by spending every cent I have and more on the work to the point of being homeless again, and again, and again. In fact, I am honored to be inhabiting this great mind and body that is called Fishy. Even when I have been at my poorest and most destitute I have always had a strong sense of pride because I have always managed to stay in the creating mode. So I can always smile, there is always that secret there behind the smile, of the grand work just completed and the even better one that is on its way.
Yes, and one more thing. where is my Frida? Again, I find myself more in love with this characterization of Frida khalo depicted in the film more than any other woman I have seen or heard of in my entire life. She is the ultimate archetype for me. Where is the woman who is as romantic dynamic creative artistic intelligent curious adventurous insightful liberal open-minded and revolutionary as I desire and need? where is this super woman that I feel in the blood of my soul? Even without knowing her yet in real time I am still entirely inspired by her and take her in with each breath, if only in my heart and in my mind’s eye.
What I find actually is that this freedom from house and home has brought me a new sense of artistic passion that I haven't felt in years. [o.k. I know I say that every few weeks regardless of my circumstances... but that can only be viewed as a good thing... lol. Remember when we were young and only dreaming of being great artists one day ourselves? Reading and studying the great creators of history... that is always the start of it. and now to wake up one day and realize that you are living and breathing it. that you really did it. you turned into it. you are a living breathing biography of the life you were always meant to live. That's an unbelievable feeling.
Current spin: Marilyn Manson, this is the new shit. What a great song this is. I have always considered Brian and myself the polar opposites of one another. Me the good witch doing my best to explore and display the best of what the world has to offer, and he the wicked witch happy to profit from exploiting the worst in everything. perhaps it is because we grew up in the same town, or because he has achieved superstardom in the real world, and me only in my imagination, haha. But either way, I dig what he does sometimes. It has great power when its good, and of course its great shit when its not good, like all of us. But now,,, how to harness that same level of power with something beautiful and wonderful and helpful... that is the goal. So I keep at it.
Current screening: Frida. Again. Better the second time around. That scene of the accident. Wow. Again, the movie is heartbreaking, moving, inspiring. I am reminded to live fuller and richer and deeper and to ignore everything else around me that beckons normalcy, mainstream, or mediocrity in the name of society or status quo. It is one of the aligned companions along the way this film. “If you're a real painter you'll paint because you can’t live without painting. You'll paint till you die,” he says. Yes indeed my friends.
I feel that I am only at the beginning of everything that I am here for, everything I am meant to create as an artist, as a revolutionary, and as a man. I feel a constant sense of frustration with how slowly everyone else is around me in achieving our shared goals; and with the constant lack of money and resources we have to work with. It will only take one big hit or payoff and my work will take off in the way that I have always envisioned. I will then have the resources to live completely in and for the work in the way that the artist needs to if he is to achieve the vision beyond the hype of the moment. My greatest work is still in front of me.
So no, I am not bothered by spending every cent I have and more on the work to the point of being homeless again, and again, and again. In fact, I am honored to be inhabiting this great mind and body that is called Fishy. Even when I have been at my poorest and most destitute I have always had a strong sense of pride because I have always managed to stay in the creating mode. So I can always smile, there is always that secret there behind the smile, of the grand work just completed and the even better one that is on its way.
Yes, and one more thing. where is my Frida? Again, I find myself more in love with this characterization of Frida khalo depicted in the film more than any other woman I have seen or heard of in my entire life. She is the ultimate archetype for me. Where is the woman who is as romantic dynamic creative artistic intelligent curious adventurous insightful liberal open-minded and revolutionary as I desire and need? where is this super woman that I feel in the blood of my soul? Even without knowing her yet in real time I am still entirely inspired by her and take her in with each breath, if only in my heart and in my mind’s eye.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
New York is COLD! Found myself all day with a chill I could not get rid of. Today was the official release date of the bands new CD and it has been held up due to persistent artwork problems. I try to tell myself that it is meant to be and it is for the better to make the matter seem more bearable but the truth is that it is my fault for allowing G2 to constantly hold up our work and lag behind because I am not man enough to fire his lazy Latin ass and get people on the team who can do the job right and on time. this has been a persistent problem I have always had since I can remember. Confusing business with friendship and losing money and respect in business as a result.
But no more. this move to New York is a bold statement of the extent I am willing to go to make necessary changes in my life to make it that much better and more exciting and successful and fulfilling. One of the many steps in that process is making sure that I get what I want when I want it and I get what I pay for. That I am still empathetic and compassionate to my fellow man but that I am strong and bold enough to get the job done and make sure that others who work for me do the same. That is all part of being a good leader and a successful caretaker of any business or family which I hope to be one day.
Played the cashflow game again with Boo Boo Kitty. I won the game in three hours. Ended up with over a million dollars of cash on hand and four hundred and fifty seven thousand dollars in passive income. A good game indeed. Learning a lot from this brilliant game.
Still finding it very hard to secure good enough paying dats for the band to do a real tour. very frustrating!!!! This is with a song on the top forty of many rock stations around the country and good CD sales nationally. Starting to believe that the only way were going to make this happen is to get a major record deal. I hate to say it but it very well could be that this is the unfortunate but inevitable truth.
Finding myself more deeply rooted in truth more so than I have been for many years. even the diaries have taken on an air of truth quite surprising and unexpected. I feel for the first time since their inception that I am finally writing from my heart of hearts.
The goal is to get the diaries to a level of truth so crystal clear and sharp that they transcend mere telling of events and feelings and become a tool like the diaries of Camus or Davinci. Where they become the canvas on which I work and learn and grow. The only way to accomplish this is to get out of the need to simply recall events or try to build the ego by stretching the truth and to just lay it on the line in as honest and forthright a fashion as is humanly possible.
Also realizing that to rent in New York sucks and that the key is going to be to buy as soon as possible. When you are a renter you have no control, no equity, and no leverage and no buying or borrowing power. I have said it before and I am convinced of it now yet again. to own is power. to rent is to be a slave.
Finding it hard to get anything done here still. still in shock and relocation trauma sort of.
So many beautiful and eligible girls here that I am turning my head every few seconds walking down the street. I realize now that my wife wherever and whoever she is will have to be my destined wife. It will have to be an almost cosmic attraction and coming together. because the truth is that there are many many possibilities out there. so it will have to be something more fated, something more than mere attraction or beauty or style or anything like that. but rest assured, my intuition tells me that she is just around the corner and I will be married within a year. My message to you my love? I am here. can you feel me? I am scared and slightly anxious and nervous about money right now in all honesty. I have not been this broke since I was in college. so I am slightly nervous that I will not be able to at this time support us in the fashion that would serve us best, but I am over all feeling happy and excited about my life. even though we have not met yet, you have my heart and my undying devotion. I think of you often and I dream of you during the nights.
A good concise video documentary short about the 9/11 pentagon bombing cover-up is here:
http://www.freedomunderground.org/memoryhole/pentagon121.swf
But no more. this move to New York is a bold statement of the extent I am willing to go to make necessary changes in my life to make it that much better and more exciting and successful and fulfilling. One of the many steps in that process is making sure that I get what I want when I want it and I get what I pay for. That I am still empathetic and compassionate to my fellow man but that I am strong and bold enough to get the job done and make sure that others who work for me do the same. That is all part of being a good leader and a successful caretaker of any business or family which I hope to be one day.
Played the cashflow game again with Boo Boo Kitty. I won the game in three hours. Ended up with over a million dollars of cash on hand and four hundred and fifty seven thousand dollars in passive income. A good game indeed. Learning a lot from this brilliant game.
Still finding it very hard to secure good enough paying dats for the band to do a real tour. very frustrating!!!! This is with a song on the top forty of many rock stations around the country and good CD sales nationally. Starting to believe that the only way were going to make this happen is to get a major record deal. I hate to say it but it very well could be that this is the unfortunate but inevitable truth.
Finding myself more deeply rooted in truth more so than I have been for many years. even the diaries have taken on an air of truth quite surprising and unexpected. I feel for the first time since their inception that I am finally writing from my heart of hearts.
The goal is to get the diaries to a level of truth so crystal clear and sharp that they transcend mere telling of events and feelings and become a tool like the diaries of Camus or Davinci. Where they become the canvas on which I work and learn and grow. The only way to accomplish this is to get out of the need to simply recall events or try to build the ego by stretching the truth and to just lay it on the line in as honest and forthright a fashion as is humanly possible.
Also realizing that to rent in New York sucks and that the key is going to be to buy as soon as possible. When you are a renter you have no control, no equity, and no leverage and no buying or borrowing power. I have said it before and I am convinced of it now yet again. to own is power. to rent is to be a slave.
Finding it hard to get anything done here still. still in shock and relocation trauma sort of.
So many beautiful and eligible girls here that I am turning my head every few seconds walking down the street. I realize now that my wife wherever and whoever she is will have to be my destined wife. It will have to be an almost cosmic attraction and coming together. because the truth is that there are many many possibilities out there. so it will have to be something more fated, something more than mere attraction or beauty or style or anything like that. but rest assured, my intuition tells me that she is just around the corner and I will be married within a year. My message to you my love? I am here. can you feel me? I am scared and slightly anxious and nervous about money right now in all honesty. I have not been this broke since I was in college. so I am slightly nervous that I will not be able to at this time support us in the fashion that would serve us best, but I am over all feeling happy and excited about my life. even though we have not met yet, you have my heart and my undying devotion. I think of you often and I dream of you during the nights.
A good concise video documentary short about the 9/11 pentagon bombing cover-up is here:
http://www.freedomunderground.org/memoryhole/pentagon121.swf
Monday, October 04, 2004
First few nights in new apartment in nyc. Hard to feel comfortable or at home here. renting in a townhouse. Have to lower your standards a bit when you are used to living in the big beautiful suburbs.
All night tossing and turning. Not a lot of sleep. Hate the mattress. Really gross. Feel very claustrophobic in the bedroom. The entire apt is only 414 sq ft. everything including kit and bath. Crazy. that's the size of my bathroom back home. I have been studying intently the sounds of different accents the last few years. brought on by the fact that when some one puts you on the spot and asks you to sport and English accent you may or may not be able to do it, unless of course you have been schooled in it. By a voice instructor, like actors do for certain roles in films. So I have really been trying to pay attention to all the different accents people speak English with. The Russian accent, the Irish, the new York, the new jersey, the Boston, the polish, the middle easterner, the South American --- forklift
Spent all day looking at offices for the new TMG headquarters. Still not feeling a hundred percent. No NE of my stuff is here yet. still on the truck . anxiety at night sleeping in others peoples strange bed and bed sheets freaks me out.
Still spending more than I'm making, not good.
Phone company will not install Internet service till next week some time so I am forced to walk around the city opening my alp top everywhere to see if I can log on to some network wirelessly to get on the Internet for a few minutes. Its totally crazy. you hit ‘view wireless connections available and you see like maybe five to ten wireless connections while you're just sitting there on a bench somewhere . I have found that the best place to go is on the steps of apartment buildings and then you have a lot to choose from that way. and then I log into them and then I'm on the net.
Not a very productive way to work. But better than nothing and better than an Internet café where you pay by the hour or whatever. for now.
Fun New York facts. [If you are a new Yorker skip these sections because it will seem obvious to you and boring.] A city block takes a minute to walk. a north South block is called a block. A east west avenue is called an avenue, not a block. Each avenue is approximately three blocks. You find yourself walking a lot here. a lot. You could easily walk a hundred blocks in a day.
As a visitor I used to take taxis everywhere. now I realize the value in trying to take the subway everywhere or walk.
I have lots of friends here. maybe not as many as Miami but it seems like more because we are all in this city so it is easier to see each other. In more suburban areas like Miami or LA, it seems like you are so spread out from everything that you always have to make plans with everyone to do stuff, whereas here you just meet up all the time because you are so close to each other.
All night tossing and turning. Not a lot of sleep. Hate the mattress. Really gross. Feel very claustrophobic in the bedroom. The entire apt is only 414 sq ft. everything including kit and bath. Crazy. that's the size of my bathroom back home. I have been studying intently the sounds of different accents the last few years. brought on by the fact that when some one puts you on the spot and asks you to sport and English accent you may or may not be able to do it, unless of course you have been schooled in it. By a voice instructor, like actors do for certain roles in films. So I have really been trying to pay attention to all the different accents people speak English with. The Russian accent, the Irish, the new York, the new jersey, the Boston, the polish, the middle easterner, the South American --- forklift
Spent all day looking at offices for the new TMG headquarters. Still not feeling a hundred percent. No NE of my stuff is here yet. still on the truck . anxiety at night sleeping in others peoples strange bed and bed sheets freaks me out.
Still spending more than I'm making, not good.
Phone company will not install Internet service till next week some time so I am forced to walk around the city opening my alp top everywhere to see if I can log on to some network wirelessly to get on the Internet for a few minutes. Its totally crazy. you hit ‘view wireless connections available and you see like maybe five to ten wireless connections while you're just sitting there on a bench somewhere . I have found that the best place to go is on the steps of apartment buildings and then you have a lot to choose from that way. and then I log into them and then I'm on the net.
Not a very productive way to work. But better than nothing and better than an Internet café where you pay by the hour or whatever. for now.
Fun New York facts. [If you are a new Yorker skip these sections because it will seem obvious to you and boring.] A city block takes a minute to walk. a north South block is called a block. A east west avenue is called an avenue, not a block. Each avenue is approximately three blocks. You find yourself walking a lot here. a lot. You could easily walk a hundred blocks in a day.
As a visitor I used to take taxis everywhere. now I realize the value in trying to take the subway everywhere or walk.
I have lots of friends here. maybe not as many as Miami but it seems like more because we are all in this city so it is easier to see each other. In more suburban areas like Miami or LA, it seems like you are so spread out from everything that you always have to make plans with everyone to do stuff, whereas here you just meet up all the time because you are so close to each other.
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Migration In Miami
O.k. fast. already feel better. Out of Miami and in fort Lauderdale right now. At the airport. Waiting for the plane. Bought a one way ticket to nyc. tonight I will spend my first night in my new apt in New York.
Before I forget, I was in the airport tonight and I passed by this room called ‘the meditation room.’ I recognized the room itself. A few years back it used to be called ‘the airport chapel.’ Wow. We've come a long way, for better or worse. Things are different now. I decided to head on in and see what it was all about. gone are any signs of ‘churchness.’ Instead its just this room with some chairs and a glass sculpture on the wall in front. the glass sculpture has a bunch of planes on it. I guess we’re all supposed to be praying to airplanes now. who knows. no religious symbols at all. the chapel is no longer the chapel. It’s no longer a Christian or a Jewish place of worship, but rather just a quiet room. And then over to my left I notice on the wall the air conditioning thermostat and underneath typed in a big bold 24 point font the words “EAST.” So that must be for the Muslims or the Jewish people. times have changed.
The liberal in me felt good about the changes to modernity. But the kid in me who grew up as an American Christian felt a little weird about it. America doesn’t necessarily belong to the Christians anymore. At least not on the surface. [the elaborate Reagan funeral certainly showed that in our hearts we are still deeply a Christian country.] Better of course. After all. America never did belong to the Christians. For thousands of years it belonged to the Americans, an entire race of people we pretty much wiped from the face of the great land we now call home. we Christians have only been here for a few hundred years. and now what? I guess we have to start making room for everyone. Honestly without all the religious symbols the room didn't feel too spiritual or religious or even meditative. Just seemed like a quiet room. Maybe that's what we’re headed for.
This reminds me of something I have been meaning to write about for the last few weeks but just haven't had the time. on the road last month I happened to read this book called ‘Miami’ by joan dideon. A famous read.
I am so tired from moving all day today that I'm just going to fly through this and get down the ideas. I learned that Miami has always been a sort of rest haven for exiled Cubans and ousted dictators and guerrillas. For over seventy years now Miami has been the kind of boot camp for rebels looking for money resources or a rest spot on their way in or out of Cuba or any number of other Caribbean or South American countries. That's just the way its always been. At the same time it has always been the home away from home for northeastern and Midwestern older folk. Mostly Jewish people. a retiree town.
O.k. starting in the fifties Cubans really started pouring in after Castro’s guerillas took over the country from the current, one of many, dictator of the time, batista. Some Cubans were happy with the new authority and some people were very unhappy. the unhappy ones fled to Miami.
[as a relatively serious cigar fan, I at first was very confused how there seemed to be “two” cigar branches for all the famous cigar companies. There were the Dominican companies and then there were the Cuban companies but they all had the same name. what I eventually l learned was that when Castro and crew moved in, they immediately took over all the companies in the entire country, as communists are known to do, including the cigar companies. So the families that owned the companies grabbed a few of their beloved tobacco plants, hands full of seeds, and packed some suitcases and bolted out of their home country. they soon re-started their ages-old family businesses in other countries, mostly the Dominican republic. So what we have is all these fake tobacco companies in Cuba using the names of real tobacco companies who are now relocated in other countries. So for many of the most famous names, such as hoyo de Monterey or Romeo y julieta, there are two totally separate companies going at the same time.
Before I forget, I was in the airport tonight and I passed by this room called ‘the meditation room.’ I recognized the room itself. A few years back it used to be called ‘the airport chapel.’ Wow. We've come a long way, for better or worse. Things are different now. I decided to head on in and see what it was all about. gone are any signs of ‘churchness.’ Instead its just this room with some chairs and a glass sculpture on the wall in front. the glass sculpture has a bunch of planes on it. I guess we’re all supposed to be praying to airplanes now. who knows. no religious symbols at all. the chapel is no longer the chapel. It’s no longer a Christian or a Jewish place of worship, but rather just a quiet room. And then over to my left I notice on the wall the air conditioning thermostat and underneath typed in a big bold 24 point font the words “EAST.” So that must be for the Muslims or the Jewish people. times have changed.
The liberal in me felt good about the changes to modernity. But the kid in me who grew up as an American Christian felt a little weird about it. America doesn’t necessarily belong to the Christians anymore. At least not on the surface. [the elaborate Reagan funeral certainly showed that in our hearts we are still deeply a Christian country.] Better of course. After all. America never did belong to the Christians. For thousands of years it belonged to the Americans, an entire race of people we pretty much wiped from the face of the great land we now call home. we Christians have only been here for a few hundred years. and now what? I guess we have to start making room for everyone. Honestly without all the religious symbols the room didn't feel too spiritual or religious or even meditative. Just seemed like a quiet room. Maybe that's what we’re headed for.
This reminds me of something I have been meaning to write about for the last few weeks but just haven't had the time. on the road last month I happened to read this book called ‘Miami’ by joan dideon. A famous read.
I am so tired from moving all day today that I'm just going to fly through this and get down the ideas. I learned that Miami has always been a sort of rest haven for exiled Cubans and ousted dictators and guerrillas. For over seventy years now Miami has been the kind of boot camp for rebels looking for money resources or a rest spot on their way in or out of Cuba or any number of other Caribbean or South American countries. That's just the way its always been. At the same time it has always been the home away from home for northeastern and Midwestern older folk. Mostly Jewish people. a retiree town.
O.k. starting in the fifties Cubans really started pouring in after Castro’s guerillas took over the country from the current, one of many, dictator of the time, batista. Some Cubans were happy with the new authority and some people were very unhappy. the unhappy ones fled to Miami.
[as a relatively serious cigar fan, I at first was very confused how there seemed to be “two” cigar branches for all the famous cigar companies. There were the Dominican companies and then there were the Cuban companies but they all had the same name. what I eventually l learned was that when Castro and crew moved in, they immediately took over all the companies in the entire country, as communists are known to do, including the cigar companies. So the families that owned the companies grabbed a few of their beloved tobacco plants, hands full of seeds, and packed some suitcases and bolted out of their home country. they soon re-started their ages-old family businesses in other countries, mostly the Dominican republic. So what we have is all these fake tobacco companies in Cuba using the names of real tobacco companies who are now relocated in other countries. So for many of the most famous names, such as hoyo de Monterey or Romeo y julieta, there are two totally separate companies going at the same time.
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