Monday, April 21, 2008

Spoon Summer Semi-Pro Slumps & Rising Up Out of That Flame

Hey Summer!

So am I supposed to be happy about this email? That you went to see Spoon without me? One of my favorite bands right now! They are truly fucking great. AND you went to see Semi Pro without me? knowing that there is a sacred bond between us all and Will Ferrell that transcends all possible excuses excepting perhaps Armageddon itself. And even then...

Just kidding actually because I would have had to said no anyway, because I'm TOOOOO busy -- as hell, is how they say it I believe -- right now and if I can’t do the work for my own damn band fast enough to get our new albums out then why the hell would I go see another band play a show? You know? even if it is Spoon in their prime. I don't mind skipping out on shows by big huge oldie bands because its more of a greatest hits type vibe and I can enjoy it just as much on a DVD on a giant flat-screen with surround sound in the comfort of the old casa mia. You know? But to see a bnad like Strokes or Spoon or Radiohead or Coldplay or Muse or white stripes pre-meg-breakdown... those are good times... bands in their first five year stretch... that's where all the excitement is.

So you know what? Just look at me like a chick and always invite me to go see movies with you guys. even if you know I'm gonna say no, Cause I LOVE the Sky girls. You’re two of the few people that I'm not “sorry, too busy” for. (hence this reply when I am now sitting with 2938 unanswered in that wicked satanic thing we call an ”inbox” right now) BUT I must admit that I KNEW Semi Pro was gonna blow because Will has hit that point in his career now where he is just doing the same movie over and over again wearing different costumes. It’s like “o.k. this ones the same champ o.k.? But this time you're a doctor. Or ‘alright guy this one is the usual shtick but this time you're gonna be a cowboy.” And Will’s like “alright cool. Got it. See ya’ll on Monday.” It’s like YAWN! I bet he’s developing scripts right now for him as a clown, a wrestler, a porn star, a race car driver – oh yeah he already did that one! !!!!!

It sucks. But it happens to us all. Career slump. Too comfortable.

It happened to me before. I will try to type this really fast and then use it in some way – I'll blog it -- so I don't feel like I'm totally wasting my time by just emailing.... (not that communicating with you is a waste... but you get the idea.... every moment counts....

I'll never forget it. it was around 2003 or 4. I was rich as hell. Had three albums out with Transcendence. Two solo ones. Three houses. A commercial building worth a million. Breakfast served to me everyday in bed by a housekeeper who let herself in early in the mornings to cook and clean. I got in everywhere for free because everyone in Miami knew me. I owned everything there was to own. There just wasn't a damn thing that a person could buy that I didn't already have. (this is another story entirely and truly a rather deep, complex one, with lessons aplenty) I was going to self-empowerment courses all over the world. Spoke four languages. Traveled like a motherfucker. And by all accounts I was happy and successful. But I wasn't happy. But I didn't know it. I thought I was. But I also noticed that I BOUGHT a lot of stuff and was super anal about stupid materialistic things that don't really matter.

One day I was driving down Ocean Drive (along the coast in Miami Beach in my convertible turbo 330 icc silver BMW and I was just driving... looking for something to do.... and in that moment I realized that I was severely unhappy. I realized that I wasn't going to find anything to do in that moment that would really “make me happy.” I wasn't going to be happy even if I did manage to find my friends and hang out for the day on the beach or at Willies the bar drinking big fat super-charged tropical drinks that get you wasted. And this happened within the same month that I had that other realization that I “owned everything money could buy and that there was nothing left for me to buy.” Boohoo. I was devastated by that one. (I know. I've come a long way. trust me.)

That was a downer enough. But this other experience was worse. It was like I had this feeling that my life was empty and meaningless. And it didn't matter how cool my car was or how great my hair looked or how awesome my sunglasses were or that my band had a new album out or that my house was huge or how many hot chicks I had or any of that other shit. In that moment I realized that I needed a whole new life.... career slump. For no reason. My career was doing fine. I was coasting... but it was a slump alright.

I needed some perspective and so I called one of the most hard to reach famous “psychics’ in the world. Hans Christian King. $400 an hour or something crazy like that. he told me that on Grammy night he won more Grammy's than anyone else. I was like “I didn't even know you were an artist?” He was like “I'm not. But so many people who won Grammy's last night are my clients that it feels like I'm winning them because they are my friends and clients and we do a lot of personal work together to get them to that point in their life.” I'm like “o.k. great so what the fuck is up with me?” And he tells me “Honestly son, I hate to say this. But nothing is up for you. You are in what we call “a void.” Basically the idea is that nothing is happening and nothing will for a while. it is as if you are in a cosmic vacuum. I hate to say this to a person because I know you are looking for answers but I have none for you. There is nothing to tell you.” he did go on to tell me a few things about my life from a holistic point of view... that I would be married to the second love of my life. that I had just recently broken up with the first love of my life and that yes it was permanent. That I would have at least 3 or 4 children. And that my wife would die before me when we were older. “thanks asshole. I really want to hear that.” But his answer was interesting. He said “Listen, I can lie to you if you want. But look at it this way. you spend thirty or forty years together with this woman and you are both madly in love. You will be a lucky man. Its just that you are going to live a very very long time. and I know that YOU already know that.” wow. yes he was right. I did already know that and had been told that a hundred other times by other psychics around the world....

It would be great if I died when I was forty or something. just to prove them wrong...

So I called another psychic, this one equally well known in her field. Micky Dahne. An absolute clairvoyant. Real gift. She had a lot more to say but her first question was “honey why are you living where you live? you are very unhappy there. where DO you live?” “Miami, FL” “Oh yes I see. No no no. not good for you at all. You need to move to Washington DC or LA or to New York. And you already know this. why haven't you don't it?” I was shocked and stumped how this woman knew this... she also told me and I swear this is a quote “They’re going to put you on TV. You're going to be on TV.” And I'm like “who's going to put me on TV?” And she's like “Well someone is. you’ll see. It will be like a talk show but you will be traveling....” eerie right? considering that within a month of moving here we started the Transcendent Television project.... crazy.

Thing was, my whole life was in Miami. my house was in Miami. my other investment properties were in Miami. my companies and employees were in Miami. my friends were in Miami. and most of all MY BAND was in fucking Miami. What was I going to do? And what was I actually looking for???

Well. I did move to New York. That was that. My band showed up for rehearsal one day and saw a “for sale” sign in my front yard and thought what the fuck is this????!!! you're moving???? You can’t move! We’re in a fucking band!!!

But I had to. had no choice. felt like I was going to die if I didn't. my soul was aching. Real visceral pain.

Was it a good move? Was it the right decision? Boy was it ever. The last 4 years have been absolutely amazing. Hard? Sure. But mostly due to other circumstances that we don't have to get into. But the point is that I got a whole new life. A whole new attitude. I got out of that life/career slump and out of that “vacuum/void” that King was referring to... pretty soon I had more going on than I ever had before...

And then wouldn’t you know it happened again! Late ’05. This time much worse. Not just me deciding I needed a change but more like something totally out of my control and not of my doing -- more a cleansing by fire. (the legal thing you may or may not know about. the reason why I'm not daddy warbucks anymore – not at this moment – but soon again ---cause I'm working like a motherfucker to rise back up) But you know what? Even that I'm glad about. Because it has transformed me in a way that I would have been fine without, but with it, I think I'm really starting to become someone that I always doubted I could be, but always fantasized about becoming but wondered how people become that... and the last TWO years I'm watching me become that. a man. a person. a human being. It has been beautiful.

Best saved for conversations... not emails...

So Will Ferrell. He’s at that “Fishy in his BMW driving down the Ocean Drive experience” place.” Pretty soon maybe if we’re lucky as fans he’ll get sick of playing the fool and he’ll change it up a bit and surprise us all. Plenty of comics have. But for now, he’s burned out. we all see it. He’s doing the same thing over and over in different costumes. He needs a transformation. Something that will shake the shit out of him and turn him into something new. Or else pretty soon he's gonna be a has-been and people are gonna stop laughing. And he's gonna be selling insurance on late night TV making the same old foolish jokes for nobody laughing.

Sort of like the Iran thing. That fucked me all up. came out of nowhere. and now I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do.... kind of sad and traumatic but I know it will really be transformative for me and my peeps. I'm just not totally sure of the big picture yet. But I know that getting fucked up, rocking my ass off, and getting laid (holy shit am I saying this? To little Summer Sky??? Summer close your ears/eyes!) are not the only things in life. I mean, I'm not even sure WHAT the things are in life are now. Except trying to make things better for everyone. Which just might mean sacrificing our whole darn life to help make the world better in the short time we are here.... and here’s the thing: I ALREADY KNEW THAT >>> and anyone who knows me has already told me “Dude you're full of shit. You’ve been ‘trying to save the planet’ Mr. ambassador as long as I've known you. So no, this isn't some new revelation for you bro.”

O.k. fine. so its not.

But maybe I'm talking about internal changes that only I can FEEL.

Maybe that's what I'm talking about. Something going on inside me. With who I am. Rather than just “the mission.” Maybe the mission stays the same, but inside becomes clearer.... I don't know yet...

Oh yeah, your question about SPOON – sorry about that rant. But don't worry. I'll post it to the Diaries and believe it or not some people will actually get something out of it. Most of all, me. That was a good ride. And why else DO we blog? No?

Summer babe, little clubs always rock way better because it brings the band back to their “early days” when they were teenagers and starting out and you can smell the beer and its like “woooooo dude lets rock this little fucking place hard!” So yeah, little clubs = way cooler and more energy.

The other thing is that if SPOON is on tour right now which they may be, being on tour sucks. It is grueling. Same thing night after night after night but trying to pretend like it’s new because you KNOW you're playing for DIFFERENT people. In a different city. so to them it IS a new experience. But to you it’s the same damn thing you just did last night... so some nights you just can’t muster up the energy to fake it... you just want to get through it so you go to fucking sleep. Could also be that. who knows. we weren't backstage.

Tell you what though. I saw U2 three diff times on the same tour! In 02 or 03 -- In the same year. In three diff cities in the US. And they were amazing every single night in every single city. I couldn’t believe it. what a great live band.

Alright I actually have to work. Or we’re never going to play another show again till I'm old and fat. Which I already am.

Maybe see ya tonight.


Thursday, April 10, 2008


PS – last night, tired, dead tired, not aware that you are asleep though awake or vice versa kind of tired. But I attempt to remain awake for a few more hours in order to “relax” by continuing my studies of the final months of Word War II, a project that has now gone for months – a 32 hour documentary in itself, not counting the countless re-watches and re-views in case you miss something or need to rewind for a quote or don't quite catch the deeper meaning or want to get the big picture. We are now deep in the trenches of the controversy surrounding whether or not Hitler took poison in his bunker or shot himself in the head. Why? I wonder. There are also countless hours of the raw footage the Germans took of their “final solution” – the Nazi death camps. Piles upon piles of flabby rotten dead bodies being heaped upon one another. I am dead tired to the point of near drooling and for a moment I have the clarity of mind to recognize that I must be so tired that the horror that I see before me on the screen is not affecting me in the way it normally would. No emotional or visceral reaction. Just an intense desire to fully know, grasp, and understand it all.

The whole time, eyes half open, half closed, at several points I keep thinking that I am seeing some giant black thing walk in front of the small television screen. I realize within a few minutes that it is nothing more than my left eyelid. It is so tired, so exhausted, that I cannot keep it from closing shut half the time. What an odd illusion I thought.

I am scribbling notes I am sure will be entirely illegible the next day with random words that pop out at me from the various interview footage of both the surviving victims and their captors in order to use them collage-style in a song or two at some point down the road in the future. One of the songs will be called Zyclon B – the poison gas the Germans used in the “showers.” Fascinating I thought. How a whole people could go so mad... other words and phrases pop out such as roof grill, where are the allies? Crematorium, killing agent. I scribble till I cannot see anymore and I cannot tell whether what I am seeing is in my head, meaning that I am dreaming, or is on the television.

But while doing this I am eating the chocolates from Switzerland you gave me so lovingly. One after another. And with each one, I am reminded of how sweet you are. I know I am prone to sentimentality in the most meaningless ways, but I could not help but feel such a calm appreciation and love for you due to this simple fact that I was holding a bag of chocolates that you had given me for my trip to Iran. I am not a fool. I only act like one. And I am not naive enough not to realize that you gave me the chocolates for the greater reason of ridding yourself of them so you didn't devour them entirely yourself. But still, they absolutely meant the world to me while I was in Iran. Each day I would eat one. Whenever we boarded a plane, I would open up my bag and eat just one. Savoring not just the taste, but the moment and the meaning that they represented to me as a whole.

And it made me feel very close to you -- to that moment when we sat on the floor of my room and you shared your goodies with me from your trip to Switzerland. These chocolates, as irrelevant, innocuous, and meaningless as they may have been when packaged up by whatever sweatshop factory worker had the unfortunate displeasure of doing so, and then haphazardly thrown atop a generic bed in a generic hotel on yet another generic dreary day by a bored to death housemaid at said hotel in Switzerland, took on a small but important and meaningful role in my life for the last six weeks. They drew me close to you and to all that it is, this strange thing we call a friendship, with all its bumps and wild twists and turns, and to just how damn nice you are even when it is a token as small as “Here is a bag of chocolate for your trip.”

There is one left. When I am finished writing for the evening, when again I have reached the point of exhaustion of the cross-eyed variety I will lie down upon my bed and eat that final chocolate. And I will cherish it with all the love I have in my heart for you and for all you do for me and for us and for everyone else around you. And before I discover that I have indeed fallen into that cherished state of sleep I will whisper ‘good night’ as I do every night and wish you blessings beyond blessings beyond blessings and more happiness than you know what to do with. For if anyone in the world deserves it, you do my friend.

[Yes I have decided to start blogging again. Due to being back in “writers mode” because of having to complete these sample chapters of the damned book. The written word has come back to me.... thought I would share.]

Tuesday, April 08, 2008


hey there Delilah,

Alright yes please order those things. Do it NOW before you forget.

Isn't that Church amazing for prayer and thanksgiving???

God IS THERE. for sure. no doubt.

God healed you.

Now ask yourself, WHY????

What are you going to do about it?

That's my question for ya.

I think one of your best gifts that you have is your gift with the written word.

I think since we're being frank here that why not be frank on both sides and mention that you gab a bit too much with the spoken word – at times – at least for my taste -but with the written word, you take on a whole other personality, it is like you become a poet or something. seriously it is as if you could be an inspirational writer of some kind. To whom? Perhaps is the question.

And with all that experience you have in so many other arenas, what with living in diff countries etc... I don't know. I'm thinking that you could mediate on this and take it somewhere WAY bigger than where you are now. to really touch a lot of hearts.

God got rid of your cancer is ONE way to look at it. (people love that belief -- and for good reason... which we don't need to get into now)

That would imply that God kept someone else HAVING cancer today too. Prob A LOT OF people. That would mean that god kept my brother Beav in massive heart-wrenching agonizing pain today as usual too.... so I don't really go for that God healed me stuff.

Does that mean that God killed those two people when the crane crashed on them last weekend here in NYC? prob not.

But maybe.

Who knows. Really? Who the fuck knows.

Especially when one considers that we are speaking of something about as verifiable as "bespeckled codfish that can walk on water and read the minds of human beings but only on a planet called Nebulon -- which we dont have any proof exists but "people say it does."

But if we throw all logic and rational to the wind and we assume “God” saved you from cancer, then let us ponder the question: how can you step up and play a giant holy game for God and with God using those God-given talents you have: super-social, tolerant of others, curious of others, a gift with the written word, great smile, charisma, a gift for gab, eager to help others, good with kids, lots of life experience to share... and you dont seem to mind sharing it. Which believe it or not -- because it comes easy to you AND you enjoy it -- many people do mind doing that. in fact some just down right dislike sharing their lives and life-stories with others.

I'm seeing that there is a picture developing here of something....

I wonder what it is?

Today is the first day of the rest of Delilah’s life God. what do you want her to do with it?

We await your holy word, as always. we love you.

Your humble servants.


Transcendent Television

All Your Heroes Become Villains on MySpace

The Great Mistake

From: Delilah [] Sent: Monday, April 07, 2008 11:54 PMTo: fishy Subject: Re: Because you can never have too many blessings...

I'm sorry to hear your brother isn't much better... I'm certain he will. Maybe I should start this candle thing like you do!

Re my brother---who knows...we don't communicate except about 3 times a year...unless he has a heart attack or something ;). We are kind of like family who are complete strangers. It's strange.

Re me--- yes! Amen to that! I literally went straight from the Dr's office to church and sat for 15 mins or so just praying in was like i couldn't stop saying, 'thank you! thank you! thank you!" It's been a challenging 2 months dealing with that, it's great to know all is well. She just re-iterated today that I need to boost my immune system..and I've got to go order those things you told me about. I saved the text messages in my phone.

I'm off to bed... sweet dreams!

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Prairie Home Companion Live!!!

Hey man,
Thanks for showing last night. I had prior arrangements to attend THE Prairie Home Companion live-recording broadcast at Town Hall in NYC.

Was it awesome you ask to be sitting there a mere ten feet from Garrison Keillor and crew while they recorded their 35 year plus and still running radio show live out to over 600 radio stations all over America and the rest of the world fully knowing that while Mr. and Mrs. Jones in wherever USA were sitting in their living room or driving in their pickup truck or minivan down route 60 listening in as they always do each Saturday evening that I was right there witnessing the whole damn thing live and in person on stage?

Uh yeah, it was a downright awesome Americana experience. Something I will hopefully never forget. For it was very special. And hopefully something I will get to do again -- it is definitely something I would recommend to anyone and definitely do now and then repeatedly just because its such an easy way to have a good time. authentic goodness at its best is how I would sum it up. We just don't have much like that anymore in the world.

An unexpected perk was the introduction to the music and wit of Brad Paisley. I had never heard Brad's music before last night and must say i was mightily impressed. Good voice, great on the guitar, catchy songs, funny as all hell. But tender too.

But alas I did miss being at the party last night – though I am well-burned out on them a little these days – I would have loved to see you all in one cozy spot due to the main event – young Candyman's first trip abroad and the ensuing stories that will be created around his experiences. Really proud of/happy for him. And I was really glad that you all were able to come on down. it meant a lot to him.

Sorry to have missed it and you guys.

Then I slept till 12:30PM! Haven't done that since I don't know when -- so I TOTALLY slept through church. AND yes -- this really takes the cake – I was supposed to be meeting the wife of a rather famous Episcopal priest/prison reformer/long time activist/current Obama campaign trailer there at our church to show her around and I totally sleep through the whole thing!

O.k. so I'm a fucking idiot. a jackass. A fool. Really, one could say “a retard” and not be insulting the mentally challenged.

Turns out she loved the church anyway, introduced herself to head pastor and the rest of the gang, told them she was a friend of mine and had come on my invitation; I'm sure she was then asked “so where is Fishy anyway” and I can only imagine their response when she answered “I think he is sleeping...”

Well I have had to live down worse things.

Will upload pix and video of the event when i have the time. Peace