In the studio today working on the new new album, temporarily and affectionately nicknamed Slept with you, the Bastard little step brother of Sleep with you. The joke being that Sleep with you hasn’t even come out yet, and fuck who knows if it ever will. (ps—to all of our fans who expected to buy the album on its “official” release date of March 1^st, then April 1^st, may 1^st, and then June 1^st, our apologies. We seriously and sincerely hope along with you that it WILL be out by July 1^st.) But we are so far gone from that project now. We are holed up in Vancouver’s home studio madly passionately insanely and around the clock cutting tracks to this new new album. we have been waiting so fucking long for the new album to get the artwork done and come out so we can start playing and promoting that I think that we were all just going stir crazy creatively and we are so happy and excited to be playing together right now, you know, we’re like little kids, cause we all have the same influences and inspirations so we didn't even plan this. We just started writing in rehearsal and Vancouver was like “hey why don't we go record at my house?” and we were like “what? No producer? No real studio?” and so we did it. And then well then, we’re going to post a song on the site for you to check out, cause we are making the sickest album. So now the thing is we’re just lofi-ing this thing and doing whatever we want, all on our own. A few rules we've come up with so far: no real studio. No producer. No engineer. No worrying about what is commercial or sellable right now. no thinking about hits or singles. Do whatever songs we want. Don't worry about beginnings or endings, etc. So we cut our own version of tomorrow, 

The McCartney and wings song, and we’re gonna do a Sinatra song. And just write and record day to day, choosing songs as we go.  

Right now the Piano Man is recording his keyboard parts while Vancouver attempts to engineer him. Father Bloopy is passed out on the couch. I'm typing, and Vancouver is screaming “this is so exciting. Holy shit. Dudes!” we’re all high-fiving. Because I think for the first time we are actually making real music. 

I know for me there was a moment when we were creating this intro to tomorrow that we wrote, that as I was singing, between takes I think, I put my head down and started to cry, kind of more like weeping, only for a few seconds, because it sounded so beautiful, and I was so happy to be making that. no one saw me and I don't care if they would have. I just feel now that I have all of a sudden started becoming so much me now, so much who I really am, that I am filled with joy all the time. Especially with music, or with who I am as a musician. It just made me cry, cause I'm finally making music the way I always wanted to, the way I always knew I could, its starting to come out sounding like it always has in my head. So it’s a really wonderful thing.

And it’s fun to share that with the other guys. Cause they are so much younger than me some of them and its cool to be with them and to show them that we can just make our music however we want and really go for the FEELING rather than the HITS or the COMMERCIAL appeal, which is what most people do and now after all these years of going through that when I was a really young musician, I think that is what ruins your music. Who knows, that could be what stops people from being really successful or popular at music, cause they’re always trying to fit in with what's popular or commercial at the time or what some suit and tie is telling them. 

Went to the Turkish baths today for massage and steam and salt water Jacuzzis. Ooo yeah. 

Then we went to the clubs tonight. Not rock clubs, or cool clubs or scene clubs, but regular clubs, dance clubs, mainstreamers’ clubs. Top 40 music type places. The kinds of places where you see the people standing in line in the front waiting to get in. I always wondered why those people stood there like that just to get into a club, and who would want to get into a club that didn't want them in there, you know, if they’re not smiling from ear to ear at the door and shaking your hand because they are happy to see you like is the case in the kind of clubs me and my boys have been going to for years, then why would you possibly want to go in? Well I wanted to check it out. 

Pretty wild and crazy. This is where all the short-hairs hang out. All the guidos, and the chicks with the short dresses and low cut jeans and the ‘you're not going to fuck me” frowns on their faces. Every one is dancing like crazy and getting drunk. Total hedonism. Fun stuff. if you can bear being in this kind of crowd for long. And not actually talking about anything important or intelligent. And of course the music is dreadful. Combination top forty mixed with dance. They’re just dancing and drinking and trying to pick each other up. Again, just a totally different trip than when you go to more of a scene type of place where people are listening to more underground stuff and talking about this or that, politics, what documentaries they are working on or whatever. Just a very different crowd of people. These crowds are just dancing to the latest “50 Cent” tune or whatever dance song is happening in the moment.  

So less than an hour into it, I find myself on the dance floor just totally making out with this chick from Spain. And my friend comes over to me and he's like “dude, now do you see why we come to these clubs?!” and he high fives me. and I'm like “dude!” 

Yea and then like three hours later we see her making out with some other guy on the dance floor. And I'm like “o.k. so about this whole “free love” ideal I have. Its not so easy as I thought. 

But then we’re whizzing down the highway at 5 am in the morning listening to Dean Martin sing us home. And all was well.  

Current Spin: Dean Martin, the capital years. 

A lot of the pain over the last two years since I've been single—the trail of broken hearts as my friends tease me about, its just because you know when people are single, as I've been learning they really are looking for someone, really hoping to find a Mr. or Mrs. Right. And when you meet someone and you have this amazing time with them and everything seems great, but then maybe that person calls it off, it does hurt. And the tendency is to blame that person for hurting you. But deeper than that, its that we just feel so goddamn upset that they don't like us. So we get mad. Its like this what the fuck is wrong with me thing. And you know I never meant to hurt anyone. And I know that no one meant to hurt me. That one time the first girl I dated once me and Cleopatra broke up Kelli, and we went out for a while and then I find out one night she’s seeing her boss out on a date with this guy. And I was surprised you know. I told my boys. Man I'm so hurt I say. And they say get used to it. Welcome to being single bro. You'll bounce back. but I never faulted kell, cause she obviously liked this guy more than me even though we really hit it off. Six months later they were married. So who’s to say? She and I became friends pretty soon after that night. I started giving her tips how to play it with the guy you know. I couldn’t really be mad. I mean who’s to fucking say who someone is going to like. Its just a roll of the dice. Or more than that, its some kind of destiny. You can’t blame someone for not liking you and vice versa. I hate when girls get mad at me for not liking them. and I'm sure they feel the same way about guys, when guys won't stop calling them. I understand their pain, cause I've felt it, but it still hurts when they blame you for something you really can’t help. Cause after I am with a girl I want to keep knowing them and hanging with them anyway. I hate that whole attitude ‘well if we’re not going to go out then I don't care if were friends or not.’ That's a great way to know that you made the right decision when you break up with a girl, if she gives you that line.

Last Movie:  looking for an echo. This was a great movie. I think I'm going to get into doo wop now after seeing this movie.

Current Spin: alanis morrisette, supposed infatuation...

Me and the guys in the studio again tonight. We officially started recording our next album tonight. We laid down tracks for Tomorrow and I wanna know you. 

Our “new” album isn't even out yet, and that was the joke of the evening. But we are just so psyched to be together making music that we are getting off on so we just decided to start recording another one. Really great trashy rock sound. 

Me and La Princesa are back talking now. And that feels good. She is as high as a kite now that she is getting married. I told her look you know fine you get married but I still need your fashion advice and I still may need you as my muse artistically. I don't care if you're married. But for God sakes don't move to Sweden, cause I need you close. She sends me this great email back. Full of her usual critiques and a brand new plan for my wardrobe and makeup ideas. We’re always on the same page that way. I love that. She tells me “I read your diaries—they’re boring lately—since I left—stop talking about politics. Talk more about yourself and what you’re really going through—let your craziness out more. talk more about relationships!” I say well you weren't saying that when the craziness was with you... haha.

The stallion still won't talk to me. I email her now and then. No answer. Had dinner with Francis over the weekend and there was a time when she wouldn’t talk to me either. So that was great. We’re good friends now. We go out. She tries to give me pointers on talking to girls. Says I'm too shy. I need to be more like other guys and be more bold. Whatever. The day I start acting like other guys just shoot me. Don’t bother even telling me why. Just blow my head off.

Talked to the artisan for a long time the other night. Us talking now feels a lot better. I think were over the hump. Its not easy, being in relationships and then breaking up and then being friends afterwards. It can be. But it takes some time. Carmen is coming to work for me and the band. She and I hit it off great as friends now. This is ironic because we met when I interviewed her for a job. She didn’t get the job but we went out for a while instead. Now she's coming to work for us after all. Yea I guess its not that hard. I think it depends on how hard both people fall in love and how long it lasts and then how it breaks up. if there's any deception or lies or whatever then chances of a friendship are going to be a lot slimmer. But if both parties play everything straight up and you give it some time you can usually come out on the other side and become good friends. Me and Cleopatra still see each other everyday. Crazy. Heartbreaking really. We need a break from each other desperately. But we do our best. we’ll be at lunch or something, and I'll raise my voice and she’ll ssshhh me and I'll look at her like ‘what the fuck? we haven't been going out for two years. You’re married for God sakes. If I want to raise my voice I'll raise my voice.’ Its crazy. 

Went to the Road to see Jim Camacho play. Amazing show!!! This guy is on fire right now. He is just perfect. Spent a lot of time talking to Enzu and other guys in the scene about making a documentary about the Miami music scene. Meeting on Sunday to put a plan together. 

Thought you've seen it all? Bush and Blair now nominated for the Nobel Prize! This is really funny! Its not a joke. Reject this nomination by signing this petition. Please forward this email to others you believe share your concern. To view additional petitions, please click here: http://www.thePetitionSite.com 

Last Movie:  Rufus wainright video for April fools day

The irony of it all of course being that the woman I have loved more than any other in the last two years since I have been uninvolved is married with two children and lives three thousand miles away. [of course I'm told by those ‘oh so perceptive’ friends that its only because she is unavailable and impossible so that's what makes it so safe and appealing.] I would never do anything with her or even let on that I feel this way. out of respect for everyone. I really just want to be able to experience hanging out and making love to all of these great women that are in my life simultaneously, not necessarily at the same time although that would be great, but just intermittently. Without any hurt feelings or anger or possessiveness, but just because I love them all. and they all make me feel great and I don't think I'm the right one for any of them to marry or anything, so I hope they can see that and just enjoy knowing me and being with me when they can and enjoy what I DO offer them, rather than trying to box me in to what they think they need or want in their life and trying to make me that. that's the dream anyway. Whether or not one can make it a reality is a different story altogether. There was this one night with this girl from Mexico the other day, Claudia. She was amazing. 

Me and the guys in the studio practicing—to start recording more material.

“One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.”

I found that in my pda—I don't know who said it.

Last Movie:  the American president series part 2. “If a man hasn’t made a million dollars by the time he's thirty, then he isn't worth much.” Herbert Hoover said that in the early nineteen hundreds. 

Worked every day this weekend. Most days till 9 or 9:03 at night. No day off yet. But in the end, it will be worth it. Momentum trails all around me. Just huge leaps and bounds. That book peak evolution should be mandatory reading for everyone. Before you get your driver’s license or something. Like a bible, but better. 

As soon as I start thinking of something, I see it start to manifest around me. Getting good at noticing optimizers, blocks and flows. Investment bank contacted us about buying or investing in AF. This could be a great thing, an amazing thing. Cleopatra and I have worked together for too long. Time to let go completely. Big sighs of relief and cries of release the last two weeks realizing it and letting it all go—you can literally feel chunks of reality lift off of your body when you discreate or let go of things—you feel lighter, more free—this is how we explain miraculous healings of physical ailments or sickness or disease when someone heals something mentally or emotionally. You can actually feel it physically. Spent the last week cleaning and organizing my office and my hard drives. Deleting entire folders filled with years’ worth of files. Just letting this whole aspect of my life go. Filling garbage bags with years worth of folders and documents. Jumping up and down--celebrating the end of an era. And the beginning of a new one.

On the smoking front. The worst part is over. But there is something worse than the worst part when it comes to not smoking. The weight gain. You just tend to eat more. Its fucking crazy. I've gained 4.5 pounds. I swear to God I would rather die at 40 skinny than live till 70 fat. 

Last Movie:  Secretary. O.k. so what was that? Francis  recommended it. now I'm worried about Francis .  

Current Spin: Travis, the man who.  What an amazing album. amazing. this is like a Beatles album. every song is as good as the next. Its just beautiful.  

Thinking about.... can we become our own guru? Imagine that. become your own guru. 

Also starting to realize more and more that I/we need to be less “planny” and more “do-y” How do you write it? Plan less, and do more. Stay watchful of each moment and look for the optimizers and wham strike hard and fast like a snake does. Rather than plan every move. I mean, the truth is, we already know what were doing. We already know what we want. Our big picture most of the time has been playing in our heads for years, since we were kids. We just have to go for it. stop thinking about it. take more action. 

Current Spin: Muse: Origin of Symmetry. This is THE FUCKING BAND. My God. How does a band like this get away from us? from total world domination. And yet Justin, Britney, J Lo, Nelly, etc. are just everywhere??? How does this happen? I really don't get it. I just don't get it. what is wrong with the fucking picture? Now you get a better understanding of why someone like woody Allen or Picasso was so revered. Because they were good AND popular, whereas a lot of times, people who are popular with the masses are just so NOT good. popular or not, Muse is great. Check ‘em out. 

Extreme Fetish party. Picked up a few others on the way there. Girl says to me from the backseat, “you don't smoke pot, do you?” I think to myself, eyebrows raised, as I give her a glance in the rearview, “hhhmmm, when did I turn into someone who looks like they ‘don't smoke pot do you?” The irony. I spend ten years unequivocally looking like someone who “definitely smokes pot don't you?” and now... life is funny. Our constant transformation...

And so off we drove, by now a little past 1:03 in the morning, four strangers in a car, because none of us know each other—I was picking people up randomly who looked like they were going to the fetish party and giving them lifts. So four strangers flying down the highway. Introducing themselves, sharing where they were born, where they grew up, how they ended up in Miami, and even more telling, how they ended up in my car on their way to am extreme fetish party at one-thirty in the morning. 

We get there. By now we’re all best friends of course, having known each other for a good half hour at least. Walk in. Sex everywhere. Massive perversion. Deviance like nothing you’ve ever seen before. A human circus. Man plays the animal. Hungry desperate faces roaming aimlessly with the ‘can I play?’ look in their eye. Really just a massive orgy amongst not very good looking people. But adventurous nonetheless. A feast for the eyes and body if you dare partake. But over all, not much like the normal festivities, which are usually filled with fun frolicking fashion freaks and thrill seekers. This was just an excuse for total perverts and deviants to get in a room and freak out together, suck each other’s big toes, hang Baskets of eggs from their nut sacks, and walk around in diapers. Too many men. Too many older people. And too many uglies. A big thumbs down. 

Free love, just pure unadulterated free sex and passion, lust, and love amongst consenting adults is one thing. That whole Roman Greek Hollywood orgy thing is fascinating to me. But fetish isn't it. Fetish is a whole different thing. The fashion is cool. But its not what I'm looking for. That whole Playboy Mansion thing though is another story. Hugh Heffner in the hot tub with ten girls. [reminds me of this one time in school—I went to a “Christian” high school-and they would always have these speakers come to talk to us—and they were always these “reformed” types---they live these supposedly crazy awful lifestyles and THEN they find “God” or “Christianity” and you know then they drive around the country making money from telling people about it. so this couple comes in and tells us about their “horrible lifestyle” where they were always involved in all these orgies all the time in the sixties and seventies before they found God. And me and my friends who were 16 year old high school guys were looking at each other like “O.k.???? what's so bad about that????” Seriously though, this is really something that we need to research from a socio-psychological perspective and heal our whole speices—well maybe its just the Americans that need the healing, cause the French and Italians certainly don't seem to have these sex hang-ups. 

What is this trauma/phobia that religious people have with sex? What is their hang up? And why do they equate it with being so sinful? Its like they gasp. “Aaahhh! Sex! No!” but in their entertainment they’re so “ahhh, sex! Yes!!” I wonder what that is. I wonder if it is the old “what gives pleasure is wrong and if I avoid or give up seeking pleasure or things that give me pleasure then I will be enlightened/saved/good/pure/God-like/whatever.” That whole idea of us being born guilty and we need to be saved or forgiven our sins. We need something outside of ourselves to heal us or save us. the older I get the more I see that it is just a crock. I'm not saying we’re not born feeling bad inside. You know, it does kind of seem like we are. Or maybe we aren't, but by the time we hit maybe ten years old we start feeling kind of weird about ourselves---so that explains the ridiculous but understandable from a caveman-like mentality of “original sin”---and so yea that temptation to look to something outside of ourselves to get healed, saved, or forgiven is an easy play, especially if its brought to young people by people who are older than us. ‘look to this and you will be healed for your sins.” I think its important to keep it in perspective that we all feel that way—its not really a personal thing—we all have that weird feeling inside, like maybe there's something wrong, maybe I did something wrong. and no I don't think we should call it original sin or take on any of that bullshit about Adam and Eve or “accept that we are all sinners” or any of that crap. its just a sham. Look at these big fucking churches that are perpetrating these myths. These places are huge with these huge stone columns and high ceilings, like castles or something. You want to help heal the world? Stop telling us all this shit. I don't think it has to be through anything outside of ourselves. I think its just us accepting ourselves and forgiving ourselves and moving on. [I remember my uncle once telling me “Eddie, you don't know man, I've done some really bad things in my life.” and I was like “uncle don't worry about it, we all have. That's no reason to beat yourself about it for years and years. just let it go man. We've all done shit that haunts us. I mean, that's one thing you can be sure of. Everyone has. You have to let it go. love yourself that much that you can forgive yourself.] And within us all is the power to heal and save and forgive ourselves. And then we can start forgiving others. Yea.      

Celebrating a lot this last week. Feels like a party inside.  

Current Spin: Bee gees, main course. Researching the bee gees now. Checking out all their other stuff besides the sat night fever album. 

That sound man.

Found the best live vocal mic today, Neuman kms105. it sparkles. Worked all day and into the night. Then we saw ‘down with love’—great fun movie. Realized that I was totally out of gas. Meter said I had 0 miles till empty. Uh oh. So I get to this gas station and just as I'm getting ready to pump, a car comes hurling through the lot and crashed into the store! So they close the pumps! And I'm completely on empty. So I'm like man that sucks but I still have to get some gas. And they're like sir did you not see a car just crash into the store? And I'm like uh yeah I did but that didn't fill my car with gas. I'm still on empty. I need gas and I don't care if a UFO crashes into the store. I did manage to make it to another station—I bet they make those meters with a few extra miles in there just for people who ride it till the end like that. 

And then we were off. A beautiful night. Flying down the highway at 120 mph with the top down listening to this collection of Cole porter  tunes with all the original singers. I snapped a picture of what the lights look like flying by. Try driving 120 trying to take a picture with your Palm. Big fun.

Love the flower without the need to pick it. The experience of the flower is 

everything. The true experience of anything is everything.

Love in the moment is not a fleeting thing. Doing things one day at a time is 

not a lack of planning. In fact it is just the opposite. Being in the now 

connects us much more deeply than any plan for capture or ownership ever could.

The paradox is that letting go allows total ownership, but in another whole 

sense.

When you love freely you experience it fully. When you love in the moment you 

take away the power of the past or the future to ruin the moment. What is 

revealed then is so beautiful that it will attract itself again and again. 

Measures against insecurity don't necessarily lead to more security. 

Sometimes they just lead to more measures.

But love manifested brings us full awareness of ourselves and our ability to 

love, our trust in love. Then love will always be coming into our 

consciousness, into our lives in a beautiful way.

Who or what we love is not really the point. When we love we trust ourselves 

and the universe. That can never be betrayed.

Eman8tions

Copyright © 2003  by John MacEnulty

5/22/2003, St. Louis, MO

Current Spin: primal scream, xtrmntr 

The more that we suspend our belief in ourselves as the sole creative force in every facet of our lives.... such as when we think, “I wonder if this was meant to be....” or “I wonder if that's where I am supposed to go?” “I wonder if that's what was supposed to happen,” the more we do this the more human we become, the more human and powerless we stay as creators, susceptible to arcane constructs such as fate, destiny, or gods. This is where ideas such as “God’s will” comes from. Or “it was just meant to be.” I'm not saying it is easy to think the other way. This type of thinking—that we have the power, the potential, the capability to create our own experiences—is possible. I have experienced it on and off again for the last eight or so years. And when you're on, you're really on. Its like you're just in total flow with the universe, in harmony with the world around you. And you can do no wrong. 

But you know, sometimes you can throw yourself some curve balls and that's when people say things like “life can throw you some curve balls.” But life doesn’t throw curveballs. Life is as simple as birth, breath, and death. Its us doing it all, obviously in harmony with some sort of energy or force that is holding it all together (scientists call it the unified field theory and haven't figured out what it is yet, and religious people call it God---see this website http://quantumaetherdynamics.com/ ), and it’s easy for us to get sucked back into that mindset that someone or something else is doing something to us. it just seems hard a lot of time to feel like we are totally steering our own course. We want to call someone. I mean, how many times do we think about being able to pick up the phone and call someone, like God or a psychic or astrologer or counselor or whatever. “Hello? God? Hi, its Fishy. Can you please tell me what the fuck is going on here?!”

I think its important to feel aligned with the universal flow of it or with our higher self or with a higher power. Whatever that means and feels like to each of us, but there is this thing of free will. Free will meaning that we can decide anything we want and do anything we want to in every moment. The more we operate from this viewpoint the more power we seem to possess. And the less dependent we seem to need to be on outside forces. 

Went to see the matrix reloaded tonight. Awesome movie. Someone emailed me that Neo and Trinity were classic modern role models. This movie was a thrill. What a fucking relief to just sit there and take it all in. Of course there wasn't much of a story this time out and a bit too much action. It would have improved the experience if we would have gotten a little SOMETHING. But o.k., maybe next time. At least we got IT. 

It turns out that Robbie Robertson wrote a lot of those classic Band songs like drove ole Dixie down. You hear songs like that you just assume that they existed forever. Classics. Legends. You don't think, you know, that someone sat down and wrote that themselves. Wow. Impressive.

Exploring Kazaa. Say good bye to the music business as we now know it? The prophecies of the early nineties about the coming end of intellectual property protection and coinciding profits, or even revenues are now fully being realized right before our generation’s eyes. As I write this there are 3,816,443 users logged on to the network sharing 845,262,005 files of music, movies, pictures, or videos, or even word documents, whole books, magazine articles. Whatever song or artist I want to listen to while I worked all day I would just search for and download onto my laptop. I didn't even open the closet to my CD collection. There was no need. Every song I could think of was available OUT THERE. This is as utterly beautiful and mystical and magical as it is catastrophic and horrifying and disturbing. 

My prediction? Now that I'm sitting here doing it myself. (o.k. I admit I'm kind of cheating at being a cheater, because almost every song I downloaded I already owned that CD—just didn't feel like looking for it.) But still I did steal from Christina Aguilera cause I dig that song Beautiful she does so I admit it, I just totally stole this song. And I will listen to it maybe ten times twenty times. And she won't make a dime, and neither will the songwriter or the producer or publisher or the record company or anyone else who worked at putting it all together and spent their time and money and soul energy making it happen. Why? Because I stole it. That’s what's fucked about this whole thing. In a nutshell. I don't care what other people tell you. They probably aren't artists. They're probably more like techno-geek types who masturbated for years programming and fantasizing about the day this would all come to pass. They didn't see a naked Elizabeth Hurley in their wet dreams. They saw world-wide pier to pier file sharing. And they don't care that they are creating something that rips even themselves off, because they all live with their parents and never had and never will have any money. And hey who’s to blame them. It is a modern miracle. But who wants to live in your parent’s Basement all your life because you can’t get paid for your creativity anymore?

The government is going to have to step in and do something about it. Create a system that makes everyone pay a fee if they want their computer to be able to do it. Make it illegal to sell a computer that does not have a lock on it that can only be unlocked when you are caught up on your monthly fees. Just like electricity or cable TV or phone. I mean, we can’t just sit here and steal other peoples work all day. We’re doing it now yea because it doesn’t feel illegal. And the record industry itself comes off so stinky and greedy that it almost feels good ripping them off. $18.95 for one CD???!!!! Man that is fucked. I'll admit it. Any artist will. But its not us. It’s the fucking labels and the stores. They're bringing the whole machine down and they either don't know it or they don't care. O.k. enough. Hey, long live file sharing. But lets still make a living from writing and recording songs. I'm already broke enough. I don't need to suffer any more for my art. 

Current spins: Phoenix, Mojave 3, and Tahiti 80.

Went to the new Poplife tonight. Beautiful people. Groovy scene. Saw Jim Camacho sing tonight with his new band Waxburn, at Churchill's earlier that night. Awesome show. He makes you believe again. His voice is amazing. Good scene there tonight. Jim is great. Talked to The Toad  on the phone. Explained to him that if he was doing his thing in any other city in America he’d be huge by now a superstar. Miami music isn't suffering because of lack of talent. The industry needs to learn that. We just don't have a lot of rock music fans here. The talent is still great, like any town. But things are picking up here. clubs are starting to open up now, not on South beach but in the city itself, where American kids are coming together who are into pop, and rock, and non-hip-hop, Latin, or dance music and fashion—which is what most people in Miami are all about. But there is this whole underground starting to come up now around real music, so its really cool, inspiring. 

Current Spin: waxburn, hey hey hey.

Yea so if you smoke, no matter what it is, wow, what an adventure stopping is. I never wrote about it before. That’s a private matter. A man and his smoking. I just always pretended it away, denied it, resisted it. For a lot of reasons. One because I loved it. And two because I hated it. if you're young, smoking can be your best friend. And I think that's fine, you know. I'm not all anti-smoking. I am anti-cigarette companies and their whole deception and propaganda machine always promoting to us that its so cool and so much fun and you know smoking has never been fun. Its almost always the source of a lot of pain and tragedy for most people, especially the families of smokers. I mean, smoking is kind of a one way street. Once you hit thirty and you're still smoking, you're kind of fucked. Because supposedly it gets pretty hard to quit. And then everyone who loves you is fucked too because they're the ones who are going to live with your raggedy ass as you age and then die about ten times faster than everyone else around you. that's not fun or cool.

But still as long as you can kick it before thirty, smoke up, cause it is fun. That's the irony. And it gives you something to do. so yea when I hit about 25 I was reading these new years resolutions by all these celebrities. I was on a plane flying somewhere. And I was reading all these guys had the same resolution, Michael Douglass, Ozzie, Richard Gere, George Michael, they all wanted to quit smoking. And they were all talking about how hard it was and how they tried so many times. So I kind of freaked out cause they were so much older than I was and I thought, fuck, if I'm going to quit I better quit now cause I don't want to be some wrinkly faced old fart still talking about this shit twenty years from now. So I just told myself that I was stronger than all of them and I could do it. So one day I did it. I used everything available. I read books about it. Went to lectures. Did the patch. Took all these vitamins. I would get so drunk every night the first two weeks that I would just pass out just because I missed cigarettes so much. But I just told myself just do whatever you have to to quit. You can do it. so I did it. and never looked back. and that was great. And its been great ever since. It’s a great feeling not to have that always hanging over my head. 

Cannot stop watching The Last Waltz. I'm becoming obsessed with this band called The Band. 

Bas thinks I've lost my mind. This is pretty far from rock. “You're going redneck man. Don't let it happen to you.” And then this cat Dr. John. You know, you can understand this obsession we have with musicians making their music. Its like this deep expression of our souls and when you see someone getting really into it and doing a good job at it, its like they are expressing that for you. You can get off on music through them. and its more than just you know good music, cause a lot of times it doesn’t even have to be technically “good music.” No. its something else. Its something that you feel. The music can be absolutely perfect but that doesn’t matter as much as feeling that something special. When these guys are singing some of their songs that's what happens to me. And I guess I just never thought about it before, you know, that dynamic that creates us really getting into music like that. When brother Beav gives me advice about my music I always listen because I know he gets off on music like a musician does, even though he is not a musician himself. He can tell whether something is real or not. What the underlying intention is. So when he tells me oh that is so cheesy, I listen to him. You know, even though I end up doing my own thing anyway, but I still like to hear his comments. I remember this one time in college and my roommate at the time the white bear who was a few years older than me took me to this concert, I'll never forget it, lee Ritenour and Dave Grusin, and he was so into it. it was this soft kind of television jazz. I think that's a good way to describe it, although I'm sure jazz aficionados will off with my head upon discovering my total ignorance, but that's what it sounded like to me, you know, these guys write a lot of soundtracks for TV shows and movies. And I just couldn’t feel it at all. it just sounded like generic TV music to me. and my friends are like, “man aren't they good? you being a musician probably really appreciate these guys huh?!” and I was like, “uh, yea sure.” And I just had no clue how to relate to it. I just didn't feel it in my gut. I could hear that they were technically very talented musicians but that just never mattered to me. being good at music making, or being a good musician never mattered to me. I was always into the vibe or the art of it, I don't care if its through music or painting or making movies, or performance art. I'm not a technocrat. I could care less if myself or anyone else is great or even good at their art. I just like to feel it inside. I got a lot of friends right now who like to talk shit about the Strokes, saying that they aren't cool, that they are “wanna be Indie.” To me that's the same type of thinking that fucks all music up. when someone goes to their head like that rather than just feeling the music. I don't care if those guys were prep school kids living on their parents money and a total put together group. Who cares? That album fucking rocks and those songs are good. and you can tell that Julian writes from his heart. So what else matters?   

THE STROKES!

Getting into this little European group Tahiti 80.  Groovy tunage.

You want to really fuck with yourself? Stop smoking. no, seriously, for a really good bad time, just stop doing it and watch what happens. This is all I'm going to say right now. 

Hi,

We played this show the other night and I wiped my face with this towel and you know what towel it is? It’s that towel from the Ritz hotel. 

Do you remember that? And we said ‘o.k. well if we have a great time then we’ll know because I'll be using that towel for the stage.’ 

Well I don't think it turned out so well that weekend as I remember, but somehow I managed to keep that towel anyway.

But I like using it whenever I am on stage, because somehow I managed to escape the trauma of our short but powerful affair and walk away feeling like it was an amazing life transforming and very special experience for me. 

And now that I found out about you getting married it makes me so happy and your sister having a baby?!!!! Awesome. So you're next. So when I use this towel it will mean so much more to me now. Cause each time I wipe my face I am going to think of you smiling and cheering for me like you would do and painting barefoot and happy in your new marriage. And I am going to rejoice for that with my sweat.

Ps—don't stop painting just because you are happy.

Love always, Fishy 

Last Movie: documentary history about the American Presidents. 

Last great movie: The last waltz. Tried to watch this about ten years ago. Couldn’t get through it. saw it tonight. Thought it was so great. Goes to show. You know, if you know who someone who just never changes their opinion, watch out. Ha. The version of ‘night they drove old Dixie down’ is just so beautiful.  Sometimes I wonder if we have lost our really great music making with our lust for money and fame and all the MTV cribs extras that go along with it. I think that now, perhaps only temporarily, the art of music making has lost its authenticity. It exists obviously, but its underground now and doesn’t poke its head into the mainstream as much anymore. For example, in this movie—one concert, Joni Mitchell, Neil diamond, bob Dylan, Neil young, van Morrison, the band of course, muddy waters, Eric Clapton, and many more perform. and they're all like big stars in the mainstream. This movie, wow. It just makes you fall in love with real music making. And its really funny because everyone is so glassy eyed and baked in it. I mean even Neil Diamond high. Its just a classic. Its rock and roll.

Just got this marshall tsl 100 combo amp from eBay. And this has been my twenty millionth amp in the last year. No biggie. I go through a lot amps. I think a lot of guys. so anyway I wasn't liking it too much all of a sudden and I just had another one a few months before. but the clean does pretty much suck. And then all of a sudden it just blows up three days after I got it. which should be a bad thing, but it forced me to take out this ‘71 music-man 100 watt head I had laying around forever, and it just sounded amazing. we were all like ‘holy shit! That thing sounds great. That's your new amp!’ and I'm like, yea, but its my old amp!’ and then when I saw Eric Clapton on the last waltz he was playing what? You know it.   

Working on the Miracles documentary film now. Haven't written any songs lately. Uninspired musically. Haven't listened to anything except Doris Day and Schubert  for weeks. 

A lot of my friends are starting to read the Peak Evolution book. Its like a study group is forming among us. This book is a bible. It’s a wave that people are catching. 

This postcard I have. I have had it for about ten years or more. I carry it with me whenever I travel and leave it by my bed. It helps keep things in perspective for me day to day.

“One ought everyday at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.” Goethe

Last Movie: Martin Scorcese’s journey through American cinema.

Working so hard the past few weeks on so many different things. Can really feel the momentum. Tonight went to wallflower gallery to see the pawnshop drunks. A great band. Sound like seventies stones. Great songwriting, vocals, guitar, drums, they have it all. 

Went to see this amazing documentary called 1 giant leap. These guys traveled all over the world with a laptop and a video camera and recorded all these great artists performing over the same tracks all into this 32 track recorder in their laptop. Features tom Robbins, ram Dass, Kurt Vonnegut, Dennis hopper, Michael stipe, and many other singers and players from over 25 different countries. Awesome. What an idea. An absolute morsel. 

I have started to really be able to focus a lot more lately. Ever since that discovery and acknowledgement of the whole ADD thing. It was like once I noticed and accepted it; all of a sudden I am becoming aware of the patterns of it in how I work. I noticed the other day as I was filling out a form at the vets for my cat (she has trouble writing) that I would normally fill out the first line and then skip all the way down to the bottom line and fill that in and then go back up to the top somewhere and fill something in and space out a bit and before I knew it I was taking like twenty minutes to fill out a simple form. So I just deliberately willed myself to fill it out from top to bottom like you normally would. I have never been able to do this. I just didn't know what it was. I think becoming aware of something, you know, acknowledging it, is the first step to changing it. From there its just using your will to deliberately make the change. 

Played an amazing show tonight. This was a warm-up gig before our showcase next week. Took some ginseng before the show. No seriously. It worked. I was on fire. Vocals were great. I could have gone all night. Now its 3:03 and I can’t even think about sleep. Tonight I finally performed for maybe the second time ever the way I always wanted to all my life. Vancouver was great. A little sloppy but he is a master in training. Its like working with the Edge when he was a kid or something. He's a sonic genius. Melodic innovative experimental. Barely controllable though which is a little scary. But worth it. And without the Piano Man we would be just a garage band. 

Really getting into metallica right now. Seriously. These guys are so powerful. I just always avoided it because I never liked heavy metal. Now I'm listening to them with fresh ears. Wow. 

Welcome to the new age. Two nights ago I was laying in bed reading the live from New York Saturday night live history book. It was late. I read about their 25^th anniversary show they did a few years back. I couldn’t remember if I had seen it or not. I wanted to see it. o.k. So I lazily grab my laptop in the pitch black of the night, I log onto eBay and in less than a minute I purchase a copy of the 25^th anniversary special on DVD for $5 from someone who lives in Oklahoma. Today the DVD arrived. Amazing. God I love eBay. 

-----Original Message-----

From: Rosie

Sent: Wednesday, May 07, 2003 4:56 PM

To: xxxxx@transcendence.com

Subject: abortion

Hey Fishy, I'll try my best to get you those cigars.  I just thought I would ask your advice on something.  What do you think about abortion.....not me of course ( ha, I got you didn't I)....I went to this talk today on pro-life and found that I seemed to be the only one in the room (other than the speaker) with views against abortion.  I ended up having nearly the whole room against me and even had a girl who was a friend and I had had over to my house ignore me.  It seems like a hot topic over on this side of the Atlantic and if you are not pro-abortion then your seen as someone who is against freedom and human rights.  My stance is that I think a baby has rights and that a person who is responsible enough to have sex knows that there is always a minute possibility of pregnancy and if that scares them so much they should not be having sex.  Ok...so I know I might be militant cause I have not found my self in the situation but I would just like to know your views cause I know that you like me are quite opinionated and I respect your opinion! :)

Love Ro

Hey Rosie Posie,

Well that is a tough one for me.

I think it goes like this:

When you are young, you are a fool if you are not a liberal. When you are older, you are a fool if you are not a conservative. Perhaps the same thing has been said about being an atheist and a believer, or about abortion. 

When we're younger, it seems like no big deal. Get it done in the first few weeks and move on. After all it should be up to the mother. It's her body. It certainly seems like an open and shut case for human rights on the pro-life side--pro-mother's life that is. But alas, as we become older and more of our friends find it impossible to get pregnant, or lose their babies to miscarriage, or are forced to adopt for various reasons, it does seem to make you think about the possibility of creating it so people just have them instead and then give them up to other people. 

But then again we would have a lot more orphans out there just roaming around with no parents who love them. Because the thing is that if someone wants to abort their baby they aren't going to want to keep them around or take care of them, so what kind of life is that?

And the gov is going to do an awful job of it so it's like we are forcing that whole family into a real bad and tough situation. What if the child never gets adopted? How sad. But is that better than not being born at all? I don't think so. No definitely not. Even worse, what if the mom has the child and just totally treats it like shit and doesn't take care of it for years and years like we see in the inner cities and all that? That would be awful too. 

Although some kids get adopted and do seem fine and have great lives. Eddie Murphy is a great example of that for one. And so many others. I have two really good friends who were both adopted because at the time their moms didn’t think they could take care of them. And they have had amazing lives so far. But I digress. To abort or not to abort, that is the question. 

I just don't know yet. Maybe one day I will make up my mind. Right now I am torn on this issue. When I was younger I thought it was cut and dried. I wish I could give you an answer.

Just stick to your guns and believe in yourself. Your heart will guide you in the direction you need to go on this one and in everything else. You'll never let yourself down. People are fucked most of the time--very few realize that it is o.k. for other people to have their own opinion. So you have yours. Good for you.

Love,

Fishy 

Ps--don't forget my cigars or I won't let you in :)

Wow what a day. A guy from Atlanta Georgia flew down this morning to buy my old pick up truck I had when I was just a young struggling long haired rocker. I sold it on eBay. I love eBay. So he flies down and is driving it all the way back to GA now as I type. I said good bye to the old girl. We had some good times together. 

I talked with La Princesa today for the first time in a few months. She is getting married! Crazy. I just stared at the computer screen for ten minutes when I read her email. Combination sadness and joy. She just met this guy on new years. But she is so happy. It just goes to show, you know. we knew that it wasn't going to work out. That it wasn't this ultimate thing for us. and when you follow your intuition like that you can’t go wrong. it was hard for us to separate even though we had only been hanging out for a few months, but we really enjoyed being together and we got a lot out of it. but I followed my gut and so did she and then bam a month later she meets this guy and now she is getting married. Man it just goes to show. Don't hang onto stuff if its not ultimate. Move on and allow other things even better space to come into your life.

The funny part is that our new album is Basically a living breathing testament to the time that we shared together and other girls too. a kind of synopsis of all of those experiences. A lot of the songs are about her and her sketches are being used in the artwork. And she of course will be married to some other guy. I just laugh at the irony of it all. Would you like wheat rye or raison toast with that sir? There are a lot of things you can make choices about in this life, but when it comes to love you just gotta go with the flow. 

Went to see the movie The Politics of Fur, part of the Miami gay and lesbian film festival. There was enough gay men kissing to make me squirm like I was in a dentist’s chair for two hours. But that's not the funny part. Because of the title, I thought it was going to be like an activist film, you know politics and anti-fur campaigns. So the whole movie I'm waiting for something to come up about furs and stuff. but nothing. In the movie there was this baby Tiger. So I thought it was maybe about the Tiger since the Tiger had fur. By the end of the film I was like what the hell does this movie have to do about fur? Well it was a lesbian movie. So finally half way to my car I realized. I looked at a lesbian couple that were walking next to me and I said, “the politics of fuuuur. I get it now.” and they were like, “duh!”  

Later that night I had dinner with the guys. There was this beautiful girl sitting at a table across from us. and I couldn’t stop looking at her. She was gorgeous. But she wasn't holding her fork right. it was all wrong. it was like she never learned. She was holding it like a child. I couldn’t get it to make sense. Was that alone going to hold it up for me? the guys were like go talk to her. And I was like, no way man. Look how she's holding her fork.”

Current read: Live from New York. History of Saturday night live which is a really fun read. Still reading Peak Evolution. This book is amazing. Studying the history of the worlds greatest fashion designers now too. Up to Giorgio Armani. 

Last night I had this amazing experience with this coach out in Colorado. She does this work called intuitive something. We were working on a few troubling beliefs. Shyness, fear of not making money from the new album etc. I told her how I’d spent every cent I had on this new album and now its push coming to shove and you know I'm scared shitless if it doesn’t do well. I'm back to square one. So she asks me if I want to do some work on it. She gets all quiet and then all of a sudden she says I want you to go back to when you were nine years old and tell me what you see. I ask her should I try to remember where I was or lived when I was nine and picture something from then or what? And she says no, don't think, just let a picture bubble up from your heart. You'll know. Pretty crazy stuff but you have to trust the process as they say. So I tell her I'm seeing this scene where I'm in this music class at school and we’re trying to learn the recorder. I didn't know if was nine or not. So she uses muscle testing on herself and tells me that that was it. So we go to work on it. 

It was quite amazing. We had to learn to play this song by Simon and Garfunkel, el condor passo or whatever that song is called. I can’t remember the name, but whenever I hear that song up until last night it always gave me the creeps. Because back then I had such bad ADD that I could never focus on anything for more than like 03 seconds so I always did terribly in school. I never learned anything, for twelve years I didn't learn a thing in school. I was a straight D student who made it through on charisma and luck. And I always felt bad about this. Back then they didn't know there was such a thing as ADD. You were just considered a bad student. So here I was in this class trying to learn how to play the recorder and I just couldn’t do it. Everyone else could. Even the cheerleader type girls could do it. But I just couldn’t concentrate enough to hear what the teacher was saying. But back at my  home where I could be free to just do whatever I wanted in my own way and in my own time, I was already playing the guitar and the piano and writing my own songs. So it set up this strange dichotomy inside of me where I was always kind of lost in the real world, even in music class—like I was kind of an idiot who couldn’t even learn to play the recorder, let alone understand math or science, but I was comfortable in my own element and doing really well with music on my own. 

I was thinking more about that. Why is it when a girl is with a guy and then she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, then the guy is supposed to understand and just let her go. But when a guy doesn’t like a girl anymore he’s portrayed by girls as some kind of a Bastard or heartbreaker or something. Crazy. That’s just not right. 

Last Movie:  hall and oates live at musicladen in 1975. don't ask me why. but they did do an incredible version of rich girl