Thursday, September 30, 2004

Tonight I had drinks with my good Buddy Lance from the office. spent most of the night talking about business. I will miss him. business is a fascinating concept. It is an utterly worthless adventure were it not for the necessity to earn a living. And yet even when we are absolutely floating in cash the talk of business is still quite intoxicating.

I have been a self employed man of business since I was in my teens for the most part. My first real successful company having been started when I was 21 as I have recounted numerous times here. lance on the other hand has always been more of a school man. Straight a student, then college, then law school, and now a happy and content lawyer. I recounted my adventures in business over the last ten years to him as he listened intently. How I have made and lost millions many times over in the course of my short career.

We determined that the differences in our choices in life were two-fold, one because I was raised by parents who were both business people, and he was raised by parents who were academics. And two, because he grew up in a modest middle class household, and I grew up rather well to do until my late teens when my parents lost their modest fortune to their seven year divorce that cost us all millions. So all I could think of from that point on was getting that money back so I could live the life I was used to once again.

I am watching the debates from a live feed on my laptop. I have spent four years protesting and lamenting gw. But there is an inevitability about him... it is deeper, more fated than anything of us can recognize consciously. I can feel it when I am watching him speak. He stutters, he stops short, he pauses and goes blank for ten seconds at a time. but there is just something underneath it all, a certain power that seems almost unstoppable. I believe at this point that he has a good chance of winning; that Kerry, for better or worse, is not as charismatic a character. He makes more sense. Certainly more honorable and honored of a man. More accomplished. More respected. More in charge of himself it seems. But just very serious. None of the handsome devilish swagger that worked so well for Clinton and gw.

Honestly I don't even know what to believe anymore. Or who to vote for. I will continue to support the democratic side and promote the cause to my own little constituency, because at the least I believe them. I believe that Kerry and Edwards are honest men; as honest as politicians can be at this juncture in the American political system.

but honestly it isn't an easy call after seeing the beheadings now.

Bas asks me in the car today why I wanted to watch them. ‘because I wanted to feel what they felt. I want to be there with those men. Those men just as easily could have been us. those were American guys just like us. and instead of us it was them. and that sucks for them and their families and I wanted to be there with them and see what they went through and I wanted to experience it as much as I could. That's the heaviest shit going on anywhere on the planet. Period. Right there in those little fucking white rooms with those evil masked men cutting peoples heads off. That's it man. It doesn’t get more human and inhuman as that. and I believe that it is important for all of us to experience it.

‘but why should other people watch that? we already know what's going on,’ he says. ‘no man,’ I answer, ‘most people don't know what's going on. They hear about it and it goes in one ear and out the other. its just a little soundbite on CNN. The American people are not getting the news now because it is too homogenized and cleaned up and fastpaced and glossy. CNN has ruined the news. they have all ruined the news. they have turned the news into “the news,” instead of what it really is. ‘what is it?” “its fucking real life man. Its real shit happening to real people. and we don't get that from the news anymore. We get a really cleaned up glossed over fancy high tech three second reading of fifty things in an hour. on the top they have a dressed up smiling puppet head talking about some stuff and on the bottom they run a marquise talking about other stuff. each item gets less than a minute. So it becomes a haze of meaningless data. Logged in, logged out. if you ask me, its bullshit.’

‘this shit that's happening in the world right now is more important than three seconds on top while three seconds on bottom talk about who just hit 700 home runs. So I want to be there really feeling it with that guy. I think everyone should. For two reasons dude. Number one. so everyone can see what we started by going over there in the first place. we all need to not just know but to see and hear and smell and taste what invading Iraq has done. And two, because we need to be with those men at their deaths, we need to be with them in consciousness to help comfort their souls.

O.k. onto matters related but entirely different. Still studying the history of Israel every day. I read a page or two each morning and evening to really soak it in. basically the history of mankind. The history of the Jewish people has shaped all of our lives more than most realize.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Law of Familiarity

Beyond tired. Beyond exhausted. Beyond sad. Beyond lonely. Beyond broke. Beyond scared.

Fred the producer, really need to give him a name, he looks like that shepherding dog from bugs bunny, what was his name, meets with rockaway tonight to give him the rough mixes from the hit factory sessions. They basically have a ‘fishy session’ sharing stories about me rockaway tells me. Fred asks rockaway ‘how well do you know Fishy?’ ‘pretty well man... why?’ ‘I've known Fishy for five years and I still can’t figure him out. why the fuck is he moving to New York now? your band is about to explode. Your finally getting the attention you’ve worked so hard for, that we've all worked so hard for... you have a song on the charts, gigs coming up, You have a new CD coming out in a few days, and you just started work on a new album yesterday and he's moving. The guy makes no sense.’ Rockaway tells me, ‘dude, don't worry, I explained you to him. I understand you. I just told him, ‘look man, Fishy just needs to get into a new scene that suits him more. He needs a doorman, he needs better cappuccinos, and prettier skylines and fancier women to be inspired by. He's not leaving us. he's just getting into a place that's cooler for him. he's not leaving the band.’ I told him not to worry about the band. I'm not worried man. Should I be?’ ‘No dude. You hit the nail on the head. We’re still in a band. I'm going to be doing the same thing up there as I'm doing down here, but I'll be happier and I think because of that, I’ll be more productive for all of us.’ ‘yeah I know man.’ ‘thanks dude. I appreciate that.’

So now I spend a lot of my days having little goodbye sessions with friends around town. lunches and dinners and drinks. Good times indeed. Tonight I spent a few hours drinking with Tony the Tiger. While I had three beers he had ten. never seen a guy drink like that before. I don't know if he even caught a buzz. We talk about everything under the sun for three beautiful hours; getting to know each other better and saying our goodbyes.

I tell him he drinks too much and that I think its from a deep seated lack of artistic unfulfillment. Tony is an actor. He is still slightly famous having appeared in many famous soaps for the last fifteen years, guiding light, one life to live; he ended up in Miami working on one called ocean avenue. But now he doesn’t act anymore. Shares with me the story of Socrates going to see the oracle to ask about the meaning of everything. the oracle answers that the only thing to know is that we don't know anything. So that's why he drinks he tells me. because we don't know anything...

I share with him the story of me and white bear and a few comrades back in the college days. we knew. and we knew we knew because we knew that we didn't know shit, whereas most everyone else thought they did know. and so we had this thing about our group and everyone else around us. people either knew or didn't know. someone new might come into the group and we would check them out to see if they knew or not. You could tell the ones that knew, because they knew they didn't know. that none of us did. but alas, most people thought they did know. and so we had a pretty small group in those days. Madelyn still asks me behind closed doors sometimes when I introduce her to someone new, ‘she seems nice, but does she knoooowwwww?” she drags out the word.

We start talking about books. Books. Silly things really in the bigger picture that we were speaking of, but we indulged each other anyway. beer after beer and we pressed each other. We had read it all. already knew we didn't know. I like that about Tony. He comes off as just this goofy good looking actor, but then you start talking to him and you find out he's this varsity lacrosse captain, scholarship winning award winning ACTOR, capital A, and that he's already gone to the edge and looked down, read it all, thought about it all. you can talk to him. he mentions Celestine prophecy and the like and we both laugh. We go deeper, Hermann Hesse, lao tsu, Sartre, bloodline of the holy grail, Davinci code... I told him that by the time the Davinci code book hit that it was already old news to most seekers who had already known that stuff for years. first started to hit the intellectuals of this generation back in the early nineties. Just now the mainstreamers are starting to discover what a very few have known for millennia, probably since the whole ‘Jesus died on the cross and didn't marry Mary Magdalene and didn't have any kids’ myth was first started.

So there we were, at the figurative edge of it all. he downs another beer. ‘dude, you have to find a way to deal with this without drinking yourself to death. You’ve got serious leadership skills man. You’ve got the gift. And you're not doing anything about it because of all these crazy mysteries of the universe. I know where you're at. It sucks...”

He mentions the book, the alchemist, and he says ‘hold on,’ gets up and starts running. I swear to God I'm just sitting there at the table by myself thinking what the hell is going on. He comes back fifteen minutes later with a brown bag. I open it up and there's this gift-wrapped book in there. ‘this is for you. your going away present.’ He tells me. this guy is classic.

One more thing from what I can remember. He tells me, ‘When I'm on acid it feels very familiar to me, like I'm in the best play in the world that just hasn’t been written yet.’ yes my friend. I know what you mean. But I have given those days up long ago. I now feel that life itself is the greatest play in the world that just hasn’t been written yet.

In between days:
Working a lot on the law of familiarity.     

PATTANI, Thailand -- Thailand's prime minister has said security forces made mistakes handling a group of Muslim rioters and has expressed regret that nearly 80 people died of suffocation while in custody.
"I regret the loss of lives in a way that should not have happened, due to suffocation. I will order a committee to be set up to investigate the situation," Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra said on Wednesday.
[So it sounds like now Thailand is officially a “democracy.” M-mm.]

Tuesday, September 28, 2004


Today we spent all fourteen hours at the hit factory/criteria studios in Miami. this was time that we had purchased years and years ago that we just never bothered to use. Kept making album after album at other places and never used this up so for the last few months we have been rehearsing songs for this album knowing that we would go to this world-class state of the art studio and just spend all day and all night recording and try to nail down the rhythm tracks to all the songs on the new album in one shot. We almost made it. recorded nine songs. Plus an extra thing or two.

Memories. Tired. Past two am now. just want to capture the moments before they disappear into the events of tomorrow. songs were: we are columbine, messed it up again, blind eye, song for Jasmine, Solaris, all your heroes become villains, here it comes, she's so bad, all of my love (not the zeppelin song). I think that was it. jasmine won't go on this CD, but on the girls CD. we need one more rocker for this one and then it will be complete.

Memories: I love these boys and feel as horrified and scared and sad that I am leaving them to move as I am convinced that that is precisely what I need to do for my life. so I am caught between these strange feelings. Knowing intuitively that I am not comfortable here anymore and need to get back to the city, but at the same time wondering what the hell am I doing moving away from my band at the peak of our fucking careers as a group together. me and Infinito have been together for six years now, having founded the group back in 98. he was so stellar today. everyone was.

This studio is like forty years old or more. maybe fifty years old. ‘I feel good’ by James brown was record here. the rumors album. All the bee gees hits. Saturday night fever, grease, layla, hotel California, lenny Kravitz, bob seger, Iggy pop, American fool by John cougar, and all the Aretha Franklin hits, the list goes on and on forever. gold records line every wall in that place. REM recorded monster here, my favorite of theirs, and their last two or three as well. they just left a few weeks ago. Missy Elliot was in there tonight in another room. It was just such an honor for us to be there in this place of such infamy and history. And it really rose us up to this whole other level as a group. Fred the producer couldn’t believe how great we were. He spent most of the time just getting baked out of his mind but helped us out a lot with arrangements. He felt like a proud father, comparing what we were like today to when he recorded us for the sleep with you album two years ago. Impressed by how far we have come as individual musicians.

Part of me feels sad that we are not successful yet for how hard we work and how good we are. It is not hard to feel that sadness underneath it all. after all, objectively and in all honesty, I am at the peak of songwriting right now in my career, famous or not. I'm just peaking. But I'm not peaking for the masses or in front of millions of adoring fans, but pretty much just for the few who know and love us. and that's a small number of people.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Had to move out of the house of Opus because his roommate has five family members coming in from Spain tomorrow. so I went and booked the cheapest hotel I could find. $33 a night. lets put it that way. this place is a dump. Normally I would never, but I figure the more uncomfortable I am the better. That way I will compel myself to make the move even faster.

I spend all day and night at the office or the studio now anyway so what does it matter. But I'll tell you, it isn't as easy as you think it is to live this way. three months ago I was driving my convertible down the causeway to a 3000 sq ft house every night with my own private music room. Now I'm living out of a suitcase in a tiny little dive motel. I filled the hotel form out today when I checked in and in that part there where you put your address, I had to pause for a second... what address? Wow. I have no actual address right now besides my office. so I put that on there. Why did I do this again? oh yeah. To move to New York. O.k. fine. I can deal with it. but sometimes I just can’t believe that I'm really doing it. uprooting my whole life like this and moving someplace else all on my own. just me; and two huge warehouses full of stuff. haha.

What I am amazed by is how when people find out how much stuff you have, so many people have this attitude like ‘don't you/can’t you get rid of a lot of that stuff?’ I'm like ‘why would you wanna do that?’ I mean you don't spend your whole life collecting all this great stuff just to throw it away. at least I don't. I guess a lot of people end up having a lot of stuff that they don't really like or need. I can see that. but I have these two warehouses and I don't even have any furniture. A few good pieces. Nothing I'd throw away or sell. That's for sure. Its mainly just collections of stuff. clothes cds books art. Things like that. I think the idea of owning your own library is very foreign to a lot of people in my generation. They just don't get it --- that a man has a library full of valuable collections that he spends his entire life collecting and he passes it down to his children. I think maybe I come from a different age or something.

Anyway, just because its funny, when the movers arrived today at my storage units to give their estimate they looked at these two warehouses filled with boxes and no furniture except my bed and they are like what's in all these boxes? And I'm like, ‘books and vinyl and cds, media mostly. And lots of clothes’ and they gave me this look like I was crazy. like they were looking at a crazy man. It was very funny. Then they start talking they have to charge me more because they are used to moving furniture not boxes full of books.

When you think about it, now, looking forward, I guess we don't really need to carry around all these books and cds anymore. We can fit it all in our laptops now. I know that. but there is something very special still about collecting media in its hard copy version. I'll tell you this though, if we ever have children we can bet they aren't going to be collecting media of any kind in its hardcopy form. They're just going to be downloading everything into their ‘personal-who-knows-what's.’ but for me, I like sitting amongst a bunch of books and reading a little bit of each one on a Sunday afternoon while listening to a bunch of cds. I dig it. we stare at the computer monitor enough already.

I'm rambling because I'm homeless and careless and girlfriendless at the moment and just don't feel like going upstairs to this shitty little motel room I rented. Haha. but this is a huge change. One of those things I will always look back at. The time between worlds. not bad really. I have been surprised how easily I have adapted each day to the uncertainty of it all. I always took so much pride and gave such importance to my house and how beautiful it was and my car and my studio and my cats and the home I had there. and now when you have none of that, when you are between that, just living out of a suitcase like this with no place to call your own, you really need to look inside to find your happiness and to find your home. I have been really amazed and proud of myself at how well I have been doing it. I've found me through it. I'm me. and here I am. No matter where I live or where I'm staying for the night. its cool.

I was on the Internet tonight for hours doing more research on my ancestry. Working on my father’s father’s father’s father’s side; still trying to trace it back farther. To where they first arrived in America. Cannot get out of the US. every time I go back ten years to another census, something has changed with this guy, his age or his children. I don't know if they were just really dumb or just lied or the census researcher was making mistakes or what. But I am dumbfounded how the little things change. Maybe they just always told different info everytime for the fun of it. maybe they weren't sure so always made stuff up.

Anyway, I cannot believe that on my father’s side I come from such lowly roots. It is quite humbling. Having only been raised by my mother’s side of the family and hence only hearing about our aristocratic heritage etc... and then to be sitting in here in front of the computer screen and seeing generation after generation listing ‘farmer’ as their occupation on my fathers side, its quite humbling. In 1870 he is a farmer with a wife who cannot read or write and has six kids, soon to have a total of 8. his wife Sarah anne had their first when she was 14. He lists his real estate valued at $400 and his personal estate at $350. Not bad actually when you think of it. for the times I guess. states like Iowa, Indiana, Missouri, Virginia pop up... the kind of states I never think about. these are states that other people come from... not me I always figured. You just never consider that part of you and then one day you start seeing it there in your family tree... those kind of states, those kind of occupations. Wow. I spent hours tonight hunched over the screen looking for clues... I search and I search and I search and I cannot find him any further back. it is so frustrating. To not know where you fully come from.

My father knows next to nothing about his background. I am now well beyond his knowledge base of his ancestry. I don't know if I will ever know where they really came from. this much I do know: I am 50% Italian, 25% polish, and 25% ???American??? farmer. Wow. No wonder I'm so confused. The Italian part I've traced back for centuries and feel satisfied that I've gone back far enough for the meantime. I mean I visited all the little towns where they were born and raised for generations. That was great. Don't know anything about the polish side yet. that's really crazy. polish. Wow. But this last quarter... I just have to get all the way back. I have to know who I am. Or better, who we were. How did I get to be me? how did I come into being? What is in my blood? There has to be a way to find out.

My father always says ‘England or maybe Wales or Ireland or Scotland.’ Well hey man those are all different countries. It would be nice to know. [actually come to think of it, looking as far back as its going to be when they arrived on the shores of America those were all under British rule, so maybe they weren’t all different countries at the time...] I certainly look more Great Britain than anything else, so maybe that's why I'm so into discovering this last little bit. Either way, I just want to know.

Last screening: the forgotten. Good movie. And still studying Churchill every night before bed.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

I find it fascinating that now at the very end of my days here in Miami that I have met and made so many good friends. Real people that I feel very aligned with in many ways. The irony. Of course I am very excited to be moving to nyc just the same.

It is just past 2 am on Miami beach. The entire island was evacuated due to the hurricane. It is a dead zone. Opus and I decided early this morning that we would not evacuate but instead just go to the office and work all day. there was not a soul on the streets of this usually crowded little metropolitan isle. Worked at the office for a good twelve hours as I have every night for two weeks straight now including Saturdays and Sundays.

Came home, we made a delicious meal of pasta with garlic and fresh tomatoes. Drank a whole bottle of red bicycleta red wine from France. Opus works in the wine business so I have learned much about wine in the few short weeks I have been staying here. also because he is from Spain we listen to mainly Spanish music: lagrimas negras, estopa, la oreja de van gogh. Good stuff. Spanish, not South American, by the way, which is the norm in these parts. The majority of “Latin music” that is popular in the Americas is made in the Americas. South American or United States. But Spanish music is much different. It is very European and when you are listening to it you could just as easily be listening to music from France or Italy. They all have that same euro-pop vibe.

I am typing here in the middle of a hurricane by the way. these strong winds are howling through the house. the lights are flickering on and off. Phones are down. I have the sliding door open because I am crazy of course and well I refuse not to smoke while I write. So seeing that I cannot actually go outside because there is a torrential rainstorm out there flooding the streets as I write this, I choose instead to sit by the sliding door with it open, huge gusts of wind and gallons of water hitting me in the face every few seconds. But I smoke and write anyway. Because that is what I do.

Current screening: Churchill. Three hour PBS documentary on the old lion. Good study material.

Current read: ironically just I had met Ariel, the Israeli girl in nyc a few weeks ago, I found this book at this apt I am temporarily staying at called ‘Israel: triumph of the spirit.’ So I started to read about the history of Israel and the Jewish people. as I have a hundred times before. something apocalyptic inherent in them and of course no one knows why exactly; its just there... on the one hand they're the most well read intelligent peaceful kindest people you could ever want to meet; on the other hand, everyone seems to be afraid of or threatened by them for some reason.

Having grown up in South Florida in my early years, many of my friends were and still are Jewish. I've never felt that threat, even though antisemitismanti-semitism was pounded into me from an early age from my grandparents. I never took it seriously though because all of my Jewish friends always seemed nicer than my own grandparents were.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Yet another hurricane is hitting South Florida. Reminds you of all those Nostradamus/Edgar Cayce/bible predictions about the end of the world.. that's four hurricanes this year. but as I was walking through tropical storm force winds today barely able to stand up, I was thinking about the whole end of the world scenario that the various religions love to look forward to, and honestly I don't see it happening. Supposedly, the whole southern tip of Florida is supposed to go back under the water, more than half of California is supposed to be destroyed by earthquakes (o.k., that one is plausible), and the island of New York is supposed to get destroyed and go back under water... About Florida though, I'm thinking about it, and even if we have twenty hurricanes in a row, Florida is not going under water from hurricanes. Maybe from severe tidal waves for days at a time or something... but not hurricanes. California on the other hand, well, I wouldn’t live on an earthquake fault line if you paid me to live there, let alone the other way around. That's just asking for trouble. They could go under any day and not even be warned about it. just one day, bam! Earthquake. Not for me. so I think Florida is safe. But I guess we will just have to wait and see. You can certainly get yourself in quite an uproar if you start paying too much attention to all these end of the world predictions. I used to be obsessed with it, but I just decided that it wasn't being much of service to myself or anyone by paying attention to it. when it comes to hurricanes, we are lucky in the fact that we have plenty of warning with them, unlike tornadoes or earthquakes. We just can’t totally predict where they are going to strike, and we can’t get them to go away. Opus and I were amazed when thinking about it how there's no number or anything that we can just call up and say ‘hey we love your whole hurricane idea and all, but its been a bit much lately. How much to make it go away? Like all Americans I am confounded whenever I discover that I cannot buy my way out of something. unfortunately natural disasters are one of the few things that fall into that category. Here is basic info about hurricanes and what the hell they are.

Date, what date?

Dear Jules,

Yesterday I wrote the below, and rambled some reply... in response to your email. got busy, never sent it, then decided not to because its just me rambling. But I will use it for something. post it to the diaries... at least I can use it for the diaries, the great American online novel experiment... I hope you don't mind I steal our lives for my life’s work. All part of the great work the psychic told me about years ago. God that was fifteen years ago he told me about me becoming famous for these things... me rambling about my life he said... he told me it would be my life fictionalized or perhaps fiction that was portending to be my life... he couldn’t quite get his words around what he was seeing but said he was sure about it and it would come when it was ready... and that I would know when it happened... at the time I had no idea what he was talking about and thought he was clueless. I just wanted to be a singer at the time. Little did I know... 

See Below for some interim chatter: wish us luck here, another hurricane is headed our way... and me homeless at the moment down here. I have an apt in New York already but unable to get there due to my office being here and having to be so busy working for all the band niz right now.... and trying to figure out how to get all my stuff to the city. so I'm here just living out of a suitcase. Strength you said. Yes strength has been the major calling card as of late.

Keep up the reiki. Till I get moved in up there. you are one hell of a beautiful person and I appreciate the positive vibage floating my way. and if my being a guinea pig is helping in any way, then great. Feel free to check back for objective feedback.

See below for more:

Friday, September 24, 2004

The time is punctuated by long hours spent alone working. Lots of strangeness. Being without a car when you are used to having one is a strange phenomenon. In New York its no prob, well I take that back, it is still difficult. But being without a car in a city that isn't designed for that can be quite daunting. You tell your cab driver to stop at a local store so you can grab a few Starbucks double shots for the morning and by the time you get out the meter reads eight or nine bucks. Add that to the cost of the double shots themselves and you're talking some pretty expensive espressos. Band trying desperately to obtain booking so we can tour. found out that superhero girl hit number 15 on wlir in long island, New York. At the same time we were top five in Gainesville, FL. and here we are without a booking agent to go visit these towns. Rock and roll is not easy. even if we get the gigs, if they don't pay a lot, then we are still stuck trying to find a way to get the cash to pay for the bus or van and the traveling and lodging expenses.

I now understand the whole “where are they now” syndrome that affects so many artists. One minute they are top ten and you see them everywhere and then a few years later you haven't heard from them in years and wonder why they aren't out there making it happen. well that's why. cause it ain't that easy or cheap to get out there. even if you have fans that are buying your music and who want to see you. crazy business.

“I'm just too shy.
You're shy?
Yah. My God, you're the exact opposite of that. you're dripping with bravado.
Wow. Did you just make that up?
Yes. but its true. how can you say you're shy? Bloopy is he shy?
Don't ask me. I'm too shy to answer that.
How the hell can you know me for so long and not know how I am shy? I mean, except when I'm dripping with bravado that is.”

Note to self: “dripping with bravado”

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Real quick for the record. Two Americans have been beheaded –what this means is that these men in masks throw a tied up and blindfolded man down on the ground, they then take long knives and they saw the mans neck until it comes off. Sometimes they start from the front and sometimes they start from the side. The whole time they are sawing the man is screaming madly, like an animal, the most desperate screams you have ever heard. When the knife gets to the throat or voice box the screams start to change depending on where the knife is; the man is still alive and he is still in dire pain, and his screams start to sound like a pig at slaughter; his body wiggles and struggles as men hold him down and the one man keeps sawing away at his neck trying to get his head off.

This has happened twice this week to us here in America. For those who don't know about it, they go about their days. For those of us who have seen the footage we will never be the same. I am changed inside and outside. I am confused as to what we should do. The president of France said yesterday at the UN meeting that America shouldn’t have attacked Iraq and that by doing so we opened up a Pandora’s box. He then left early and did not stay for president bush’s speech.

Today the president of the United States spoke at the UN. He smiled and posed for pictures. I felt ashamed and disgusted that he could smile at all for pictures because not less than two days ago two innocent Americans had their heads sawed off and it was broadcast all over the world. the families must be so grief stricken that they can probably not take being alive right now. I pray to God they did not see the footage. I do not dislike our president. I respect him. and honestly he seems like a good old boy that you cannot help but dig. But I feel that he needs to be acting more aware of what just transpired. He needs to be in mourning right now in the public eye. He needed to hold a candle light vigil for these innocent victims of his war. He needs to be dressed in black and showing the world that he is taking the losses of this war of his seriously and that it isn't all just business to him.

Kofi Annan has said that the American president broke the law by invading Iraq. And again today after the president spoke he gave a speech that said that now we are seeing laws broken everyday and a complete disregard for the law. Of course he did not specifically mention America, but it was obvious from the attitude he has had about our invading ever since we first started talking about it. The general tone of the UN nations is that the president is a defiant pit bull that goes around doing whatever he wants regardless of public opinion or law. Of course they are right; we have been doing that now for the last fifty years. Ever since we dropped the bombs on Japan. But bush has stepped it up even more now.

Still, as a citizen, I'm not sure if that's not exactly what we need right now to fight all these freaky little terrorist groups that are popping up. I mean, if it comes down to it, maybe we just need to bomb the shit out of every Muslim nation in the world till there are barely any left to attack us; and the thing about it is that bush is probably the best man for that job. You can tell that he wouldn’t be against doing something like that. Like when Truman dropped those bombs on Japan, I forget the exact number and don't feel like looking it up, but I think he killed more than 300,000 people. Japan has been our bitch ever since. And because of that bombing we have things like walkmans and plasma TVs so thank God for that.

Maybe bush and his evil consorts are right. Maybe we just need to kill a lot more Islamic people until we get all the terrorists. We’ve killed over 40,000 Iraqis in this new war. Imagine that. 40,000 people in little under two years dead... frankly I still think my friends and I got it right years ago: take some cool American companies and open them up all over the Middle East. Dell, compaq, Microsoft, American express, McDonalds, and put these people to work. These men are so happy to saw other peoples heads off or fly planes into buildings or drive cars into cafes with dynamite up their bum, all because they think it is going to give them some honor. And you couldn’t talk an American or a German or an English man into that for a million bucks; because we just have too much honor in our hearts already. I mean maybe for a million, but I doubt it. But these people, they just must really not feel a lot of honor inside of themselves, in order that taking these actions for the sake of honor are making them feel so good about themselves.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

There seems to be an overwhelming volume of bad news and tragic events bombarding us everyday in the news now from all over the world. it is almost unbearable to attempt to keep up with international news. But I notice that on CNN and other news sources that they slip in these really silly innocuous lifestyle stories like “wonder dog loves to skateboard” or ‘Japanese go crazy for oil painting monkey.” So right below “Second American beheaded in Iraq” or “Over one-thousand slaughtered in Sudan over weekend” we learn that “Mr. Jed Smothers of Omaha, Nebraska grew the world’s largest rutabaga.” What I wonder is if there is a deliberate motivation on the part of the news teams to throw that stuff in there in an attempt to help soften all the tragedy lately. Or is it just random craziness that is being a human in the world today?

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

"How to not make any money and go bankrupt in one year or less guaranteed from running your own record label." My new book. Double your money back guarantee...

Last screening: vanya on 42nd St. Louis malle directs Wallace Sherman, André Gregory, and the delicious Julianne moore. Brilliant dialogue. This is one of those rare works of art that every man needs to experience once, and then again, and again. it is just magnificent.

Check this out. I think it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read or seen:

VOYNITSKY. [To SONYA, stroking her hair] Oh, my child, I'm terribly depressed; if you only knew how miserable I am!
SONYA. What can we do? We must live our lives. [A pause] Yes, we shall live, Uncle Vanya. We shall live through the long procession of days before us, and through the long evenings; we shall patiently bear the trials that fate imposes on us; we shall work for others without rest, both now and when we are old; and when our last hour comes we shall meet it humbly, and there, beyond the grave, we shall say that we have suffered and wept, that our life was bitter, and God will have pity on us. Ah, then dear, dear Uncle, you and I shall see that bright and beautiful life; we shall rejoice and look back upon our sorrow here; a tender smile -- and -- we shall rest. I have faith, Uncle, fervent, passionate faith. [SONYA kneels down before her uncle and lays her head on his hands. She speaks in a weary voice] We shall rest. [TELEGIN plays softly on the guitar] We shall rest. We shall hear the angels. We shall see heaven all shining with diamonds. We shall see all evil and all our pain sink away in the great compassion that shall enfold the world. Our life will be as peaceful and tender and sweet as a caress. I have faith; I have faith. [She wipes away her tears with a handkerchief] My poor, poor Uncle Vanya, you are crying! [Weeping] You have never known what happiness was, but wait, Uncle Vanya, wait! We shall rest. [She embraces him] We shall rest!

Monday, September 20, 2004

Received this from an activist friend from San fran:

Dear Fishy,
The bush fire is a spectacle. Don't believe the hype.

But Kerry sucks too.
Someday it would be refreshing to vote for someone who represented interests i actually believe in and support and still had a chance of winning.

I hope you were able to make some good connections while in NYC. if estimates of 500,000 are anywhere near accurate i think that the protests were worth it. the accomplishments are usually hard to measure. in a way we succeeded not so much by what we did, but by what we didn't. what we didn't give them was the photo op of "chaos in the streets" they would have liked to use against kerry. we were able to gather in numbers unprecedented in the history of protests of political conventions. it was a good chance for different groups mobilizing against bush to network and meet face to face. the real results will come nov. 2, when and if the elections take place. if bush wins, there's likely to be a global outcry of disgust and mourning. the streets will be filled with pissed off people for sure. if kerry wins, great, but there still needs to be as many people as possible demanding that he actually make real shit happen and steer this nation towards a more functional democracy. otherwise we can expect the same bullshit as before but with a seemingly more benign approach.

I’ll make sure to say hey to Red for you.

Be well my rockstar friend,
They beheaded another hostage today in Iraq. Our hearts mourn and suffer. we watched the video for a few seconds till we couldn’t take it anymore. Nauseous, disgusted. There is something inhuman and un-natural about this action if it is truly real. Many claim that it is not real. That it is propaganda by the us government. Of course we can never be sure. But let us assume that it is real. They aren't beheading people like you would think. they are slowly cutting their heads off. It is awful. It is so disgusting, unfathomable and inhuman that as lance told me today, ‘we are not fighting modern human beings here. they are so barbaric with the way that they treat their women and this beheading thing they are doing... they are from another time, like Vikings or something, like the Goths, or some barbaric tribes from thousands of years ago... we have no idea what we have gotten ourselves into. sure we defeated Saddam and his little army. That was a no brainer. But will we ever win Iraq? At this point no one knows. all we do know is that it is a lot worse today than it was a year ago. Will the country or its people or us for that matter ever be safe? We need to send more troops over there. unfortunately that seems to be the inevitable answer now that we have stirred up the bees nest. Now more than ever it seems like a hotbed for terrorism and violence.

Over 80 United States contractors have been killed so far over there. media doesn’t talk much about it. But every few days some innocent American hoping for a big payoff gets whacked. That's the risk they take by being over there. its like the devil’s triangle over there right now.

Last night a realtor from nyc kept me on the phone for over an hour attempting to convince me to vote for bush in November. ‘look Fishy, you seem like a smart guy. you remind me of my son. He is in college now in Germany. Don't you see, these people hate us. they have always hated us. they have one goal and that goal is to destroy Israel and to destroy the western world. that has always been their goal. We need to finish this fight once and for all.’ ‘but don't you think that we just made things worse by going over there and invading their country?’ ‘that's what they want you to think Fishy. but don't you believe it for a second. These people hate us and its better that we show them that are going to stand up to them at all costs. This is an important message that we are showing them in modern times. that we are strong and we are going to kick anyone's ass who threatens our way of life or our freedom. Hear me now young man. I really hope I helped get your vote. We need your vote Fishy. the country needs it.’

The truth is that he almost did convince me. Kerry seems so damn convoluted and wishy-washy that frankly having someone as forthright and determined in the office of commander and chief may be what we need right now, even if he appears to be on the surface one of the most unenlightened leaders we have ever had represent us in recent memory... frankly I'm not sure anymore what we need. all I do know is that I just wish all of it would end.

Last screening: Kill Bill 2. fucking unbelievable. First ten minutes is the tensest most engrossing you’ve ever seen. you walk away from this film and you are convinced that you’ve witnessed a master at his art. The guy’s a genius. Face it, he can make some bad movies Dusk till dawn –something like that – dreadful). We all can. but when he's good he's damn good. he's going to make it, going to go all the way.

Current spin: kings of convenience. This is great music. dig it.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

We see this thing on TV that Louisiana passes the ban on gay marriage with something like 76% of the votes. Guaranteed that one could probably draw a smooth correlation between the high number of votes this received with a low average IQ scores that one may find in the state if they looked a little. Opus laughs out loud when he sees it. ‘I'm not necessarily for gay marriage but I'm not that against it either he says. I'm not so homophobic that I think that we need to pass laws banning it. the last sigh from the dying old dragon I say. He laughs. we both notice that the TV airwaves are filled with number one hit shows featuring and all about gay people, like will and grace and queer eye... but then on the other side you have these same people running to the polls to not let the gay entertainers have equal rights. Its classic America. Always trying to find that balance.

Prob is he explains is that the mainstreamers are afraid of what it may do to marriage or what about children. What if these gay people start adopting children for gods sake? ‘well hey man,’ opus responds, ‘I'd rather a thousand people grow into being gay than being a criminal, which is what happens to a lot of people if they stay in orphanages and don't get adopted, because they never got any love in their lives... So I'd say let the gay people adopt as many kids as they want to...’ yeah man. Let the gay people get married and adopt and get the kids out of orphanages so they don't rob us in twenty years. word. Whenever you find people trying to limit the rights of others you will find fear underneath it. help the people overcome their fear and you will help them open up and allow others the same rights as they themselves enjoy. That is the mission of the few the proud the enlightened all the world over. These people who are trying to pass all these anti-gay laws are just scared. I totally see where they are coming from, but we cannot allow their fears to run our lives or anyone else’s.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Last night a vision. no not that first. This first. More important.

Last night in a dream I met you again my love. There was this moment where we met and I immediately started kissing your shoulders and neck playfully. Do you remember? I wonder? I dream of you every night now. do you dream of me? how happy and natural I was kissing you, as if I had known you forever. the dreams come so often now that sometimes I forget until a few minutes into my waking hours. Where ever you are, now I know you are close. I know that you exist now. and I cannot wait to meet you.

Careless and homeless now. temporarily renting a room at some friends’ house, living out of a suitcase, just me and my laptop and my guitar. Everything else I own stored in this giant warehouse. Much fun. great feeling of liberation. I basically just spend all my time at the office now. fourteen to sixteen hours a day. go back to the little room and watch a DVD on my laptop for a few minutes and then fall asleep. Wake up and head back in to make it all happen. phone Internet phone Internet phone Internet phone Internet phone Internet.

My current host Opus is from Spain. A small village there called Huesca. lives here now part time. he works in the wine business.  everyone from the executive office / shared office space that I have met is cool, self employed entrepreneur types. Such a difference between these people and normal nine to five people. many of them, like myself, are in that office seven days a week, working till eleven o'clock at night every night, building their businesses. Each of us knows what the other does and inspires the other. Opus is building his wine business. Marc is building his graphic design business. Ted builds his law firm. I'm building our record company. Its very cool. if someone goes home early, say, at nine pm instead of eleven, we give him a hard time. ‘man, you're going home pretty early, what's up?’ its funny. Anyway, I'm staying with opus for a few weeks till I move to New York.

This morning at breakfast talking with Opus about inventions. I whip out my black book and tell him, ‘thank you, I just remembered I had this vision last night right before sleep.’ ‘oh man, do tell. What was it?’ I explain how in the future we already know that our computer monitors will be projected up into the air rather than on a screen or monitor. We agree. And also, that they will be three dimensional, holographic. Yes, agreed. But last night I had this vision that I was able to move my screen image around the room with a pen control or a remote of some kind. That it wouldn’t be obligated to be stationary. In other words, if you were in the other room and I was looking at something cool, I could just drag and drop my whole screen over to you in the other room. This three dimensional holographic image would appear in front of you just by me dragging it over to your direction. Wow. O.k. now we’re onto something. yes this will happen. i saw it last night...

Flashback: 1997, I am in the shower and I have this vision of us all being tapped into this infinite web of consciousness through our own personal servers that are somehow in every room of our house. even there in the shower. we have the possibility of seeing the content – with permissions – of everyone else's personal servers. So when we wake up and ‘plug in’ or ‘tap in’ we have the option of seeing an infinite amount of content from millions of other users all over the world while we are bathing or eating breakfast for instance... millions will have their own blogs. Their own voyeur cameras hooked up at their houses filming their every move. And we will have the ability to view all of this, focusing only on what we want to in that moment.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Human Needs

What I've come to understand, at least from my own limited view of reality, is that sex is a human need. it is one of the many human needs, along with things like food water shelter and love and so many more. If you do not have sex you will dream about sex; because you need it. the body needs it. the mind needs it. I cannot imagine the pain and torment of the catholic clergymen and women who hold onto archaic belief systems that tell them that they must refrain from something so natural and human as sex in order to live the spiritual life that is our God given right while we are here. that has got to be frustrating. To wake up in a sex dream and be forced by your own beliefs to feel guilty for it. or to desire to give yourself or another pleasure but have to constantly tell yourself that you cannot and that it is wrong somehow. it is truly inhuman.

My own personal belief is that when the catholic church evolves out of this archaic belief of sexual celibacy in order to be spiritually pure, for after all there is nothing more pure than sex if done in the right way –- is there a right way? probably not – then they will then and finally then be ready to fulfill what they have always held the potential to do here on earth. I believe in their mission statement so to speak, as with many of man’s religious systems, just not too impressed with the execution as of yet.

But sex is completely different than love and relationship. They are inter-related but only to a certain degree. They are very different, fulfill different needs. Sex is one thing but it is not to be confused with love or relationship.

Ps –- the people in and of the scene, any scene, whether the art or movie or music or religious or money scene, always tend to over estimate the importance of it in the bigger picture. and ironically the people on the outside of the scene, any scene, always tend to underestimate the importance of it and the power in it when they are on the outside of it.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Received this from rob Breszny today, along with every other Libra in the civilized world:

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): "I lost the plot for a while," says a character in
 Nick Hornby's novel, *High Fidelity.* "And I lost the subplot, the script,
 the soundtrack, the intermission, the popcorn, the credits, and the exit
 sign." I'm betting you could have said something like that recently, Libra.
 The story of your life seemed to have been whisked out from under you
 and banished to the wilderness on the outskirts of limbo, where the
 wasteland meets no man's land. That's the bad news. The good news is
 that while you may never recover the plot you started with, you'll soon find a brand new one that's better than the original.”

The amazing thing is how completely accurate he is most of the time. I don't know if that is a testament to how gifted he is or how utterly will-less I am, and how much I am at the pure mercy of the mechanizations of the universe. But regardless, a more suiting summary of my last three months couldn’t have been written by me personally. I have been so plagued by a general feeling of homelessness and not belonging in the life I am currently occupying that I am not shocked at all by this sudden and mysterious re-occurrence of panic attacks a few weeks ago.

[Luckily none since. as long as I keep plenty of Bs in my system and keep the caffeine intake down to two a day they stay at bay. Interestingly since their reoccurrence I have mentioned it to a few people and have been surprised to hear that a lot of people are experiencing similar symptoms. Not knowing what it is. thinking they are going to die and feeling as though they have to go to the nearest hospital or at the least making appointments with their doctors. I think it could just be the combination of our horrible diets here in the states now and the high levels of stress we have now in mass consciousness in general. Take a look at this: the top five headlines on today.

• Ivan evacuations begin along Gulf Coast
• Baby tossed from car during police chase |  Video
• Fire-rigged letter sent to Schwarzenegger
• Guilty plea in $50 million identity theft
• Sisters in jihad
Female terrorists are becoming more common
• Russia adds $5b to terror fight
• Pictures show horror of Madrid train blasts

This is the world we are living in today. what a mess. at least according to CNN. IF you pay attention to what's going on. Its insane. Not that it hasn’t always been insane because certainly it always has been for us . the human condition is at best barely bearable. I would dare say that our best bet to maintain our sanity would be to avoid paying attention to the world around us entirely and just focus on the things that make us happy and content and do our best to spread that feeling around us as much as possible. I am convinced that the world we live in will always be filled with chaos madness despair pain agony deception vices murders tortures rapes hangings beheadings gripes battles lost environmental degradation genocides and general human suffering enough to make even the most heartless among us lose a little sleep now and then. The key as it has always been is to focus on the simple pleasures that make it all miraculously worthwhile: art music love truth beauty friends and family.

In other news, I had a marvelous dinner with a friend from the TMG offices tonight. my first official day back in mainstream reality. We went for sushi and discussed everything from fractal theory and madelbrot sets to seeing beyond the known to get to the known unknown. Break through to the other side of that and there you really have something. drank six bottles of cold saki and ate more sushi than should be legal. A glorious night. there is intelligent life on South beach after all.
Every moment it is as though SHE is there, around the corner, any minute we will bump into each other... and this is funny, because there is this girl in New York that I met that I instantly loved, but there are problems with it... and of course I never stop thinking of Juliet. Even when I'm not thinking of Juliet, I will dream of her. I think its hilarious at this point. She is so not my type but there is just something so appealing about her. I am sure it is the fact that she is three thousand miles away. LOL.

No matter who she is, she is close. Now I dream with her every night and feel her presence inside of me and around me. It is uncanny how I can feel it now. on the trip last week when we were all partying in the hotel room after the shows with all these girls I had absolutely no interest in the girls. It was very weird. Like just no interest. Because none of them were the one. so it was like I was turned off to them completely except just as people; just girls in the room. not trying to fool around with them; Not turning it on or trying to flirt or anything. I was even shocked. But I really feel this other presence now. as if it is all around me and I just don't see it.

Now of course this presupposes that she as well believes in the whole soul mates thing/marriage for life thing/meant to be together thing. remember, there are no absolutes, I mean even gravity is not an absolute on many levels [for instance in other parts of the universe] so this whole feeling I have about this is predependent on the fact that I really believe in it and that I meet someone else who also believes the same type of thing, that for everyone there is a someone and that we meet over a period of many lifetimes and slowly become soul mates throughout these lifetimes and that we know it when we meet one another and that in this lifetime we will want to stay together forever, if not just a long time (not sure on that one quite yet – would love for it to be forever, but certainly not attached to that as many people are), but in this over all soul mate meant to be together thing. this is a belief that I love. Just makes me feel great. Totally knowing and understanding underneath it all that it is indeed just a belief and that it is not necessarily true for everyone but only those who subscribe to it.

So is it true? do we one day see someone and hear a whisper in our ear that they are the one? or is it more subtle than that? can it happen slowly, over time... for me I know this: that when I meet someone who is not the one, I know almost immediately. After a date or two at least, I know. it is a whisper, and sometimes even a scream. It is right there in my ears, and in my heart, telling me that it isn't the right one. so I wonder... is it that way when it happens? I know with Cleopatra it was. from the moment I saw her.

And here's the deal; I feel Her feeling the same thing that I do. completely. I feel her feeling the same thing and believing the same things that I am feeling. And wondering about me. so I walk around kind of high from the whole experience of it and really enjoy it. I'm not even in a hurry for it at this point because of the fact that it feels so close now that I realize that it is just around the corner and I can wait. I can enjoy being who I am and where I am in the moment and look forward to it.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Came home to a totally packed house. even my clothes and dishes. Everything. Rosanna was told, by me, to pack up the little I had not put into storage and had in the little temp apt so I could move out when I got back. have to move out of here now AND the apt in New York is ready for me to move in to. so now its just up to me getting the nerve up to actually make the move for real. Still feel very nervous and hesitant about it even though I've done all this work and prep for it. our trip to Atlanta really showed us how much we are missing by not living in America. The people were so nice and friendly and polite and well mannered and smart and cool. totally diff than in Miami.

I am exhausted and all I want is a bath and a bed.

Monday, September 13, 2004

Drove back to Miami and stayed in a cabin in the middle of the woods in the middle of nowhere Florida for the night. the place of a fan we met on the road. really really cool vibe. No TV or phones or anything. Very homey and old fashioned. Reminded me how nice the country is. have to get there more.

Show in Miami at senor frogs. A welcome home last minute pick up gig just because we didn't want it to end. Stage was way too small compared to what we were used to. we tripped all over each other. Microphone stands were falling down and I actually jumped up and landed on all 110 pounds of poor Bloopy. Then a few songs later our cables got tangled up and he couldn’t move so he kept yanking on his from the back and he yanked me half way across the stage during the soft part of beautiful one. a crazy night. we are growing out of these small stage clubs. Played our asses off and celebrated a few good shows in GA and a successful trip. Felt very awkward up there but managed to win a lot of new fans. None of this is anywhere near enough for me right now. I am drowning in the boredom and mediocrity of where we are compared to where we want to be.

Living and playing with Vancouver is killing me. perhaps all of us, but especially me. he is a genius yes. fine. But he is also insane. And it can be quite annoying. That was five days. I can only imagine in utter horror what five months would be like. He needs constant attention. Has to always be talking. can never be quiet. barely ever speaks truth or realness or things important. Just always bsing. Full of vile mouthed bs and pay attention to me type stuff.

Ps—my vocals are getting stronger and stronger the more I sing. Five nights in a row and no problems. Awesome.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Spent most of the day sleeping and throwing various items from the 14th floor balcony of our hotel rooms and filming it for fun. it started innocently enough with coffee creamers which turned to shampoo and conditioner bottles which then turned to coffee cups and ashtrays and then eventually on furniture. Watching them crash on the street below. Totally insane and over the top fun. 

Film crew came to video us more for a few days for their documentary. Still find it very hard to take myself as seriously as an artist at this level as I should. It seems that the evidence is all around me but I am still doubting the reality of it most of the time. I know this isn't good and want to get to a point where I totally believe.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Today was a hectic but good day. we didn't wake up till one in the afternoon. And had a crazy day from the moment we woke up. we found out we are playing at the NEMO festival up in Boston in a few weeks. Always wanted to play this since I was a kid. reading about it in the magazines since I first discovered rock and roll and always fantasized about being one of the featured bands. So now we’re in. good times. our dreams are becoming a reality. I've just never been able to figure out why its taken us so long, but when I start thinking about that I brush it off because I don't think it helps us get there. I'm just happy its all coming together now.

Played a decent show at star bar in little five points. made a few unforgivable mistakes. But shook them off.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

On the road to Atlanta for a few shows. Total chaos as always. Four guys locked up in a van for 12 hours, all of us screaming at each other at the same time, passing the bottles around, and arguing for the rights to play the next CD. Can’t live like this forever. Have to break big soon to afford this kind of hedonistic lifestyle.

I was either dreaming or football season has started. I think I saw some game on TV at a restaurant we stopped at tonight. thank God. life feels weird when there's no football. I just bought a new Wilson nfl official size football and I carry it everywhere with me now, like a teddy bear.

At a restaurant in Ocala Florida we pick up a beautiful young waitress who was eager for a little rock and roll adventure. She has a very cute southern accent and is now in the van with us. back seat with Bloopy. By the end of these four brief days and wild nights all of us will make love with her in our own unique way, which is among many other things what being in a band is all about; we will make love to each other in numerous ways as well through hundreds of high fives and hysterical laughs, sharing of everything, endless arguments over seemingly nothing a hundred times over, through our common understandings of art, pop culture, and music, through our intense bonding for the brief moments we are under the collective microscope on stage, in the rehearsal studios before the shows, in the wild and unspeakable antics that are an inevitable byproduct of the boring hotel life during the days, and in the radio station interviews each morning we give to entertain the adoring masses and get more people to come to our shows and buy our cds.

And then just as explosively and unanimously as we have come together we will part and all go our separate ways; the poet will stay in Atlanta, where he now lives, Bloopy to Paris, me to New York, rockaway to Miami, and Vancouver will be off to Mexico. Three weeks later we will meet up again in Boston for a few shows and then a few shows in NYC. It is a strange and beautiful thing to be in band.

You develop a deep love for earplugs, sunglasses, and hats in an attempt to salvage as much privacy from.

Current spins: road trip rotation included the following: righteous boy, from Sweden. Bootleg outtakes from McCartney's Ram, and then back to the egg albums, transcendence nothing is cohesive, father Bloopy compilation, Lou reed Coney island baby, Morrissey kill uncle, jet’s latest which was surprisingly great, rarely heard 70’s prog rockers Flash, Ben folds five whatever and ever amen, which was a huge wonderful surprise how good they are, grateful dead live in winterland ’72,

It is now 4;25 am as we pull into Atlanta. Bloopy is in the back of the van with the waitress; rockaway is watching the Simpson's with headphones on his laptop, Vancouver is driving the van and on the phone with his third girl of the night telling her how much he loves her and how awesome she is. he is in love with love. And music of course. When he gets off the phone we high five about how wonderful love and music are. I am typing this and feel completely exhausted. I cannot speak anymore and can barely open my eyes. I did score a new cowboy hat and feel very good about that. at the last stop a couple of real back wood American hicks thought I was a genuine country superstar and asked if they could snap a few pictures. We didn't let em down and posed accordingly. Boy are they going to get a wake up call when they visit our website.

In a few minutes my exhaustion will change of course because once we arrive to the hotel we miraculously wake up and start throwing the football around the huge marble lobby as rockaway starts playing boogie woogie on the grand piano that's conveniently placed there, as if only for our welcome. In less than an hour we are wreaking more havoc on this hotel staff and guests than is fair. Valiums are passed around to get everyone to calm down and sleep just as twelve hours before ephedra and caffeine and booze were passed around to keep everyone awake.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

On the phone with our manager, he needs a name still, today... we hadn't spoken in a while. I tell him about how impressed I was with bush’s speech even though I loath his administration. I say something like ‘he’s going to win...’ and he sighs and says, ‘man I hope so...’ and there we were... I mean, he's our manager. I'm his star client and I'm traveling around the country protesting the bush administration and he is praying to God that bush wins. Its really something. it was a very American moment. That's what I love about our country.

I didn't get upset. I just asked him why he supported bush. He mentioned the fight on terror and how against abortion he was and how against same sex marriage he was. I asked him if he ever read my diaries. asked him if he had any clue who I was or what I represented to people. he said ‘sure I do. But I like you anyway.’ And then he laughed. We both laughed. What a moment. He said that God created Adam and eve, not Adam and Steve. Funny. I couldn’t help but laugh. How different could we be?

The thing that you start to realize is that gw bush isn't some dictator that's taken over our country as much as we radical left wingers like to pretend. The truth is that America is just so damn split down the middle at the moment that old gw is a true maverick who represents the values and beliefs of a lot of the people in this country. and then there's the rest of us. its really as simple as that. this is where America is right now. for better or worse.

Ps – had a chance to finally see Arnold’s speech on the Internet. Good speech. Filled with bi-partisan gung-ho platitudes that leaned neither way to try to catch as many fish as possible; he said a lot of things that sounded good on the surface but that could have

Last screening: matchstick men with the incomparable nick cage. The guy is good. the guy is damn good. caught leaving las Vegas a few weeks ago in an exhausted stupor in New York while trying to fall asleep. He was fucking a amazing in that film. no wonder he won.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Had a mild panic attack today. first one since 1999. I couldn’t believe it. what was it? not a month ago that I had read that story about Jeff tweedy having them and how fucked up he is over it. I thought I was done with it. hadn't had one in over five years. thought I cured myself. We were high up on the 58th floor of some building on Madison Ave negotiating a deal for my new apt with my realtor who represented me, and the realtors who represented the owner of the building I was buying into. the owner had hesitancy about me moving in because I was a singer in a rock band. the owner and the realtors representing them were all from Japan and they all spoke with thick Japanese accents. I could tell they only understood about half if that of what we were saying. my realtor is a young hip Hispanic street kid from the Bronx. I have been through eight different New York realtors and he was the best and brightest I found. So here we all are and I'm holding a check for gobs of money that I'm more than ready to hand over for the apartment of my dreams – at least the only one I can actually afford – and they are not ready to quite take the check because they are worried that I am a musician and may keep people up with my music and God knows what else. only in New York. Any other city in America and that check would have already been cashed.

They are being very polite but asking me all these questions in these thick Japanese accents: ‘you musician right’ ‘yes.’ ‘you play loud music in apartment late at night?’ ‘no...’ I say. ‘look man, he plays music in a studio, not in the apartment. I can assure you of that.’ my realtor responds. ‘you have lots of parties in apartment? With drugs and loud music?’ they ask in these crazy accents right out of Saturday night live. ‘man you be buggin here chief,’ my Hispanic realtor responds. ‘my man here is a rock star, yes. And he wants to move into your clients apartment and he has a check here to show his good faith. he will not cause a disturbance in your clients apartment. We can assure you of that Mr. Furomoto.’ ‘yes, we understand what you say, but we watch MTV. We know what rock stars do. many girls and parties in apartment. Not good for apartment or other tenants.’

I lost track of the conversation. I hadn't eaten and had maybe three or four cups of coffee and an orange juice a few hours earlier. It was about four in the afternoon. Granted it could be the one meal a day plan, the fact that I had been in the city walking my ass off for six days and still was homeless, and it certainly could be too much coffee. But there was something else, beyond the caffeine jitters. This was like the old panicky feeling of dread that I used to get. shortness of breath, heat beating fast and this extreme and intense feeling of fear all over my body. I looked out the window at the skyscrapers that surrounded us and realized that I was stuck up on the 58th floor of this building and all I could think of was getting to the elevator as fast as possible to get outside. i tried to breathe. I tried to focus my attention on the matters at hand. I watched everyone talking in the room and as far as I know I could have been speaking as well, but I was too focused on how much dread and fear and panic I was feeling and how I had to get outside.

There are three things that flood into your mind when you have a panic attack or whatever these things are. One, get outside and get on solid ground. Two, am I going to die? I feel like I am going to die. fuck, I think I'm going to die. and three, I need something to calm down. Maybe a valium. Maybe some water. Fuck I have to slow my heart down. Your skin crawls with fear. Your eyes start batting faster. Your breathing slows. Your heart beats faster. You are afraid to breathe. You are afraid to move. You feel as though you are about to jump out of your skin. I start arranging everything neatly on the conference table in front of me like some psycho. You are afraid you might say something or do something rash like jump out of a window or run screaming down the hallway to the elevator. For me it helps to think of my mom or some other loved ones. Think of mom. Think of Cleopatra and how she used to calm me down. Think of Madelyn. Think of Little Tree. Think of playing football with Beaver. Keep breathing. Don't forget to breathe. I try to listen to the conversation but they are all in slow motion now. I am alone in this glass bubble of panic and dread and they are all talking and moving around but I cannot hear a thing anyone is saying. all I can think of is getting downstairs and outside or getting to a hospital before I die. it is looking back quite a hilarious predicament.

If I had to guess I would say that the adrenals are off and are firing too much adrenaline into the system. could be stress. Could be the pregnenelone throwing off the endocrine system. I know the drill. Quit brain supplements and smart nutrients which means I will be slower but calmer, double up on the b vitamins, quit the caffeine = ugh!, detox the liver, more calcium and magnesium throughout day and night. 

Monday, September 06, 2004

In the last two days I have looked at apartments with Chevy Chase and his wife and kids, ridden an elevator up ninety floors with Donald trump, seen a black squirrel – for real. They exist. I've witnessed mobs of huge rats running through the subway rails, HUGE; I've seen blind people crossing busy streets on their own, rescued a girls keys out of the sewer with a magnetic-antennae I just happen to carry in my briefcase, and I believe, although I cannot prove it, I have met and interacted with at least one person from every country in the world at least once or twice. I have helped old ladies cross park avenue and given numerous dollars and French fries to homeless men who sleep on just about every corner in the city. New York is an amazing place.
I also notice that when I see women walking with baby strollers that it makes me feel good, kind of a mushy goodness, whereas normally up until this time in my life it elicits no feeling at all except perhaps dread. now I feel all mushy when I see them. the biological clock they call that.

Bush is on fire. I don't know if Kerry has a chance anymore here in America. If you caught any of his speeches... Last night I caught a replay of his poplar bluff Missouri speech and yes even though he makes a lot of weird comments like “all the obgyns that are out there aren't able to be giving the women all their love...” whatever the hell that means... and even though he makes way too many grammatical mistakes to be in a leadership position, and yes I know that many people claim that he isn't actually in one, but still... I have to say I think it was one of the best presidential speeches I have ever seen or heard or even read. I just think he was amazing. his delivery was something that I don't think Kerry will ever possess. I'm not saying that that is even important to the role of commander and chief but by the time he was finished speaking I was so captivated by the guy that I was thinking of voting for him. he has tremendous momentum right now. and as much as I find his policies deplorable I am finding his campaign inspiring.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

This president Putin of Russia gets on television and says to his people and to the world this morning that there was no need or cause for the Chechen rebels to attack the school in Russia. They are referring to them as terrorists. Of course he fails to mention that Russia attacked them first, took over their country, stole all their oil, stopped them from going to their own churches and schools, committed mass genocide on them for the past two hundred years, and still to this day refuses to give their country back to them or let them establish their own Muslim state as it used to be.

Our own media here refuses to tell us what is really going on. They report on the “terrorist attack” and don't tell us a word of the truth surrounding the event.

Of course all one has to do is to look it up. the facts are right there for anyone to read. But because they are a world super power everyone will instead play this lying game and act like nothing is wrong and there are just some random terrorists attacking the poor Russian people.

It was too early in the morning for me to see this on TV. I was sickened by their president’s message on live TV. Acting as if they’ve done nothing and they now have no other choice but to go in and attack the Chechen people more... I am not even upset by the attack of the Chechen people on the Russians. I am sorry, but I just want them to get their country back and I don't care how they do it. if they have to kill half the Russian population in order to win back their country then so be it. all Russia has to do is give them their ENTIRE country back. these attacks are the Russian government’s fault, not the Chechen people’s.

For the next three to four days we will be bombarded with images of grieving Russians on our TVs courtesy of one of the biggest propaganda machines in the western world, CNN. The fact that Chechnya is fighting for its freedom or that most of the men in the country have been killed in mass genocides and wars by the Russians will be largely ignored. And the reporters will keep straight faces while reporting the half truths of the story. Instead we will see sweeping images of crying mothers and photos of dead Russian children. We will not see any images of dead Chechen children or the millions of Chechens killed over the last two hundred years by the russians.

The propaganda, the way it is set up, and I am the first to admit that it is not entirely deliberate on the part of CNN and other news agencies -- you can kind of tell that they are just playing along, reporting what they are told by the large governments, but the ideal here is that we are meant to equate the Chechen people with terrorism or the northern Irish with terrorism, or the Palestinian people with terrorism, and any other people who don't play along with the major players in the world, namely, the US, the UK, Russia, china, and any of the smaller slave states who are under their control.

All of the other world leaders sent these messages saying how shocked they were at the inhumanity of “the terrorists.” Personally I find myself more shocked by the Russian government’s ability to be such good liars and thieves; and the other countries such as the UK and the US who sit by and let it all happen. I understand what the Chechen people have done. They need to do more of it. we cannot continue to allow bigger richer countries to go in and take over smaller countries and kill their people just because they want to and then pretend that they are terrorists when they try to defend themselves. Perhaps this reaching out by the Chechen people will get the Russian people to get off their ass and force their government to do something to reverse the damage they have done to the Chechen people.

We are in a very dangerous time in human history right now. but not for the reasons why they tell us in the mainstream media. We are in a dangerous time right now in human history because on the surface things appear to have gotten better, but in reality it is just that the leaders and puppet masters have gotten better at disguising the cons and deceptions around us. Things are just as brutal and barbaric and misguided. If you are an informed and intelligent person you can easily become confused and bewildered by how opposed our reality is to mainstream knowledge.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Still no apt. FEELING VERY FRUSTRATED. Still, I cannot explain how I feel here. so fresh and happy. 

The transcendence diaries have now reached 700 pages as of this entry.

Had a chance to see gw’s speech last night at the convention while we were protesting. He was brilliant. really good speaker. I am getting the feeling that bush is going to win. God help us all. but he is just on fire and he is a good speaker. He may not be presidential material, like John Kerry is, but he is a lot more charismatic than Kerry is. the thing about bush versus Kerry for the record, because we don't really know how this is going to turn out yet, is that even though bush is so much more pro-big corporation and Kerry is so much more pro-people, bush actually comes off more pro-people than Kerry does. And that's too bad, because if you study them you easily conclude how much more for the people Kerry and Edwards are. But bush just comes off a lot more for the people. a real regular-folk kind of guy.

Brilliant night tonight. got together with a bunch of friends. But they were all friends from different times and aspects of my life so none of them knew each other but were only bonded though being friends with me. and we all got along fabulously and had a great time hanging all over the city together.

Saw some more bush speech tonight where he was speaking to a crowd about something they call ‘conservative Values’ which from what I can tell loosely translates to ‘closed mindedness.’ When they find out someone is gay or bisexual, they think it's wrong; when I meet someone who is gay or bisexual I just think they're more open minded than I am.

When I see someone sleeping on the sidewalk, I think ‘man, I wonder what we can do to help those people.’ whereas when they see someone sleeping on the sidewalk, they think ‘man why don't they get a job and help themselves.’

I hear of some chick who is accidentally pregnant and I think ‘man I hope she finds a way to keep the baby. Maybe she can give it up for adoption if she doesn’t want it.’ they think ‘we need to pass a law to force that girl to keep that baby.’

I still can’t get over the fact that any of us are taking their whole ‘lets pass a constitutional amendment to ban same sex marriage’ trip seriously. its as bad as back in the slave days when they were trying to find ways to find technicalities to withhold equal rights from black people. just total primitives some of these people are still. we’re going to look back in the near future on these things and really be shocked by how tolerant we were of their backwoods ways. We are going to be studying these people and the whole mindset in college one day. I really believe that.

Its just a different way of looking at life.

There are fifteen thousand cabs and thirty thousand cab drivers in this tiny city.

I am so addicted to the city now. I don't want to leave. I have extended my trip another few days. I have to find a place to live like NOW. I cannot go back now. I don't even care if I ever see my stuff again. I could just stay here and sleep in a sleeping bag on a bare floor. Since the day I was born I was always a new Yorker who happened to be living in the wrong towns. Always felt like I was just visiting everywhere I lived so far in my short life. like I never fit in. this is the first place I've ever been where I felt like ‘I am home.’

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Protesting in Madison Square Garden

A crazy day. absolutely maddening with this apartment situation. found a place. then the building decides that they don’t want a musician in the place. asks for five months rent up front. fine I say. Here it is. then they say there is a board I have to go through to get approved. This is just to rent mind you. has nothing to do with buying. Just to rent a place. they check your credit, your work history, your taxes, its insane. Dealing with that all day. And then off to Madison square Garden to protest the gw bush acceptance speech with thousands of others.

Called Chapper this morning and told him “dude come by my hotel. I have a ton of calls to make but you we can hang out and you can order room service and watch me work for a few hours. Oh yeah, and will do me a favor and buy me a broom...” “A what dog?” “A broom. I need a broom. Just find one and bring it to me.”

So old Chapper arrives and actually throws a broom on the bed. I was pretty impressed I have to say. Of course I unscrewed the broom part and just used the long handle to hold my signs I was making. So after this ungodly long day where I learn that I am not getting this huge sum of cash I thought I was getting on the phone now and on top of it I have to come up with five months of NEW York rent to the tune of about ten grand, and something they call brokers fees to the tune of another three grand, and so now I have this sudden realization that I am broke. Like flat broke. Like I can’t buy lunch in two hours if I get this apartment. And I don't even know if I will be approved for it anyway. But worse than that, how am I going to live? this fear shoots through my body and honestly I had this uncontrollable urge to lie down and go to sleep. Its all my body could do because it was like I went into a panic. But I didn't because I had to go to this stupid meeting at the realtors to have them rape me and take all this money from me.

Anyway, I made it through and then after that I called boo boo kitty and said c'mon lets go march and protest the evil empire. So I get dressed up in my newest character, the general, who made quite a stir at the MTV vmss, and I go to hail a cab to get to the protest. Boo boo says to me, “what kind of a protester stays at a five star hotel while he's trying to rent a park avenue apartment and then takes a cab to the protest site?”

“babe, this has nothing to do with money or class or style. This rebellion against bush has to do with good versus evil. There are those of us who are poor hippies fighting this battle. There are those of us who are rich protesting I'm sure. And yes there are even those of us who are poor but live like we’re rich, like myself, completely committed to seeing that this guy is brought down. So lets just catch our cab and catch up to our fellow peeps. we got some protesting to do.”

we get to the site. and what was it like? Think tens of thousands of people carrying signs crowded into ten city blocks. From 20th street to 32nd street. All the way up eighth avenue. Shoulder to shoulder. Everyone carrying signs and screaming and shouting and chanting various rallying cries of the revolution. I feel very much at home in the large protest groups. Like I am among family. No matter where I go in this country of ours to protest for one cause or another I always feel very safe and homey with all the other fight-the-good-fighters.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

9am, in the airport, no coffee yet, carrying my pillow around --- because when you fly a lot you soon learn that your pillow is like your best friend, and a suitcase. I am starting to feel more comfortable in the airport than I am in any other surroundings. Is this a good sign? The drill at the security gate is getting easier: a mad dash of less than five minutes, leave boots untied, grab three plastic trays. Empty pockets, take off boots and belt and throw it all including phone, pda, sunglasses, and wallet in one tray, unpack laptop and throw it into another tray, put briefcase into another tray, toss pillow and suitcase onto the belt and walk through. Hope you don't set anything off, and that they don't randomly choose you for s strip search because you look like a terrorist type. Your stuff goes through, and then in less than a New York minute you reverse the whole procedure, collecting all of your things, and stuffing all your stuff back in your pockets, and then dash to your gate. I know a lot of people who don't fly because of how crazy this aspect of flying is for us now here in America since the terrorist attacks, but do it enough times and you get used to it. we’re a resilient people and we can get used to anything if we have to.

New York is brilliant right now. the weather is crisp and clear and sunny. The people as always are nice and friendly.

Hey Flash,

Thanks for the heads up about what's going on down there. Feel free to forward this to our fellow friends in soflo. While you all are busy preparing for the hurricane, I am here in New York City in a storm of our own; up here now with hundreds of thousands of other people who have flown in from all over the country to march for peace, and in protest against the occupation of Iraq and in protest of the Bush administration in general.

Tomorrow night during Bush's campaign speech literally hundreds of thousands of people will be outside Madison square Garden doing everything in our power to make as much noise as possible to get the attention of the world media off of the RNC and onto the voice of the American people (granted, this select group of people -- but an amazingly large body of people of all ages and races are represented here in solidarity for this movement) it is truly inspiring how many people are here all over the city sacrificing their time energy and money, with only one goal in mind: to get this administration out of power. We have not seen anything like this since the sixties.

Good things indeed. Wish us all luck and success and safety.


Its about midnight now. I'm exhausted. Sitting in central park to smoke and write. O.k. looked at apts all day. def think I found one. I'll say it again, more beautiful girls here than any other city in America. Just wonderful. I don't mean like sexy or hot, like in LA or Miami, but I just mean beautiful girls in what they appear at least to posses on the inside. That smart sassy witty cultured and stylish look. If I want to, I can be married within the year. I just felt that being here the last few hours.

I have been getting calls and emails all day from friends from all over the country who are here to march and protest this week. I cannot believe how many people from every generation is here for that one reason... its inspiring. now that I have found a place I can take tomorrow and spend all day on the streets making noise and wreaking havoc for the evil empire that took over our nations capital three and half long years ago. There are cops everywhere in this city! I mean everywhere. I have never seen anything like this. police in cars, in motorcycles, helicopters, on foot, on horses and in big paddy wagons.

I'm going around all day with a realtor looking at all these posh apts for rent and purchase like I'm some rich capitalist rock star, which to a certain extent I certainly am. Little did they know that my suitcase is filled with peace signs and protest propaganda and tomorrow I'll be hitting the streets with the rest of the hippies. America. What a country.

Luckily the republican convention has come off very much like a silly made for TV circus and the media has done a good job of reporting on it that way. almost. Tomorrow night will be the test. We’ll see if we get the message across to the rest of the world.

One thing I've noticed is that somehow strangely enough I seem to have more friends already here in New York than I do back home and I don't even live here. its just like all of friends from over the years from various aspects of my life have been moving here the last few years.

Today in the bathroom I was reading the new book by Howard Bloom, mass brain I think, something like that. an amazing social-science read, one of the most brilliant and interesting reads of modern times... reading it and reading all the accolades about it I was reminded of all the other great intellectual reads that have been written over the centuries by us and how important they all seem at the time, and then in that moment I had this remembrance of what I have slowly been coming to terms with lately... that in the bigger picture none of it really matters that much. We can make all this intellectual stuff mean a lot to us if we want to. certainly. We can take our daily dose of politics and poetry and prose philosophy and religious studies and what not, but in the end, we can just as easily go sit on an island somewhere and so nothing and still get to the same place. the life is so big and so mysterious that I don't think it really matters what we do as humans here. its till going to be the same big mysterious life with very few answers and a lot of conjecture and second guesses about the meaning of it all.

In the elevator a few minutes later I had this realization, and I barely dare write it, that still in the end, the thing that matters most is going to be how much money we can create so we can live happy healthy lives and assure the same for our families. The meaning of it all in the big picture is not going to matter half as much as is our ability to take care of ourselves and our loved ones and assure our survival while we are here. that's what's going to really matter.

I think about the difference between Beaver and me. he's got a good job that pays him well and a beautiful loving wife and kids and a great home in middle America. I don't think he's ever even been to any big cities even here in the states, let alone in other parts of the world. He never has the time to read or study or research or learn foreign languages or protest or be a social activist. And me, I get frustrated with myself because I cannot speak fluent French well enough to communicate with the Haitian cab drivers here in the city. We live polar opposite lives in those respects. But he's as happy and content as can be. I'm still going to keep studying and researching and traveling and roaming and searching, fighting the good fight, marching and protesting and voting and doing my best to give whenever and however I can, because I believe in what I'm doing, but in the end its still all about love and money. I felt that today. I really understood it for the first time. that it’s a choice we make in how we want to spend our lives here. And either way we choose is just as good and noble and meaningful as the other