Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Begin to write the diaries more like a history.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Studying the history of Great Britain. Wow. Fascinating. Really fucking fascinating. Humanity itself. Being half English, I would conjecture a bit biased on this. but still. a remarkable read.

Monday, June 28, 2004

Studying the history of Holland for a few days now. not so exciting. they have spent thousands of years doing what is known as ‘reclaiming’ land from the ocean so they can live in all these towns close to the sea. When in fact they have this huge piece of land more inland that they wouldn’t even have to worry about the oceans waves. Millions and millions of acres of it, but they persist in spending billions of dollars on trying to take back the land from the ocean by building all these dykes and rivers and dams etc. Really weird. Cities like Amsterdam should be completely underwater by now, but the people persist in trying to fight the flow of nature. Lots of cool stuff in this. Not as an exciting history than say England or Italy, but lots of cool stuff. Rembrandt and Van Gough of course. And for a very brief time they ruled the entire western world, but that didn't last long.
Many of us got together tonight to go see the Fahrenheit 911 film, as did many groups all over the country. as was the case nationwide theatres were sold out and you had to wait in these enormous lines to get in once you bought your ticket ten hours earlier.

As we watched all these people sitting on the floor in line to see this film like it was some Hollywood blockbuster you really felt in awe of the whole thing. all of this for a documentary? What? And what's more, a documentary about politics? Well America is changing. You had to feel a real sense of joy and pride in who we are turning into as a people. the people are getting smarter. More knowledgeable and more interested in what's going on. you know what? This isn't going to be like our fathers Vietnam. We’re not going to let it.

Although, unlike many, there was nothing new in the movie for me---these were things I had been ranting about for years, and everyone was saying I was crazy talking about the whole bush and bin laden being business together and the Saudis owning more of America than any of we do---I still walked away sick and angry and sad. You couldn’t help it. our media has been so irresponsible in covering the other side of the invasion, refusing to show us any of the civilian casualties, or even tell us how many we have killed now. they just pretend that its about us and our goal to take over their country. they never bother to mention the billions of dollars that American companies are making for the takeover or that other multi-national companies stand to make or even the fact that the Saudis are bound to make more than any of us from it. they just keep right on with their cute little fa├žade that we are liberators and some kind of heroes. But when everyone was sitting in that theater tonight, boy did we get an eyeful and an earful. People were just in shock.

I have received so many calls from friends all over the country telling me to go see the film. people really I think are just in shock right now. they are starting to realize that it isn't just the stuff of crazy liberal conspiracy theorists anymore. That something really crazy and horrible has happened to us here.

Allow me to be the first to say right along with the republicans, but as a big fan, that Michael Moore is a putz. No one is going to argue that. but he is one brave mother fucker. And thank God for him. all I can say is its about fucking time. 

The question that is begging to be asked of course is ‘o.k. now what?’ what are we actually going to do about this insanity? And even more frightening is this: “what can we actually do about it?” they stole the fucking election for gods sake. We all watched it happen right before our eyes. I think that at the time we were just so damn complacent from the Clinton golden years that we figured hey what the hell lets just ride it out. how bad can this guy be? well we certainly learned the hard way. That’s for sure.

The poet and Madeline and the king all calling me today asking me what the hell are we going to do Fishy? what do you think we can do about this? my answer? I don't know. I guess we just do our best to get him out of there.

But more than that, it would appear that the problem runs much deeper than that now for us. whether its George bush stealing the presidency and then lying to us to make us invade another country of innocent people, or bill Clinton selling our weapons secrets to china, or geare bush senior sitting on the board of directors of Saudi Arabian companies when they attacked us in numerous terrorist attacks, or even our beloved Ronald Reagan selling biological weapons to Iraq or other weapons to Iran behind our backs.... I mean, the list goes on and on. If we’re all not sincerely and alarmingly aware that we have a serious fucking problem on our hands at this point, then I don't know what its going to take.

If we have a problem in America, and most certainly we do, a glaring open wound of a fucking problem, its this underlying fear that we all must be feeling by now tugging at our souls that there probably isn't much we can do now about any of it. our lives are not so much in our control as much as they are just newsbites on our television screens at this point.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. What we need to do is just get tough like parents are to their children. One fuckup and you get a warning. Two fuckups and you are out of there. I don't care if we have to have ten presidents every four years instead of one. eventually the right man for the job will come up to the plate. I'll tell you this. if w. bush was the CEO of a company that we were all shareholders of he would have been gone years ago. We wouldn’t have batted an eye at asking him to leave. America is much more important than any corporation though. Its our fucking country. its our fucking lifeblood. And it’s the lifeblood of our children should we get lucky enough to ever have children someday. We don't tolerate lying or cheating from our kids or our friends or our lovers if we’re smart or enlightened individuals. Why would we possibly tolerate it from our elected leaders? That's something that I will just never understand.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Happy birthday to Infinito! Big 30 for him today. Most guys are lame. They never remember things like other peoples birthdays. And if they do, then they don't know what to do about it. guys just aren't good about birthdays for the most part. They can’t help it. I tell the lady on the phone at my bank. ’hey listen I have man disease. I'm sorry for bouncing so much checks. I could have a million dollars in there and somehow I still manage to bounce half those checks. Don't ask me how. Just help me.’ she actually did help me.

Anyway, happy birthday Infinito. Its been a long time brother. Glad to know you.

I have noticed that ever since everything went down with the Ferret, I have felt this subconscious reluctance to get close to new people I am starting to make friends with... have made so many new friends, but notice within myself this subtle fear of going in all the way. have to explore what beliefs are and let them go.

Being in line at the immigration office to check on visa status for Europe. You know there's this fear when you are in line... that you are going to lose your place. you notice that. you're afraid to go get a drink of water because what if you lose your place in line. most of the time its cool. you can tell the person behind you to save your place. that you'll be back. but this time I was waiting in a long line. I thought, ‘wouldn’t it be great if I could just say to the people behind me, ‘listen, I'm going to go goof off for a while. make some calls, maybe go hang out outside. Do me a favor and hold my place in line and I'll be back once this line clears.’ But I didn't dare. You know how people are about lines. They are so possessive about their place in line. most have this attitude about lines that if you leave your place in line that you lose it. which is silly because after all that's still your place in line, whether you are there physically or not. Only an idiot would stand there if he didn't have to. everyone can see that its your place. but the problem is that we are still dealing with idiots for the most part. So you don't dare take the risk of assuming someone is enlightened enough to just let your place be your place whether you are actually standing in line or not. But one day I see us even transcending lines too. One day we are going to get there. everyone can get in their place in line and after a minute or two just go do whatever and when its their turn they can come back and step up to the counter or checkout or what have you and not worry about losing their place. kind of like those little pagers they give us at restaurants. Great idea. A virtual line. ‘excuse me miss?’ ‘yes?’ Can you do me a favor and call my cell when you get up to the counter so I can run back and get back in line behind you?’ ‘Oh well certainly.’ ‘Thanks.’ One day.
Nations bank commercials and Janet’s Jackson’s tits.

we have just recently found out that there is a publicist that our label had hired that makes her living from ripping bands and record labels off. She does some work and then after she gets paid she doesn’t work anymore and never follows up. churn and burn. We had hired her before we did any research on her. just kind of took her at her word. She talked a great talk. So we ran with her. little did we knew that soon she would be running one way and we would be running the other. Our bad for not checking her out more. I spoke with our lawyer on Friday about her and told him, “Shark, in this case. I want you to bring the hammer all the way down. I want you to crush her. No matter how much it costs.” It turns out that she has done this to a fair share of people.

what's amazing is the shock one feels when confronted with something like this. with a person like this. when I first found out from our label what was happening, I had to run downstairs and guzzle down a mojito. Just to ease my anxiety. After all I was the one who recommended her so readily. Because she talked such a good talk. But after I heard that she had taken close to four thousand dollars so far and almost produced nothing, that our other publicists were fuming that we had hired her, that our label reps were fuming... well, at first I was feeling pretty dejected. Betrayed. You know. the usual.

After I had a drink I felt better. I realized that there was no use in feeling anything at all about the situation. it was business. better to move on. Sue her and let the courts work her out. if she really didn't do the work she contracted to do, she’ll pay us back. simple enough. You can’t make sense of people who lie. They lie. They're in their own weird little world. and there is no making sense of it if you don't operate in that world. what this woman needs is to acknowledge times past when she was lied to and hurt by it. she is probably holding onto a big ball of pain and anger inside from being lied to in the past. And in response to it she is on a lying rampage so to speak. Lying to and cheating everyone she can get her hands on. She can then move on to start acknowledging everyone she herself has lied to and begin to make amends to them. that's if she wants to change. If she even sees the benefit in it. if not, this may never happen for her. and she is the one who will continue to suffer.

Someone at the label said to me about the situation, ‘I can’t believe this lady is doing this to so many people. what the hell is she thinking?’ I replied, ‘she's not thinking. she's lying. And when a person is lying to so many people like that, they are lying to themselves even more. that's the only way they can get away with it. I'll bet you that consciously she has no clue what she is doing. Her higher self disappeared long ago. Hiding somewhere deep in her subconscious, scared shitless to show itself for fear it will get hurt again. We just need to bring her out of her coma. We’ll sue her. she’ll argue and kick and scream for a while, and then maybe it’ll get to her. maybe she’ll wake up. it could be really good for her for someone to call her bluff. who knows.’ ‘Fishy you're a bigger man than I am,’ Angel says to me in response. ‘Angel, you're not a man.’ ‘You know what I mean.’

Later that night I'm relaxing for the evening watching some news on TV. Talk about lies. The American news channels are filled with them. it’s a big game of deception that we all play into. and worse, we know it. we beg for it. the reality TV shows that we know are staged. The commercials that we are know are faked. I was in a daze last night. just wiped out from a very long day. half numb watching this amazing array of crap that people take in everyday on the TV. I have been doing this for about two weeks now. after a long day I come home and I just sit there and scroll through all the channels on the TV. Normally I don't watch the TV. But I thought it would be fun to see what the average American mind consumes on a daily basis. [some girl says to me something about the OC. I apologized that I didn't know what that was. Turns out that its a TV show of some kind. She started laughing. Now of course I was laughing myself. But not for the same reason she was laughing. I couldn’t imagine not having enough to do with your life to know anything about TV, but I didn't say anything to her. I was just laughing. In times past I would have ripped into her for being such a mainstreamer. But these days, I don't know, I guess I have discovered a new tolerance inside of myself. Anyway, I thought it might be fun to flip through some TV and see what was out there.] You keep thinking you are going to get to something good, something valuable, something honest. And sometimes you do. but that is very rare. [tlc, discovery, pbs, VH1 classics is a great channel, cspan, nightline. There are certainly some good things out there. but mostly the TV is just a bunch of worthless crap. and you are left with this feeling of shock and disbelief. Even the short haired and bespeckled College educated news anchors are just winging it in idiotville most of the time. You switch to them, hoping for a moment of clarity or some kind of light in the dark. They are seeing the trees just as they're supposed to, but they aren’t seeing the forest at all. And that's the way its set up. for people to get so deep inside the matrix that they never see the big picture. So they not only don't see the lies, they become part of the big lie machine and they don't even know it.

Take that show crossfire for instance. A bunch of really cool, really smart guys you'd be happy to spend a lunch with anyday. But the problem is that they spend all of their time arguing over who is right, the evil republicans or the whacky democrats. Neither man seeing the bigger picture. How would you rather die? poison or being burned alive? Lets argue about it everyday till we’re blue in the face, but for God’s sake no one bother to argue the fact that there is no need for us to die in the first place. that pretty much sums up the American two party system.

The other day the courts ruled that we (that means us, all of us American people) can not sue our HMOs or insurance companies in state court if they fuck up and deny us medical care for something if we are sick and then we die. This was a huge win for the large greedy insurance companies and huge loss for the rest of us. for everyone of us. the puppet heads on TV commented on it I noticed and then they proceeded to tell us about Britney spears getting engaged as if that was some important news and that we weren't supposed to be shocked horrified or angry about our loss of rights when it comes to our healthcare. I sat there in disbelief. So its finally happened. We've just been totally sold out. again. and it keeps happening more and more and more as the days pass.

Now sometimes I think, ‘its time to start over. We need to tear the whole thing down and start over. Its just too far gone. America is just too far sold out to big corporations and to the almighty military industrial machine that Eisenhower warned us about oh so many years ago when he was about to leave office. but then I wonder even if we were to start over from scratch, how long will it take us to get back to this sorry state once again.... Remember that Eisenhower was the one who single-handedly ruined all chances of America reconciling or even negotiating the cold war with Russia in the peace talks by secretly and deceptively building up Americas nuclear arsenal behind Russia’s back, after telling them that we wouldn’t. Khrushchev screamed and yelled at him and every other nation at the table for a few minutes saying what liars we were, and then he left the talks. And thus began this huge military buildup on both sides for decades. Just because of these lies of our president. But you see, then Eisenhower comes around as he is about to leave office and warns us flat out that our most eminent danger to our great democracy is not Russia or china or any other country, but his fear that we were being taken over by this invisible and all powerful military industrial war machine that was on the verge of controlling all of us. but in the end, what happened from his warning? Not much. We just kept building and giving up more and more control anyway. Now we are controlled by it.

So now we are in Iraq many say for the same reasons. For oil and for profit. Michael Moore’s movie is hitting theatres now and he really tied all the pieces together that many people knew about for years now. he spoke the unspeakable. And instead of investigating it on the TV news, the anchor men and the news people instead choose to just sort of sit there and talk about the movie instead. about how fair it is or how good of a movie it is or how partisan it is. which is amazing. because mike’s not being partisan as much as he's just trying to shed light on something which everyone both republican and democrat alike already knew, but would never speak about in public for fear of losing their lives---that the bush and bin laden family are friends. That they are both investors or shareholders in some of the largest military and war companies in the world, like Bechtel, Halliburton, and the Carlisle group, and that they along with the Saudi princes, make millions of dollars every year from oil together.

You ever notice that hundreds of thousands of people have been taking to the streets in Venezuela in protest to try to take back their country from the current dictator there and the US is doing nothing about it? or what about Cuba. Talk about a country full of people that need liberating. But again, we aren't going to do anything about it. these people live like animals in a country ruled by a communist dictator. In Miami we know about it because we live amongst millions of Cubans who found a way to escape. They tell us how a fucking box of cornflakes cost twenty dollars if you're lucky to get one. and how men get taken from their homes in the middle of the night and are never heard from again for doing nothing but speaking up against their government. But America for some reason hasn’t gone in to liberate these people. and there are numerous countries around the world that need our help but we just aren't helping. But for some reason we felt the need to go in and liberate the Iraqi people. go figure.

Take this recent editorial from Bob Rinear at
“What a world. Every day we have the threat of some innocent person blowing up, being beheaded or getting shot. Yet try as we might, the latest surveys show that more of the world hates us now than ever before. In Egypt, the latest Zogby poll done in June shows that nearly 100% of the population has an “unfavorable” view of the US. What happened to the waves of newly liberated Arabs bringing flowers to the US troops? What happened to the idea of reducing terrorism, and being applauded for our efforts? The fact is that 99% of all that was just fantasy to start with.
If you believe that we went to Iraq to free the Iraqi people, I personally think you’ve been deluded. It sounds warm and fuzzy, it sounds quite noble in it’s intentions. But, if we were really interested in freeing people we’d be in North Korea folks. We’d be in China. Did you know that in China, and not that very long ago, the government did nothing at all while literally millions starved to death? Where was the US? In North Korea, their population has been on the verge of starvation for years under a fairly ruthless leader, and yet we aren’t marching into North Korea to “free the people”. Interestingly, both China and North Korea have nukes, and they don’t have oil. You don’t see us muscling around in many places with that combination.”

People complain that Michael Moore is too angry. Of course he is angry. The truth is that it was never supposed to get like this. America was never meant to be sold out to large multi-national corporations. We were never meant to go to war and lose thousands of soldiers lives because of a few old rich white men wanting to make tons of money. and yet we’re watching it happen right in front of our eyes. now that all the lies of the war in Iraq have been revealed and every one is blaming everyone else for all the lies and mistakes and deceptions, still no one is doing anything about it. the puppet heads on cnn and fox news and all the other news agencies are talking about the casualties and the small details of the war, but no one is just standing up and saying “this is total bullshit and I for one am sick of it. people can we finally do something about this and take back our country?!” instead they just keep on reporting about all the deaths and what not.

It is said that those who are not ignorant go insane. And I believe it. we have no choice now in our history but to act insane. We have to pretend to be ignorant. Because if we don't then we will go insane from our being forced to believe all of these lies everyday. Even though we know that Enron was one of the largest contributors to the bush campaign and that bush knew about Enron’s financial troubles but he didn't warn the American people about it, we have to pretend to not know this. even though we know that our VP Dick Cheney was an officer for Halliburton for years and now we are over in some strange country losing American lives everyday and killing tens of thousands of innocent civilians so Halliburton can be paid hundreds of millions of dollars from our hard earned tax dollars from us invading that country, again we are supposed to act like we don't know this. we are supposed to act like this is not wrong or bad or evil or scary. We are supposed to act like everything is o.k. here in America even though its obvious that we are now literally owned by this giant monopolistic war profiting corporation that most people have never even heard of. The fact that so many of us can know this but not do anything about it makes us all quite insane. The fact that I know enough about it to be sitting here writing about it but I'm not actually doing anything about it makes me quite the insane one.

Some guy tells us the other day at dinner, and I don't remember who it was, but he tells us that he can’t help but feel a little happy when he sees these beheadings and insurgent attacks on TV from the Iraqi people. that that's exactly what they're supposed to be doing when some larger country comes in and tries to take over their country. there was mixed feelings at the table when he said this. you could understand what he was saying and how he felt. Of course they are going to try to fight for their country. how would we feel if we were being taken over by a foreign country that was bigger than us? we’d be doing the same thing. maybe not beheading people. but we’d be doing whatever it took to try to defend ourselves and send messages to the rest of the world.

Ever notice that the rest of the civilized world is not on our side in this. through our own example many of the rest of the countries in the world like France or Germany or Spain slowly became democracies over the last few decades. And now that they are what we used to be they are standing strong to the democratic ideals that we once stood for and completely opposing us. I really don't understand why we Americans aren't taking the hint. I think it’s a combination of the general ignorance of the majority of Americans, mixed with a lot of fear of our government and what they might do to us if we revolted, and an underlying hubris that tricks us into believing that somehow we will eventually make it out of this alright and everything will one day go back to normal.

Yesterday when bush went to Ireland he was met by thousands of protestors and signs all over the country that were very anti-American and anti-bush. Right on live TV in Ireland the news reporter told him to his face that he has made the world a much more dangerous place and there are terrorist attacks happening now all over the world. of course he squirmed and interrupted her and argued. But the point was made. we aren't the shining city of lights on the hill to the rest of the world that we once were. Its not like the old days when we could just do whatever we wanted to. I think the rest of the world has not only caught up to us, they’ve surpassed us in their desire to embrace the democratic ideals that we once held so dear here in the States. the rest of the world are at once disgusted by us, angry at us, feel sorry for us, and frightened by what we have done to the peace of the whole region. Train bombs in Spain. Terrorist attacks in Istanbul. We really opened up a can of worms.

Every reason in the book we were given for going into this thing has been proven to be a lie. But we just keep marching on in the face of all of that. ignorance or insanity? Feels like a little bit of both.

But who can really blame us now? when it has gotten so completely out of hand? if you watch the so called reality TV shows on American television, you will notice a whole string of disclaimers at the end. half the time the contestants are asked to change their minds after “consulting” with the producers of the shows. We are infamous for disclaimers here in America. Car commercials are filled with them. drug commercials are filled with them.

The other night I see this commercial on TV advertising that bank of American offers free checking to all of their customers. Lots of happy smiling faced fake people on TV pretending to be customers raving about it. but then at the end you notice a little disclaimer that its not really true. that's just for people with direct deposits. But somehow they are allowed to say it anyway. Why not? They are paying for the airtime and the station needs the money. so that's the world that we live in now.

And then I happen to notice the cover of blender magazine with Janet jacksons fake tits sticking out on the cover. And that was kind of the icing on the cake. So there it is. fake tits are cool. fake commercials. Fake wars. Fake health insurance companies. Fake everything all around us. there is even a TV show now called ‘fake out’ where you win if you are good at being a liar and being able to fake out the other contestant. Unfucking believable. liars and thieves. All part of the matrix that life in America has turned into.

So how much can we blame our dear publicist who lied to us and tried to cheat us out of $2500? Shit man, she was just doing her job. Just going with the flow.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

o.k. I saw something so disturbing tonight I have no choice but to make note of it in an attempt to purge it from my memory.... it was a TV show called ‘who wants to marry my dad?’ something so fake and insidious and disturbing that you can’t help but vomit and laugh hysterically at the same time. The body jerks in pathos for the players of the farce and twists in agony over the fall of humanity that this wretched dog-heap symbolizes.

if this were some kind of parody in a movie you would just laugh your ass off. But the fact that it is real. That its really on TV and that people watch it... that's where the vomiting comes into play.

Hold on tight kids. This shit is really happening.

Dear Dad

Subject: Fathers Day

Dear dad,

Beaver told me he talked to you, but I don't think he expressed it right. I honestly did appreciate your feedback about the vocals on the albums. I think its rather admirable that you can express your opinions about how you really feel about our work like that unlike mom who only has grand opinions of everything we do. Shocking as they were, I thought it was interesting to hear such frank feedback. Although I do think you should have bought the albums to hear what they really sounded like. I think if I had a son, I would probably be buying everything he puts out just to hear where he's at. To cop the whole vibe etc. but again, they aren't necessarily your kind of thing really, and the subject matter of the sleep with you CD I'm afraid would have horrified you for the most part. I told mom not to buy it either.

For me the hardest part about our connecting in real time is what happened when I was 20 and my mom was arrested and put in jail under false pretense by that ‘conveniently just retired’ judge on a Friday afternoon so she was forced to stay there till Monday when the judge could be found, the mistake discovered, and the charges could be dismissed. I reached out to everyone I knew to help mom and you were one of those people. I even called the Scourge, her ex-husband and my ex-step father, who had arranged the arrest as revenge against her for seeking divorce from him, and even his mother to try to talk sense to him, trying whatever I could to get mom out. Because I know how sick mom gets when she gets stressed. And just thinking about this makes my skin crawl and my heart beat fast when I think of mom getting sick.

Regardless of how you feel about St. Theresa in your life, and God knows I know how a man can feel about his ex’s; I know ex-wives and ex-girlfriends suck a lot of the time. And so do ex-husbands and ex-boyfriends, unless we are real lucky and can still manage to stay friends; and I understand your reluctance to want to hang with me and Beav through the years when we were growing up. I have heard that from so many men who didn't have relationships with their kids so I know that's a real thing... and I feel for you for having to go through that in your life. The Beast has a similar thing in his life where he never knew his own kids and it seems a lot of men from your generation do maybe just because they got married and had kids so young.

But my opinion was and still is that you should have thought about me as your son and how that was affecting me. your son’s mom was in jail and there's little worse I can think of a person going through than that. maybe the mom dying or getting raped or something would be worse, but your mom in jail, regardless of the circumstances being illegal or fraudulent – in fact, due to those circumstances being so nefarious and  heinous it made it even worse knowing what a good person mom is. As a dad, as a man, you should have said ‘son, I know how you must feel. me and your mom aren't getting along too well for many years, but I know how this is affecting you. So I'm there for you. give me two hours kid. I'll arrange for the cash now to get her out. And I'm on my way for you.’ jumped in your car and driven down the two hours to help your son through that.

But you didn't. instead you offered me some philosophical and cavalier answer and went about your business that day. I was literally in shock during the whole experience and that made it all the weirder. It took me years to remember that because it was just such a shocking experience that I had blocked it out till last year or the year before. I think it was deeply repressed. that's why I pulled back from our reconnection. Because I remembered it. when I think of that I just cannot see why you are reaching out to us now and why we would want to connect with you. what are we connecting with? How are we to ever trust that you are there for us in any way?

That was your shot to be the hero of the story. After so much pain and sorrow and confusion and weirdness and shame and trauma that we had to go through with not knowing our own father through our lives, this really could have set things straight and started us on a course of some good and some healing. All those guns you have and the fast car and the military training and all that would have made so much sense if you would have driven into town and been the Clint eastwood and saved the day for everyone. A two hour fucking drive is all it would have taken. But you didn't. you just acted like it was my problem and that was that and you didn't even call to find out how it went. She could have been in there for weeks for all you knew.

Everytime I think of that moment I play it over in my brain how it could have been different if you could have just told me those words instead of what really happened and driven down with a bag full of cash to bail mom out and brought me some dinner and sat at that jailhouse to wait with me and my girlfriend and we could have eaten some hot food together and felt safer by your presence. But instead it was a three day nightmare that I will never forget. Even now as a grown man it haunts me and makes my stomach hurt and my heart heavy. And that was years ago.  

I always forget to tell you that. but I owe that much to you. this is why I don't reach out to you on fathers day. and honestly I don't know if I ever will in this lifetime.

I know you're on a good path now and that makes me feel better, gives me comfort. I trust that one day our paths will cross again.


Monday, June 21, 2004

Played a cool show at the fete de la musique festival in coconut grove. The poet says to me after the show. ‘Dude, let me ask you something. how come you talk like you’re kind of drunk on stage when we first get up there? You walk up to me after the show and you have this perfect English. But then on stage, you come off like your wasted or something. is it because your nervous?’ ‘uh wow, dude, I know exactly what you mean. Its like an altar ego takes over and tries to act all cool because I guess I'm just really nervous being up there... thanks. I'll try to get over that. Be more myself.’ Good show though. New band is really hot.

Lots of hours with old and new friends all day. good times. Today was father’s day. Made lots of calls to family. Although didn't speak to my own dad. For some reason we just aren't there. maybe we never will be. I don't know. I am sure that to a certain extent I am still just holding onto some kind of a grudge. But at the same time, it just feels forced. Doesn’t feel natural. And its hard for me to force myself into things that don't feel natural or don't feel real. I remembered this morning in the bath when we were very young and we would see him once in a while and we would make some comment and then his response would be ‘well I am still your father.’ That would always throw us into kind of a space-out at first when he would say that when we were young like that. get us confused. At least me. I can’t speak for Beaver. But today I understood from watching so many of my friends and even Beaver now have children and raise their kids that having the kids is not enough. That's not what its about. Its about being the actual father. Doing the father things. so when someone was never really your father, but they say something like ‘I'm still your father,’ that it can throw you when you're young. But as you get older you can begin to question the verity of that statement. I mean, a lot of my friends are fathers now. I see what that means now. our mother was really our father. And for better or worse so was our grandfather and our uncle.

Once dad and I reconnected when I was about 27 years old, that felt good. it gave us a lot of relief and joy at the time. more relief I would say. But then I remembered this one time when in the middle of moms divorce with our stepfather, he had arranged in a very illegal and fraudulent manner to have mom put in jail for something that she didn't do and the judge who issued the warrant mysteriously disappeared and retired to the Bahamas, never to be heard from again. So it was a very traumatic situation for Beav and me. and for the whole family. Our stepfather did it just to get back at her and to show her that money really could buy anything. Even putting an innocent ex-nun who didn't do anything wrong in jail for a day until things got sorted out. and yes money could buy judges who mysteriously disappear after issuing arrest warrants for aforesaid young innocent moms or ex-wives. This was one of our first real life experiences into the injustice that money can create in the free-enterprise capitalist system known as America. Beav and I weren't more than 20 years old at the time. and we were pretty much in shock. We all slept at the jail all night waiting for mom to get out. praying that the experience wouldn’t be too traumatic for her and that she wouldn’t have an asthma attack and die or something.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Hey Vancouver,

This is your older brother talking here. Not your blood brother, but your musical brother. Sometimes one is more important than the other and vice versa.

A huge talent you are. But I heard about what's going on with you. not good word on the street obviously. And I know you know that, so I'm not going to harp on it. Instead I wanted to offer advice and consolation from the bleachers because I'm a big fan.

The response to nothing is cohesive has been great so far. all the people in the biz that have advance copies think we have really created our masterpiece. I don't think that yet. I think that's still to come. But people really like it. if response to swy was what the hell is that???!!! response to NIC has been wow that's good!!!

And obviously the same can be said for swy as well since we have had a lot of great opportunities come our way since its release six months ago.

Just try to remember this. we recorded swy and NIC as a band of guys who got together and made great music together. its your classic VH1 story, except we aren't super successful yet. But we are getting to go on some great tours because of our hard work and we are now about to release a real single to commercial radio. I know you don't know what that means yet, but what it means is that INDIE bands aren't allowed to release singles to commercial radio. Those doors are usually closed. But somehow they are opening up to us because people believe in what we have created, indie or not.

The point is dear brother that as a band we recorded two great albums together and now we are reaping some small rewards for our effort.

You too are being rewarded for it. the tours were offered to you too. they were offered to all of us who made that album. And that's an amazing thing. just because you chose not to take the rewards doesn’t mean that they aren't yours to glory in and celebrate. They are. I still say that the combination of you me and Father Bloopy is an amazing thing. and now that we have Rockaway in the band, I feel even better about the band. Although sloppy, he is creative talented and has a great spirit. And boy oh boy is it a pleasure to play with the Poet again~!!!!!! The guy is fucking great!

The point is this: you chose as a man to take refuge in the security of being a side man rather than the risk of being honored for your great work as a creator. We have a real shot now in the next six months here and abroad to show the world that we are a great band of brilliant creators. It truly is an honor. And we really miss the opportunity to enjoy it with you.

But you are choosing instead to step back into the shadow of some guy you barely know and who could give two shits about you instead of the warm and open arms of your comrades.

I honor though do not understand your decision. So I'm not trying to talk you out of it. its you and your life’s decisions and I understand your desire to go big time. but I'll tell you this: as soon as someone starts offering you ultimatums about how you should be and who you should be, run fast. your self respect is everything. and this situation is starting to remind me of the guy who dumps the girl but takes her back only if she will make a bunch of changes that she really can’t make so there is no love left but they try anyway to make it work.... etc.. that never works. both parties end up feeling like losers in the end. so watch for more to come...

Friday, June 18, 2004

House sold today. Feels good. Feather outside the car when I got out of the closing. A brand new shiny feather that whispered, ‘good work Fishy. You have done the right thing.’ I'm heading back to NYC for good this time.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Mad mad mad rehearsal schedule with the guys for three days straight. The poet has now moved back down to Miami from Atlanta to rehearse with us full time. constant phone and email and fax to confirm dates for Europe tour. Non-stop business. great rehearsals. Band sounds awesome. Diane spent three days here filming us for a documentary. focused on the history of the band and the albums we've released to date as well as focusing on the upcoming tours. She got the good the bad and the ugly. Camera constantly on me for three days. I was left with a feeling of how hard and stressful my life is right now and me in reaction to that, how exhausted and irritable I come across. But it was real. It was where we are now. I can’t wait to see the film.

Last screening: Bruce almighty. Jim Carrey is such a talent. I love this movie. It always makes me feel great. Someone up there is trying to tell us something.... nod nod wink wink.

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Up all night last night on the phone with our agent. We talked till 5:30 in the morning. He slightly drunk, me thoroughly exhausted. Universal music in New York has a keen interest but wants to see more scans (sales at retail). He met with them for almost three hours and called me to give the details. The good news is that every major label in America is watching and researching us now due to the undercurrent of buzz lately. The bad news is that its not enough to totally sell them on signing us and giving us the big money. None of them willing to sign us on the merit of our music alone. Which we both find frustrating as hell, especially now that we have completed the nothing is cohesive album, by far the purest thing we’ve ever created. We know that somewhere out there is someone who will want to take us on for purely the merit of our music. we just haven't found them yet.

In all honesty, I would much rather be signed purely on our music than on a “story” like sales or radio play. The former would be much more poetic and honest and pure. But the business does not work that way anymore. [this is why the radio and TV airwaves are so filled with crap lately; because the signings are now almost solely based on sales or some kind of breakthrough story rather than someone's gut reaction to an artists music. so they're here today and gone tomorrow and everyone keeps scratching their head asking ‘why aren't there any really awesome career artists out there anymore?’] But we are willing to go the distance either way. if they want a story we’ll give them one.

Lying in bed, half asleep, I listened to our agent ramble on about how he believes so wholeheartedly in Transcendence that he believes in nothing more strongly. Says he is willing to drop every other act on his roster if he has to in order to see this thing through for us. I love that. he's just totally committed and enthusiastic. Besides yet another rejection, (hey old Abe Lincoln, where ever you are, you hear that? I'm trailing close behind pal. Coming up fast.) Good week this week though. Radio promoters love us. Publicist loves us. We are receiving a lot of love and support now. The love is floating all over us. But just cant seem to shake the money out of the trees of these larger labels so it isn't such a constant struggle for us.

They say in interviews that they're in it for the music. But time and time again we’re told that we are going to have to have bigger sales at retail in order to sign on the dotted line. I understand. Everyone does these days. When the average investment in a major label act in order to break them nationally is 2 to 3 million, you gotta believe in what you're signing. I just wish we could find that one rep or vp who didn’t give a shit about sales for the time being, at our level, because its obvious we just don’t have the funds, and neither does our label, to push this thing into the big sales arena, and just signs us based on loving what we do. We have a great band right now. and we’re happy as hell doing what we’re doing. When we are together it feels like magic. I hope the upcoming documentary shows that a bit.

There are a lot of people right now in the industry that are so down on the major labels, talking about how bad it is and how much they suck, and how cool it is to be indie. But I don't agree. I've been indie for ten years now, on three different labels, and frankly its fucking hard. I know its hard out there all over in the biz these days. And yeah they're business people first and music lovers second. But you know, like anything else, music is a business. so thank God for them being that way. or no CDs would get released by anyone at all. And that would suck for all of us. but still...

Its not that I mind being on an independent label. Its not all bad. We gross over seven dollars for every cd sold compared to the less than one dollar that the major label artists receive. That’s a cool thing. So we’re liquid. But there's just not enough money to be made to promote the band or the cds enough to reach enough people to generate the big sales. That's the dilemma. What would you rather have? a thousand times 7 dollars, or a million times a dollar? I'll take the million please thank you. This weekend is a time of reflection for me. After last night’s conversation with our agent, i am even more dedicated to finding a way, the way, to reach more of our potential fans. You know if you have ten or a hundred or a thousand, that you have the potential to have ten thousand or a million if you could just reach them. If they could just know that you are out there. I know as a music fan myself that I'm totally that way. I always heard the name Sam Philips for example, but just had never heard her music. and then one day I did. and just instantly fell in love with it. I bought all her cds the next day. I was so glad as a fan to have discovered her. we already have that now. but its just on a smaller level than we want it to be on.

So as a business man I know that that's the m.o. at play here. that's the strategy. Reach as many people as you can in order to connect up with your potential fans/customers. But how? On this level? That's the question. I wasn't discouraged after his call last night. I was inspired. I fell asleep with a smile on my face. At least we know we’re getting close. At least we know what it is now. to all of the fans that we already have, thanks for buying. We’ll make more.

Last screening: Identity. Wow. You have to see this movie. I feel fucked up after watching it. What a trip.

Friday, June 11, 2004

Complete insanity. Tour half booked half not booked we find out. agents in different countries working around the clock to put it all together. days before we are homeless. Last night I typed in our name into google along with the sleep with you CD title just to check out how our publicist was doing. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME. that's all I can say. After an hour or so of reading I felt punch-drunk. Writers still ravaging the CD to pieces for the most part, totally not getting it. after about an hour I had to flee, go outside and throw up in the streets. I recently told Juliet how easy it was to have this job... I forgot about this aspect of it. But radio promoters and fans of course constantly telling us how great it is, how many great songs are on it and how it is so hard to choose the singles because of that reason, but one would never know it from reading the magazine and newspaper music reviews. I have heard so many good things from people and read so many bad things from other people, that I just had to listen for myself. So I listened to a few tracks today for the first time in a while with headphones and I loved it. I was just kicked back and you know just loving it. Not cringing at all, like you do a lot of the time after you are finished with some project. But just grooving with it and thinking it was fucking great. Just the first few songs really. That was a wonderful feeling. I was like shit this is good. man you made a good thing there. Susanne this hip radio promoter up in NYC tells me “Fishy you gotta change that CD cover immediately. That's why you're getting the reviews that don't match up to how good this record is. I love this CD. But radio people don't care what your artwork is like. We throw it away. So that's why radio people are digging it but writers aren't. They’re reading too much into your artwork. What were you thinking anyway? Putting a naked girl on the album cover? In these times? Howard Stern can’t get away with it, and you think you can?” I'm like, “I was thinking we were making great art. That’s what I was thinking. I thought it was a really nice idea. Very sexy. Artistic.... you know?” She tells me, “You know what? Maybe if you were black... Maybe you could have gotten away with that. But a white guy? A singer in a rock band? A naked girl on your bed? And all those songs about sex? You were asking for it sweetie.” “Yeah, I don't know. I just didn't see it that way. I still think it’s the best thing we’ve ever done. Music and artwork. You really think we should change it?” “You have to. You said you want to make it commercially with this album? Change the cover. You're going to release a single now to radio? Not with that CD cover. Trust me. Change it and watch what happens....”

Drinks with a few of the boys at a local pub on Lincoln road.

Watching more of the president Reagan funeral services later tonight. I'm not one of those cynical bastards like many of my contemporaries who won't give the guy cred because of his policies that they didn't agree with, or the mistakes he made. Say whatever you want about Reagan. At least he was an honest and humble and dignified man. We had been without a leader of his caliber for almost twenty years. and we still have yet to have a president as admirable and honorable as Reagan was. One can only hope that maybe one day soon we will again. Again, I'm not hip to everything he did. But see more honor it than most I guess.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Dear Juliet,

First day of June. Wow. That was fast wasn't it? I'm telling you right now. this life is going to pass us by so fucking fast its going to be really really sad and shocking. Hang on cause we need to turn it on over-drive to make the absolute most of it.

I am in the middle of so many things right now. Totally insane. Getting ready for this tour. Film crew coming to house for three days to film this 30 minute documentary. Three days in the life of me and the boys. ‘Where he is now.’ ladies man, mans man, man about town, to borrow a phrase. Did you see Down with love yet? One of my favorites. She's going to try to get to the heart of the matter, focus on the songs and the songwriting. A cool project. I picture it more like a docudrama. Want it to be deep and surreal with no story line... and of course she is going to want it very literal and all documentaries. But I will thwart her at every moment, refuse to be filmed unless I am in the bathtub or something... And we’re packing everything I own up and putting it into storage because I sold my house. Have no place to live yet. Looking at places temp here while trying to find a place to buy in New York. With housing ridiculously high in New York. Still working every night on editing the novel. Trying to get the new single from sleep with you released here in the states, get the new album released here for a summer date, start recording the rough tracks of two more future albums before we leave. Trying to coordinate publicity, radio promo, retail store promo, posters, postcards, T-shirts, for Europe etc etc... And we leave for a two month tour abroad in less than four weeks. amongst all this I'm still just trying to be me, you know, writing songs, and rehearsing with the band and all that. My mind feels crazy by 11 pm. I lie in bed unable to sleep. Tossing and turning. But you know. Its cool. Could be worse. This is an amazing life. Just hectic.  [Might use this in the diaries. good summary really. No need to type it twice now is there... hope you don't mind my recent foray into reality TV... with you playing a starring role as of late. Just all part of the big picture.]

Anyway, at the salon today getting the old hair in shape, studying your letter with a fine tooth comb while the t-shirt lady was showing me samples of all the latest and greatest in  t-shirt trends, making huge circles all over your writing whenever I found important points. Hope you don't mind me writing on you like that. all the while trying to sit perfectly still for the stylist. How did this madness begin?

As I said we are packing up everything I own, material-wise that is, in my house to throw it into storage. And one of those things is the infamous 2nd Juliet letter. The one that caused oh so much fuss around these parts a few weeks back. needed to give myself some time to digest it. but I couldn’t put it away. just left it there on the floor for weeks. important stuff in there. intelligent life in the universe after all and that letter was the proof of that. so before I pack and leave I thought I would respond a bit since we speak infrequently. Your life is even more hectic from what I can gather.

I want to turn the wit-machine off for the remainder of this and really speak from my heart; which I so rarely do except in song. I will try. just try to respond to your own letters.

Yes I too was thrilled about our dear friend being a gay rights activist. What a God. I wonder if you ever communicated with him after I sent you his email. 

Yes I too danced around reading your letters as well. but as you know I was dancing in the bathtub.... but yes they meant very much to me as well. kindred souls. Thank God. I expected nothing less. Just took us twenty five years to get here. and it makes me very happy that you enjoy our reconnection. Makes me happy. we are learning a lot. It is like talking to God. getting some answers. Some confirmation. Some affirmation from another. it feels great.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

There was this moment when someone was speaking about Reagan and how he asked him how he managed to stay so calm amid all the insanity of his job as president. And his answer was that he was always used to being in these crazy situations and looking back to whoever was with him in the room for support. And then one day, he decided to look up instead and look to God for support. And from that day on he felt all the support he would ever need.

So tonight as I was resting in bed, ready to fall asleep, I too looked up to God for support.
An amazing talk with God last night. I'm talking like amazing. this knowing. This grand feeling

Ray Charles has passed on.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Fishy and I shared a hotel room facing the Atlantic Ocean and witnessed a sunrise together after making love all night. We also shared a bath, and I wanted to absorb it, to lose myself in the moment. But I couldn’t allow myself the luxury completely. I wonder, as I tell my friends about my random adventures with various men, if I am purposely sharing myself with them in order to develop characters for a book and for no other reason. But I do love Fishy. He lives more passionately than anyone I have ever known.
There was this moment. We are sitting at a table at this marina on key Biscayne. I have promised a pleasurable hour or two of smoked fish dip and rum runners while we watch the sun slowly set and the boats pull in after a long day of fishing. But there was a catch. There was no smoked fish dip mentioned on the menu and our waiter didn't speak English. Although this is normal for Miami, this would normally not be a problem because I can usually get by well enough. But in this instance, I couldn’t remember how to say smoked fish dip. The waiter tried to understand. I swore to him that I had sat here many many times and had smoked fish dip and drinks. It was a tradition. If only I could relay to him what I was talking about. he went to get another waiter. He didn't know what smoked fish dip was in English. He kept saying fish fingers. He called another waiter. Meantime, I'm trying to look up smoked fish dip in my pda. I know how to say smoke and I know how to say fish, but I don't know the word for dip. So I'm looking it up. so I'm trying to use the literal translation. They are all standing there in front of our table now talking to each other in Spanish and motioning to one another. I decide to get on the phone and call Infinito or G2 to ask them how do you say smoked fish dip in Spanish. Little Tree is trying to mime the act of eating smoked fish dip to them. they are all imitating her motions of dipping crackers into dip but they are still not understanding what we want. The three waiters in front of us assure me that there is no such thing. that what we really want is fish fingers. Of course, that's not what we want. We know what we want. We are at a restaurant on the water at a marina. We want smoked fish dip. But between all five of us no one can communicate this to the other. This was made more hilarious by the copious amounts of alcohol we were guzzling. Eventually we gave up and settled for some fish sandwiches. This is classic Miami.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Two days now just organizing all the boxes from all over the house. packing for weeks. I cannot believe how much stuff I have. it is unbelievable. Storing it all into this warehouse till I find a place up in nyc that is big enough and yet affordable enough for me to actually live in. All day today noticing this feeling coming up within me of sadness mixed with relief. it is a strange combination of feelings.

Writing songs with the poet now and then, which is an amazing thing because he is a drummer. But he just has a way of coming up with cool lines or whole songs that I can put to music. very cool. you never know. that's the lesson we learn over and over again isn't it. you just never know. always a challenge to balance our knowing with our willingness to let go and not know; so we can allow magic to happen now and then. Must remember this.

Allow the magic to flow. Be open to the possibilities.
The poet flew in from Atlanta to rehearse with the band. he is going to take the drum seat for the upcoming tours. Rehearsing like crazy with the boys for the upcoming tour. all day and all night. five hours on, an hour for lunch, five more hours, a bit of dinner, a few more hours. Great times. can’t believe the energy of getting these five guys in the room together to play music. a super group all coming together to play all these songs. Awesome. JP from DC3 and the pawnshop drunks is playing guitar for us due to the recent disappearance of Vancouver. He is totally brilliant on the guitar, and vocals, and has a great personality. [I say that now—flash forward a few months... Hehe. You know how the road gets.] so its like a whole new band. me and father Bloopy the only original guys left now, but you would never know it. Rockaway has taken the seat for the piano man. it was just an amazing weekend. Cool photo shoot. Great jams. Good times. telling Bas later that night, ‘it just goes to show. I could have taken this craziness with half the guys ducking out at the last minute as a bad thing. could have gotten down about it. but instead I just rode it out. looked for the positives and stayed focused on what we were doing, at the task at hand, and at our goals, and it turned out better than I ever could have imagined.

In other news: the Italian stallion finally emailed me back after a long hiatus. A brief note. I don't think she's ever going to give me more than that. I don't blame her. all my back and forth would drive anybody crazy. Gave each other space for a while. More like me giving her space. I am an insane lover. An even more insane ex-lover I'm afraid. And she and I were/are neither really. Never really sure what we were. I beg her to be friends. She says its my fault and that I was the one who walked away. I say I never walked away from us being friends, just from us being lovers. She says same thing. so that's where we sit almost two years later still. Somewhere between never-friends, not-really-but almost-lovers, and common associates. Great to hear from her though.

Tampa bay just won the Stanley cup. It never snows in Tampa and no one ever ice skates there. but they beat the Alberta, Canada team. Only in America.

Ronald Reagan has passed on. Well that is an end of an era isn't it? this event now truly marks the end of the 20th century some have said. It leaves you with a feeling of ‘where is our guiding light now? where is our spark of hope?’

Last screening: checked this movie called gods and generals. Wasn't too good or bad. But just interesting to see another perspective of America’s civil war. As I experienced the film I was reminded of the little war that is raging between Americans in our own time. That being for the rights and civil liberties of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. Lets hope it never gets to the point of a civil war of course. But its interesting how far apart we can feel sometimes from people we are so close to in most other ways.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

First day of June. Wow. That was fast wasn't it? I'm telling you right now. this life is going to pass us by so fucking fast its going to be really really sad and shocking. Hang on cause we need to turn it on over drive to make the absolute most of it.

I am in the middle of so many things right now. totally insane. Getting ready for this tour. film crew coming to house for three days to film this 30 minute documentary on me/us. filmmaker friend of mine actually. three days in the life of me. ‘where he is now.’ ladies man, mans man, man about town... LOL She’s going to try to get to the heart of the matter, focus on the songs and the songwriting. a cool project. And we’re packing everything I own up and putting it into storage because I sold my house. Have no place to live yet. looking at places temp here while trying to find a place to buy in New York. With housing ridiculously high in New York. Still working every night on editing The Adventures of Fishy novel. Trying to get the new single from sleep with you released here in the states, get the new album released here for a summer date, start recording the rough tracks of two more future albums before we leave. Trying to coordinate publicity, radio promo, retail store promo, posters, postcards, T-shirts, for Europe etc etc... And we leave for a two month tour abroad in less than four weeks. Amongst all this I'm still just trying to be me, you know, writing new songs, and rehearsing with the band and all that. My mind feels crazy by 11 pm. I lie in bed unable to sleep. Tossing and turning. But you know. its cool. could be worse. This is an amazing life. Just hectic.