Had a slight breakdown last evening which led to some huge realizations and then release about how much I base my happiness on achievement and success... rather than just letting myself be happy, or better, creating real happiness in each moment. took about an hour to get through it. still a little unwieldy from it. feeling into it. into this new way of thinking... could it be possible that one could be happy regardless of the level of achievement or success? interesting right? I had never even fathomed this concept before. they were always just so tied together for me. especially the last few years. really lived through it without ever even considering happiness as being a totally separate thing...

We are staying in a rather touristy area here. notice that when people are on vacation they look at everything as if it’s the most interesting thing they’ve ever seen in their lives. You see people staring up at a lamp post. ‘look honey, they say this lamp post was installed here in 1939... wow...’ I swear to God I just heard some guys saying how amazing it was to see all those semi-containers stacked up like that... fucking crazy how interested people are when they're on vacation. I've seen myself get like this before. but not very often. Only when I was really young. For the most part even when I'm vacationing I'm not interested in that kind of shit. people do the same thing when they are newly in love and out together. you’ll see new couples paying attention to the most insignificant things. again like ‘oh look honey, the maritime museum! Shall we go in?’ now of course you couldn’t care less about the maritime museum if you were on your own or hanging with a couple of friends. But you get in that whole couple thing and all of a sudden the most mundane things seem interesting. ‘How fascinating honey look at this! Says here this anchor was used by Joe blow back in 1898...’ yes. truly earth shattering. I think its just humans way of interacting with each other. gives them something to put their attention on so they can communicate with one another about something besides each other.

Great talk with the Poet this morning. The more I get to know him the more I like him. he's very honest and real. Even when he's telling you he thinks your most recent song sucks, its alright because you respect it. we will make some fucking amazing together.

PS -- It is officially official. There is no freakier place in the United States that I have ever experienced than San Francisco; except perhaps for Key West. But for sheer volume of freakiness, San fran takes the cake. And eats it too. transvestites walking up to you asking you for your leftovers and which parts you like better, male or female, and at every public garbage can there's some freaky looking person digging through it. you have to wait in a line of homeless people to throw your Starbucks cup away. I swear to God. its depressing as all hell. I have to admit coming from New York where you just don't see this kind of thing, its hard to fully enjoy yourself when every few seconds you're seeing some old guy digging food out of a garbage can. [o.k. I must confess I am not including the entire southern portion of our great land, especially not the South-east, better known as ‘the South’ I mean, you aint even seen freaky till you head into Alabama Louisiana Mississippi places like that. forget about it. deliverance anyone? Leave it at that.]

Writing a few songs now. as always. Writing songs. Not finishing any. Or finishing them and never returning to them much after that. there's that whole, ‘o.k. fine I won't abandon you unfinished but I'm never coming back after this you know’ kind of thing with me and songs lately.... Maria full of grace was o.k. but still just so ME. tired of the ME sound. Tired of my way doing things. today got the glimpses of a new one, maybe about San Francisco, a scene in San Francisco, like that. but again I just keep setting the guitar down tired of hearing myself go to the same things....

the sun is setting. A mild wind. We walk to the beach. I scream ‘fuck. God. fuck’ a couple of times. ‘what?’ ‘nothing. Just have to get to the next place now with the songwriting. Have to get to a new me. feels a lot like ten years ago. When I had reached the end of regular tuning songwriting on the guitar. I just sat there and played with tuning pegs until when I strummed something cool came out. what I ended up with was an Open D9 it turns out. and the first song I wrote like that was ‘Bored.’ because that's exactly what I was feeling in that moment. from there came lots of variations of open Ds, and open G and open A, and open Em and from those spaces great songs were written. so I'm not worried too much. Just what's the word... impatient. I know something is coming. A whole new way of doing it. I'm just tired of listening to what I'm creating now while I wait. I could always move back to piano but again the piano is still strung the same as other pianos so you're still going to hit relatively the same notes and chords and still have that ‘western music’ sound to it. gotta be a way to go totally out.

a three doors down song comes on. I go to flip it. ‘hey I like that song. you don't?’ its not that I don't like it. I just hate shit when its so formulaic. I already know what's going to come next. ‘that's not formulaic?’ she says pointing to the new gwen stefani CD I want to put in. ‘well this may be formulaic too, but it’s just so damn creative, you never know what's coming next. really exciting stuff here....’

I'll tell you this Fishy. this is all going to come down to you. you're either going to do it or you're not.

Current spin: Gwen's new one, or is this her first one? either way, VERY pop and formulaic, screaming ‘we want a hit, we want a hit’ from the first note... Wins the award for the most contrived musical project since Cher’s last CD ‘do you believe’ that took five years, six songwriters and five producers etc... but you know, it’s just so fucking creative and catchy.... its like a musical smorgasbord... I get and learn a lot out of projects like this. you can’t help but admire it. rock or not rock... dig it.
 
Also, secret machine, nowhere again is a great song. (now to prove that I'm totally schizophrenic) you know sometimes music doesn’t have to break any molds or go off in some totally different direction. Sometimes it can just be so cool that its good just being normal. That's the way this song is. that's the way the strokes are. you hear them and you think you are hearing some long lost Lou reed or Iggy pop album and its great just like that.

Weird place. looks like Europe. the architecture is so unique. but its all men here. and they're weird. a lot of them come off like nasty little girls with chips on their shoulder – sarcastic and mean spirited. I have never experienced a stranger place in America. At the airport the first taxi driver we hired was so out of his mind and rude that we unloaded our stuff back out of his cab and got into another one. he was totally fucking psycho. Never seen anything like it. and then today some taxi driver cuts another one off and then our driver rushes up next to him and slams his car right next to him to start yelling at him, but the one who cut us off could see it coming so he just ran the red light to get away from him. we’re in the backseat thinking maybe we’ve woken up in an episode of punked or the twilight zone. Where is ashton?

Lot of bums here. or whatever the PC name for us is when we are operating through that identity. Its like they're on stand still. some of them. others are just crazy. but for some, you talk to them, and they're not crazy, they're just sad and disillusioned. I'm sitting on a bench out by the bay having a smoke and typing these very words and some come and sit next to me now and then. some lie down to sleep. Others sit and stare off into space, spotting the occasional cig butt on the ground and bend over to give it a light and a few puffs. Others take sips from some bottle wrapped in a brown bag that they have tucked into their coat or jacket. I remember those days. I spent a lot of time on the street when I was a kid. just sitting and hiding and waiting. I can relate to these men. Waiting for a life is what it seems like. Just sitting it out and waiting for something to happen. you spend a lot of time reading when you're in that state. Reading and thinking. the older I get the less I read. and the more I attempt not to think. I'm starting to believe that they're both pretty useless time wasters.

The bums are not happy. I can feel it around them. every time they moan or groan I want to give them a hug. Tell them I understand. What can I do though you know. when you're waiting, you're waiting... though usually its gradual things that pull us up. its not some BAM all of a sudden type of thing. usually a slow blooming of the spirit, slowly realizing that everything’s alright after all.

Current spin: Keane, hopes and fears. Love his voice. How magnificent. 
Current spin: the Dead, a 36 minute dark star from ’77. unbelievable. The dead were like Beethoven or the Beatles. They pioneered this whole new musical form. Long form improvisational pop rock jazz funk space jams. What an amazing thing it is to listen to the grateful dead jam when they were on. Nothing like it.

In San Francisco. Lots of hills and homos. Such an expansive feeling place. a lot of bigness here. big hills and mountains and oceans and bays everywhere. of course like everything this causes me great anxiety. But I say nothing to the Princess. Just keep quiet and try to breathe. What can I even say or do or think about it myself, let alone to anyone else. not at home anywhere in the world. just always feel as if I'm not at home anywhere. I think that's why I'm traveling so much lately. Looking for something... wonder if I will ever feel at home anywhere in the world. or will I always feel as though I am a visitor, an estrangeiro...

Huntington hotel spa. Aromatherapy massages. Floating in space. Steam sauna Jacuzzi sitting by the pool drinking cucumber and lemon water, ginger tea, fruit plate with honey yogurt dressing, sliced avocado and olive oil. A little Italian bread please. later in the night the San Francisco symphony. Evening of Bach and Handel orchestral works. Water music of course. four glasses of pinot noir. Crazy cab drivers here. roller coasters. They're fucking insane. I don't spend a minute without dramamine in my body here. with all the hills and mad drivers. Chilly and windy man, someone once said the coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. Steinbeck I am told. Later that night, an intoxicated early morning at a dennys for onion rings and a shake and a couple of sprites.

Tossing and turning all night. my mind going mad from the situation with Cleopatra and the most recent report that NIC dropped in the charts a bit. Instead of rising, it fell this week. I am fully aware during my entire night of sleep that I am slightly awake but trying to sleep. A most uncomfortable predicament. Every hour or so I lean up in bed to peer at the clock. I tell myself that I must get up to write but I need to see what time it is... I look at the digital clock on the nightstand next to me, but I cannot read it. it says something like XU:%#. Strange I think. I must wait for the real time to come back. then I can get up and start to write some of these mad thoughts out of me.... an hour later it seems and I lean up again to look at the clock. Again it reads something like UV:DD. I rub my eyes. no luck. It will never go back to real time. I am lost I think and lay back down to suffer in the crazy maddening thoughts.

How can I be in a conflict with Cleopatra? how do you go from mad passionate undying love and romance to so much conflict that you can barely speak and need attorneys between the two of you to communicate? How does this happen? what can I do but hold a space for reconciliation and continue to uphold what I believe in and at the same time continue to forgive?

Current spin: badly drawn boy, one plus one; don't hear it yet. interesting but no cigar. Benjamin Biolay. FINALLY. O.k. I found another great French artist. Not an easy thing to do actually. Don't know who he is. but its good stuff.

A raging battle with Cleopatra has ensued. The details of which are almost unfathomable. She is coming from a place of extreme desperation. It has taken everything for me to stay widened back and appreciative of our past and to continue to be kind and civil towards her. I'm not sure if I will ever really know for sure what happened to her. there was a time when we were very young that I never would have believed her capable of the way she is now. there was this innocent look to her, there still is, that one can easily mistake for being innocent; this sense of naiveté that is unique to her. I would take it to mean innocence and I would tell her, in intimate moments, ‘you are such an angel...’ and she would look up at me and respond ‘no I'm not. you don't know me.’ at first I was puzzled by this... always thinking that she just had low self esteem, you know how people are about compliments sometimes. But through the years little by little I would begin to see that there were indeed two very different sides to her. and she knew this. and she was warning me. always had warned me. but I didn't listen because I was just so damn happy to know her and be close to her. this is always a danger. Its like in the movie ... which one is it? the one with Pacino and deniro where deniro just walks away to save his ass... well I couldn’t do it with Cleo... I couldn’t walk away to save my ass because my ass never felt worth saving if I wasn't sharing it with someone else.

there was a side that was very kind hearted and gentle and loving for sure. And I learned a lot from her about that. she fostered that in me. helped me find it within myself really, and for that I will always be grateful to her, will always smile when I think of how that developed within me through her example. And yet this light side was always battling this other darker side that was very cold hearted uncaring and dare I say almost evil, just very unkind. Lonely, depressed, desperate, never satisfied. When you are around someone like that it is like stepping into cold water and it slowly heating up to a deadly boiling temperature... you notice but you don't notice enough to do anything about it. all you know is that one day you wake and its just too fucking hot to stay in the water anymore. If you're smart, and lucky, you can jump out. which is what I did.

One of the most puzzling things about being with Cleopatra was that we always had to have an enemy. In every moment someone was out to get us, she thought. even if things were going great, she was still upset about someone that we were supposed to dislike at that moment. it could be her mom, my mom, her brother, my brother, the yard man, the postman, the realtor, business people, non business people, just about anyone. If there was no one for us to be mad at, we would be mad at each other. i know it sounds crazy, looking back I cannot believe I was even in it, but this is just the way it was. she was always a victim of someone or something, and because I was her lover and partner, her father figure and savior and protector and main guy, therefore I was always involved in these conflicts as well. which was of course difficult as all hell for me because being the ambassador I hate being in conflict with anyone. If she caught me not being mad at someone that we were for whatever reason supposed to be mad at she would then get mad at me.

At some point Cleo must have gotten mad at me and stayed mad at me but not been able to express it or let it out or integrate it. this is what I am beginning to understand now. because we were so dependent on one another for life and the things of life, she stayed un-mad at me even though she was subconsciously or consciously-but-secretly mad at me. its just about the only explanation I can come up with for her behavior over the last few years. she will align with me in regards to some alleged disagreement or conflict we are supposed to be having with someone according to her and through this she will kind of butter me up and get me on her side so to speak... in that moment we will be almost friends... at least that's what I'm thinking the whole time. if she calls me from say north Africa and says I'm in trouble wire me five thousand dollars, I will just do it, just assuming that that's what we are to one another, ex lovers, ex-fiancés so  soulmates-forever but now going our separate ways, to me at least, best friends... but what I continually fail to realize, or remember, is that at the same time all of this is happening, she is still also in a disagreement and conflict with me in her own mind, only I just don't know it... so I continually get surprised by her actions.. over the last four years since we've broken up I have experienced her incessant screaming, lying, stealing, cheating, embezzling, amazing webs of deceit as if out of a television show, manipulations, forgeries, frauds, you name it, all perpetrated by her for one reason or another and she always has a great reason and I have stood there on the sidelines ready to forgive and save the day, and catch her when she falls, and play along when she says there was a reason, and act like we’re still friends, and act like everything is o.k. if you ask me, its gotta be some complex I must have had from childhood. To allow it, thinking or believing that I was somehow still getting something out of the connection.... I just kept believing her I guess... and you know, I could have avoided most of this if I would have just bailed years ago.

I never thought I'd ever be one of ‘those people,’ you know the kind that have these great and wonderful love affairs and then a few years later get in these big fights with each other as if they were never so close.. that always seemed so hypocritical to me... never my scene. I've always maintained such good relations with my ex girls. but here we are. its like she isn't even the same person. granted she was always a little nuts. But now Cleopatra has gone off the deep end. How the fuck does it get to something like this. how the hell do you let someone get so far off and just keep not-doing anything about it? Fishy’s not sad anymore. Fishy spent years being sad. Fishy’ s not even mad anymore. Spent years being mad. now I'm just ... like “wow.” In awe. Sad that I have to take the actions that I have to take. Truly sad for that. for deep inside of me is still the same loyal guy who loves her cherishes her and wants to look out for her... but now, wow. Just have to continue to feel all that and honor it and thank God for it but at the same time just do what I have to do to balance things out a little bit.

As I've said before, one day I will write the whole story of Fishy and Cleopatra, because it was truly a beautiful love affair, and deserving of such an honor, but that time is not now.

Last screening: watched Spanglish on the airplane. Inspired by how normal and predictable and clichéd this movie was. enjoyable enough for plane fare. but McDonalds. And that's not a bad thing all the time. never turn down a quarter pounder baby. But you know... I'm thinking there has to be a bigger way, a better way, some way to make bigger art than this. that's the goal. That's why the matrix and lord of the rings movies blew up so much. Gotta get out of the norm and blast off into the stratosphere with the art man...

Realizing more and more each day that this idea of happiness, the being there now, rather than later, is up to us, not some other external forces outside of ourselves. Really its just up to us.

quick now because its past 2am and I'm tired and have French class in the morning. O.k. lets say your goal is just to be happy. really happy. or say its to have money. loads of money. or to have true love. In a nutshell that sums it up for most of us humans here now. at this time in our evolution. Still, after all these thousands of years its still coming down to food shelter money love health and happiness, same old. Now you may just being going through your day not even thinking about that stuff because your so fucking busy or you're telling yourself that you are, that you may never think about what you really want out of life.

every now and then it might occur to you. man I wish I had that boat. Or man I wish I had true love. Or man I wish I could live the life I've always wanted to... and then immediately after that is when you are gong to find the thoughts that are creating the life that you are currently living, rather than the one that you really want in your heart of hearts. Its in that moment, the after thoughts, that you have to pay attention to. and that's not easy because those are the thoughts that we take the most seriously. those are the thoughts that are being created by the beliefs that we hold that are creating the life we are currently living.

What I've started to do now is just live like a fucking machine. As if I'm neo from the matrix. Constantly reprogramming myself. Mainly using Avatar or Tony Robbins or Sedona method techniques. Twenty four hours a day. you see, if loads of money is what you want. And who doesn’t. then you have to have that as your mantra. That has to be with you all day. some people aren't even there yet. they're just trying to create ‘I have enough money’. and that's cool. that's where they're at in their thinking. in their beliefs.

But you make this whatever it is for you your mantra. And its with you all day. you repeat it constantly. You are reprogramming your thinking. its really that simple. Every time you say watch what pops up in your mind. Observe lovingly the thoughts that pop up right afterwards. Those are the beliefs that are on auto-pilot in your thinking. and those are what you have to get rid of in order to create what you really want. Because of the confidential nature of all three of the methods that I just spoke about above, I can’t say what to do from here to let go of or discreate these beliefs that you have that you don't want to have. but all three of these techniques are available by just taking these courses.

I'm not a teacher anyway. I'm just talking for myself here. what I've found for me though is that if I grab at those thoughts that pop in that are opposite of what I want, like say I feel bad that our new CD is not charting at number one yet and I start thinking thoughts like oh woe is me I guess people just don't like this new CD of ours. I guess we’ll just have to try it again with the next album... normally the tendency is to take that thought seriously... give into it. but the key is not to give into it but instead to grab at it and whip it till its gone. Till its out of your consciousness completely. Don't resist that thought. Because then it just sticks around. you have to grab it and accept it as your thought and acknowledge that you are thinking it and creating through it but instead of keeping it you fucking let it go. you say goodbye to it. use whatever method works best for you. but don't give into it. I'll tell you this much, whoever you are, you do need a technique. So for me I will share that either of three that I mentioned above work the best from what I've found so far for discreating of or letting go of beliefs that don't serve us. all three are great. So I highly recommend taking the courses to get the data and the techniques down. You have to start somewhere. You don't start driving a car without learning how to drive a car, right? you don't become a great guitar player by not learning how to play the guitar. You have to learn how to create and how to discreate....

This is working unbelievably for me the last few weeks. I am feeling like a new person. everyday more email more letters more calls more abundance coming in. more confidence. More happiness. More smiling. More skipping happy go lucky down the streets of the great city that never sleeps. The thing is that I never stop now. I am constantly focused on what I want. During the day. at night as I am falling asleep. And as soon as I wake up I am thinking about it and focusing on it and doing things about it. a careful balance between doing exercises and using techniques to restructure my consciousness and taking deliberate action in the moment to make something happen. again, its like a martial arts movie I'm living.

Another thing I notice is working really well is that if I think of something that I want, if I notice it in my heart, I ask myself well what does that look like? What does that mean to me? so I grab a pen and I start writing or I just start typing whatever comes to my mind. I just let go in the moment and flow with it. write down whatever that looks like to me. that way its right there on paper right in your face. That's what you want. So now you know. its clear to your subconscious and conscious mind.

Current spin: Bright eyes, digital ash in a digital urn. Don't get it yet. I know this wasn't the one to buy if you were looking to get Conor. But it read like the closest thing I would dig. Sounds like someone with free studio time goofing off with songs they didn't want to put on their “real” album. Which from what we've been told is what it is. but not so worth the listen the first time around. but I'm going to give it another go because the artwork is really cool. I might buy his earlier stuff. God there is just so much shitty music coming out of American these days that its just really fucking depressing.

Last screening: to have and to have not. starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren bacall. At first I wasn't getting it. so scripted and tongue and cheek. But after a while it gets under your skin.

Current spin: MUSE, absolution. GODS! Take everything that Jeff Buckley hinted that he might have been and Thom yorke was and its all wrapped nicely here in this tight little three piece out of the UK called MUSE. Great album if you like queen or really good brit-pop.

Current spin: 50 cent. Massacre. Like it, because I dig the way that he flows. I just love his style. But its all guns and killing and drugs and money and hos and bitches. Very low-consciousness, primitive ape shit unfortunately. Which is too bad because he obviously has a big flu on the kids. Maybe as he grows he will grow up as well. music wise it offers that same orchestral pop meets hop vibe that his last two did. and he even sings a bit on it.

Princess Little Tree and I are very open with one another. Always exploring and recreating the way that the relationship unfolds. Never been in anything like this before. no negatives. Even with the negatives we always attend to them in a very loving and open and honest manner. it is as if we are accepting of our friendship/relationship, there in the moment of it, admiring it, in awe of it, honoring it, and just feeling blessed by it without the need to nail it down or demand of it with our own expectations. She more than I still. always teaching me. guiding me to be less expecting and demanding and to be more in the flow of life. She is so Avatar that she constantly inspires me to expand and to stay dedicated to remembering who we are as creative beings. That we are truly creating it all. each moment of our lives. She is just so there. in that state of being. I can’t really go off on some tangent or normal-human this is the way it is drama because in her presence I am unable to; it just seems silly, her very presence reminds me that we are above it, that we are beyond it. it is very refreshing. I am still very much the disciple. Learning. Constantly learning. She is just so there already. so confident in us being the creators and capable of creating and feeling however we want to. just so inspiring.

Current spin: the 22-20s. fucking great man. Don't know much about them. but awesome. astralwerks has all the cool bands right now.

Last screening: the horseman on the roof. French film starring Juliet binoche with some rather large naked breasts in one scene. A small epic. Singular in its plot. a simple love story. But a good film.

Earlier tonight I found myself with the hiccups. Someone told me to place my two forefingers close together, pointed at one another but don't touch them. just focus on putting them as close together as possible without touching. Within ten seconds my hiccups stopped. Just like that. fucking totally amazing. has to be some ancient Chinese thing... fascinating though.

I'm coming around. little by little , the boy is coming around. I have noticed an increase interest and willingness to sit in public places to write or talk or relax. I noticed this tonight. normally I spend all of my time holed up in the studio or the office working or the apartment studying or sleeping. So this is good progress.

Also noticing that I'm going more with the flow. Like if I'm going nuts during the day I will run to the gym and do a workout. Rather than wait for the “right or scheduled time” to go. I'll just jump and run over there and pump for a while to clear the mind and let off some steam. Its almost a sense of something like “its o.k. like its more than o.k. its fucking great. Life is great. I'm living the life of my dreams.” something like this is what it is starting to feel like.

Like the song says, I really am softening, letting go. more willing to relax into the moments without always being on edge about doing doing doing. Its good to do do do. but its also good to be be be.

Current spin: sigus ross, Von. An unreleased early one. easy to see why it was never released. It is really bad. Just them starting out, that's all. And I am a huge fan. they are one of my fav bands of all time. but may I never hear this horrible CD again.

We are getting older. Looking at pictures of friends that they send through email. noticing that they are getting older. Wow. Getting older. This really is going to fly by in a heartbeat isn't it. how fucking sad. Don't think about it.

I have realized that in order to accomplish these goals, really accomplish them rather than have them drag out month after month I have had to work on these things and these things only. Have come to terms with how one accomplishes big goals, rather than the slow grind to achieving a few small goals in ones lifetime, which is the normal way for most people. but in order to really go after huge goals and lots of them on a consistent basis one must find within oneself constant dedication and direction and discipline and commitment. Has to just be a hundred and ten percent.

Current spin: Gomez, split the difference. O.k. I get it. but again its not where I'm at. has to be more than this to rock/pop. Have to set the record straight and go all the way out there. there is a lot more that can be done. A lot more to it. we are only touching the tip of the iceberg.

Dear Stallion
I'm just really taking my time with it to try to really nail down the feeling of it, our dynamic how strange it is, or better put, my strangeness in regards to us/you... but in a beautiful artistic song kind of way, rather than merely writing about it. working off of your name, Thursday and Rain, as metaphors for a girl/relationship...

I am really taking my time with songs now... instead of plowing through them... I may do many many drafts of the same song over a period of weeks or months...
Just now I wrote more for the song, I just take notes about the feelings, pages and pages, play with words, things like that... and then eventually I just keep singing till the actual lyrics flow out from the various words and sentences off the various pages ... the way they are meant to. this is a new way for me to write. I may take a whole notebook to write one song. what divinity. What freedom. What creative expression this style affords. With the below I may only use a sentence or two from the whole thing in the final version of the song. that's the beauty of this new style.

It used to rain on Thursday
Thursday came and so it rained
In a black dress
A seamless pounding rain upon me
Smoking cigarettes and making fun of me
Teasing me with tears of laughter
I laughed as well and hoped that it would never stop
Her making love to me on Thursday
And so it rained

But now I thirst for Thursday
It hasn’t rained in many years
I am dry without her
I shed no tear for Thursday
But pray for rain each day

It rained in the subway once I saw her
When Thursday came
Appeared out of nowhere
Pouring down on everyone
But no one said a word for Thursday

She teased me
and I gloried in that moment
Closed my eyes and smiled wide
Leaned my head back and laughed inside
and prayed that she would never leave

But Thursday came and went
The first and last rain of the year
I shed a tear for Thursdays rain
And hope that I will see her again

You could go on and on and really you're just sowing seeds. Just throwing them down into the soil hoping something brilliant will one day sprout; to use as fodder for song. so you can take your attention off of it completely. Its not like the intention is to write poetry. Because that's not the intention. I'm no poet that's for sure. I'm too lazy and ADD to be a poet. You're just letting it out without thought to use eventually. Almost like going shopping for clothes. You buy a bunch of clothes whenever you are in the mood that you like without attention to what will go with what. and after a few years you have this big beautiful wardrobe to choose from each day. like that. songwriting should be like that. free. Easy. expressive. Without attention. I used to be very focused and demanding of it. trying to get them done as fast as I could. at least for me now its not that way anymore. in two years I will surely be extolling the virtues of an entirely different style. And again, that's the way it should be.

Current spin: serge gainsbourg, L’etonnant. This is an early serge album from 1961. very good. classic early sixties French fire-side pop music. more like it. had to be something to all the hype around this guy. good music.

I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life today. a few days ago I had a conversation in the early morning hours with this lady out in Sedona who channels... it is said. I had been told by her that I had six angels with me at all times. she said that everyone has at least one, that she has three, and that I was very lucky because six was the most that a person could have. now of course because I do not necessarily believe in angels, but would love to, I was skeptical, found it amusing, but nonetheless was certainly happy to hear it. I asked her several times if she really believed this angels stuff... she assured me that they are real. I also asked her if angels share us or if each of us in her belief has our own private angels... at first she was a little taken aback by my questions. She paused for a moment and then replied that each of us has our own private angels all to ourselves. I asked her ‘well don't they have anything better to do? I mean, don't they have lives of their own? she said that for those that choose that, that is their lifes work in that incarnation. They are happy to hang around us, watch over us, guide us, etc... interesting. she said I could communicate with them. that I could ask to connect more with them. they will never do anything that will hurt you. they will never come into your life if they think it will affect you negatively, she tells me. she told me that when you find feathers that that is a sign of the angels being around you. perhaps telling you something.

Each night I go to sleep and I speak to them. as I am lying there in the dark I speak out loud to them. ‘hi you guys. its me. Fishy. I know you're there. I've been told you are at least. Although I could be talking to myself. Which is fine. Anyway, I know there are six of you. at least this is what I'm told.’ I stare into the darkness. Any minute expecting to see something. ‘so I'm asking you to come into my life more.  I want to see you. I want you to know that I want to connect with you more. I want to know you. I want to see you. indeed if there is anyone in the world who is ready to see you and to know you it is certainly me. I am not afraid. I'm not saying I need lightening and thunder bolts and all that. in fact, I would rather you guys leave that for someone else really. Just show up. here. now. in my apartment. That would be fine. I am happy to know that you are there. please feel free to contact me in anyway you can...’ and every night I have been having this little conversation with them. very happy as I fall asleep. Almost giddy from the experience. For whatever reason.

Today I was in the Hermes store on Madison avenue smelling the new Hermessence line of colognes and admiring some new Hermes scarf designs. Nothing I like more than smells. Except maybe a beautiful girl in an Hermes scarf. To those that know me personally I am berated for my over the top cologne collection. At last count it stood at a few over eighty. I think they call that OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder. But one could have worse disorders than that I would think. I may be crazy, but at least I always smell good. anyway, a very pleasurable experience indeed.

Afterwards, I walked by the Christ church on park avenue, built in 1913. for some reason I decided to go in and sit a while. strange I thought, almost second guessing myself. I'm not even a believer. I thought. But it will be nice, came the thought. I will go in and sit for a while and connect with the God force. Something compelled me to go in. I sat there for a while. eyes open. eyes closed. Talked to God. talked to the angels. Pretty soon I felt the most amazing energy all around me. it snuck up on me. one minute I was only aware of myself and the strange fact that I was in this church, wondering why I was in the church in the first place. and in the next minute I had my head back and my eyes closed and I was just in ecstasy. Feeling the most profound sense of love and peace and comfort I had ever felt.

When I opened my eyes minutes later I noticed that there was this tiny feather sitting on the seat next to me. one of those tiny little fuzzy feathers. Maybe an inch or two long. brand new. Just sitting there. I stared at it and looked up at the cathedral ceiling and smiled.

I took this to be from the angels and of the God force. It was quite magnificent. A few hours later I walked into the men's room at the studio and I swear to God I walked up to a urinal and laying right there below the urinal was this tiny little white feather about an inch or two long. just sitting there by itself. Waiting for me. how did it get in the building? Took it as a sign. Looked up and cracked a smile and a nod. So there are angels after all. either that or there are some invisible birds following me around here in the men's room.


Current spin: David Byrne, grown backwards. His new one. LOVE IT. such art. My my. I'm sure it will be entirely ignored except by die-hards. It’s just that good. so fucking experimental it is making me drool sometimes... in general his voice gets on my nerves a bit after a half hour. but so does my own. so does almost anyone's. that's why Beatles or eagles or Fleetwood mac records are so good. changes it up here and there. not just one singer. this is a great CD if you are looking for something different and creative. Like all his releases. The man just has it.

All of a sudden it is staying light outside much longer. You can sit in the park till 8pm and still see some specs of sunlight in the city. it’s very nice. they call this an Indian summer. where right in the middle of winter or spring it gets hot for a few days. what a relief it is for everyone.

Current spin: yellowcard. Thought I'd try. You know. Good kid music is what you'd call it I guess. pop punk is what they are calling it these days. punk without balls. Catchy grungy guitar pop without that sense of rock-godness. You hear the talent – the instrument talent, well practiced is a good way to put it. But its weird how music is now. the sound fitting in with what's in is more important than the validity of the actual artist. Its not ‘artist oriented’ as much anymore. It’s a game of churn and burn. Artists like John mayor or lenny –jet and keane and coldplay are all great -- are still getting in every now and then but its more like they're slipping through the cracks rather than the norm. Nothing inspiring here for me on this cd. Not like the strokes last one which I just listened to again today and just love. That CD kicks ass. I think Julian is really good. and I think he's going to keep getting better. If the suits let him keep at it.

On the subway. Still seeing the judgments come in sometimes. In the movie they call my thoughts. Judgments of other beings coming and going. where is the knower who knows all and judges not? how long must I wait to become him?

current spin: on Amazon.com for the last two hours doing research. Everyday this week. hours and hours and hours. I purchased 19 cds. got all the new releases coming out that I felt that I could at least get through even once... but most of them I just listened to.... funeral, doves, shins, Decembrists, Kaiser chiefs, Louis the 14th, all the bands that are the next big thing for the most part are just the same old thing with a different singer.... honestly just didn't feel the need to purchase any of it. wanted to want to but just didn't want to... same old 4/4 rock and pop. Nothing new... I read so many incredible reviews and album descriptions only to listen and quickly learn that there wasn't anything new there.... but I did purchase some way out stuff, mouse on mars, boards of Canada, squarepusher, drum and bass, atmospheric, avant garde instrumental, a new sigur ross re-release. Bought the new Gwen CD because it sounds like the production is off the charts. And of course a few of the newest hip-hop cds because that's where all the creativity is these days.

I think that puts the total this month at 50. no, maybe not, hold on, I will check... stand by.... o.k. I'm back. I just counted.... 91 cds from Amazon.com since January I purchased. That's nuts. And that doesn’t include bmg, Columbia house, virgin and tower stores, the occasional bestbuy splurges, and CD collections from eBay (this is my own little secret weapon: go on eBay and type in “CD collection” and just buy other peoples whole collections from them. There will be a lot you have in your collection, but those you can quickly sell on Amazon at a good used price, but whatever you don’t have may be something really cool you’ve never heard of. Good way to get turned on to things...) I'm probably buying a few hundred cds a month at this point trying to find anything in music is totally off the charts...

A few nights ago, before the sunrise, I was on Amazon researching African music spawned by a recent discovery of that Moroccan CD and I purchased a big supply of African cds – about twenty of them. Salif keita, youssou ndour, king sunny ade, ladysmith, Ali farka, etc... and just about anything anyone recommended.... also anything I didn't have of the David byrne catalogue because he is so cool. Very inspirational he is. He is... exploring, adventurous, Totally out there, willing to try anything, no matter how crazy it might sound in the end.  not always on, but who is?

now I am listening to something called a world out of time, Henry Kaiser and David lindley in Madagascar. More documentary than pure music. did you know that Madagascar is an island? Off the southeast coast of Africa? And here they are making music.. and I'll tell you, its pretty normal sounding music. nothing so far here too far out. but good. funny, but it sounds like island music. why does island music sound like island music? now there is a guy called Roger Georges with a song called aza mamaraha playing... very cool. the instrumentation is totally different. Which is what I'm looking for now. new instrumentation so I can add it to pop and rock and new musical ideas, new scales entirely. somehow someway I will break from this mold of creating normal predictable pop rock songs and albums.

Spring in the park. Incessant pain from the Princess Little Tree creation. Nothing is cohesive slowly climbing the charts like the little train that could. me in a swamp of desires and resistances lost in the sea of me like a madman. Tossed about like a little tug-boat. Thank God for the gym. Without working out I would be dead or insane. Years ago the way that I am would have killed me. living in my mind is like living in a zoo with all the animals gone mad. Madison square park in nyc in spring. Any park in nyc. Parks offer such community. A sense of community we don't get in suburban America where we drive. Places like this where no one drives and just walks everywhere. everyone is so used to being on top of one another. I really like this. I'll tell you, there's gotta be thousands of us here.

Wasn't it a week ago that we were all bundled up in big coats and scarves and now everyone skipping about in shorts and sandals. There must be over a thousand people here. remembering the sun. every kind of person. so different from the rest of America. So different than the suburbs. There is real joy. an isolated joy. a shared joy. an exuberance fills the air. For all of us. people are here just to sit and read. to sit and breathe. To sit take in the fresh and the sun. to walk their babies. Or their dogs. Or to smoke or to write. Or to eat their lunch. Or to just sit and stare off into space between us all. couples are here holding each other. Bums are here to sleep and druggies are here to bum. But yes, many people just sit and stare, and assumably, to think, or better, to get lost in those thoughts that seem to come from nowhere. Who are we without our thoughts? Who are we with our thoughts? What are these thoughts? Can we ever capture them? hundreds and hundreds of thoughts. Is it all there is to humankind? Like a never ending movie playing in each of our minds. Secret movies. That only we can see. That only the individual can see. In his own mind. What an amazing thought. The little movies. I sit and stare at the others, imagining what little movie is playing in their mind as they sit there staring off into space... could be anything... one can only imagine...

most popular dogs in the parK? Beagles, German shepards, golden retrievers, or cavalier spaniels. The way the pigeons and squirrels are treated here one would think that they are also dogs. Everyone feeds them and pays them much attention. sparrows as well.

Current spin: modest mouse, good news for peeps who love bad news. really unexpected goodness here. very unique. Totally on their own out there just doing whatever the hell they want. Still basic pop and rock. But good stuff. I like it.

Also, checking out this CD called Rumi, the beloved is here. a collection of songs written around Rumi poetry. the very famous Dariush from Iran is one of the main singers on it. and Ramesh. The more I listen to Iranian music the more I like it. the only  thing is that I have not found any real balls in their music yet. not in three thousand years worth of music making have I heard anything remotely ballsy... it is all very calm and peaceful for the most part. Even when they are totally going for it full on passion it is reserved compared to much of what we are used to from western or Latin countries. Still the scales are slightly different and that's refreshing.

In good news Juliet is about to take the Avatar course, which makes me very happy. another aligned companion to play with. My goal is have everyone I know, everyone in the world really, to discover it. Today was such a beautiful day. spring finally really here. the last few days being so dreadful and cold after spring teased for a few days. finally really poked its head out fully today. must have been 70. everyone in shorts and sandals as if it were summer. I must admit that was strange. I went out all day without my big coat. Talk about a reality shift. The winter coat is like armor. It takes getting used to it not being with you. what will I do with all my gadgets without pockets? Actually almost hot today though.

Started with brunch with the guys in union square, talking girls and money of course, sun shining down upon us and thousands of beautiful people wandering the sidewalks and cafes with bare shoulders and sunglasses and no cares in the world. then a little shopping. Then the cigar shop to have a smoke with the old rich guys. then to the four seasons hotel in midtown to enjoy their ‘afternoon tea’ ritual which consists of loose leaf tea, plenty of alcohol, little bite-size sandwiches, and cakes and pies and tarts galore. Ashleigh was up from Phili with her sister. Three hours in a giant ballroom sized dining room just the four of us discussing the meaning of life over tea and cake and these mini sandwiches, which no matter how many I ate I could not fill up on. But I did discover something ‘Devonshire cream’ which you spread on a scone... wow. Delicious. Couldn’t get enough of it. (if ‘which’ is ‘which’ then how can ‘sandwich’ be ‘sandwich’ without the ‘h?’ English is truly fucked. Just totally illogical.)

Current spin: les negresses vertes. Best of. An awesome French band that throws it all in. this guy I know from French class gave me a DVD with about 60 gigs worth of mp3s on it of French music. this was one of the many artists on that DVD which are all now randomly floating around in my ipod. Very creative stuff. all sorts of funky sounds. Dance oriented but still intelligent and catchy pop rock. Digging it right now. more than one listen. Don't know much about them but will look into.

G2 emails me to be careful about certain pix I want to post, that if I post them now people will think I am a retard but if he posts them after I am dead, then they will think I am a creative genius. Funny beliefs I think and I tell him not to sweat it. I am tired of sweating it now. trying to fit in with some imaginary “them.” instead I tell him we’re just going to go for it. stop thinking. stop second guessing. Just be us. after all man we’re fucking artists. Why not just go for it. Totally in the flow. A new way of being rock stars and artists. The old way. Being real. Pure poetry in the moment dog, I tell him. No more pretense. Just being in the flow. Can you handle it?

Current spin: serge gainsbourg, histoire de melody nelson. Over-hyped. You can hear why the French went crazy for it because it was at the time the most outrageous thing they had probably had ever created on their own musically but compared to what the rest of the world was doing its just not that amazing or awe-inspiring

Just got the call. Our friend Maria is getting worse. She has started to bleed through her trachea tube. It is only a matter of time now. she has we guess decided to head the other way. I call her lover *** and I tell her we are there for her. hundreds of people around the country are there for you both thinking about you and thinking the best thoughts for you. I hope you know that. I know. I know. and Maria knows too she tells me sobbing into the phone. Fishy, there is one thing you can do. tell me sweetie. will you write a song for Maria? She sobs. I already did. I wrote one that night that I was with her in the hospital. And you know what? she added some lyrics of her own. oh my God thank you so much Fishy. that is so cool. I know. it really was. I will play it for you one day. I will record it. it is called Maria full of grace.

Boo Boo Kitty tells me that its o.k. that Maria wants to check out. that will finally be free out there floating. I lied this imagery. It helped me calm into it a bit more. death is heavy for the people that are left behind. But perhaps its not so bad for the person who leaves. At least for Maria, attached to all these machines, afraid to even wake up for fear of choking on the dam tubes shoved down her throat... maybe for her its an alright thing to pass on. I will hold that space for her. for whatever she decides to create. I will miss her though. Very much.

Current spin: ivano fossati, not a word. This is AMAZING. REALLY GOOD MUSIC.

Dear one, love is not a sad truth at all. that is a glorious dream from your oh solo mio heart. nothing wrong dear in holding the vision that everyone holds for themselves. everyone wants that. and you will have it before you know it. i always told you to hold out for the right one that will make your home and life the peaceful loving center you long for. remember the woman has an enormous amount to do with the energy of the home and the psychic of the children and everyone's emotional well being. that's why they are given so much love and compassion and understanding. they are the nurturers.  you will have your lovely perfect person Fishy. just stay in an honorable position until then and after god brings her to you.

The resolution of past life relationships and residues is why we come back as it is part of the evolving process of the soul. the fulfilling and honoring of karmic contracts and connections especially family and love ones is essential to move you through old issues to new horizons, new states of emotional freedom for yourself and them. how do we know the service a loving heart has been for those we have loved. like you, everyone i've ever loved has told he they never had love like i gave them with total devotion and care for their highest good. isn't it a blessing to be able to offer that honey. It is a beautiful thing. so we are completing some old karmic patterns and attractions as they show up for us this time.

we can be emotionally involved and even attached yet be able to see beyond our emotions clearly and be able to finish relationships with grace and loving friendship in tact.

That is my advice for today dear. love mom

Current spin: ivano fossati, 700 giorni. A little too eighties pop but still a good listen. He is very good.

The cleaning lady at the studio this morning. She is vacuuming for the day. It is six am. I am still here. finishing some tracks. “do you want some chocolate?” I hand her a piece. “I have some chocolate. It’s the secret to my looking so old for my age.” She is from Albania. I have never had Albanian before. but I am too tired to think about it.

Today was a fucked day. French class was fine. Recording is good. working on so many new CD projects right now. not quite sure which will be released first. psyched but overwhelmed by how many different albums I started at once. Whatever. a lot worse things to be concerned. In general I feel like hurting myself. That kind of pain inside where no matter what you do you can’t seem to escape it. love. Just fucking crazy.

O.k. but enough of that. on the phone with the Poet tonight talking about the new CD we are about to begin. Doing one with Infinito and the guys in Miami and another one with the poet and who knows who in New York in may. And I am dying to make the music totally different. Going nuts. He breaks down the new tracks we laid down in Miami in October one by one. too normal. Too predictable. Too usual for transcendence. this sounds like another song weave already done... I know I know man. But it’s a good song. yeah but man I just feel like you have go somewhere else entirely with your songwriting. Bro I fucking know already. thats all I've been talking about. but how? That's the million dollar fucking question isn't it. stop writing on the guitar for one thing. I know. too organic. You're approach is too organic. I know Bloopy says the same thing. have to start writing on other instruments. Start only playing with a sampler or something. build songs from scratch like that instead of on normal instruments. You ever consider learning cover songs by other artists? No I don't know any. Well maybe that's a way. I know. a lot of other artists do that actually. Zeke is really into that. he knows all these cool tricks he uses in his own songs that he learns from learning other peoples songs.... but I don't know if I have the patience to learn other peoples songs... I'm seriously considering going to Iran this summer to study Persian classical music at the university there with some masters. I will learn this instrument they have called the tar. Its like a guitar but it has eight strings instead of six. Totally different notes and scales. O.k. but how will that help you write different sounding pop or rock. That's great if you want to start composing Persian pop or something... I know. but still I think it will help. Look at that song ma petite Naomi. You know that fuckin song is the number one most downloaded transcendence song on itunes? And its like three albums ago. O.k.? and what I'm saying is that song is totally different than anything I had ever written before. it’s a fuckin cha cha for gods sake. If I had never gotten into Latin music I never would have written a cha cha. You know? same thing with the song tres cool. I hate that song. its so cheesy. I know you do but I fucking love it so check me out. if I never would have gotten into hip hop I never would have attempted a song like that. wouldn’t have even known how to get into something like that. I wish you wouldn’t have actually. Whatever man. I love that song. I think it’s tres fucking cool. I knew you were going to say that. well  that's my point. Maybe going to Iran will help. Italy didn't.’ I'll tell you that. I didn't really come away with any new inspiration for music there... well that's not true. I did discover a lot of new artists. Hey have you heard ivano fossatti?  Is that that Italian guy you keep raving about? yeah. Hold on, go on msn and I will send it to you. its totally fucking fresh... standby.... and by the way so is cesare cremonini. He's awesome too.

the ambassador sends:
check out this song now:

the poet says:
dude, my phone crapped out.
the ambassador says:
stand by my phone died

 Transfer of "03 Lampo.mp3" is complete.

At this point where I feel like giving up music career entirely. not music, but music career. haunting me. round and round in my brain, how do you give up a music career and still be making music? it makes no sense man, what you're saying. you're going to keep making music, releasing albums, creating new paintings so to speak, but you're going to give up your music career? makes no sense man, I tell myself. You're just discouraged. Lets face it, you like money. you like having lots of money. and right now you're not making lots of money so you tell yourself that you're going to give up to make yourself feel better for not making lots of money. but what are you going to give up really? Making music? nah. Probably not. face it now. get on with it. move on. Its what you do. painters don't stop painting. Get drunk if you have to, laugh at yourself, laugh at the world, scream and shout some obscenities at life, pass out, wake up again, and start anew. But for gods sake shut up with your giving up talk. I am bored with that aspect of you.

Current spin: Rufus wainright, want two. LOVE IT. really good Rufus. Lazy, melodic, orchestral, laconic, depressing, semi-tragic, no make that tongue in cheek tragedy for the person who has everything and still wants to be depressed. This will go down as one of his best works. goes down smooth. The fucking guy...

Today it just rocked me like a thunder bolt. I was in the shower. the water pounding on me, adrift in half-consciousness. There I was caught up in about two or three major conflicts or desires running around like blind mice in my brain. Just trying to wake up, and relax, and sort it all out... and I had this idea to pray. Why? I have no idea. it just hit me. pray. Talk to God-Goddess. ‘but I thought we don't believe in God?’ I said to myself... ‘its not that we don't believe in God,’ I answered. ‘its just that we’re not sure about it, that's all.’

‘o.k. so what you're saying, (and man, who are we talking to? who am I talking to? (‘you're talking to yourself. You know that. its no big deal. Let it go. lets keep going.’) ‘o.k. you’re right. so yeah, I mean, what you're saying is that we’re not really sure about God. but honestly I just really want to talk to God. I don't care that I don't know if he she or it exists or not. I just think it would be a good thing...’ ‘yes I would agree. Lets do it. the worst that can happen is that there really is no higher power-God-Goddess-force-whatever and what we’re really doing is just talking to ourselves in a different kind of a way, and you know, in the end, that's probably cool anyway, probably nothing wrong with that... so yeah, I agree, lets do it.’ ‘o.k. cool.’

And it started from that. just me, standing under the hot shower, naked, head bowed, eyes closed, a slight smile on my face from the reassuring comfort of it. ‘God, Goddess, Force, what you are, wherever you are, its me Fishy. I want to talk to you if its cool...’

‘I don't know if you exist but I would love if you did. I can feel you sometimes, perhaps see signs of you at times. I would love to feel you more. I would to see more signs of you.’

I listened to myself. I was in it, but a part of me remained outside of it, as always, as in all things. the experiencer and the observer. Always. In all things. rarely have I ever been one. At times. but rarely. So I listened. Wow. I am deliberately asking to give up my Source. To another. To God yes, the idea of a God yes, but still, it is a deliberate asking to give up Source to another being... interesting. Can I do it? do I want to do it? who would want to deliberately want to give up their own control/source of the creation of their lives to anything else? do I ask for what I want? Do I preface it with ‘if it your will?’ or ‘if it is meant to be?’ Man that is something. just totally giving in to this sort of ‘fuck it, its not me creating it’ kind of idea. that's just not me. I mean, what? all of a sudden we’re not in control anymore? I'm supposed to start believing that now? no. there has to be a better way. think of yoda man. Yeah... think of yoda...

That we have no proof for a God-Goddess. We have never seen a God nor heard of a God. no God has ever shown up on earth or anywhere else in the universe. The idea, the concept, the construct, was and still is, a constantly evolving invention of human beings, for whatever reason. It is one of the only things, well, much like the idea of the ‘soul,’ or dragons, or vampires, that we created or came up with the idea of, before we actually experienced, for truly, in reality, we haven't seen any God yet. haven't seen any vampires or dragons yet either, but we remain hopeful, and So, for the mind, for logic, it’s a leap of faith, entirely. its just us going out there on a limb in consciousness saying to ourselves ‘o.k. fine, but what if?’

Yes. yoda. He would have no problem with this. God is God. or perhaps God isn't God. that's what yoda would say. But in the end we will never know anyway.. so if God serves, whether real or imagined, let God be.

So that's where I am now. I have firmly resolved to seek out God. in spite of my mind. In spite of lack of proof. In spite of logic or rational thought.

I'll tell you this, God isn't going to show up in any books. He never has. One has to look for God in life. in the here-now. if God exists he is going to exist right here. wherever we are. and in the end, all we have to do is close our eyes and speak to that image in our souls. And listen. And maybe, just maybe...

Current spin : frank Sinatra, fly me to the moon. Another in the endless cycle of greatest hits packages that will inevitably be released till the end oh human civilization. But I bought it for Princess Little Tree because she wasn't familiar with franks rendition of fly me to the moon, or Tony’s, only the Astrid Gilberto version, which if you have ever had the displeasure of hearing, you will know, is in all honesty quite horrendous. as with all frank best of comps this one is awesome. just good time music by a good time guy who knew how to deliver a great song. [for the record if I had to put franks fly me to the moon up against Tony’s in a Pepsi challenge I think it would be dead even. would never dare do it to either man. Tony's has more spunk and pizzazz really, more carefree.

Current spin: Francis Cabrel, double tour. I love Francis cabrel. He reminds me of being young in love with Cleopatra. when life was art and art was life and times were simpler. I love his thick southern accent. My French teacher makes fun of it because she is an ignorant bigot from Paris --- She thinks that the only cool stuff that comes out of France is from Paris, but I dig his music very much. A lot of passion.

Last screening: fat Albert. Watched it on the plane. Reminded me of childhood. Frankly I dug it.

Current spin: Elliot smith, from a basement on a hill. Elliot of course just recently passed on from here... very sad. What a talent he was. Don't know yet about this one. need to listen more. love Elliot’s voice. And sometimes his songwriting. This is... well, lets put it this way... it sounds unfinished. So perhaps a critique just wouldn’t be fair.

Last screening: Garden state. Good enough.

On a plane. Going to Seattle.

French class today started again. third semester for me now and I still feel like I can’t speak a fucking word. Frustrating. But I am entirely committed. I will do it. I will master this language. Will bring down this beast in me that makes it seem so difficult. If not for communicating with the French, which doesn’t seem half as important since they all seem to speak English anyway these days, I will bring it into me and make it a part of me so I can study African music in north-western Africa with the masters. This feels big and important. so everyday I go and I focus as much as I possibly can for a guy who has the attention span of a three year old. But I'm really trying. If I could just get the French people at my school to display even an ounce of passion about anything. Just anything, then I know I would get it better. But they just don't seem to posses any passion whatsoever. Not for their music or their film or their art. The total opposite of the Brazilians or the Spanish or the South Americans or the Italians. so there's nothing for me to grab onto and run with. You know how their music has that lazy matter of fact sound to it... well that's the way the people come off. That's why French bands like Tahiti 80 and phoenix who sing in English not French come off so good, because they are singing more American, more English, more passionate. throwing more of themselves into it. I swear to God these French people come off like they're all on downers all the time. so intellectual and passive. And maybe that's it. maybe its me who needs to shift viewpoints. I need to allow them to be as they are and stop trying to get them to be what I want or need them to be. anyway that's how I approached this new semester and I have to admit I did feel more into it and felt like I learned a bit more.

Current spin: Nellie, his new one, SUIT. LOVE HIM!!!

I'm sitting on the steps outside in front of my apt writing on my laptop and the doorman pulls up in his old beater. Parks. Turns to me on his way upstairs, smiles and in his grisly voice says to me, "its spring. Seeing you sitting there again... its official. Spring has arrived.” I hadn't sat outside to write in four months but spring is indeed here. beautiful days. absolutely beautiful. temperatures in the seventies for days now. seems more like California. God is it good not to be freezing my ass off all the time.

Current spin: ivano fossati, la disciplina della terra. I LOVE him. think Italian Sting meets pat metheny style music. he talk-sings a lot. intelligent. Turning into a big influence on how I look at songwriting.

Today I met a man named Harvey Finkelstein. I'm not making this up. He's a young guy. a cool guy. a guy you would want to hang with. But after he gave me his card, right there in black and white Finkelstein... this was no joke. This was his name. and he is keeping it... if there is any name in the entire history of humankind that belongs off limits to call yourself, but only to be used as the butt of all jokes, it would be Finkelstein... that's just not a name that should be used for anything but stand up comedy... I couldn’t help but just stare at it and wonder... why doesn’t he just change that name? I mean, o.k. its bad enough that he has it... that's his parent’s fault, for not changing it before they had him, and then later his own fault... but then if he gets married and has a child he's going to give that same name to his children.. .and they're going to be forced to walk around with it and go through all that torture as children as well... and for what? some kind of weird pride? Its bad enough to hang on to a crazy name like that yourself – perhaps if you are some kind of a masochist, you would keep the name Finkelstein and be ornery enough to force it upon your wife – but to do that to your children... that's really inexcusable.

Now what this reminds me of is when I first met the infamous drummer extra-ordinario Infinito. He had just recently relocated from Bolivia, fresh out of college. still very young. Never a serious word out of his mouth. In fact, he's still that way today. but a little older and wiser. Everytime we took a break at our rehearsals for the rise and shine album he would go up to my microphone and stand there coming up with very American sounding names and say them into the mic and then laugh his ass off. He would say ‘hold on hold on.... ladies and gentleman, Mr. John Smithson...’ and then he would break out into huge laugher like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard... ‘hold on hold on... listen... ladies and gentlemen... Mr. Fred Baxter!’ and then he would laugh. I never got the joke. At least not at first... but then I started thinking of how my friends and I here in America make fun of Spanish names like that sometimes when we were kids... we would say ‘miguel Jose Gomez... or juan martinez... and we would laugh.. I guess because it just sounded so typically Latin or South American or whatever... and then you would meet someone with that name and you would laugh. Holy shit, that guys name is really Jose martinez or whatever... so Infinito would go on and on... ‘ladies and gentlemen... introducing Mr. roger Wilson!’ and he would laugh... as if that was funny that someone could have that name...

Reminds me of something I read today about the pope dying. It said in the new York times that he passed away at 9:35 pm. And I remember seeing it live on TV in the studio that he died at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Well that's just because I happened to be in America at the time. on the east coast. So that makes sense. But I thought that was strange. time. what a funny thing time is. how the hell are you going to quantify something like that... in the future when people are asked ‘where were you when the pope died?’ they are going to respond according to where they were and what time it was where THEY were, not where the pope was. so if someone was in California they will remember very clearly that the pope died at about noon. And yet the official report will always read that the pope died at 9:35 at night. to make matters even more perplexing, to everyone that was in Australia or new Zealand at the time, they will remember that he died the following day... time on earth. It is quite relative. Next... what else is relative?

current spin: A. Molotkov, this is totally avant garde experimental music project out of Portland OR. Out there. not even music really, but sound. Interesting.

Last screening: sin city. wow. What a feast. Violent and graphic and brutal as all hell. But new. Unique. Bruce was rather predictable, which isn't a bad thing, because Bruce is great just being Bruce as always, but Mickey Rourke God love him can rest now forever. He performed his swan song. He was over the top amazing. worth seeing again just for his performance... this movie made me extremely uncomfortable and sick throughout. But it still sucks you in. Not my thing, but still a respectable work for its singular vision. One thing is, I will never forget it. a lot of critics are giving it an F. And some are giving it five stars or an A. no one can agree if it’s good or not. That's a sign of great art. [in that respect the pope was a great artist because he so polarized society] If you ask me I would give it an A because its that good of a piece of work – on its own, it can stand proud, gruesome and discomforting, but proud --- but I would give it a 7 out of 10 or a three out of five stars to separate it from the better films of all time. because its not that. but it is a damn good piece of art that you won't soon forget.

The pope is dead. (I don't like to use the term ‘the pope’ these days – as if everyone is supposed to know what ‘the pope’ means... if we said ‘the doctor’ when speaking about some witch doctor in Zimbabwe would everyone in the world know who that was? no. of course not. so instead let us offer the same respect to the catholic church as we would any other religion of humankind. Not more not less. Perhaps we should call him ‘the leader of the catholic church,’ which is, after all, in the end, all he is.) Tens of thousands mourn in St. peters square. It seems like just yesterday when Giovanna and I were skipping through St. Peters high on hash and Italian beer in the wee hours of the night, splashing in the fountains and jumping from square to square. “are you a catholic,” I ask her. “isn't everyone a catholic here?” “of course I'm not a catholic,” she shouts back at me in her sexy thick Italian accent, as if I had offended her. she tells me how the idea that Italy is all catholic is a myth perpetrated by the church, that at this point in history the people of Italy are nothing now, they are no religion. They believe in God and Jesus but they sure as hell don't believe in the catholic church. they are waiting to be liberated by some new religion or by a regenerated catholic church willing to represent the people rather than rule them with outdated patriarchic ideologies no longer relevant or acceptable to most. [looking back now I find it fascinating how many people stood in line at St. peters to mourn the death of this pope; certainly some of them must be catholic...]

She went on to tell me how many Italians are scared shitless of the catholic church [hey its not just Italians...] and would never dare speak up against them as we do in America—in that we are lucky in America she tells me, but at the same time they don't go to church or pay much attention to anything that has to do with the church. Indeed this idea is so well known that I even had read the same thing in my American tour guide when first visiting the country. at this point the church is relegated to births and weddings and deaths and that's about it. the people are waiting for something to inspire them and revitalize them once more. having been raised a catholic myself I noticed the same thing here in America. People didn't seem to care much about the church here in the states. it seemed very matter of fact growing up... Catholics weren't inspired; obligated maybe, but never inspired. The last dark veil around the beautiful face of humanity is religion; Catholicism and Islam and Christianity. We need to honor and respect our brethren’s beliefs but keep the truth in the back of our minds. Hold a candle for the light of truth to one day shine on humanity.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/04/06/pope.main/index.html

For me I stand in awe and amazement at how newsworthy this event appears to the world. the man stood against same sex marriage, abortion, birth control, women becoming preists – he still promoted this very sexist patriarchal heirechy where men were above women, the obligation of celibacy for the presithood.. which leads to... denial and then, well, you know what... and so many other modern and progressive ideas, and so to me, he stood against humankind itself in a lot of ways. Still, with that said, he united a lot of people and gave them hope... he was against the imperialist invasion of Iraq, good for him. he is against capital punishment, good for him. that actually makes sense given his stand against abortion, as opposed to most conservative Americans, who reveal the glitch in their thinking machinery by admitting being against abortion but pro-capital punishment... The person called the pope leads one of the richest, most powerful, sinister, and dangerous organizations in the world – the catholic church –  what's left of the gasping roman empire still today; a thinly veiled euphemism at best to those in the know. most people don't even know that not only is the catholic church one of the richest companies in the world, they are also secretly their own COUNTRY. Just over the top crazy evil shit this company/country-disguised-as-a-religion has pulled off over the last two thousand years... but they won't mention this on CNN or any other news network. The truth is only uttered under the breath of those brave enough to even have the thought in their heads.

Check out this photo:

grim right? but why? All of the former American presidents have flown in to sit and stare at the passed on priest’s body... but none of them are catholic... what is going on here? any guesses? Would they do the same if the leader of the Hindu religion died? Would they do it if the ayatollah died? Prob not. o.k., obviously not. not now. but I bet they would do it if the dali lama died.. yes? but still they won't help the dali lama in his quest to free his country from the clutches of tyrannical empirical china... well that's because china has more money than Tibet. And the catholic church has more money than both...  the photo and the reality it portrays is quite startling... why are these men putting on such a show to mourn the loss of the leader of the catholic church when they weren't even catholic?

Well, after studying his life the last few days maybe its just because he was such a great guy. and maybe its because he was so dedicated to promoting peace. He even issued a number of apologies on behalf of the catholic church over the last ten years for the horrors perpetrated by Catholics over the last two thousand years to the rest of humanity. That's just fucking amazing. that alone makes him a good guy. better than many that preceded him. for sure.

I keep my eyes on the prize at the end of the right and wrong game when humans will no longer be satisfied being ruled by archaic dogma, but instead will choose self rule and self governance on all levels in their lives. But those days may still be quite a number of years away from us at this point in our slow evolution. People are religious I remind myself. This is real. It is I who lives in another world. the world is still in the world. and though I don't see it, even I am in that world. I just pretend not to know it. people, I remind myself, are religious here on earth still. and dogma is king. Beaurocracy is king. Hierarchies are king.

At the metropolitan museum of art in central park with a big group of matrix-website community members. I'm serious. Met Nebraska and his wife little Nikki there who were up from Miami for the day to meet a bunch of people from this community who flew in from different countries around the world. they're all members of this matrix website community. Crazy. but cool.

I was in the van Gogh room and I had this realization that our industry, the music industry is totally fucked up. totally anti-art. The way the painters would do hundreds of paintings a year. just let themselves go free do whatever they wanted to in the moment – freely express themselves as artists and how in the music industry we aren't even supposed to make more than one album a year for fear of wasting it because the “fans” don't want to buy more than one album a year from the same artist... all these rules. Have to just break the whole fucking thing wide open. and let the pieces crumble down around us. MTV and the radio has murdered the art form of music. just obliterated it. 

When I got home tonight from the museum – great chili by the way at this restaurant that sells nothing but soup, that's another story, only in New York, is there a better place in the world? maybe not --- I sat and watched videos with this twelve year old kid who lives upstairs, Tyler. We get along great. Hang out a bit on the rare occasion that I am home. we jam on our guitars and listen to music and watch videos. I'm up in his room watching videos... I wonder what his parents think.. they always thank me for hanging out with him, so that's cool. I guess they don't mind. so yeah we’re sitting there watching videos and I was horrified by how bad the music was in most of these really popular songs... just couldn’t believe it. they all sound the same. Very generic and formulaic. I'm sitting there swigging red wine from the bottle and Tyler is asking me for some. Man I need some wine. This music is so bad, he tells me. Bro you're twelve. You don't drink wine. Drown your sorrows in Coke. As a twelve year old he even hears it. he has posters of bob Dylan and Bruce springsteen and the Beatles and the stones and zeppelin all over his walls in his bedroom. NOT the modern music of today. and this is a twelve year old. Even he hears how crappy today's POPular music is compared to the older music. (not that there isn't great music being made right now, because there is, lots of it. its just not popular.) and the kid is fucking twelve. So its not just me and the guys in the band. the labels tell us that we have to listen to more of the music of today and try to make our next album more like that. that our sound is too left of center, that it doesn’t sound like anything out today. after watching MTV tonight with Tyler I am glad about that. no wonder we don't sound like the music of today. how the fuck are we supposed to do that? we are fucking creative for gods sake. We are creators. Not craftsmen. Nuts. Totally fucking nuts.

I've decided to form another band or two. And continue on in recording more than one album at the same time. I would like to work on all three at the same time right now. with three different themes and three different producers. The rules say you don't do that. on all accounts according to industry standards I am totally off base. But from this point forward I am saying goodbye to all the rules of the business. just saying fuck it to everything that anyone has ever told me about the music business and what you are supposed to do and not do. its all just hype and crap anyway. The only thing that matters is the art itself at this point.

Being in the museum reminded me how inspirational painting can be for music making. Endless hours of inspiration. New ideas and new possibilities abound.

Current spin: Morrocco, sands of time. this is totally out there, off the dial stuff. non-pop. Brilliant. I could listen to it forever.

Last screening: earth girls are easy. o.k. I think I have now finally seen the worst movie of all time.