Trying to sort things out with the whole love/relationship thing lately. Spent the night with Madelynne and Mohdie and the Ferret and Bas doing the Christmas thing like always. Haven't spoken to Cleo since Friday, which still just feels very weird. Haven't totally come to terms with our present situation yet. God, maybe I never will. But the theme of the month, really for the last year and a half has been love, romance and relationships.

Is there a way to appreciate beauty without feeling like you have to own it and possess it? And is there a way to spend really good quality time with someone without feeling like it has to own you? Without feeling like it has to go on forever? I have always been of the mind and heart where once I love a girl, I don't necessarily stop loving them ever. The love may change a bit, but it doesn’t go away. That doesn’t mean that I want to be with them or marry them or get jealous of their new boyfriends or husbands, but it's like I am just really sentimental. So I do want to stay in touch with them and I notice myself think about them often and want to talk to them and buy them gifts as friends from time to time, and just be there for them. But some girls do not like this. 

Late last night I discovered that la Princesa had left the present and Christmas card that I had left for her earlier that day on my doorstep. I guess she just didn't want it. She won't talk to me. and won't even take a Christmas present from me. I was shocked, but I understood. My friends were like ‘oh my God Fishy are you O.K.?’ but I was O.K. Because although for me once you cross that line with someone, once you make love and you share that intimacy, then for me it feels like you are bonded forever, like you become blood brother and sister or something. But for some girls they just feel like, look, you don't want to marry me, or you're not the one, so get the hell out of my life and don't come back. I appreciate that. I don't agree with it, but I can see that side of it. To me it's just not what love is all about. I still think of her so fondly and lovingly. I'm not going to stay in a relationship that I don't think is one hundred and ten percent optimal, and at the same time, I'm not going to cut someone out of my life just because they “weren't the one” either. Maybe there's a balance?

I'm not saying I am right in this—not that I believe that there is a right or wrong, but I am slowly starting to see that I am really in the minority on this one. For me, I don't care if they broke up with me or I broke up with them, I just think it's important to keep the connection itself open between us. To me it seems like when you break up, regardless of whose heart got broken, if that was the outcome, it's important to just keep that communication alive, because after all you shared so much together and you invested so much, why just abandon all of that. To me that just devalues it all. To me that minimizes the sacred bond that you created when you were together, and all of the time you put into it getting to know each other. But I have noticed that a lot of girls just don't feel that way. They are like, ‘it's my way or the highway buddy. And if you don't want to get married, then why the hell are you still calling me?’ And I'm like, ‘well we did just spend two months together and I think that's worth something.’ I really honor and appreciate every single relationship I have had and I feel this longing to keep that connection with that girl open and alive. And I really don't care if they broke my heart or if they think I broke theirs. I just don't want to end it and then never talk to that person again. But again, I have noticed lately that that is just not the norm for a lot of people.

I have been single for about a year and a half now. And it has been a pretty crazy rollercoaster, having come out of a very long term relationship. It felt like learning how to ride a bike again. I opened my heart up and just started dating all these girls, and yes I have had my heart broken and trampled upon a few times and that does hurt an awfully lot, and unfortunately I have found that I have hurt some girls along the way too, and that hurts even more, because you really try hard not to hurt anybody but sometimes it just happens no matter what you do. But that is just part of the dance. To me that doesn’t mean that you cant ever talk to that person again. It just means that your dynamic has changed. I really believe that you can be there for each other still, as a good friend and comrade along the way.

And another thing. Great love unfortunately does not necessarily mean great sex. And great sex does not always equate great love. These two reality checks though can certainly cause great pain and confusion for everyone involved in either affair.   

Working on the song ‘I Want It Now.’

Just discovered the new Sony clie handheld, it's ultra thin, has a digital camera and a voice recorder built in, with palm OS inside. Now that's worth celebrating a holiday over.

Current Spin: Queens of the Stone Age.

Last Flick: Two Weeks Notice, with Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock. Woke up and watched, Grass is Greener, this morning with Cary Grant. Hugh Grant, Cary Grant????