Thanksgiving morning. Woke up to Justin’s new one, justified. KICK ASS! Brown Bear is getting married today. I am responsible for playing the different CDs during the ceremony. Which means I am supposed to be there by 10 am. I tell Brown Bear over the phone dude how the hell am I supposed to be there at 10AM? You know how fucking early that is? Are you crazy? anyway I scheduled three different wake up calls to make sure I woke up in time. I made it. Justin's new CD is slamming and deserved the attention it got. It’s a white guy making black music so its got that touch of both; sounds really groovy. Watched a little football to wake up. And got ready.

I was one of the few friends of brown bears invited to this his second wedding. So I decided not to go fly home to be with the fam this year so I could do his wedding. I felt very honored to be a part of a very intimate family affair. Man we go back a long time. the Wolf wasn't here. I don't know why. the cat either. Can’t get a hold of the cat. Miss her a lot. They are going through such changes now. divorce and selling the house and all that. who would have known? life really does kind of ebb and flow in a way that is unpredictable at times. And we keep flowing. We don't have a choice.

The wedding was very beautiful. in the back porch, under the cool sun. there was a moment when Brown Bear was saying his vows to his new bride, shall we call her little bear, and she had this look in her eye, staring up at him and you could just see this love and appreciation and joy in her eyes. it was something that I hope to see in my own bride’s eyes one day. it was heart-warming. A truly joyous affair. After the ceremony, a few people made a toast. So I said one myself, “on behalf of all of your friends that I am sure wish they could be here on this special day, I want to make this toast which has very profound connotations among men: a very long and high pitched “ddddduuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudddddddddddddde.” All the older people looked at me like ‘what did he just say?” it was very funny. But his mom gave me this look of ‘thank you’ with a glean in her eye. We all clinked glasses.

Ali Bear is here of course. I am sitting here typing and watching her out of the corner of my eye. She is holding a baby. She looks so beautiful and motherly in the cool sunlight. We used to date back in college. Spent a few months together. We had a nice time. I stare at her and wonder. She's going to make a wonderful wife. Happy to still be here. part of their family for so long. the kind of friends where you take each other for granted almost. You can be in the same house for a few hours and just hang out. I have that here with them. I like that. we’re lucky when we have that in our lives. not being with my own fam this holiday and yet so appreciative that I have two very special places to go, two kind of surrogate families. After this we’ll all meet up at Madelyn O'Ryan’s house for another dinner and desert.

Last night I went to Zeke’s to record trophy wife’s background vocals to our new album. we are finished at Vancouver's house. Just trying to finish some backgrounds on nothing is cohesive. Zeke volunteered to finish producing it and mix it. I found myself so happy working with trophy wife again. she has this amazing voice and it gets me very giddy singing with her. She glows.  Like an angel. Similar to Madelyn O'Ryan. There's pix of her on the rise and shine album. She is a special person, kind of child-like, innocent, sweet natured, so it adds this touch of sweetness and joy to our projects. She is our secret weapon. It really felt good, working out the back ground vocals to a few songs, tomorrow and bored. I thought to myself, this is what Transcendence is all about. This is transcendence. This interaction between the three of us working on this great music.

Quickly. For I am sitting on the back porch of the Brown Bear’s house writing right now, maybe being a little bit of a loner. So last night at the very last minute I am all of a sudden asked to go pick up a pizza for everyone so trophy could finish cutting her tracks. Now they live in my old neighborhood of many many years ago. Not far from it anyway. I pull into this office park and I immediately recognize that I should recognize this building. At first I do not. But then I do. could it really be? I went in to pick up the food. And then walked around the different offices. And there it was. Dr. ???? Man I forget what I used to call him in the diaries from years ago. his name still on the gold plaque. I was standing in the plaza of the psychiatrist’s office I used to go to about ten years ago back when I was a teenager. I felt this amazing sense of pride and power. i thought about what I used to be like back then. How mysterious everything seemed, especially myself. How out of control I felt, how helpless, and how confused by everything. and now I always feel so happy and proud and confident and you know that feeling that you just kind of know. I couldn’t believe I was here. it was the hand of God. Again. I felt such a sense of power and pride and happiness and joy that I asked the hostess to come take a picture for me in front of the sign. Funny, I know. I could be the biggest geek in the world perhaps. “Pardon me, I wonder if you could walk down the hall here and take a picture of me in front of this doctor’s sign.” “Well aren't you here to pick up a take out order?” “Uh yeah, I know it sounds crazy, but this will only take a second.” But it was a moment for me. It was profound.

Some people will swear up and down that people don't change. That they can’t. But we can change. Its up to us. Some people have a kind of cynical attitude about themselves or others. The whole “That’s just the way it is” mentality. Sometimes people say you never know what hand you’re going to get dealt. Or which way life is going to take you. Last night after remembering what it was like for me back then as a scared and confused and depressed seventeen year old kid, I felt very happy to be the man I am today. I felt like God or an angel carried me there to show me that and then also to tell me to get the hell out of here for good and move on with my life. it was like, ‘o.k. bro, your time here is done. Look where you are now? Right back where you started all those years ago. just to show you where you’ve been. Time to move on now.’

[footnote: as we get older we start noticing all sorts of things about our friends. Some of them are depressed. Some of them drink too much. Guys think all girls are bitches and girls think all men cheat. Other friends will tell you they have ADD, or dyslexia, or can’t ever seem to make a good living for themselves. Some of them can’t ever get over a failed relationship. Or a lost job. Some can’t quit doing drugs or can’t stop smoking or can’t ever seem to lose weight. It goes on and on. When we’re young this stuff is easier to cover up. its easier to play it cool, but as we get older this stuff gets more apparent. I'm always the one ringing people up saying c'mon man check out this course or listen to this tape or read this book. And some people are open to that while others are just really against it. The whole ‘things can’t change’ mentality... I can’t change thing sets in for them. [Remember hooking up with Queenie for the first time in eight years and seeing that everything was pretty much the same in her life. same apartment. Same attitudes about life. still seeing the same therapist. Man if your fucking therapist hasn’t fixed you in eight years, I'd say its time to move on to something else.] I guess this moment for me was one of those moments when you realize that ten years can pass and holy shit things did change. You realize, wow we've come a long way baby. Stuff can really work if you work it. if you are really focused on creating positive change in your universe, and you work at it, you can wake up one day and actually measure all the positive change you’ve created. It was an epiphany.]

Intermission..... get up. Stretch legs. Buy popcorn. Use the restrooms...



Great football game. Fell asleep on brown bears couch. His whole family around. Fun hanging out with their family. So happy for Brown Bear. He's blessed with this new girl. She loves him so much. And besides that she is cool as they get. after their house I went and picked up Red from Seattle who is still in town. Took him up to Madelyn’s families house. Always go there for thanksgiving if I am in town. I have for maybe fifteen years now. Madelyn is VERY pregnant. And very beautiful. she is glowing right now from it. looks like an angel. The more I get to know Mohdie and its going on ten years now the more I get to like him. the only thing I don't like is how he makes fun of Maddie sometimes, she is the butt of many of his jokes which I think makes me and others slightly uncomfortable at times because we know how sensitive she is, but maybe this is just one of those things that you have to accept. I don't know yet how exactly to feel. I mean I guess he is just telling like he sees it, and it doesn’t seem to affect the way he feels about her or her in a bad way. he seems to love her and be so there for her that its very nice and inspiring. But yeah I noticed that last night I had this feeling about him that he is just so smooth. The guy is kind of like one of those superheroes. You know, motocross champion, teacher of the year, coach of the year, surfer, award winning cyclist, marathon runner, etc etc. but when you hang with him he is just this really mellow humble but confident guy who wouldn’t hurt a fly and who cares about everybody. You like him easily. O.k. but I have to say this: (actually I cannot even believe that I am writing this due to Madelyn O'Ryan being pregnant—its truly fucking uncanny—I can still remember hiding under her bed when her dorm room mother would come in when we were in college) but Mohdie won't let them name their baby Fishy because its my name and he said he would have to kill me if that happened (and seriously who would want to be named Fishy? for me it has always presented quite the challenge actually) but now they might name their baby after his old girlfriend. So how fair is that? Granted, she is no longer with us anymore, and I still am, at least today still, so perhaps that gives her the extra edge in the name department, but I mean, c'mon, throw a brother a bone. I'm sure as hell not going to name my own children Fishy. lol.

Anyway, finally told them honestly what has been happening between me and Cleo. Said I shouldn’t talk to her for a while. and just since I made that decision, I feel a lot better. drove home very full and happy with Red at about 4 in the morning. Felt so happy that I have these friends. It was a true thanksgiving. Really memorable.