It's Christmas. I just woke up. The house is filled with the joy of the day. the girls have opened half of their presents. Beav and T are in the kitchen making breakfast. Mom is playing with the girls and the Christmas day parade at Disney is on the television. I'm going around taking pictures of everyone. They said, Fishy now that we had to come home here to your moms, (after having moved to Kansas this year and not living close to mom anymore) we understand why you are so excited every year to come here. Everyone is so happy to be together. Our hearts are filled with joy.  

[There was a moment this morning sitting on the floor by the Christmas tree opening our presents. We had the CD player on shuffle spinning various Christmas cds and a song came on from Elvis. T makes this comment, oh awesome, Elvis. Someone says oh honey does it remind you of your father? [T’s father is a boat captain and in his spare time is an Elvis impersonator. I'm not making this up. its true. and like mine and Beav’s father has just never been around.] And she says, this is probably the closest I'm going to get to talking to my father today. Everyone stopped for a moment. Just silence. Then I said, ‘you know what T? We probably won't talk to our father either. Those guys can just fuck off.’ And we went about our glorious morning. As much as it may hurt or make you angry as a person whose father never cared about you, and its certainly fun and somehow sinfully rewarding to take a jab at them whenever you can, underneath it all I have an understanding of it too. I mean a deeper understanding of what it must be like for the men whose wives just happened to get pregnant and all of a sudden at a very young and immature age found themselves fathers, even if perhaps they hadn't planned on it or didn't even feel ready for the experience. Back then it wasn't like it is today where people plan that kind of thing out more. people are waiting a lot longer to have children now. back then they were pushing them out by their early twenties as was the case with our parents. Me, I have purposely tried to avoid having children, trying to put if off as long as I can, because of this fear of not wanting to be the kind of run away dad that my own father was. I know how it affected me and Beav. And I wouldn’t want to do that to anyone. So I just keep trying to avoid it. chances are Beav and I will force ourselves to call the old man sometime today and wish him a Merry Christmas and shoot the breeze a little. But that's a strange thing, your relationship with a father who you never really got to know growing up. you just can’t force that relationship. The connection is just not there. you start to realize that your family may not be your blood all the time. when it is it’s a great thing. but its not always that way for everyone. T and her sister were raised by their grandparents, and so that's who their real parental figures are. And that's o.k. with them. And for me and Beav it was our grandparents and our mom. Mom was our father and our mother. And the older I get the more I start to realize that me and Beav are extra lucky for that. for having a mom who was so awesome that she could be both like that for us. this year has really been amazing for me. last year I probably spent a few thousand dollars on Christmas presents for everyone in my world. That's where I was at financially and had been for a long time. This year I didn't have squat for cash so I barely gave presents to anyone. Just mom. And as much as it sucks being financially strapped like that, it has had a really profound effect on me. it kind of forces you into really appreciating the simple things about the holidays. Like just being able to afford to fly out here and be with your family. If I ever do have the blessing of having children I hope I can be as good of a parent as my own mom was.]