Several things real quick...

Towards the end of holiday at moms I discovered that you can actually make meat in the oven and then not only eat this freshly made meat a few hours later, but that you can then use it for sandwiches for days and days afterwards. It was like a revelation. Single guys can cook meat at their house? no way. so off rushed to the grocery store to buy some meat. Buying meat is another story. There is a lot of meat out there. and with the whole mad cow disease thing happening now here in the states, it’s a little intimidating. If one is to die from eating a piece of meat, then it better be the right meat. I mean, it better be a damn good piece of meat. But what is a good piece of meat. I had the Little Tree on the phone. “I'm in the meat department. What do I buy???” “well what do you want?” “how the hell do I know? I've never made meat before.” “well what do you eat at home then?” she asks. “I haven't eaten at home in years. I don't eat anything at home. sometimes popcorn. Cereal and milk. Brie and crackers. Fruit. Pasta. Soup. and that's on the rare occasion.” “So what kind of meat do you like?” “Well what is a pot roast like? Could we make roast beef out of that?” “Yes you can.” “you mean I can just buy a pot roast and then cook it in the oven and pretty soon we could have slices of roast beef in the house?” “Yes you can.” “o.k. so that's what I will buy. A pot roast. And we’ll cook it ourselves.”

So later on I called Bellsouth about the phone bill. “Mam I think there is a problem on our phone.” “what is it?” “well doesn’t it seem a bit high?” “well isn't this what you always pay?” she asks. “to be honest, I have no idea.” I say. “I haven’t paid bills in years. And now I am just starting to take a look at them and it appears that we’re paying like over a hundred dollars just for local phone service and we don't even use that phone. In fact I don't even know where the house phone is. I mean we have cell phones and all...” I had her on the portable phone. And I was walking around the house talking to her. She was trying to talk me into keeping all these extra things that we had which makes sense, I mean that's their job, and I was trying to get it lower. “Honestly mam, I haven't even seen our house phone in years. I don't think we should really be paying so much. Lets just have the basic phone thing in the house just in case we ever find it and need it, O.K?.... 

by the way, I'm trying to cook a roast in the oven... do you know anything about making a roast???” “Excuse me sir?” “Well you know, we’re a couple of single guys and we've decided to make meat in our own oven here at our house. and I'm not sure how to do it. Have you ever made meat at your house before?” I think she went into shock at first. But then she started breaking everything down for me and asking me all these questions. “Do you have a meat thermometer there sir?” “Uh I wouldn’t know. where do I look for a meat thermometer. Does it come with the meat?” “O.k. forget about that. do you have a bag of potatoes there?” “Oh no, but that would be great wouldn’t it?” “Well of course. Then you could use the juices of the meat to marinate the potatoes.” “Wow this is really exciting isn't it?” I say to the very friendly customer service rep from the phone company.
She must have stayed on the phone with me for about a half hour or so. She guided me through the whole meat making process. Maybe just for roasts. She also started teaching me about the different kinds of meats that are out there. this thing in our oven was a shoulder. Can you imagine? We eat shoulders of other animals. Wild. She was a wife and mother of three so she knew all about making meat. She went on to give me such good advice about cooking meats and stuff in the oven. It was great. She taught me all this stuff about cooking. Taught me how to season it and how long to keep it in for. I got home last night at about 3 in the morning and opened the oven to see what I made. it looked like Bas had already took some huge chunks out of it so it must be pretty good. I started shaving off little slices and tasting it. Before I knew it I was standing there in the dark just savoring this fresh warm roast beef in my own kitchen. Crazy. In a few days I will try to make something else.

Thinking more and more about the George bush attacking Iraq thing. and here's the deal. Its not like I'm jumping sides here. But I started to look at it from their perspective. From the other side. I'm seeing the whole situation in a different light now. I know it sounds crazy. the 9/11 attacks gave us the opportunity to take over Afghanistan. I don't know if we really needed Afghanistan or not. And from what I know we had already been supporting the Taliban for years giving them millions of dollars but after those 9/11 attacks they pretty much sealed their fate. The Afghans were soon to be ours.

Obviously they couldn’t attack Saudi Arabia. Because evidently the Bushes are in too deep with the Saudi families. The rumor is that's why finding or catching Osama bin laden hasn’t been such a big priority because he may have more to do with the Saudis than anyone's willing to consider. So we sort of put that whole thing on the back burner. Just cannot go there. we already have Israel. And Egypt. And then there are all these other countries mixed up in there, and Iraq was the easiest target. They must have known that the guy wasn't going to be much of a match. And not only that, but he has all this oil. So not only could we get access to all this oil, we could also get a stronger foot hold in the middle east and not risk huge losses in a war because they figured Iraq didn't have much of an army. If anything it just strengthens our foundation in the Middle East strategically. And then bam look what happens to Libya. They got scared and just said fuck it lets join the infidels because we don't want this happening in our own country. So there it is.

Of course that's just one way to look at it. but its one more country we control now in the middle east. And in the long run that may be a good thing. in the long run, it could be a great thing. and if one of those other countries does end up going crazy and freaking out and attacking us then we have a good solid military base in Iraq from this point on. Right smack dab in the middle of all the chaos and craziness. We may look back at this later and think that it was one of the coolest smoothest most intelligent decisions we could have made. who knows? the only problem of course is that we may have made a lot of people mad. Just not more Muslims, who could attack us in retaliation at any minute but I think pretty much the rest of the world as well. but maybe we can just blame it all on bush and then when he leaves the office we can just claim innocence and keep Iraq anyway. Since we already have it. Why not? We can all just claim it wasn't us and it was all him. you know, secretly, he could still be a national hero, but we’ll just keep it to ourselves. And if any country gives us any lip we could just raise the price of our new Iraq oil for them and levy a bunch of economic sanctions against them like we did to Iraq the last ten years until their economy just tanks and then we could take over their country too.

Definitely starting to see the bigger picture.

Went to a lecture on Shostakovich tonight at the new world symphony. Ran into the Brit who has since separated from Biga. They were together for 23 years. with three children. I had heard that they separated. But now it was right in my face. So weird. But we went and had a few beers with his new girlfriend at the abbey brewery. Good tall dark home made brews. I was impressed with how easy it all seemed to him. divorcing your wife of 23 years and all. he seemed like it was just a breeze. Beliefs. I have not spoken to Biga yet though. 3 sides to every story of course.

Then off to a little Italian café to meet jazz and a friend. Hadn't seen her since I returned to Miami. had some dinner with them. then a meeting with Jo. Just to give her some advice about her career. She asked me to give her my top five mistakes so she wouldn’t make them herself. Number one, considering our recent luck at turning off every female DJ and music journalist in America: have someone else choose your CD cover. Number two (same reason): have someone else choose your song order.

Then off to Purdy lounge to see father Bloopy play their first and farewell concert. Great show. Bloopy is like my kid brother but I found myself learning a lot during the show. Such a super talent. Talk more during your set. Be more open and joke more. be yourself. His songwriting is very original. All these different parts coming in and out of his music. Just totally non-linear.

Jazz was there too. Sexual tension. How long do we play this game? 

Good talks with Cleo today. As friends. Really good talks. We need desperately to get away from each other permanently. To not speak for months or even years. just be there as friends but not be connected in any way to one another. she and I both decided that I need to sell the house and just get the hell out of here. I have been back for 24 hours and feel like a fish out of water big time. what the hell am I still doing here?

Vancouver telling us that he has a shit load of gigs coming up with the Latin singer from music hell. Lets call him the karaoke devil. Since the whole band goes on stage and actually mimes all their parts. It isn't even a real live band thing when they tour. Just total bullshit. he is very young and he is very confused. Asked me bro what should I do. I love you guys but this is such a good opportunity? I told him listen mate, I feel like you older brother, and honestly we can’t afford to lose you. we love you and transcendence is not transcendence without you. that’s for sure. But who knows? this is such a good opportunity for you who knows what could happen. Elton johns tour manager could see yo out on the road and get you to play guitar for Elton’s next big tour. So just go for it and if we have to we will get a sub for you for our own tour. lets all just be very respectful of this delicate situation. we love you man. Lets at least agree to keep recording together as a band because we are making really good music together. He was moved and I was somehow relieved. Don't ask me hwy. Because we are expected to tour now to support sleep with you. But some how it felt like the right thing to say in that moment. With the Latin singer gig he can pull in 2500 bucks a week. with a modern rock band in our situation, even with a CD in the top 40, he will be lucky to pull in 50 a week. so I had to give him the just advice.

Had this major realization. Simple. I was thinking about the Venezuelan chick I have a date with tomorrow night actually. but I was thinking about my own unwillingness to call her or date her again—just this total knowing inside to not call her, regardless of how I feel or how much desire I have to. And I have always been thinking about myself in this. that maybe there is someone more aligned right around the corner so we can’t risk messing it up. Maybe that's why I'm not vibing with this and find it so hard to call her back etc... because the ONE could be right around the corner. But then last night I realized holy shit what if it has nothing to do with me at all. What if it is just that I am so plugged to this intuition thing and I'm feeling that it is best for her if we don't go out??? What if this is just about her??? What if the love of HER life is right around the corner??? What a fucking concept. What if it isn't always about us??? [like with la Princesa I just knew, I could feel it so much that I was sick when we were together. I knew it wasn't right to be with her even though I really loved her. So I went with that feeling and a month later she meets the man she marries six months later. So...]

Got so drunk at the club. Felt great. Put in the CD of the new mixes from the new new album, put the top down, lit a stogie, and let the car just fly down the freeway. Sounds great. Old school. But great. I flew.

Processing a lot right now. Non stop. Morning noon and night. Just trying to get to the bottom of how I feel and what I really believe. What is creating this reality I am currently creating??? Spent over an hour in the tub today. at least. Maybe two hours. Every morning. Just a slow methodical loving process everyday. Creating new realities and letting old realities go.