Weekend with Princess Little Tree in Seattle. Its interesting because I need to write about this. I wrote about it a lot while I was there but not in the diaries... purged the most intense emotion through just taking notes for songs mostly, endless pages of song notes. Also working on a song for the Stallion called Thursday rain, something like that... Never just sat down to note the details or how I was feeling. I can’t really, for obvious reasons, because of the public nature of this experiment. So instead, Just took lots of notes for songs. It is always very emotional for us. a lot of laughing and a lot of crying. It is a tragedy, our situation. doesn’t have to be processed that way, but at times it feels like that to us.... if she isn't crying, I am, and vice versa. Not sure if that's the way its supposed to be. again, just can’t talk about it. instead will write songs about it... use it to create. As in the song, we did sit by the fire. This was life imitating art... It was very nice, very sad, but very nice... but very sad. ‘sad?’ Infinito asks me this morning over an IM chat... ‘of course, I answer. She is older than me, which I don't think matters that much except in how it relates to having children... has two children of her own already, and again doesn’t matter that much; in fact I love her children. Oh my God how wonderful and sweet and smart and cute they are... but I want to have my own children of course... and she is at that age where we don't have twenty years to take our time to have children now, where we could take the next twenty years and have one two three or even four or five children over time as we decide... so that is quite sad. Plain and simple... for me it is... and for her too, because she loves me so much and wants whatever I want for me, God I love that. it is an unbelievably special connection, something born from God is what it feels like... to both of us I'm sure.
I
 am in a state of really needing to decide what i want to do about this... i need to go all the way in and go for it and deal with it as it is, or bail out now... because i want to get married and have children now...  you see? Wow. I'll tell you, being with her children this weekend was a double edged sword... sweet but bitter. On the one hand I just loved the experience – oh my God what a great experience it is to hang out with children! Right? Just wonderful... so that's nice. but at the same time I was thoroughly reminded of how I want that for myself. Not to just hang out with other peoples children. God how fucking sad. I feel like stabbing myself. Or jumping off a building... not that we can’t... because we can. but we would have to do it now. like right now. and still there are no guarantees...  but still, it was there the whole time... this understanding that she is already there ten or fifteen years ahead of me, depending on which me we are speaking about... so almost no matter what we do its going to be new for me but old news for her and that's a tough pill to swallow...

There was a moment there... when we were laying on the bed... and she asks me between tears... ‘would you get married now if you met someone?’ and I smile, and respond, ‘oh my God yes. of course I would.’ And she breaks into tears again... and that is the nature of the downside of this... but it is such a joyful thing, always has been, so I guess that's why it feels like such the conflict for us... its good, but its got some badness to it. and that just really sucks. And we spend a lot of time kicking our feet and screaming and cursing God and life and the universe for this strange time warp thing that we have found ourselves in in this lifetime together. I always tell her that this is just another one of our many lifetimes together. and in this one we just weren't born at the right time... love at first site. I bet we've been here before my love. Many times before. but in this one, we have the cards stacked against us a bit... so what to do? go for it anyway? Or just hold off and wait for our next meeting in our next lifetimes? Crazy. the age thing doesn’t have anything to do with it really. The more I think about it. its funny because I've let go of some amazing girls over the last few years because of the age thing. girls that were only a few to five years older... but I look back now and that was just an excuse I think. because when you are in love none of that means anything... it just doesn’t. when you are in love nothing means anything. You are just so damn happy to be in love with that person. you will do anything for them. you would die for them. perhaps even kill for them. and age... how silly it seems in the bigger picture... but the children thing... for me that's huge. I had always pictured myself with three or four kids. And tons of grandkids when I got older. A big brood at the dinner table... that's always been the vision...

But she makes a good point when she tells me sobbing, ‘you are wasting your time. I have to let you go. you have to go find your wife...’ and I cry with her and I hold her and I tell her ‘I want you to be my wife...’ and we just sob for minutes at a time. big deep loud painful cries of angst and sorrow and frustration and anger. Both of us knowing. But both of us wanting it to be different...

And when is enough enough of something like this? I mean, when do you cut the cord? When do you say o.k. this is great but this isn't going to work in the long run? [and who's to fucking say what's going to work or not work in the long run?] I have never been good at making these kinds of decisions. I have always just been the kind who floats and waits for life to make them for me. except for the last four or five years that is. I have been very good at cutting things quick, knowing that somewhere out there was the love of my life and that she was waiting for me and that I needed to move fast and cut out fast and be ready and available for her. I have been so good at that the last few years. vigilant. Militant. but things like this are different... because of love. Let me tell you. I've learned this. love is unfuckingbelievable. It is just everything. it is all powerful. and when we find it we should cherish it and honor it and feel so grateful for it, no matter what the challenge. But sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes. We have to let it go.

O.k. that's enough, that's even too much for this... where do you draw the line between being honest enough to write about your experiences and respecting others and yourself? but what is the message? I mean, that's what it comes down to a lot for me... all day, two three four days.. asking myself what is the message? And then in the gym I just succumb to it... perhaps there is no message... no message at all. perhaps it is up to me to derive the message from it. I want to reach out to someone.. tell me the message of this!!!! but perhaps that's the message. That love is blind love is beautiful love is all powerful love is healing and magnificent and awe inspiring, and when we are lucky enough to actually find ourselves in love, real love, well then, that is message enough. Embrace it cherish it rejoice in it celebrate it. even if you have to let it go.

So can this be enough for us? Can our love, the way it is now, for however brief a time it lasts, can that be enough? Can we let each other go? knowing... I tell her, let me marry you secretly, marry me secretly and then we will move on and go our separate ways... and we cry more... you can then let me go if you must and I will let you go and move on, but both of us will have this secret knowing... that we loved each other enough to marry, privately, secretly... even if but for a brief time; for I have never known a deeper more respectful more honest more pure love. And I want to honor that for us. I want to celebrate it...no matter how tragic or doomed it may seem in the long run... but for love. For what else is there?

And that my friends is the conclusion of the great romantic adventures of Fishy and Princess Little Tree. A story that started off in song. grew into real life. and now must unfortunately go back to song. A short story indeed. But a beautiful one.

Current spin : the best of the Samples. A cool Colorado band from the late eighties. Sound like a less serious REM playing with a jam band. good stuff. bought it because our publicist, a goddess of a girl named Ariel that the more I get to know her the more I admire her, recommended this CD because it comes with a free DVD documentary about the band, which is known for being the end all be all best rockumentary of all time. haven't seen it yet. but digging the music. one thing is sure, anything is better than that dreadful Radiohead doc that came out a few years ago.