Passion for Songs

The other day at brunch zeke says, ‘I hear you guys are in the studio again recording another album...’ ‘another album?!’ exclaims his girl, ‘don't you guys have a new album coming out next month? What about the one zeke just finished mixing?’ ‘Didn't you guys just release an album like last month or something? Sleep with you?’ asks guided by voices fanatic and resident scenester photographer Cindy Semen. ‘Actually we’re recording two,’ I answer. ‘o.k. well at least you aren't hurting for songs!’ Zeke says and laughs.

I am a songwriter now. after twenty years, it just is. its not something you think about. its not even conscious anymore. As G2 looks at the world through the eyes of a graphic designer, judging how beautiful or symmetrical or pleasing to the eye everything he sees is. I don't even know if its something you are supposed to think about when you're born to something like that. I think its just something that's there. you wake up one day and realize that you are that. Its not like I wake up and pick up the guitar and think oh lets a write a song.  For me actually it’s the opposite. I avoid picking up the guitar, or sitting at the piano, as much as I can because I know that if I do then I will inevitably and uncontrollably write a song. And the truth is that so much goes into it, so much time and energy and attention, that a lot of times I just don't feel like dealing with it. so I'm at a stage now where I just try to avoid it as much as I can. I only do it if one pops into my head that I can’t shake no matter what I do. So we joked about this at the brunch table and everyone laughed and commented that there were certainly worse things to have as a problem than being afraid that you will write another song, since a lot of songwriters find it a real struggle. Poor me. haha.

But it isn't all fun and games. It is a huge responsibility that at times is agonizing and inconvenient, and often times boring and tedious. To be born into it. to be told, ‘o.k. for the next eighty or so years you are going to be the vehicle and the caretaker of this very large cannon of songs. Thousands and thousands of songs will be in your custody. They can and will come at any time and it is you and only you who will be responsible for them. You will flush them out into the real world from the cosmos, record them as you work on them so they are not forgotten, write them down, and then make sure they get professionally recorded either by yourself or someone else. you will make sure that the initial recordings and the original manuscripts are kept safe throughout your life—that means making second and third copies, no fires, floods, wars, or anything else can be allowed to destroy the body of work; you will also make sure that the professional recordings are then commercially released. This is your mission whether you accept it or not.’ ‘and if I don't accept it?’ ‘if you don't accept it the songs will play endlessly in your head till you go insane and you will be filled with a nonstop and unspeakable feeling of dread and guilt that you are squandering your life.’ ‘good enough. I'll take the mission.’ And that was that.

I've been doing it since I was a kid. since I can remember. The songs come and I finish them off. Give them birth and a good home and do my best to spend all of my money and too much of others peoples money to get them professionally recorded and commercially released. I have never thought of compensation or rewards or how much money I have spent. I have always just accepted the responsibility. In fact as it stands today according to my accountant I have personally spent over half a million dollars recording songs. For real, poor me, and really poor all of my past and future girlfriends. I could be living a good life if I hadn't accepted this responsibility and just said fuck it. but you know, what are you going to do. it is what it is. the fact of the matter is that I am so fucking passionate about the songs when they come that I can barely contain myself as I am flushing/fleshing them out. that's just me.

I was born with this unshakable passion for songs and music. at thirty years old I can be in a club and hear a band playing a set and be so moved by one of their songs that I'm jumping up and down like a kid, after their set going up to them like ‘duuuudes, that song was so fucking good!’ I remember this time in New York when I was just a struggling artist myself sleeping on couches and eating ramen noodles I head this band called Nipper. They were probably all about 19 or so. I was about 25. they played such a great set that I went up to them after the show, highfiving them and gave them all my money so they had some cash and could keep doing what they were doing. I left the club that night flat broke and had to call my family and friends to western union me some money. I always look back on that and wonder what ever happened to those guys. hopefully it helped. For all I know they're famous now and I'm still struggling. Lol.

So I'm lucky in that I am so passionate about songs. It helps deal with the burden of the responsibility. When I get a great song come to me I am jumping up and down and running around the house like a madman looking for the little tape recorder. Songs like vicodin or keep moving on come to mind. Its never the popular songs that cause that. songs like superhero girl or Minnie driver are quick little one offs. Not something you think about. Just do it because you have to. songs like Caetano are like the rewards for bringing to life all the cheesy little one-offs. Every now and then you get one of those. Songs like all this is beginning to feel like an ending. They make me fall asleep with a big smile on my face when its finally done because you just feel so damn good. like you’ve touched God for a few minutes or something. that's what it feels like.

So when Bas tells me ‘dude you CANNOT record this stupid album with all these girls names. Its such a bad idea...’ I listen but I don't really pay attention. Because I know in the end that I don't really have a choice. what am I going to do? let the songs just die? as I was driving home the other day from brunch and reflecting on everyone making their comments about my so called prolificness and how much work it is, I started looking at it like that old movie Being There, with peter sellers. A classic. And its like that. its not something you think about. You just do it. like Chauncey the gardener. You wake up and write a song or two. That's your job. Everything else comes second. You’ve got your mission. You were born with it.

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This was a brief but absolutely brilliant moment

This bug. I'm in my car parked somewhere talking on the phone. and this bug that I didn't recognize flies in the car. I look at it and think about killing it. but then I thought I should just let it live. so I watched it move around for a few seconds. But then in a split second I had this thought that went something like ‘what if this bug is poisonous and it bites me if I turn my head as I'm on the phone and I get sick or die or something.’ and then without thinking I squashed it. no regard for its life at all. only thinking about my own survival and welfare. It was in that moment that I understood a lot about the human race. I understood things that I had never understood before. ever. I understood war. I understood Korea and Vietnam and George w bush and Iraq and beheadings and world war II. Rationally thinking about things like that, being the absurdly over the top idealist that I am, I could never come to terms with man’s survival instincts taking precedence over his desire to help and defend and protect his fellow man. I have never been able to understand or even fathom mankind’s ability to hurt other men. When I see men fighting in the street or on TV I am always pretty shocked by it. and I know that's not the normal reaction that men are supposed to have. But that's always been my reaction. I just can’t believe that a person would ever want to hurt another. Call me crazy. But when I squashed that bug in that instant I did it without even thinking, and I was lucky enough to catch in that brief moment the thought that led up to it. it was fear. Plain and simple. I thought ‘better him than me.’ and that was that. and that answers a lot.