Woke up early this morning to an amazing and horrifying dream. I was one of the people who had to jump off one of the twin towers in nyc. There was no way down so we were up there and we just had to jump. We could have waited but we were being engulfed by the smoke. We never once considered that we would survive the jump. It wasn't about that. it was more like having to make a choice in the moment between the fire that was about to surround us at any minute and just jumping to our deaths. I was at the ledge and there were a few others. I do not know who they were now. but in the dream they felt like real people to me; people that I knew very well. probably people from the office that I have now.
 
When I was just about to jump that is when I started to become cognizant that it was a dream. I told myself to try to stay in the dream for as long as I could. I have heard the theory that if you die in a dream that you will die in real life as well. right there in your bed. But I discreated that belief and I have died a few times in my dreams only to wake up from them panicking for a few minutes. So I knew that it is possible to die in one’s dreams and still survive in real life. what happens really is that you die for a brief moment and then you wake up and realize that you were only dreaming. Its traumatic indeed. But you do survive.

I stood on that ledge this morning in a complete panic but somehow in control still. In brief milliseconds I contemplated the outcome. I pictured the results of my jump. I laid there with my eyes closed trying my best to imagine what it would be like to just let go and jump off that ledge. There would be no turning back. how long would I remain conscious after jumping? Would I make it all the way to the bottom still conscious? I don't think we will ever know the answer to that question. I have heard the theories that when you jump like that, that you die of a heart attack before you land. I would hope that is true. so that is a belief that I would like to keep.

I scored a bottle of percs from Dina due to her recent surgery. She hates the way they make her feel she tells me. calls me and asks me if I want them. she was my personal assistant for a few years so she knows my affinity for them. one of the many insane duties in her charge was to try to procure them for me whenever I would get the inkling. Usually from the Internet or from doctors who would take a kickback for the script, or the occasional trip to the dentist. [there is so much to the world of rock and roll that cannot even be written about. Suffice it to say that; that for every insane or shocking thing I write about publicly, there are ten more that are totally unspeakable and truly unwritable. Put it that way.] “you know I'm always still looking out for you boss,” she sings to me over the phone after she tells me about the bottle. I love that. I just love how I manage to keep all the wonderful people in my life years and years after our paths cross and uncross.
I'm on the phone with Rockaway over the weekend and he asks me where I am. ‘dude you sound like you're in a tunnel or something.’ ‘worse man. I'm in a garbage dumpster.’ ‘you're what?’ ‘I'm in a garbage dumpster. I lost my sunglasses. And a blockbuster DVD. And a netflix DVD. I'm looking through this garbage to see if it got thrown out by mistake.’ ‘dude that sucks. How did you do that?’ ‘well, uh, I scored a bottle of percs recently and I can’t believe how many things I've been losing track of the last few days.’ we laugh hysterically. I stand up in the garbage dumpster to catch my breath from laughing so hard. ‘dude. Send me some. I wanna dig through a garbage dumpster high on painkillers.’ ‘yeah bro I know. I already thought about it. I will tomorrow. but I gotta find these DVDs man. And my favorite sunglasses. Fuck. That's the only thing I hate about painkillers. You start losing stuff.’ ‘yeah tell me about it. but you're good. you still on the half a day plan of yours?’ ‘yeah, that's all I need man. Just enough to get into the zone.’ ‘I don't know how you do it bro. if I get my hands on a bottle I'm doing four a day before I know it. gotta hand it to you.’ ‘not me man. I just like to get there and I'm cool.’ ‘how many do you have?’ ‘about thirty. I'll send you four or five if that's cool.’ ‘yeah cool. thanks. That’ll last me a weekend if I'm lucky.’ ‘well enjoy em. Nothing better.’ ‘just prepare for the fall. That's all. you gotta prepare for that. coming down. Getting the shakes. Getting depressed.’ ‘no man. I'll just switch to valium for a few days and I won't even notice.’ ‘and then when you run out of valium?’ ‘Dude. You never run out of valium.’ Laughs. ‘Great. Our singer is a junkie.’ ‘dude you think I make that shit up?’ ‘good song though. Whatever it is, keep doing it.’ ‘Thanks. You know. the cool thing about any of that stuff is going clean. its all just part of the circle of life. I mean some people they can’t do that. they label themselves a junkie or an alcoholic and then they tell themselves they have to stop using stuff forever. and I guess for them that's cool. but for me, I could just never live that way. I think all things in moderation. Don't sell yourself on the whole addict for life trip. Unless of course it works for you and then that's cool.’ ‘I hear ya brother.’ ‘so when you going clean?’ ‘c'mon man, I've been using for three days. give me a break. Let me enjoy it for a day or two man.’ ‘dude I'm just messing with ya. Just send some my way. I'll call you from my garbage dumpster!’

When I lost my voice in 2002 I went to my naturopathic doctor and brought two huge bags of everything that I thought it may have been so my doctor could muscle test me for each thing. Everything I was ingesting regularly at the time. I had already stopped eating, drinking, and smoking. so it was down to coffee, a few vitamins, and vicodin. This is true. I seriously stopped eating for weeks. fasted for days at a time and just drank green drinks. Because I was so paranoid that it was something I was eating. The plan was that he would muscle test me for everything that I was putting into my body to see what might be the cause of this horrible malady. I brought both kinds of coffee, with caffeine and without, and also organic and non-organic. The non organic caffeinated coffee was the worst. I couldn’t even lift my arm with it. pretty much the same with the decaf non organic. Thank God. because I didn't want to give up the coffee. Remarkably the organic coffee tested almost neutral. Meaning that I could drink it still if I wanted to. it didn't weaken me or strengthen me. many of the vitamins tested that they weakened my system so we threw them out right there along with the non-organic coffees. Then we get to the bottle of vicodin. What's this? he asks me holding the bottle up with this perplexed look on his face. Are you sick? No, I replied. But I take that to calm down sometimes. You take vicodin to calm down? Yeah. I mean, I have to tell you. I know it sounds weird. But I just have to get to the bottom of what's wrong with my voice so we have to test for it. I was worried that it may be that, but I didn't care what it was. I just needed my voice back. so he tells me he's sure its that. he tests me and as with a few of the vitamins, the tests indicated that it strengthens me. He is totally freaked out. he keeps trying all these different positions and angles trying to prove that it weakens me, but no matter what, it just showed that it strengthened my system. made me stronger. In fact he was amazed how strong it made me. he was completely dumbfounded. And frankly so was I, because I was sure that although it probably wasn't the cause of me losing my voice, that it was going to show that it weakened me and wasn't healthy for me. but it was the exact opposite.

He asked if he could have one to put in a test tube and try testing on his other patients. He concluded that there was something in my system that responded well to whatever chemicals were in the vicodin. That somehow it strengthened me or balanced my system out, which is what I already knew for years before that. but he was completely baffled by it because it was a drug, and an artificial chemical, and totally unnatural, and so it made no sense. But there it was. If ether of us was going to believe in this muscle testing/kinesiology theory of testing, then we had to give credence to what the tests actually showed. Crazy. That doesn’t mean that you all of sudden become a junkie or something like Rush Limbaugh or you start wandering around the streets naked and drooling like Courtney Love. But it does go to show that there is something to people self medicating however they can until they find something that works for them. and sometimes that something can be pretty weird. the body is a chemical soup. so who knows. I just always thought that moment was hilarious. When the doctor had this crazy look on his face. And the remarkable thing is that the body knows. it just knows. one minute somethings helping you and then in the next you don't want it anymore. Like now I'm not eating. Today I attempted to eat the leftover dinner from last night. but I couldn’t even get through that. in an entire day I couldn’t eat half of a meal. Its two am now and that's all I've eaten. Half of a half of a meal in two nights and one day. Crazy. but for some reason my body just doesn’t want food. But I think that's cool. I'm not even worried about it. its so hot outside it makes sense. The body just knows what it needs if you listen.

Online checking prices to Italy. I don't know why but I got it back. this bug to go spend a few days at least.

Met with /God what do I call him/? I forget. Anyway, me and rockaway have been talking about expanding the label to include more artists. That was Sunday. He tells me it’s a good idea. And Monday Jim calls me and asks if I'll release his band’s next CD on our label. Talk about a sign from the universe. Crazy. I want to start releasing lots of artist who I love on our label but I have to get our stuff out there and successful first. That has to be my primary goal.

MANILA, Philippines (AP) -- Four members of a family have been arrested and charged with murder for allegedly killing and eating a relative during a wedding reception -- and serving his flesh to unwitting party guests, police have said.

Now that's a wedding.