I am so lucky in the family I have now. today I toasted everyone at breakfast, explaining that I live a very fast paced and crazy lifestyle, all flash and hype and sex and drugs and rock and roll and all that other stuff that we love to hate and hate to love so much, but that I appreciate everyone sooooo much for who they are and that I am so lucky to have them as my family. My life is not all bad, I admit; it could certainly be worse. But its stressful, and its very unreal. Not very substantive in a lot of ways. Beav and I talked about it last night in the car on the way home, how different our lifestyles are. He wondered how I looked at his life through my eyes. he thought that I must think its horrible and boring, but I told him I admired it. He told me how much he admired the life that I live. How he lives vicariously through me. “dude you’ve been all over the world. singing and playing concerts and studying and adding to that collection of girls...” “Dude this year I had Italian, Indian, Syrian, and Turkish and that's not counting the professionals.... ha ha...” ““You're sick man. You’re a freak. Don't tell mom that. you know how she hates that. But that's what I mean. You go liiiiiiive in these foreign countries and sit in classrooms and learn their languages just because you fucking feel like it. I don't think I have the balls for that but I envy it. A lot. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything but I wish that I was living that way sometimes....’

“Well I wish that I was living the way you live bro. You’ve been married to the same girl for what? ten years. and you still are in love with her. although I can’t see how...” “Shut up man.” “Dude I'm only kidding. But I love the way you live. I want that so much for myself. you have two beautiful daughters and you have an awesome corporate job with an endless expense account. Every time I call you you're eating steak and drinking expensive wine. That's the life. You're making six figures a year and you're the boss of how many people? a hundred or something crazy like that and most of those people are in their fifties? and you're barely thirty years old? Dude I fucking love that.  You did it. that's the American dream. And you did it.” “I'm blessed bro,” Beav tells me. “and so are you man. You know how many people would love to live the life that you live? Your only responsibility is to write songs and record albums and write in those freaky diaries of yours. And you get paid to do it. you read anything you want to read and bag all those babes. I'm going to do that in my next life man.... I'm coming back as you.” “well I'm going to live your life in my next lifetime bro. I wish I was doing it now actually. I'm tired Beav. this lifestyle is hard. Its hard on the soul man. You know what I mean? The pressure, the loneliness, the stress, the schedule, the weird hours, the people who say one thing but mean another...” “I know. I can only imagine bro. I think about you a lot. You suffer me. I worry about you. too often. I don't know how you live so crazy. no family and no schedule and no routine. Don't you get lonely?” “yeah man. Why do you think I come hang out with you guys two or three times a year? I don't think a person could live the kind of life I live without having a homebase like I have with you guys without going insane. But I try to keep a schedule for myself. That's why I go to an office everyday when we aren't on the road. what kind of fucking singers have offices? Everyone always asks me that. But that's my way of trying to live a semi-normal life. you dig?” “Yeah I figured that...”

“You guys are my foundation. You're what keeps me alive and stops me from going crazy. you know how many people in my industry are fucking totally over the edge? I am so lucky I have you guys as a foundation to always come home to when I need to.” “I would guess a lot of people in your industry don't have that kind of thing to fall back on.” “They don't man. Some do. But a lot don't. and they're fucked up. and they still do a lot of drugs and drink a lot and you can see how unhealthy they are when you're hanging with them. not just in their body but also in their minds and hearts. You can see how they don't have that foundation underneath them. why do you think so many of them die or fade away at such a young age. They have this cynicism that is unbearable to be around if you are a happy person. not that I don't have it sometimes but you know, overall, I'm pretty happy...” “You are pretty cynical bro.” “Yeah I know, but not in that way. I'm just cynical about the things that we’re supposed to be cynical about. Like government and religion. Anyway, every year some rocker dies and those are just the famous ones that we hear about. probably a lot more die that we never hear about. that's rock and roll. that's why I come hang out with you guys every year. to remind me what its all about. and so I don't fucking die frankly. I may talk a lot about not believing in religion and the government and all that, but you notice that I don't mind going to church with you guys on Christmas.” “I notice it.” “yeah man. I dig it. I hate it because I long for us to get more truthful, you know?” “Yeah I dig what you're saying bro.” “But I want to believe. I see the benefit in it. I see how happy you guys are. I wish I could be more like that. I envy that kind of innocence. I wish I didn't know everything that I know sometimes honestly. It would be easier. When you live a worldly life you discover so much more. Its hard to come back down and just live the blind life.” “we’re not blind bro.” “You know what I mean man. You just choose not to pay attention to anything important.” “We choose to pay attention to things that are important to us... Like our family and our jobs. those things are important. You just don't know that yet, because you have neither.” “Ouch. O.k. whatever man. I have a job. And I have a family.” “But you know what I mean... you think because we aren't out in the streets protesting to save the fucking forests that we aren't smart... but we are. we keep track of what's going on in the world. maybe just not as much as you freaks. But I wouldn’t want to be so informed as you and the people in your world. I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I would just want to kill myself.” “My point exactly bro. that's what I'm saying... I'm not trying to offend you. I'm just saying you learn too much about the way things really are when you travel the world and that jades you... you see the way things really are and you can’t go back.”

“I know man. I'm with you bro. I know what you know. But I just choose not to think about it. I can’t. I have two babies to think about and my wife. I can’t think about those things.” “I know man. And you shouldn’t. because once you start learning this shit you can’t go back. you can never go back into the mainstream once you get to the other side and see how things really are. Its fucking impossible. I don't care how much you want to. You're always going to be on the outside looking in and wondering if you stepped out too far... wondering how to get back in without a lobotomy...” “You ever think you're going to get back in?” “No bro. not a chance. I'm too far gone now. way too far gone. But I don't mind. I like where I'm at.” “But you're not lonely?” “Dude you'd be surprised how many people are out on the edge of the mainstream now. its not just the lone freaks anymore. There's so many people now who are just fucking sick of the fake real world that the real world has turned into. So they’re out there on the edge of it all creating new worlds for themselves. Its awe inspiring.”
“But do you ever think that you're going to get married and settle down?” “Yeah man. Anyday. You know I want to.” “And you feel like you can give up everything you have now to make that happen? you think that you can come back?” “I'm hoping I won't have to. I'm hoping I'm going to find a wife who’s as far out as I am. And we’ll find our own unique way of coming together and fitting in... that's what I'm holding out for.” “I hope you find her man. That's going to be a pretty special girl.” “I know man. Why do you think I'm still single? The girl I marry is going to have to be as crazy as I am to deal with it, you know? just like the Rat is as normal and mainstream as you are. She digs the same things that you do. That's a perfect fit. I'm looking for that same kind of fit. I'm looking for a girl who lights up a room when she walks into it. Like I do.” “And someone who is as humble as you are...” “Man you know what I mean. “I know you bro. I hope you find her soon. You're not getting any younger man,” he laughs. “We’re not that old you fag.” “Yeah but you don't want to be old and crusty when you have kids... its fucking hard work.” “I know man. But that's what nannies are for man...” “You and your nannies. Your kids will be lucky if they spend a full day with you once in their entire fucking lives.” “Well dude you might be right in that. Because I'll be too busy making love to their beautiful mom on the kitchen table....” “You are sick man.” “Well maybe so. But I can promise you we will all be very happy. I'll guarantee that.” “I hope so bro. I really do.” “Don't worry man, I know what I'm doing.”
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People admire the strong and successful. Give them the choice between the right or the successful and they will always choose the successful over the right. call it instinct, but people flock to the rich and successful in others a lot more readily than they flock towards the right fair kind or honest. Even though in their hearts they will swear the most ardent admiration and love and support for the good kind honest people in their lives, they will openly tell you that making money and keeping food on their table is more important to them than doing the right thing, or aligning themselves with good people. for me this has been a tough and interesting lesson to learn.

Current read: Power Aging by the incomparable Gary Null. Great book. Powerful stuff. Perfect for the new year.

Last screening: Louis black, black on Broadway. Great stuff. this guy is hilarious. Unique style.