I'm not sure what day it is. but what a day it was. in this strange place called Eugene, in a strange place called Oregon. we are surrounded by fog all around us. We shot all day today for the show. Went into the deep old forest at the top of the mountains to see huge 500 year old trees. Breathtaking.

I am tired and exhausted, if it is possible to be both at the same time then I embody the state this would create. Cannot think straight. Don't even feel like having a smoke. Just thinking about sleep. Need to process data. So much data. Saw Juliet tonight for a brief moment. Its so weird for us to have made such good friends over the airwaves but not in person and then to see each other in person for the first time in so long. we are guarded and cautious around one another and that is my fault. For I have done us a great service when I have sought to be respectful and quiet in my ruminations of ‘what could bees,’ but allowed myself too much liberty at times in the last year to spout off any idea or ideal I would have in the moment about who we were to one another and all of that. now that I am here and I see her in the flesh in her element... the ideal is not lost... but the truth is revealed. That I have spoken many times before in these random scribblings, so the information is not new to me, but because of my insistence that signs have meaning... I feel as though I put a lot of pressure on us that didn't have to be there. I have a deep and profound love for Juliet. Something I cannot put into words. for her soul. Don't know why. it is honest and real and forthright, her soul is. And maybe that's why. But I also have a deep and profound respect for who she is and where she is in her life. I remain waiting for the message as I phrase it, or waiting for the project as she describes it.

And perhaps getting me out here was/is the project. For me at least. And for her there is meaning in other aspects of our reconnection. I cannot express in words what it was like to meet these people here in Oregon. their purity of heart, their presence, their soul shining through so brilliantly without pretense. I find myself too moved to do anything but think of sleep. Being with Juliet and her dearest friend Polly today and hearing them speak so intelligently and openly and honestly had such a profound effect on me. cannot describe it. they are wholly integrated without the trappings of new age holey pokey mumbo jumbo. I fell in love with this girl Polly a few times just being in her presence and listening to her speak so well informed and real about life and everything else in between. And I mean this in a very transcended platonic way. I realized that there are women who are like that. we may not meet them in the big cities of the universe. And then again, maybe we do. and hopefully I will. but I have for so long been in the big cities with all the inherent bullshit that goes along with being in the world of the material that I had forgotten a major piece of life that I have now been heartily reminded of by hanging with these beautiful beings here today.

You see, beauty as it is portrayed today in our modern culture is so far removed from what I personally think of as real beauty. But I saw it today. what a real woman is. to me. I am only speaking of my own personal feelings and ideals. But I believe that it has a lot more to do with who a woman is inside than what she looks like on the outside. and I think for a long time I had forgotten that. I believe that my life has been a noble affair for the most part for the last ten years or so and for that I am proud. But I also believe that I have not paid attention to a lot of the more subtle shades of what humanity is and can be. and I have spent a lot of time wasting away in this shallow materialism that has seemed so important to me and yet holds not much at all in the bigger picture for who I am and what I want out of life. This is what this trip has held for me so far. many realizations about how much deeper it can all go, and how silly and superficial a lot of what the world offers us on a daily basis is. how I need to separate myself from it a bit. Allow for more realness to come into me and flow out of me. amen.