The Beast is in the hospital again. ten heart operations in the last few years. everyone around him trying to get him to take Avatar. Or anything for that matter. Just do something to go inside and integrate who he is and what he’s done and what has happened to him in his past so he can get behind it. I am convinced that he is sick for no other reason than that he is exploding inside from anger and sadness and regret and resentment. I tell him this. But he refuses to accept it. he pretends he is sick because he is sick. He tries to convince me and himself that the past is not affecting him, that it does not affect people. he makes fun of people who go through therapy or self development courses trying to make themselves better people. he mimics them and mocks them and yet he is one of the most outwardly miserable and unhappy and unhealthy persons I have ever known.

Mom tells me to call him now that he is out of surgery and try to encourage him to explore the possibilities of taking Avatar or anything else that might bring out of his fatalism and cynicism... ‘I've already spent countless hours trying to explain the benefits of processing and working through that stuff mom. I'm sick of it. I don't know what else I can say to him.’ ‘well some people take longer than others honey. Just try with him again...’ ‘I've spent too many hours trying already. If he wants to stay sick and unhealthy and die miserable and in regret then that's what he's going to get. I can’t spend any more time trying to convince him that true happiness is possible...’ ‘that's a terrible thing to say Fishy.’ ‘I know. I'm sure I don't mean it. at least not entirely.’ and its true.

I called him not three days ago out of the blue just to thank him for being such a good father to me, even though he is my uncle. But he was always there for me as a father. Since I never knew my own father. Always there for me. since I can remember. With money. with kind and encouraging words. always very supportive. All the more ironic since he wasn't able to be that to his own children... what is that? that absentee father syndrome that so many men seem to get... but I do love the beast. Very much. He breaks my fucking heart. still carrying the torch of how abusive his upbringing was after all these years. I'll tell you, there is nothing more disturbing and damaging than growing up in an Italian household with a tyrant Italian father or grandfather. Shit. I don't even think it has anything to do with being Italian... I just think some men are fucking bastards and they can ruin a whole generation by their actions... my grandfather almost got to me and Beaver too but we managed to make it out alive and relatively sane. But it took me years of processing to get clear again. [getting clear comes from scientology. Think John Travolta or tom cruise. They call it ‘getting clear.’ in Avatar they call it ‘becoming source again.’ in other spiritual practices they call it ‘becoming enlightened.’ Christians call it ‘being born again.’ In more secular psychology circles they call it ‘getting healthy.’ Anthony Robbins calls it ‘living the life of your dreams.’ Whatever you call it, its all the same thing. letting go of the past. Getting back to the here-now. living the life you were meant to live. being happy again. that's what it comes down to. going back to how we were when we were first born... before life on earth ripped our souls apart and made us afraid to just be who we were.]

All I know is I will never do that to my kids. I will never be that kind of man.