Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The longer I know Cleopatra the more I realize my own foolishness and weakness for not allowing myself to see her true nature years before...    I don't think I have ever met someone so full of it. if she doesn’t need anything she is quiet. non-communicative, not there for me at all. but when she wants something, she will call and be so nice on the phone it is as if she is a different person. now I don't even listen to her when she calls. don't ever get sucked in. I used to really internalize her problems, her pain, her sorrow of being. Always trying to be there for her. as a protector, as a father figure. But now... I can barely even listen to her when she speaks. I just feel almost no sincerity coming from her at all. I have an amazing array of close friendships with ex-girls. Very lucky in that. don't know where I went wrong with Cleo. Don't know if there was anything I could do different really. Last year on my birthday she called me ten times screaming about something or the other, not even aware that it was my birthday.... six years with someone and she is so absorbed in her day to day drama that she doesn’t remember its my birthday until I remind her.... of course she felt bad and emailed a million times afterwards apologizing... but it was too late... that was it really...the end of the line. it was the last time I ever took her seriously. for the last few years I really tried to hang on to Cleopatra because we were so close for so long. I think it was selfish on my part. Feeling that I really needed to be good friends with all my exs. But now I don't even care. That's a rather shallow goal in and of itself. I believe now that it is more important just to be friends with the people in your life who are really there for you, whether you spent a lot of time with them in the past or not. move on. It doesn’t mean the time we spent together wasn't good. because some of it was. but now is now. then was then. good lesson. Some people we are not meant to spend our whole lives with... even as friends. I know this also because the Italian Stallion doesn’t speak with me anymore. We live less then twnty blocks from one another but we just never speak. Who knows why. but I respect it. honor it. move on. Doesn’t mean I don't miss speaking with her. but you know, that's life. in our hearts I think, in our dreams, we still hold a very special place for everyone we have ever been close to. they are there in our hearts and in our mind’s eye always and forever.

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