Last screening: Mr. smith goes to Washington. Starring jean Arthur and of course jimmy Stewart. A classic. A must see. I loved this movie.

Inspired by the film. saw a lot of myself in that character. This kind of innocent ‘well what's going on?’ kind of naiveté I seem to have just dancing and singing through life without ever looking around to really see what's really happening around me. Been burned a few times and dare I say that lately I have noticed a certain cynicism crop up in me that just isn't me.

Man I'm starting to think that maybe I'm missing the boat. Watching this movie, and then reflecting on what I've been writing in the diaries the last few weeks... so afraid to let anyone in. so afraid of getting close to anyone because in the end they're just going to disappoint you anyway. have to say, that's where I'm at now. I guess you could say that my heart’s kind of closed. But boy I sure would like to change this now. I'm ready to meet me again. I like me. I like the happy go lucky make friends with anyone kind of guy I am. If I wasn't so worried about how the love/friendship would conclude... I guess I just need to let that go and just be open and real and do it more unconditionally. Today I had this realization about Bas. He doesn’t speak to me at all right now. if you can imagine. As crazy as that sounds. The guy was my best friend in the world. But I guess because Cleo and I are battling it out now he feels uncomfortable. And for the life of me I cannot figure out why. I just can’t get to the bottom of it. its caused me a lot of pain lately. Of course it has. And I've kind of had this oh fuck it who cares about getting to know anyone attitude the last few months because of it. But the thing is... you know, anyone can feel that way. plenty do. But if you're just going to try to max this life out and get the most out of it and help others do the same, then that attitude isn't going to help much at all. nope. Have to rise up out of it and realize that if you're going to help people, that if you're going to befriend people, you're going to have to do it from the heart unconditionally. I know writing this that that's easy to say, but I'm going to try. again.

There is the old saying, that if you increase your communication with the world that your net worth increases right along with it. I changed it around a bit to read ‘your net worth is equal to your network. The bigger your network, the bigger your net worth.’ But there has to be real time action involved as well. you’ve got to have the follow through.

Hey ash,
Great to hear from you. yes keeping up with emails to all of our millions of friends is tough stuff these days. life lesson #41 = often times we avoid replying to emails immediately because we feel like we have to say a lot or come up with some great response... so we let the email sit in the box forever and then by the time we see it again we feel bad for never responding... same thing we do with avoiding calling people... figure we just don't have the time because the call is going to take forever. But lately I have just come to realize that this new technology that we are still getting used to is all about just staying in touch with people we dig more often than we did before. Its not like the old days where we had to talk for an hour if we get someone on the phone. often times a "yo bro, what's up? things good? yeah. Me too. chillin. Cool man. Well keep me posted. Hey man let me know when you're coming to town. yeah, I will too. cool. tell so and so that I said hello. alright man, later' is all we really need. that's enough. That's better than what we had before cell phones and email. we have to use and benefit from this new technology, not drown in it.]




And Rob Breszny says this week:
“LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): We're all in the closet in one way or another. Every one of us feels that there's some part of ourselves we've got to hide; that if we reveal the totality of who we really are, we will suffer. For example, U.S. Army Sgt. Robert Stout, who was wounded and got a Purple Heart for his service in Iraq, ultimately decided he was tired of being secret about his homosexuality. As a result, he can't re-enlist, even though he'd like to. My psychotherapist friend Alicia has always used astrology in her practice, but only recently chose to be open about it. Some of her colleagues broke off relations when she told them. According to my reading of the omens, Libra, it's an ideal time to carefully come out  of whatever closet you've been in. I'm not saying there'll be no repercussions; just that you'll have clarity and strength as you deal with them. And the freedom you create with your brave revelation will change everything for the better.”


So I'm feeling that. I know precisely what this may be referring to, whether one believes that astrological influences can have any real bearing or significance to our lives or not. But for me, this particular week’s horoscopic omen appealed profoundly. Ever since I first got that hit to start to work on freeing myself of pretension, the subject of my age and how it relates to my chosen profession has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind. I need to come clean with who I am and how old I am and where I've been. Regardless of what the media says or the major record labels or our managers. I'm losing the opportunity to talk to my own generation and connect with them because I'm so busy pretending that I'm younger and part of a different generation. There's this whole precept that you have to be young to be successful in the music business. so we all play along with it. I don't even want to go into the story of how our management company sat us all down in a swanky penthouse suite at the plaza hotel in nyc a few years back and changed all of our ages so we would be better suited for the major record labels. I've been living that lie ever since. but at my own expense. Here I am pretending that I'm younger than half the people I know when in fact I'm one of them. and along with that comes a whole slew of other lies. Tears for fears? Never heard of them. LOL! the eighties? What's that? a TV show? LOL. so yeah... what a mess. time to come out of the closet as dear old Rob recommends. I need to let go of this no matter what the repercussions, get real, and come to real terms with who I am, give myself this gift so I can start to be there and really communicate with my own generation. If not being real, then what the hell am I really doing?


Did more filming today for the TV show. Final shots, in between shots. I am totally winging this. have no idea what I am doing. But it was a damn good day. I really felt it. I don't know how much real good footage we got yet, but I felt it. I touched on some things. my conclusion about life as we know it for the show was rather doom and gloomy, but that's just where I'm at.


I have learned that you cannot wait for people. if you do and things get fucked up, then that's your fault. It doesn’t matter what your reason is. if you wait for someone because your priority is not as important to them as it is to you, or perhaps it is but they just can’t get it together, that's still your fault. If you wait for others to get your shit done you will always feel held back. and indeed you will be held back. your shit is never as important to anyone else as it is to you. the smart man knows this. the smart man plows ahead regardless of others who are slower or unable to commit or complete. The smart man makes it happen regardless. When the money is being counted, justice will be served. They say it all comes out in the wash. But nothing comes out in the wash if you blow your chances waiting on people who just aren't cutting it.

Still notice in me this uneasiness about letting people in. I am becoming more and more resistant
to becoming close to people. this morning while I was writing I noticed the next door neighbors downstairs in their yard sorting their garbage and recycling. I thought of how I used to do that at our house when I was with Cleopatra and my first reaction was something like “God, the poor bastard. He thinks that matters. Sorting the garbage and recycling... little does he know what a waste of time all that is...” I think this is what we call cynicism. I have never been too sure about this word cynicism. But I'm pretty sure that's what that is. I'm noticing inside of me now a very strong resistance to getting close to people because I feel like it’s a worthless venture. One minute someone seems like your friend and then the next you don't speak with them for a month. I fucking hate that. I must say that if there is one thing that I need to eradicate from my thinking and feeling system as of right now, it is this. I need to let go of this and just let love in and get back to being myself.

What I'm noticing as I get older is that a lot of people aren't as obsessed with friends as I seem to be. I think a lot of people are cool with spending time alone. But I'm just not that way. I like my alone time. but I love my friends. Need to start honoring the friendships that I do have and stop looking back. for some people that seems to come easy. they don't mind friends coming and going in their lives. Me, I hate to admit it, but I let old friendships that are no more taint my ability to even recognize or appreciate new friendships because I get this why bother attitude running around in my head. But inside I know that's not right. just have to work on it. recognize when its running and let it go.

Last screening: Hotel Rwanda. A MUST SEE. Sure it has its share of Hollywood cheese with the obligatory happy ending. A happy ending in the wake of complete genocide of over a million people? well, yeah, it’s a true story, and so you can’t fault the writer/director completely because after all, it really did end happily for this particular family. Thank God. what a great story. Some people have the opinion that the French or the British or the Americans should have come in and saved all those people. after all, isn't that why we’re in Iraq? (insert chuckle and a few high fives here) But from a different viewpoint, one can see that maybe in the long run, one country can’t keep stepping into other countries and fighting their battles for them, risking their own lives for others... but over a million people murdered and we didn't do anything? Crazy. I guess it all just comes down to money. if there's something to be gained we move in. if not, then we don't move in... and maybe in the bigger picture that's just the way it is.