Dear Tuesday,

Yes well that was a good email I sent. Hard for men to write emails like that because it goes against our innate biological instincts in fact. Damn near impossible. But you just have to split yourself in two and force yourself sometimes to do the right thing.

You see, there are three kinds of girls. First group: Some girls can separate themselves from sex. they do it, they dig it, they explore it, they have fun with it, but its not always emotional to them. Cleopatra was like that. I hated it as much as I loved it. it’s a sport or a hobby to them, much like it is to most men. To men, we can totally separate ourselves emotionally from sex. in many instances it can have nothing to do with love or family or romance or emotion, just a fun experience. [this is why you can open the village voice and see close to one thousand adverts for sensual massage parlors or escort services for men just in Manhattan alone, but almost none for women. Ever wonder why that is?] For most men, this is the way it is. for us a sexual experience is much like going to a sporting event or a pub with our friends. Just a good time. but very few women fit into this group. very few. More and more these days, but still very few.

The other group of girls is where the majority of them are: sex is very much tied into emotion and love and romance and family, all that are all sort of combined. When they make love with a guy they really feel something. they can’t help it. its just the way they are built. Sex in some way, even a small way, means giving a part of themselves and they can get really attached and emotional pretty easily. Most guys are not this way. but most girls are.

And then there is a third group: those girls that don't know which group they are in yet. so they cause a shitload of problems for themselves and the guys they are with because they just don't know where they are yet.

Now at 22 years old, you could end up in either group. at your age you should be in group 1 so you can enjoy the single years and rack up some good experience. But the truth is that you may not know yet. and if you end up in group 2 but try to tell yourself that you're in group 1, you could end up really hurt a lot of the time... so before you go flirting with sexy older guys who happen to play in rock bands and happen to collect romantic/sexual experiences with girls like most people collect books or cds, you should know exactly what you are doing and why and what you want out of your life. the last thing in the world I would want for you is to ever be hurt. I always want to see that shiny smile on your face. U dig? 

[In answer to your other question about the groups for guys, I think it’s the same for guys actually. I just think the tables are completely turned the other way. most guys are in group one but want desperately to be in group two so they can have a wife and kids etc so they have to fight their group number one urges their whole life and it causes them a lot of inner turmoil and frustration and guilt. Little do they know they could just wait longer to settle down and get married and get it out of their system a bit and then they'd be fine but instead they spend most of their married life in utter confusion and guilt and anxiety thinking there is something wrong with them rather than realizing that they're just a biological system that was created to have sex all the time with lots of women. Once you get that, you're home-free. When you do finally accept that and then deliberately decide to settle with one woman because of the enormous benefits of that, you can settle into it and be proud and deliberate in it. I'm trying to get there.]

Fishy,
In your experience, is that really true?
or are you wanting that to be true?

 Dear Tuesday,

Wow. you are fucking smart. Sharp. Wise. You're going to have to be careful because how are you ever going to find a guy as smart as you are?

In answer to your question, In my experience I found that the benefits did outweigh the desire for tasting of other fruits... easy all the time? no. but worth it. I did fall in love a few times when I was with Cleo. I still found myself with these mild obsessions that would haunt me... but that one on one 'we're building an empire together' thing is so strong in your mind and heart that it is easy. especially if you choose the right partner -- someone you are just entirely obsessed with. Someone who thrills you, who has their own life and you are in awe of.

Dear fishy  

well, I've thought about that question a lot
like I said...most guys do not know what to do with me but there are ways in which I am not smart and I think that is what I'm looking for someone who challenges and supports those areas. I think that is why I'm naturally really attracted to older men
because they seem to have the things that I can't stand dealt with
and have a lot of wisdom in areas where I don't they fascinate me way more then men my age (I don't think that I have ever dated someone my age)
honestly, I'm confused as to why I like older men
I'm trying to work that out

Now, I'm working on creating me and doing the things that I love I believe as I create a strong life he will be created to fit into that and we'll meet each other or we won't, but I'll have a fucking great life anyway

so coming from a place of partying where I am at I've got men in my life that serve different purposes and that is fantastic too! I think it is best to not rely on one person for everything it is too much pressure so I'm trying to cultivate a strong support around me
so that I can create an amazing relationship with my future guy

not to say I don't get frustrated and my panties in a twist because I haven't found someone I've been really connected to in the last 2 years I definitely have my moments of pure pissed off and woe is me (I know, that is really sexy isn't it?)

nice to express thanks for listening it's been really nice to share these things with you
I'm learning a lot about myself (and you) in the process

Dear Tuesday,

I'll tell you Lil Sis, it sounds like you really know what you're doing and have it together. I have learned from what you are doing. I take what I can get out of reading you. I am doing a similar thing. lately asking myself, what do I need to be to attract/and then keep her? its easy to have all these demands and specifications for the person we want to be with, but what about what they want? Are we anywhere near what the person we want would want?

I mean, is my tiny apartment enough? Will she understand what the hell I am doing living like this and why? things like that. but honestly I really believe that it is all up to beliefs. when you believe it you will see it. so in the meantime I do the same, enjoy the life and make the most of it as who I am now the way that my life is now. that is the best we can do. everyday we see glimpses of what we are looking for in the faces of others on the streets and the subways and in the bars and restaurants. These are the little signs guiding us and helping us to understand our heart and its deepest desires. That way when the right person does come along, we recognize it immediately. 'ah hah! There you are!'

But hey, you're too young for all this serious talk. Go party more. tease men. Flirt more. Drive men crazy. drive yourself crazy. you should sleep with at least 30 more men before you marry. That way you never look back and wonder... now what about a Nigerian folk singer? I never had a Nigerian folk singer...