I get a call from Madelynne. She says, “God Fishy why do you talk about everything on there. I read your last week’s diaries over the weekend and I kind of felt sorry for you. You are obsessing on this whole relationship thing too much. You need to let it go.” I'm thinking ‘well at least I'm not the only one feeling sorry for me.’ Imagine being me. Infinito drunkenly mumbles something about me trying too hard in search of the perfect woman at a party one night. “Dude you're my brother. How many times have you been to my fucking house man huh? You gotta just relax and stop looking for the perfect girl. You're my brother man.” I freak out on the way home. What am I doing? Get rid of the diaries. this is crazy. I gotta go back to the novel idea. 

I email G2 and tell him we’re taking the diaries down. They are too personal. And maybe that's not a bad thing except for the fact that maybe I'm too crazy and I'm the only who doesn’t know it. I don't know. its too much man. but lately... “They have to come down. We’ll throw them back up later in the form of an ebook.” “No” he suggests. “They are the most popular destination on your site now. Thousands of people read them. I read what you write about, your struggle with relationships and sometimes its like I am reading my own thoughts. You are a sick bastard but it is doing something good in a weird way for people. You should not take them down. I will not allow it.” 

Its been a year since the transcendence diaries experiment. May 5^th or something of 2002. It was just an idea. A way to kill time and let out creative juice while we worked on a new album. I was writing the diaries everyday since I was sixteen anyway. So what did it matter if I posted them on line. I have something like three thousand pages of typed diaries. Its insane. It could be fun to post some. Little did I know. Vancouver says Fishy’s diaries are “painfully too honest.” Yea I know that. I'm the one who has to walk around as Fishy. I know. But I receive a lot of very nice emails from people about the diaries. About my willingness to openly talk about such personal stuff that is so lodged in our hearts and minds, that maybe only a crazy person would vent it out in public, but somehow it seems to help people when they read other people going through similar things. It makes things seem “alright.” Cause we really are all of us dealing with a lot of serious and personal things in our lives. I remember Oprah talking about her weight problems, and I remember reading Elton John talk about his good bye letter he had to write to cocaine when he decided to quit and how hard that was he was just sobbing, and that interview is what really helped me get off drugs myself. Just knowing that someone else could relate to what I was feeling. And I love that. And every now and then I awaken to find emails with subject lines such as ‘Fishy you are a fucking idiot’ about my political views. I'm cool with all of it. I know its part of it. Not every one is a tree hugging, bleeding heart liberal as I have been called by several nameless faceless readers. People are going to disagree with you. Fine. 

So for now I'm taking the diaries online day by day. If we pull the plug we pull the plug. But if we do stay on, I'm going to write more honestly and openly---and not keep two diaries which is what I have been doing the last year. And for God sakes if it makes you freak out—like this other singer who saw me in a club the other night who said he “now knows way too much”  then just stop reading. Hit the X in the upper right hand corner and jet. Its cool. No one will know.