I am done here. Cannot wait to go home. Or just get out of Rome. I really don't know where home is now. I've been done with Miami for a while now too. Home has been wherever Cleopatra is for so long. Now home needs to change. Maybe home is where ever I am? A few more days left of school. I haven't even been going to school on time. So my question to myself is ‘have I done it?’ have I found anything? Did I find what I was looking for? Have I found a bit more of myself? Do I feel more whole? Do I feel a bit more like me? 

The new CD arrived today. I had them FedEx it to me here in Rome. Such an exciting feeling opening that baby up and listening to it for the first time. Wwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I was listening to the song keep moving on and thinking about when I wrote it. last year or the year before. Cleo and I had just broken up. I was single for the first time in my life really. Since high school  had always had a grlfre. I was dating girls. I lived in this big house by myself. It was crazy. I felt great. But I also felt lonely and a little confused. I cried at night a lot because I missed Cleo so much. I wondered really how I would ever live without her. I still do sometimes. God who am I kidding. Most of the time. she was the only person who was ever able to take care of me. no not really. Maddie did too. but I'm great at taking care of other people. as long as someone else is taking care of me. man that's weird. ???

But I was listening to this song today and I felt so good about where I am now. I realize now that I can make it through anything. I can do anything. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I am going through, I will make it. those were hard times. But they are over. I kept moving on. G2 told me that he cried when he heard the song for the first time. me too. 

Wow. I just got off the phone with delta airlines. What a pleasure to speak with an American. so nice! She was using phrases like “whatever your personal preference” and “however you will feel more comfortable.” I haven't heard these phrases in months over here. we are such a service oriented country in america. The way we treat each other is so nice. you do not find this same thing in Europe. there is still this sense of struggle in the Old World. You struggle, I struggle, we all struggle. Like “you can’t have everything you want all the time.” and in the states we are so used to having everything we want all the time. and I think to a certain degree we enjoy helping each other accomplish this. We are a very “let me help you” people. good for us. here in Italy especially they are filled with “no.” the people in general. It is so often “no” when you ask for something or “I don't know.” In America it is so often “I'm not sure but let me see if I can make it happen.” We are so “yes yes yes.” I love that about us. 

I cannot tell you how many times I have been told by an Italian “we are a poor people” about why they don't have AC or why they don't travel more or why they don't drive nicer cars or why this or that. and these are college educated smart people. Teachers and administrators etc. I say to them, “Well there's no such thing as a poor people here in a country like this. Why don't you just go get a better job? Or go get a second job?” and the answer is always some “no” answer. Talking about it tonight with one of the teachers here, who is very hot by the way, she says this is a major difference between America and Europe. in America if you want something you find a way to buy it. in Europe the people adjust their desires or their spending according to their income. IN America if they want a better car, or nice gadgets or clothes, they go get a better job or a second job or start a business. She says it is this desire for consumerism that is so healthy for our economy and builds it up. Everyone spends a lot and so companies can produce more and invent more etc etc. it leads to more and more innovation and invention. [She mentioned our country is now in the middle of a major economic downturn and of course she blamed it on Bush. Everyone in Europe blames everything wrong in the world on Bush. They just simply hate him. I don't think we have ever had a more hated president in Europe. but of course its not just European students at the school. Brasilian, Chilean, Argentinean, Korean. Everyone just loves Bush bashing, but what is cool is that they don't blame us. They love America and they like Americans. And all of them know people and have family that lives in America. Its just Bush and his staff. Its weird because they know as much about us as we do, maybe even more. We just no matter what have to get rid of Bush to show that we are as cool and smart as everyone thinks we are.]  

Though I must add that the lady on the phone reminded me that perhaps I am forgetting how well I am eating over here and how bad it will be when I get back to the states trying to find good meals. She is right. here everything is fresh. And you get a lot of different kind of foods at restaurants. Where as in the states you either get fast food or you get some restaurant where you may just get some meat and a potato, which is very common there. you can get a good Italian meal in the states, don't get me wrong, but by the time you’re done paying for a salad, an appetizer, pasta, some meat, vegetables, coffee, and desert, your meals is 03, 40, 50 dollars. Here you can get all that for 15 to 20. It’s a normal meal. Also very different here where you can order anything you want to and its all so fresh and delicious. In the states you kind of get the feeling everything is frozen or canned in the restaurants. Here an espresso or cappuccino is .80 cents. Find that in the US. today for lunch I had an amazing salad that had everything from fresh baby greens, tomato, pickles, eggs, carrots, mozzarella, and then some roast, and some potatoes and a drink. And I think I paid $8. Good meals are a top priority. 

In class one day everyone ganged up on America because of McDonalds. They were all comparing how many McDonalds there were in each city or country around the world. And the one with the fewest was the winner. Everyone hates McDonalds and resents that America has brought this to their country. They were saying that Americans are all fat (it is true that not only are we the fattest country in the entire world, we are the fattest country in the history of humanity. Go figure, cause I always think of us as really healthy and fit bad-asses. Maybe its just because I only go to the big cities.) Anyway, I felt bad that everyone thought this about us and they felt so bad about us bringing McDonalds into their town. Italy won the debate because they really don't have a lot of McDonalds here. The Italians simply refuse to eat at McDonalds. They hate that kind of food. They like really good fresh healthy food. It is so important. Russia, or the Ukraine, was the worst because they have 25 McDonalds in Kiev alone. And the chick form the Ukraine was SOOOO mad at America for trying to “make their people fat” by introducing McDonalds since Perestroika. As if its some wicked plot of ours. Whatever. I tried to explain that it isn't us. its obviously their people just really dig McDonalds or we wouldn’t be opening them up there. such a funny conversation. But I kind of felt sorry for McDonalds, because I like the concept of it. it makes me as an American feel good when I see the big yellow arches. Who doesn’t remember some time going there with their family or friends and having a hamburger or ice cream and having fun? Its like ‘aaahhh home.’ Maybe you can’t eat there once you grow up cause its so unhealthy, but its just a nice feeling. So rather than get all down on McDonalds I just think we should help them slowly evolve into a healthier restaurant. That way we can keep them around for a while. but man the Europeans are total McDonalds haters. And boy do they think we are fat. 

And also they think we are always killing each other with guns. This is another big thing they talk about all the time. how we have all these guns and we are always killing each other with them. when they talk about it I listen and don't say anything , because I don't know how I feel about this issue yet. are we really that bad with our guns? And if they take our guns away how do we protect ourselves when someone enters our home with a gun? Then we’re fucked. Fuck that. No one is taking my gun away. I'm not going to be some sitting duck waiting to get robbed or murdered in my own home cause all the criminals know that none of the people have guns anymore but that they still do. fuck that. so yea I guess I do know how I feel about this issue. Frankly I don't know why the other countries are so peaceful and America is so violent. I can’t figure it out. We have everything we want. We have no reason to kill each other so much. why is this so? I don't know. but I don't think taking our self defense away is the right idea. Can you imagine someone coming into your home and you not being able to do anything about it? with a gun and good training courses you have a much better chance of saving your own life and the lives of your family.