Where do we turn when it feels as though there is no place to turn to?

I sometimes feel as if I were not working out everyday that I would go crazy; and honestly I'm not sure that I am not already crazy. Sometimes I think I'm the last one to know. 

Had a small gathering with friends for my birthday. Some new, some old. A brunch. We were just as amazed by the people who attended as we were by the absence of those who did not. It was an entirely unbelievable affair. Brown Bear as always was there and that made it very special. The older we get the less and less we see of each other. Omine. Bas, Ferret, the Tortoise. Vancouver of course, and he is always fun no matter where you are. The piano man didn't attend and we have been playing in a band together for five years running. Writing about it actually saddens me. There was a time when the piano man first moved here. He was so shocked by how people were. He used to get drunk and cry to me, “I've been here for two years and I don't feel like I've made one real friend,’ he would say. And I would agree with him. “Its just like that here for some reason piano man. I don't know why. But you’ve made friends with me and the guys bro.” I would say. But the truth is that I think the area has gotten to him. like it seems to with everyone. Ferret and The Tortoise were there of course. Deliberating on how many plates they needed to fill up with food from the buffet table before they got their money’s worth. 

I am getting a sneaking feeling that I have woken up to a dream that I do not belong in anymore. As if I have woken up only part of the way, and know that I am still dreaming somehow and long to wake up fully. 

I

have been here in Miami for about two and half years now. and there is something here that one cannot explain about the people. Bas calls it laziness. And a lot more than that of course. Depending on the day. Others call it a relaxed attitude. More than that of course. Been here for two and half years and we have been ripped off more in those last two years than all my years combined anywhere else. Just out and out thievery and lies and all sorts of things you only read about or see in movies. I remember back in the day when it seemed that all we thought about was the stock market. And I used to listen to one of those financial advisors shows everyday during lunch on the radio and I was always amazed at what they used to advise their clients on the air. No matter what the company or what the industry whenever they would be asked about a company that had its home base in South Florida—any of the three counties—they would say we don't believe in investing in South Florida companies. Your chances are very good that you will be ripped off. Even though they themselves were located in South Florida. It didn't matter they would say. Don't do it. I just thought this was so ironic and sad. 

I understand this attitude now. I hate to say it because I live here. talking about it on the way home with Bas. I am flying to Orlando tomorrow for a birthday dinner with another group of friends. And I said, listen I really feel like I need to hop on a flight and fly up there and be with these friends from all over the world who are flying in because I don't feel like I am getting IT here. I'm just not feeling it. My other friends, my non-Miami friends, feel like real friends. I mean, these are real solid friendships that I know I will take with me to the grave. Here in Soflo it all feels so fly by night. people just kind of come and go from your life. From everything. from their jobs, from their friends, from their marriages. From obligations and promises they make. There is not a sense of ritual or sacredness here that you get almost everywhere else. and when you try to introduce that into the crowd it is appreciated but with a very suspicious and strange and hesitant sense of “you're not from here are you? Are you like from New York or something?” 

It is the only place that I know of where for a week I called all of ferret’s friends to gather for his birthday this year and many of them never even called back. Or called him to wish him happy birthday. Just no response. They just try to act like it never happened. And I'm talking this happens all the time for everything to everyone. It is the stereotype of life here. And one of its greatest stigmas. Its ironic because it is such a gorgeous place to live. Its really weird and very disheartening. In all matters. And then you bump into the people somewhere on the street or something and well we all know the stories. It is a sincere lack of propriety here. With no manners. And I think it is just because it is such a new community made up mostly of immigrants from other countries that it just hasn’t developed yet, unlike say other communities across America where people have been there for hundreds of years, such as Vermont or New York. 

I wonder if you can create magic here. When the football team goes to the playoffs and the stadium doesn’t even get half filled, unlike other cities where you pay thousands of dollars for the tickets. This is just a symbol of what it is like here right now. the fact is that immigrants from South America and the Caribbean don't care about American football or baseball. And you can really feel that here. Right now our baseball team is playing the New York fucking Yankees in the World Series and you really don't hear a peep about it anywhere. The city just doesn’t seem to notice or understand what that means. It’s a very wonderful place. Very beautiful. And it is true that there are many beautiful women here (note Christina from yesterday—half Italian and half Greek; very soft skin; but that is another story entirely), but the truth is that I don't think that it is a good place to live for certain people. 

Cleopatra has moved away now and says, even though she still owns a home here, ‘God I hope I never have to come there again. For anything.’ And I understand her sentiment. And in honor and respect for the friends that I have made here, they are all very wonderful people, but man I really feel today as if my heart is broken. That in general your heart gets slowly broken living here. G2 who now lives in Chile tells me everyday over instant message, “Fishy, leave now. You don't know how bad it is until you leave.” The Italian Stallion is now in New York. She tells me the same thing. I had heard this from many people before I moved here. I understand it now. We can take refuge in our music and in the movies and the opera and concerts and theatre and the few friends we do have here, but I feel as though I need to get up north very quickly no matter what. Which is sad. Because I will miss my friends here. I am very much a person of routine and tradition. So if I do move I will feel like a fish out of water for a while. not knowing anyone. I think that's the only thing that keeps me here...

Last screening: Ali. Will Smith baby. What a show.