On plane bound for AZ to be with the fam. Tired. I am desperately looking forward to being pampered by mom, hanging with my bro, and playing with the five nieces. And dying to spend time in the snow. This year it'll be big Bear Mountain in California, which supposedly has five separate free-style trails, caters mostly to snow-boarders.

Last night I had this dream that I was able to fly up very high into the air with the aid of these large balloons that I would hold onto underneath each arm. I was running from people---who?---and then jump up. I would jump and up I'd go for miles into the air, this time It looked like perhaps I was in a mall type of a building. I would rise above everything. landing would be very scary, the coming down part, because I would fall down to the ground so quickly. I noticed that my heart beat very quickly as I would come back down, wondering what kind of an impact the landing would have on my legs and body just because I would soar so high. But each time the landing was o.k. and I managed to land on my feet and it didn't hurt so bad each time.

This is the third time this year from what I can remember that I have had this dream, the second one I can remember most vividly, and the first I only remember as i was sure in the second one that it was not the first. That I had already been there a few times before. in that second one as well as the first, there were no balloons involved that I needed to hang onto. I would just jump up and I would shoot up into the sky for miles and then come back down. I was subtly aware that it was all up to me the whole time. that I was the one who was controlling how high I went up into the air, how quickly, and how fast I shot back down. But for some reason I could not quite get control of it. I couldn’t get complete control of how high I would go. it made me feel kind of out of control, and a little frightened. I knew the higher I would go and the farther that I would go the better, but then I worried about how I would get back down. But everytime the landing was alright. I was fine. Interesting. [let yourself go man. Let go bro. Let go and fly bro. Just let it happen.]   

I have noticed that as soon as I decided and declared my desire to make France/French my next country/language to conquer I notice it showing up everywhere in my world the last few weeks. Meeting all these people who are going there to live also.... interesting how that works. 

Also have been thinking a lot about going to Africa. So much to do there. I assume one never finishes exploring Africa. Just an ongoing adventure lifetime after lifetime. I also have been thinking that it prob doesn’t get more genuine than that. that if you are looking for meaning, that would be it. Africa. Kind of the beginning and the end of it here on earth. Weren't we all born in Africa? Or have they since decided it was Asia now? I have forgotten. Will look it up. I did bring an entire suitcase full of books with me on this trip—most of them history. one for clothes, and the other for books and cds. [I complained to Bas the other day that jazz was saying that Vancouver and Bloopy are always talking about how weird I am. Dude I am so normal. I don't get why people always say I'm weird. He just looked at me with this stunned look on his face. You're bringing a fifty pound suitcase full of books with you on vacation!!! For God sakes Fishy! it doesn’t get much more weirder than you man. But that's why your friends like you. your weirdness, the insane way that you live and how you have set up your life is what enables you to be person you are and that's why people like you so much is because of how you are.” he said. ‘Well that's good.” “But don't go thinking that you're not weird Fishy. I don't know why you sit there and try to act like you're not weird. Both you and Cleo are insane. Look at that guitar your playing right there.’ “this is my new baby.’ I said as I stroked the new ’72 Alvarez artist. ‘you have a new guitar and we can’t even afford to buy groceries man!!! What's wrong with that picture?!’ ‘well dude I haven't really been eating lately anyway, just drinking espressos and orange juice mainly.” He stood up and started walking to the kitchen. He put his hand up to stop me, “You see? You see? I rest my fucking case man. You have been on this liquid diet of coffee and orange juice for six months. Just more evidence man. Please stop while you're ahead. Before someone locks you up.” he left the room. I stared down at the ground and then looked at my new baby guitar, snuggled it. ‘Well at least I write good songs.’ I said to myself. (When do we turn weird? Are we always that way? just born that way? Are some of us weirder than others? And who the hell are Bloopy and Vancouver to call me weird? They are like the weirdest guys in the world.)

Last few nights thinking about being in Africa and hunting. Being with the animals. Sleeping in the savanna with the animals. Shooting them and bringing them down and then cooking them over a fire and eating them. this is a must. I will do this within the next five years. when I am a bit older and more of a man. [you see what I mean about getting married? God I think of Beaver and his life now. or trophy wife’s. everytime you call there, its just pure madness with all these kids screaming in the background and they can’t even have a conversation with anyone for more than a minute. Their lives are not necessarily compromised one would say, but its just that they are trading in one kind of life for another. No African safaris for them.

[the more love I am able to get from myself and from the world and from being alive, mind you this is a new thing for me, the less I notice that I long to meet HER right now, and the less I desire to settle down and have kids. You know how a lot of people just seem really desperate for that? like they are in a race to get married or find the right one and then have a family? And what has always struck me as strange is they do this before they even travel or explore or accomplish a lot of other things in life. The more interpersonal work I do, the happier I get, the more blissful rather, and the more just totally satisfied I get within myself. Finding this lust for life continues to boil. A mad curiosity to explore and to live large. I would hope and I will create that I will be able to do that still within a marriage or relationship, but since I'm not in one now its all the better. I would still like to be making it with more girls, more often and more varieties, but still for some reason find it hard to force an interest in any one long enough to get to that point. I am just too much of a snob for the most part. So one you just need to have enough money so you can buy a different girl every night. or two, one thing I did realize is that I just need to be in better circles so the choices are better. I believe that then I would have more interest.    

Played an average show at wallflower gallery. Good turn out from fans. Less nervous and shy. Joked more on stage. Felt comfortable. Cooper is not grooving on the drums as much as he is with his enthusiasm and energy which is great. But just not feeling the drums from him are tight or solid. Miss playing with Infinito. 

Hung out with Jazz last night. I do find her very cute and smart. But man she is kind of crazy. she likes me. and I like her too. but I can tell it wouldn’t last a long time so i always just think why risk the potential pain. Do you pursue the attraction anyway? just because you are attracted and just enjoy the moments? Is the idea to just bang every girl who likes us because its there as Bas and Ferret remind me. Or do you hold back and try to be a gentleman and not do anything if you can tell that it prob won't go anywhere in the long run with the person? that's the million dollar question isn't it?