Evidently I sent this crazy email to Craig yesterday that had him a bit worried, so he calls me this morning, dog what's wrong with you? you alright. Yeah why? well you know that email, I was worried. You're working too much. Take some deep breaths man... anyway, so he recommends that I make a list of the top ten things that I am grateful for right now. wow how very Anthony Robbins. O.k. I assure him I will. o.k. gotta go. I'm headed down into the subway. Bro thanks. Later.

And I do make that list. About ten hours later. I sat down tonight and tried to make it. and I almost got to ten. I made it to nine actually. But I didn't get a lot out of it honestly. A little. Not a lot. Just too worried.

So I'm sitting trying to make it through this film I am studying called full frontal. As a viewer I'm just hating it. as an audience member. But from an industry perspective I am learning from it. gaining from it. its not a people movie. Its an industry movie. It’s a filmmakers movie. He admits it in the interview that comes as bonus material. He made the movie because he felt like he had to because he had just made oceans 11. so as big and mainstream and Hollywood as that was he felt like he had to balance it out with this film. o.k. fine. Anyway, I'm suffering through it. but still learning a bit here and there. gathering ideas.

And I'm laying there and I'm thinking that I feel as though I am just waiting to die. should I smoke? Drink more tea? More cognac? Take another valium? Should I eat? pick up the guitar? Grab the laptop and write? What should I do? man this is boring. Its like I'm just waiting for something to happen and I don't know what it is. I mean, I'm just sitting there feeling not even depressed, unless that is what depression feels like and I just don't know it, more like apathy. Like a supreme apathy towards life itself. Towards my life. which is so unlike me, but has been so like me the last nine to twelve months or so. I mean, I read the diaries too. I fucking live them. I know that I'm not myself lately. At least not the myself that I used to be or prefer to be.

So I decide to think about the ten things that I grateful for. and I'm standing there peeing and thinking about my life and how easy it is. how absolutely fucking perfect it is in so many ways but how all I do is worry about it and complain about it. and how totally effing lucky I have it compared to so many people that I know and who know me. and here I am always just in a constant state of worry and panic and almost numbness to it. totally without the vigor that I used to walk around with in my life.

So as I'm finishing peeing I ask myself so Fishy what the fuck are you upset about? and this was such a novel idea. I thought ‘wow, yeah, what am I so upset about or worried about that I can’t even be grateful for the things that I have written down that I know I should be grateful about.

And there it was. I needed to make a list of the things that I was worried about. I needed to make a list of what I am happy about. the top ten things I am unhappy about. and so that's where I am now. making this list. And the thing about it is this. as we have discovered a hundred fucking times before, its all about free attention. if we don't have free attention, if our attention is so caught up on all the things that we are worried about and unhappy about then we don't even have enough free attention to acknowledge and appreciate all the good things in our life that we should be grateful for. I'm three days away from sitting down and interviewing one of the most infamous and respected religious reformers in the western world. and this is something I have been trying to nail down for over a year and I finally got the chance to sit with this man and talk with him and do it on film, and here I am feeling like life is boring and meaningless and nothing is going on in my life. Unfuckingbeleivable.

So I'm headed back to my list of things I am unhappy and worried about. and I have to release this shit. through acknowledgement and then through taking action I will release these things. that should free up more attention. we’ll see. Already feel better just from releasing the feelings on paper.