Gifts

One year, Princess Little Tree had made me a photo album for Valentines Day. it was filled with photos of her since she was a child all the way up to present day. I must say that I have received so many amazing valentines day presents in my life that I could never possibly qualify or compare them. I have been so lucky in this, in love, I have been truly blessed in this life. But this gift. Wow what a gift. I won't say that it is the most special vd gift I have ever received but in this moment it feels like it is. and that's the way life is. each current moment seeming the most important, the most special. That is part of present-moment-human-consciousness. [unless one is stuck in remembering... in which case the past always seems the most special or the most important. Or unless someone is a dreamer and just always thinks the future is going to be more important or more special....] But for me, my brain just always feels like NOW is IT. It is how we process things in the human mind. For better or worse. Would love one day to have more of a holistic view of things... and I bet that as the years collect, this is what we acquire. And I bet that this is what we call wisdom...

So I sit and I look at all the wonderful pictures in the album and I get to know the Princess more deeply and intimately. Many make me smile or laugh or cry... and that's the way love is. and that's a beautiful thing. But there is a moment in the album when it gets to her when she is pregnant for the first time... and I cannot describe the reaction it creates in me. for weeks I have struggled with these pages. I look at them and smile and enjoy the learning... but I notice my body tense up and react with unbearable anger and resistance.
It was not until this morning that I decided to go into it and explore the feelings in order to ascertain what was really happening in my consciousness so that I might discreate it and feel more at ease. We cannot create what we prefer in the present moment if we are in react to the past. I know this. not easy to master, but getting easier. Such strong anger and resentment and regret... all I knew was that I would look at these pictures of her being pregnant and me being so much younger and not able at that time obviously to be there in that capacity with her or anyone, I would just feel this very strong sense of regret and resentment and resignation. I cannot believe that I dare write these feelings... but I could not help but just feel that life is truly unfair in that. I see pictures of her when she is my age and I feel this kind of hatred toward God because I could not know her then, because there was no way I could be with her or marry her and it fills me with rage... those types of feelings. Not good feelings... 

When we are in love with someone, it is normal for us to want to possess that person completely, to know their whole lives before we came around.

I thought about (and I know this sounds weird perhaps) but I thought about ashton and demi. Because of the age parallel in our situations being the same... so it was something I could reach out to I guess in an attempt to understand it more. I mean, the guy’s gotta be loving it on the one hand, Demi Moore being one of the hottest sharpest richest most fantasized-about women of the last twenty years, and you're twenty five years old and your with her... so fucking a, that's great man, as Dasher would say; and yet, she's got these three kids with Bruce, and fucking Bruce, the guy’s great; he's been in all these great movies for the last twenty years and you're just ashton from some TV show or whatever... [hey don't accuse me of being an ashton basher – if he has any male fans above the age of 25 I'm that fan. I think the guy is fucking hilarious. My friends think I have deep seated problems for not only enjoying ashton movies but recommending them to my friends...] anyway, so Bruce is Bruce and just epitomizes a certain sense of cool... and you gotta love that.... I mean, at least from the outside looking in. who knows what its like from the inside.

But so much shit comes up in that kind of situation... after the dust settles... the mind starts working double time trying to work it out and make it all make sense. Pretty soon deeper issues start to make themselves apparent. and all you can do is realize that the best thing you can do is create that the situation works out for the best for both of you and that you both really enjoy it for however long it lasts. So no it isn't easy. And in a lot of cases life does seem to suck and be unfair in regards to love some times...

But everything that I am speaking of here means nothing compared to having your family members die in a tsunami or killed in a war... so who the fuck am I being to even worry about this stuff really...

Later...
In the cigar shop. God if I ever gave up smoking, where the hell does a man go for good old fashioned intelligent guy talk in a cozy private atmosphere? Maybe the health club sauna or steam room, but that's pretty rare. Usually its just a lot of soreness grunts and groans in there... but nothing like the cigar shop for a good hour of relaxed idle talk with like-minded men. We sneak in there this morning, which is a rarity these days because the work load is so heavy with the new CD coming out. they have fox news on the TV for some reason. And I go to turn it off. But I turn around and ask an older gentlemen relaxing on one of the couches if he minds. ‘what are ya fucking kidding me. I hate that garbage. This place is an oasis. My wife watches TV eight hours a day... how she does it I have no idea... why would I want to watch TV in here...’ ‘I couldn’t agree with you more sir,’ I respond. ‘this morning they're showing this grandmother whose grand daughter got killed and they're shoving the microphone in her face asking her how she feels... how the fuck do you think she feels you insensitive bitch? How the fuck does she answer that? what the hell are these morons thinking? asking her a question like that. and they fucking call that news... who watches this shit?’ ‘Yeah. I know. how is that news? if its not one tragedy its another. That's their idea of news... tragedies... and its not like good things aren't happening... but that's all they seem to think is newsworthy...’ ‘Hey that's all that sells I guess...’ he tells me as he puffs on his cigar and opens his paper. Idiots and fools I think. every now and then an intelligent person will pop his head up somewhere and thank God for it, but mostly the earth is just teeming with common fools. And that is why wars are still able to be fought by men dressed in suits sitting protected in private rooms while young men and women and innocent people die for no reason...