It is 7am. I have gotten up now. it is no use. I have not slept yet and I don't think there is any use in trying. I have literally tossed and turned, my mind going a million miles an hour, all night long. Rehearsal last night we learned that Vancouver will take a job as a side guitarist for a Latin singer who is doing well now on the Latin charts. One cannot avoid the grand irony of it. I have quit my job to dedicate one hundred percent of my time to the band, sold off all possessions and property I owned in order to afford to produce and record and promote us, and now as the whole machine starts to roll in full force, we face the possibility of losing a member. And not just any member, but half the reason we turned into a band in the first place and not just a solo like we were before. the combination of all of us together made for something so cohesive and powerful that I had decided to turn it into more of a group experience and less of a “just me” thing, even giving the other band members songwriting credit so they could share in the publishing and other royalties as opposed to just being paid as musicians for hire. Again the irony is inescapable. the idea that Vancouver who is so young and still lives at home and so does not need money, for he has plenty of it, will take the risk of giving up being a somebody, in order to become a well paid nobody backing up a nobody who thinks he is a somebody is beyond me. 

He is as I have said many times before a true genius. Our coming together I have always felt was something of fate. Something bigger than both of us. At the same time it is easy to understand why he would so easily be swayed to go on the road with this Latin pop singer. He will be paid well, play in front of huge audiences all over South America, and even have a chance to perform on cheesy South American television shows. I have seen many musicians do this over the years. if they are good, people will want to use them. and who could resist the opportunity if your own band is still not making any money and playing for tiny little crowds in shitty little bars. So as dawn approaches we appear to have no wingman. 

Just as it appears that his choice is obvious, the other guys and I still cannot help but feel a bit bewildered and betrayed by it. There are thousands of bands all over the world, tens of thousands. All of them in the same position. Most of them with no talent. And those with talent don't usually have the experience resources or money to do anything with their talent. Our band is and has been in a very fortunate position compared to most. We have the experience, resources and financing to be able to achieve everything we ever wanted to. We have the camaraderie and the bond and the talent as a group. So the idea of one member risking everyone else’s entire careers for his own, giving us no warning and not even discussing it with us first makes it easy for us to feel shocked. And betrayed. We grow up studying rock group culture. So we just assume that when we are in a rock group that it is one for all and all for one. And when I was in Shattered it was that way. we lived and died for each other. We were all very loyal. But I have learned in the last few years that times are different. People are different. Its not like that anymore. 

Today guys want the rock and roll dream but they don't want to be the rock and roll dream. They’ll take anything that even closely resembles it no matter how far away it is from what they know in their heart is the real thing. I have seen guys take cover gigs playing other people’s music in cheesy bars every night just to make money and I swear to God they complain about it every time you see them for years afterwards. It is like they are ashamed to do what they do, but they do it anyway. You see others give up their dreams of being rock Gods or artists or pioneers in their field so they can make money being a back up musician for someone’s music they don't even like or listen to. Last night Vancouver readily admitted he knew of this singer but would never actually listen to his music. One of our other old guitarists we just learned actually is in Las Vegas now playing shows in some casino backing up a cheesy pop singer who I won't mention. and yes he is making money. But even mentioning his name here wouldn’t do any good because no knows the names of cheesy pop singers’ back up guitarists. So he is kind of lost now, has money, but now what? By the time he wakes up if he ever does, he will be too old to ever fulfill his dream of playing real rock and roll.

And so it makes me question what rock and roll is. Is it just about the fame? So if you don't make it then you didn't live the rock and roll dream? No, I don't think so. Or like all these other guys around me as they drop off one by one think, is it about the money? Is it about making your living from it? That’s the goal, like with any career. But I don't think that at the heart of it, that its about that either. I would choose being a somebody playing in front of a hundred people who know my work and who love me anyday over being a nobody playing in front of ten thousand people who only know me as the ‘singer’s guitarist.’ Even if I was making tons of money. For me that's just not an option. That is not why I spent the last fifteen years of my life honing this craft. When I was in high school and all the other guys were playing sports after school every day and earning letters and being all cool and all that, I was in my bedroom doing music or in warehouses practicing with my band. Every fucking day for four years. And sometimes I wish I was playing the sports instead. Cause I dig sports. But I just felt so pulled by music that I couldn’t help it. and then the same thing in college. Night and day for years and years. sitting alone just me and the instruments. Exploring and creating. I couldn’t help it. 

And it was never about the money. It was always about how good you could get at what you were doing. It was always about the rock and roll of it. How true, how pure, how brilliant, how fresh, and how different, and how innovative you could be. that’s what kept you up at night with your mind racing. Not the money or the fame. But the next song or the next amazing sound you were going to create. That is the passion. [remember seeing christina Aguilera on TV showing the cameraman, “I used to sit right there and dream of being famous as a kid for years...” I thought to myself, so different. I never sat and dreamed of being famous. I dreamed of breaking boundaries and being a genius at music one day... just totally different goals...] 

And when you have a whole band of people who all feel that same way, its infectious. It is something fantastic. So yea I'm kind of stunned. You want to jump up and down and say “lets do it. Lets make magic!” but then you realize that maybe that isn't everyone’s goal per se. some of them find the magic more in the money of it and less in the creative aspect. So its like you have to sit down for a moment and catch your breath and scratch your head. You look at the other guys in the band like “Is this really happening?” and someone has to call the producer and the promoters and the agents etc and tell them what's going on and everyone is bummed and kind of asks the same question of themselves. Where did the rock and roll dream go? When did things get like this? 

So many of the “bands” that are popular today aren't even real bands. They’re just code names for one guy who hires a bunch of other guys to pretend they’re in the band with him. usually the singer/songwriter. We all know who these “bands” are, so I don't need to name names. And that always struck me as really sucking. Solo acts disguised as bands to get more street cred. But the truth is that a lot of times its just really fucking hard to get the same group of guys to stay together or stay loyal to one thing. And really hard to get them to work at it. I'm not saying its impossible. Cause we have been doing it for a long time together, and so have other bands. But its not easy. I remember a few summers ago jamming with the drummer from green day. and he was all freaked out because they made it like six months after he quit. And I was like dude why’d you quit the band? And he was like well I was getting pressure from my girlfriend to make more money so I went and joined a cover band. Enough said.  

There are very few who will not sell themselves or their dreams or their integrity or their vision for money. and I'm not just talking rock and roll. I'm talking just in general. Most people will sell out. But some people won't. And when we meet those people, we feel enlightened in their presence. We feel electrified. I have some years on Vancouver. He is a great guy and knows music history as well as any of us. I feel honored that he knows my own history so well. He was a fan first and then a band mate, which was cool. I wanted to tell him about the time when Shattered auditioned for Star Search, the TV show. We were a shoe-in we were told because we were so popular at the time. We got together as a group just before the audition, and we had one goal in mind: don't get chosen to go on Star Search. We all committed to be as loud and as crazy and as wild as we could possibly be so we would definitely not be chosen. [crazy right?] But to us star search represented everything we hated about what other people could and were willing to do with music. We played three songs. And we were fucking amazing. loud and crazy and when we finished the camera guys and the sound guys who were like the same age as us were like “Dudes that was fucking awesome! There’s no way you will be on this show, but you guys are fucking great!” And we all laughed our asses off. Just rolled on the floor. Sure enough the producer of the show for our region came up to us and told us that ‘as much as he enjoyed our performance that we just weren't Star Search material.’ And we were so proud that day. We all went home and drank and smoked and celebrated all night. Because we were keeping that rock and roll dream alive. We were all so happy that we didn't sell out. 

There was another time. When we showcased for Island Records. Shattered auditioned for every major label on the planet at one time or another in the six years we were together. And we had the worst reputation. The reps were scared to speak with us, because me and Toad were known as being such sharp tongued rebellious little bastards. Absolute monsters. So we get off the stage at this club on south beach, actually it was the Island Club, which no longer exists. And we just smoked it. At one point at the end of this song I am jumping up and down so hard and so fast that I jump right off the stage into a pile of amps and just wreck myself. But I was so drunk that I couldn’t feel a thing. So I got back up and finished the set. So we get off the stage and we head over to the table where the reps are. They tell us how great we are but that they would need to change a lot about our songs and all that. they went on and on about how much they would change us. and by the time we all headed out for the night, we just felt like well who the fuck are we then? If they are going to change so much about us to sign us, then fuck them. they can change their fucking selves. So try as they might we just refused to return their calls for the next three weeks. We eventually told the Big Man in Black to tell them that we weren't interested. He thought we were crazy. and of course he stopped being our manager that day. but we were happy. We saw too many of our friends get signed to big contracts and change everything about themselves. And then come back to town with their tail between their legs a year later. Fuck that. we weren't having it.

There were bands all around us who would do anything to “get signed.” Seriously just do anything. Any gimmick you could think of. The label would say fire your singer and they would fire their fucking singer. or they would say your bass player should be your guitar player and then they would do that. or you guys should start singing more pop songs and they would do that. just totally fuck with their vision. Just to try to get signed to a major label or to stay signed to a major label. We were not one of them. In fact if my memory serves me we just didn't even try because we always would tell ourselves “I don't know if were ready.” because we had very high standards for ourselves and what we were trying to do, which in our case, was make really cool innovative music and be true to ourselves and our fans. So six years went by and not only did we never try to get signed but we turned down or deliberately sabotaged every offer we got.  

Happy ending to the story? I don't know. We lived in complete poverty during those years. Its not like we went on to become huge superstars. We didn't. We lived without cars, phones, and a lot of the time even without electricity for years during that time. many months of very cold, very dark showers. Man I lived like that for a good five years. But we were proud and that pride could be seen whenever you met us. and when you asked people who their favorite band was they would say Shattered. And a few still do today. and that stays with you. We carried it with us. You could see it on our faces. Call it character. Call it integrity. Call it staying true to rock and roll and everything that represents. But you wake up every morning feeling very proud and happy to be you. You’re not living trying to repress your feelings of guilt or doubt to being a sell out. 

Toad is now a huge star in his own right, on his own terms. It took him a bit longer. But he did it his way. He didn't have to sell out and he did it on his own vision. back then the idea of sacrificing something like money or fame or material possessions for your own rock and roll dream or your vision or your integrity was a very honorable thing to do. rock and roll was something very distinct and very real and very fragile. And most of all very cool. The Wolf made sure he schooled us in it and that we understood it. 

These days in the age of rap stars and pop stars who sing mostly about sex or money or fame it is a very different music world. Even different than ten years ago when grunge busted out and saved rock and roll. These days guys get confused and think that the dream is the money or the fame. They get all greased and glossed up to make some shiny video on MTV and they wonder where all their fans went. O.k. enough said. I'm bored. 

I love Vancouver. I feel honored to be working with him and the two albums we have made together have just been the best time of my life artistically. So for that I am appreciative.