Went to Abyssinian Baptist church in Harlem again today. The more I go to Harlem the more I like it. just so struck by the study of the history of slavery and the African American people... at one point the preacher said “You don't have to be black... maybe you're white and you're with us in solidarity and you understand our cause...” So I went into this back room and became a member. Sat down and they laid it out on the table for me. strange feeling. For me its more about the community obviously and the connection I feel with the black people at this point in my life. I never felt a need to become a member of any church before I have to be honest. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not even much of a believer in Jesus let alone God.... I love the idea of both of them, you know... great ideas... but I enjoy going to their church for the power of the human spirit that is present in the church. The power of the gospel singing. And the power of the reverend Calvin Butts. And because Abyssinian is such a world-wide famous church they have lines going around the block for miles to get in there. people visiting nyc from every country in the world are waiting in that line for hours just to get in so they could see this famous church and hear the preaching of reverend Butts. I figured if I was going to start going there now and then, I may as well become a member to avoid those lines...

The problem of course is that they want you to attend these bible study classes and then get baptized in the name of Jesus in order to become a full-fledged member. Now because I honestly feel that the bible should be put away and not looked at for a few thousand years, and that real salvation comes from humankind, from our own spirit, and not from any God... well, I don't know if I really belong in those classes; nor do I believe that it would be an entirely honest gesture on my part if I got baptized a Christian at this point. After all, I was already baptized a Christian when I was a kid, and have worked very hard to liberate myself from those shackles as a young man. But for the life of me, I just wish that someone would create a church as inspiring and powerful and exciting and lively and meaningful as Abyssinian without the need to have it be about god. someplace where we could go to worship humankind and exult together about how wonderful we are and how good it is to be a good person... and even to pray... although I'm not sure how we should pray or who we should pray to... those are the minor details... but yes a church for humans who want to worship humans... that's what we need.

For me it was an important step. Just for where I am now in regards to the black people, in my love for them and my respect for them and my admiration of them. And I do love the sense of community that attending the occasional church service affords the spirit. There's nothing like it. I swear to God they were looking me up and down like I was an alien from another planet. This long haired pale faced white kid dressed in black standing there shaking their hands and thanking them for welcoming me into the flock... they must have thought I was crazy. and who knows, perhaps I am.

The NYU student – I feel close enough to her now to call her by her name, shall we call her Asyra -- is still ‘shadowing’ me for her article and went with me to the church. When I told her I was downstairs becoming a member she asked me, ‘I thought you didn't believe in religions...’ ‘I don't.’ ‘I thought you weren't into the whole God concept...’ ‘I'm not. At least not literally, not logically. Perhaps metaphorically... it is a wonderful idea... I mean, in my heart I want to believe in a God. who doesn’t? what a nice idea. what a grand idea. it’s very comforting, isn't it? That's for sure. It would be a great way to end a movie. That's for sure. God coming out and all and finally revealing himself to us... I would love if God finally came out from hiding and turned out to be this really hot babe and just totally blew everyone's minds... you know...’
‘You're funny. So then why are you becoming a member of their church?’ ‘well, I guess for one, because I love going to black churches. And two, I don't want to have to wait in those damn lines with all the tourists...’ I laugh. She could turn that one on me and I know it...  ‘and three because I feel a need to connect to the black people right now... it feels important to me... to make this connection to them... it’s not that I'm against God or anything like that.’ ‘It would be hard to tell that from your diaries...’ ‘yeah I know. I go off sometimes... but its not against God... more against what people do in the name of God... there has also been some wonderful things done in the name of gods as well... its all very confusing if you aren't from here...’

‘from where?’

‘you know, from here. from earth. If you look at us from a distance... none of it makes sense. Humankinds relationship to their various gods... and the things that we do in the name of these gods...’

‘yes I know. I don't believe in God. So that is why I am asking... why become a member of any church? That is what puzzles me about you... as a subject. As a true believer...’

‘That's the idea of the piece right? yeah I forgot... true believers... that was your assignment.?’

‘Yes. so why spend so much time and effort rallying against God and religion, with such an obvious humanist agenda... Mr. ambassador...’

‘what? and then turn around and sneak away to a church every now and then?’

‘yes.’

‘well church is nice. you know? I mean, I'm American.’

‘yesterday you said you were not American. You said that you were only human...’

‘touché. And that's true. for all of us... that's all any of us are... we agree on that...’

‘But I was raised an American... so that is where my roots are buried... in those traditions... of going to church on Sunday... those are deeps roots... and more than that... I like the idea of communing with others who are spiritual... so I'm not against God. I'm just more pro-human right now. the whole thing about being a humanist these days is that there's no place to go to celebrate and worship.’

‘Who should we worship if not God?’ ‘We should worship us. humans. ourselves. We’re enough. Its just that there's no place for us to go to get all caught up in the spirit and get a good dose of good vibage... where's a better place than a black church? So when the say Jesus I hear ‘the human spirit.’ When they say ‘God lives’ I hear ‘the human spirit lives.’ When they say ‘God saves’ I hear ‘we save ourselves through our own determination and fortitude. Maybe they don't know I'm thinking that. maybe they don't know that in a hundred years they will come to realize that that's what they're talking about... who knows... maybe they're right and I'm wrong... maybe there is a God. maybe God’s gonna come out of hiding one day... but in the meantime, I don't know... I just think it’s a good idea for us to start acknowledging our own Godness. You know when they were talking about dr. martin Luther king in there today?’ “yes?’ ‘well look at martin Luther king. Look at what he accomplished. That wasn't about God. even though he was a preacher... but his great work, his great accomplishments... that was about him. that was about who he was as a man and what he was able to do on his own accord. We don't need a God for that... We should be celebrating him as a man. Not God. but people don't see that yet. This is just my opinion... just a theory... but you know, man, when you got a person like martin Luther king or nelson Mandela or Malcolm x or even oprah winfrey... you don't have to worship a God... you can celebrate those people right there and your own good deeds and your own moral standards and your own courage and your own honesty and your own spirit of goodness.... that's enough. I don't see a logical need for God to possess any of those fine qualities.’

‘and yet you just became a member of the largest African American church in the country...a Baptist church.’

‘Yes. funny right? I know. funny. Hey go figure.’ And we walked on to have a great brunch and made a few new friends.

I'm not sure if I make any sense or not. I'll be the first to admit it. the whole world is so sold on God that only a crazy man would question it... at least publicly. But I just think that its about time we did... like I always say, if God minds what I'm saying, he’ll surely let me know. God knows my thoughts and my soul as good as any other mans. He knows what I'm up to. He knows what I'm all about. God knows my heart is pure and my intentions are honest and good. If he wants to lead me in a different direction, he surely will. I am sure of that. I pray just as much as the next guy. And I honestly feel that God is calling me to this mission. To preach the word of humanity.

‘This makes no sense you know,’ she tells me over brunch, ‘from a practical viewpoint. You are saying that God is calling you to lead people away from God?’ ‘Well if you put it this way... look, I know you know what I'm saying. And I know you well enough to guess that you probably agree with me. But you have to write an article and it has to make sense. I understand that....’ ‘George Bush is often quoted as saying that he believes that he is on a mission from God.’ ‘Yeah. I know. And so are all those crazy Muslims cutting people’s heads off in broad daylight. So maybe that isn't such a good thing to say these days. o.k. look. If I am ever so lucky as to get married and my wife has a baby, that's not going to be some pretend baby. I'm not going to have to believe first before I see that baby. I'm not going to have to have faith to hold my baby. My wife's going to have a fucking baby and I'm going to see it and get to hold it and watch it grow. Period. Whether I believe in it or not. That baby’s going to be there in my arms. That's as simple as that. if a man gets put in prison, he's not going to have to pray or have faith in order to believe he's in prison... he's going to wake up one day and realize ‘holy fucking shit! I'm in fucking prison!’ That's life. That's the world we live in. that's just the way it is. we spend too much time focusing on the things that we’re all making up in our heads and taking wild guesses on and not enough time on the shit that's right in front of our eyes; like babies being born with aids, or too many black men being put in prisons. There's no God helping those situations out... that's all up to us. The help that those situations need is going to have to come from us. not from believing in God. it always has come from us and we don't need a God to teach us that. We can feel it. And for some goddamn reason, forgive the pun, I feel this strange calling, almost as if by a God, to help us cross that barrier in our minds that tells us that it’s not o.k. to acknowledge this...

‘if on the one side you have a bunch of white people killing over a hundred thousand human beings – that would mean people like you and me -- in Iraq in less than two years in the name of God, and on the other side you have a bunch of brown people sawing people’s heads off and flying planes into crowded buildings in the name of God... then I say that the rest of us should do our best to stop these people of God as fast as we can before they do any more damage. You dig what I'm saying?’

‘Yes. I do. So then why the need to wake up early on Sunday morning and go sit in a church for two and half hours and sing about Jesus with all these other people?’ ‘Well... the music sure was good wasn't it?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And that preacher was awesome wasn't he?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And you feel good now right? Kind of got the goose bumps and all, right?’ ‘O.k. So that's it.’ ‘Yeah. That's it. It’s a good time. Wherever good people are gathered is a good time. I just wish people would start waking up to the idea that we don't need God to be good and to have good times. I think that's it really.’     

Today the pedometer read that I walked 7.58 miles, 16,046 steps. In one day. Yesterday it was 5.7 miles. That's New York city for you.

Last screening: the rules of the game. This is the classic French film from 1939 by Jean Renoir. This is great film. often on the top ten lists of many critics. I really enjoyed it. hard to understand French. for sure. But getting easier to speak it. But this film... there is a certain something there... especially at the end.