Avatar: Day 5

Day five
Better today. a little bit more relaxed but still pretty upset and resistant to getting control of the ego. Has a huge hold on me. but through another day of exercises I became more aware of everything I do from the ego, to feed the ego, boost the ego, at the expense of my intuition and at the expense of everyone around me. I am in awe of what a selfish self serving bastard I have been. Especially the last few years. for the last two years I had not attended any courses thinking that I was pretty clear. that I had reached a certain state of spiritual prosperity... but I have a profound sense now how lost I have been the last year especially... feeling completely tossed about by life rather than in control of it --- no sense of living deliberately. I understand that there is a real need to have some kind of practice to stay clean. to stay clear and deliberate. It can be anything. Mediation religion whatever. for me Avatar has worked really well the last ten years. I just forget sometimes how important it is to come here and snuggle into this space with others and work on our shit. I hope I never forget again. Today I finally feel a little relief. owning our transgressions, owning our dramas and our stories and our justifications and our indiscretions is very freeing. This course is advanced work. For wizards who have already been through the other courses and are ready to really work on what's really up for them and what they really do and who they really are. Not for the faint of heart. but I'm staying in day to day sometimes hour to hour just trying to stay on course and follow along no matter uncomfortable. My ego is scared shitless for some reason and I feel almost like a victim of that fear. Running scared. But tomorrow will be another day and I have a feeling will be easier.